Good advice from everyone, Jen. I just wanted to address your question concerning the military here...and your WH's career.

Look. Right now, he is in violation of several parts of the UCMJ. All it will take is someone finding out, or the OW and your husband having a falling out and she goes to the commander...to have your husband's career ended...and maybe even jail time. This is VERY serious business.

Another thing right here. Your husband is NOT a good soldier right now. He is NOT a good NCO. Why do I say that? I say it because in the military, we do not have the luxury to pick and choose what rules or orders we obey. When we dont follow these rules, people die. There is a reason that the UCMJ has provisions on fraternization. It causes problems that cause people to die or units to not be effective in their mission.

Same goes for adultery. The military is built on a code. Think about it...what would possess a man or woman to leave the comfort of their homes here, jump in a Humvee, head down a dirt road in Baghdad...all the while knowing that they could be blown to bits today?

Money? Well, Jen...you know the answer to that one! No way it is money.
Glory? Not really...I mean, who really wants to be a dead hero?
To see the world? Yeah, right (sarcastic)! I have seen parts of this world I NEVER want to see again. I have seen things I hope my children never have to see.

And that is my point. The military is built on a code...it is why we do what we do. That code is Duty, Honor, Country. We do it because we dont want IEDs going off in Fairfax, Virginia. We do it because we want our kids to be safe going to school in Seattle, Washington. We do it because we know that it takes very brutal men and women to stand watch at the gate...so that those behind the fence can live life.

But unlike the savages we have had to face, these "brutal" men and women do this on the basis of honor. Without honor, the American military falls apart. It isnt our better tanks or planes that makes us the best in the world. The American fighting man succeeds because in the end, we get up out of that foxhole and charge at the enemy because it is who we are. It is the honorable thing to do.

Right now, your husband is NOT an honorable man. He is bringing dishonor on his wife, his son, himself, the OW, his unit and the Army. Right now, he should not even be in the Army, let alone leading troops. That doesnt mean he cant be recovered. That he cant be an honorable man, own up to his mistakes and do the right thing. And be restored. And that is what this process will hopefully allow him to do.

As in everything, there are no guarantees. He might fight this, or lie to the IG. Which will just prove his inability to adapt to military life. It will prove that he has chosen dishonor over honor.

But you know your husband. Faced with exposure, he will most likely step up, right? All people make mistakes. The honorable man takes responsibility and repents from it. So, your husband has a good chance to come out of this okay.

But, if he hides, if he lies...then no one can help him. Not even you.

So, you did the right thing. This is the best chance he has to save his career, his honor and his marriage. He may not know that now. But he will.

In His arms.

Mortar-

You never fail to make me feel patriotic. I love your descriptions of the military.

Jen-

You did what needed to be done, don't 2nd guess yourself.

God Bless,

-Caren

MM,
How do you always know what to say?

I think the hardest part of this whole ordeal is the simple fact that my H used to be all of those things. I keep thinking I have lost him, that he died some horrible death and that there is someone else in his place.

Thank you all for giving me the courage to stand up for my M.

It is courage, Jen. What you are doing is taking remarkable courage. You could just as easily quit...throw the bum out. But you understand what many dont.

You are doing the honorable thing...the courageous thing. You dont have to wear a uniform or have Al Qaeda shooting at you to have honor.

In His arms.

JJ, you ought to be proud of yourself. You have demonstrated courage in the face of hardship. Your character is being refined. Be strong. When you feel your emotions spinning out of control, remember that it WILL pass. Keep posting, we are all rooting for you.

MM, I think you have single handedly changed my entire view of the military. You should run for president! ;-)

Oh man...I dont want that job!! Me and the press would last about two seconds and I'd hafta throw them out of the White House!

When I was in Bosnia right after 9/11, I had one of these useful idiots put a mic in my face and ask me if I thought what we were doing there was the right thing to do? In my mind I was like "What kinda idiot asks that question?" But, I did the political thing and just said "You know, I gotta get back to work. Have a nice day." And I walked away.

I dont know how the President or any of those guys do it. Cause you gotta know that if you unleashed them, they would have a whole can of mess they would unload on the press corps.

In His arms.

Mortar-



See.....you're diplomatic too....that settles it...Mortarman for Prez <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

-Caren

Scarey thought, folks!!

I'd run on a platform that would make adultery a captial crime (just kidding! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />).

In His arms.

The weekend is slowly passing by. I have been faithful to my Plan A. Sent 2 care packages with little notes and another one is going out on Monday. Have sent little emails for my WH to read as an update on us, and I even found the truck he has ben looking forward to buying. I sent him an email with the truck specs and price, etc.

And I get nothing in return.

Is this how Plan A is supposed to work? It is really difficult to put all the time and effort into all these thoughtful things and then have my H ignore me. Is this the normal action of a WH? He won't even respond to the simplest of questions. The only emails I've had are about him working so he couldn't call, or him needing to get some money.

Is this normal? Or is this a really bad sign? Has he already completely checked out?
JJ

This is completely normal. Stop expecting anything at all from him. We often say Plan A is like planting seeds in a garden. You make the garden nice, with good soil, no weeds, and then plant the seeds, and water them. The next day, you water some more. But you can't be disappointed and quit, or your garden won't grow.

Can someone give me a few examples of posts that help describe the behaviors of a WS (particularly a husband)?

I would like to read up on what to expect, so I can put a better handle on my emotions when those things start to show up.

I have been reading through lots of posts, but maybe someone can guide me to a few older or relevant ones that deal specifically with what actions a WH takes.

Thanks,
JJ

A little funny update... My H calls from work to talk. I tell him DS is taking his nap (which is supposed to be his reason for calling). We chat for a little while, then he proceeds to have a conversation with someone on the other end. I sit there for a little bit, then just say "Ok, I'll talk to you later" and just hang up.

Well he calls back right away and tried to get mad and I said, "Oh, it's okay, I didn't want you to waste your minutes!" Then chat, and goodbye.

Thanks Orchid! Your stories led me to the power to JUST HANG UP!
JJ

Happy monday everyone. This will be my last monday at home. I officially start my new job next week. Hopefully it will make the time pass quickly. I am getting jittery for when my H comes home, and it is still 2 months away! I can't wait to have something to do BESIDES worry.

Sorry for the extensive editing

Still doing a strong Plan A... Talking now almost everyday. This is a huge improvement over when I first started posting and got 1 email every two weeks. Little steps...
JJ

No. There are privacy rights and confidentiality rules. So, you will not be told the outcome of the investigation. You can inquire if they have concluded the investigation and what actions were taken. But the specifics you wont be privy to.


You can call and ask the IG on your case when she thinks she will complete it and ask her to call you once she is done. Then if she doesnt call, you can call her back after that time.


This is why MB works, Jen. Whether or not you save your marriage (odds are you will), the process you go thru here makes you stronger and have more control.

Without it, you would still be flailing around! As we all were.

In His arms.

Is there any way to deal with respect issues during Plan A? I find it really hard to deal with my H not answering my questions (just normal, everyday questions) and ignoring me until he sees fit.

Should I just choke it down and keep doing my good Plan A? Or do I address the issue and ask for a little consideration. During our daily chat today, I did ask if he ever checked his email anymore. He told me of course he did, why? To that I replied that he didn't respond to any of my notes. He said simply "Oh, sorry". And actually sounded like he didn't mean anything by it. Am I being to pushy? Am I asking to much? I feel that way, so maybe I should back of for a while? I don't want him to feel he has to respond. That's not the point, right?

So I guess I just answered my own question, lol. Amazing what a little rambling will do.

"Should I just choke it down and keep doing my good Plan A?"

Yep. Going to work outside the home will help you. You'll have other things to think about, and new challenges.

Sorry for the extensive editing

Good. Now relax, and realize that you have done the best thing possible to save your marriage and end the affair.