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#1597803 02/23/06 03:01 PM
Joined: Oct 2005
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I moved out of the house about 4 months ago.

My soon to be ex was a real nightmare to live with. She was mentally and emotionally abusive. I posted about it back in the fall and was surprised to hear everybody say I should get out. I suppose I lived with it so long that I just didn't see how bad it really was.

I taped some of her screaming and had a counselor listen to it and he said she was extremely abusive, degrading and that no human should have to live with that. He also said she was projecting her flaws on me and that she probably needs some meds and that she may very well be bipolar.

I did some research on the bipolar issue and believe that is probably the case.

My problem now besides a life lived in limbo, and her stated goal in life of "destroying me and taking me for all I am worth" is that I am having nightmares of her screaming at me. I wake up several times a week from nightmares of her screaming, sometimes several times a night.

I also believe she was on the verge of setting me up with some kind of domestic violence charge and that is a frequent theme of my nightmares, that she charged me with something and I end up in jail. I never made any threats towards her, either physical or verbal, but she did threaten to kill me 3 times.

The thing that was the final straw was she said, "she felt physically threatened by me." I called a lawyer friend and he said "she is lining you up for a domestic violence charge" so I got out, took a witness too so she couldn't say I hit her.

Life is already a lot better. The feeling of being in limbo sucks, but its nice to have peace after I get off work instead of dreading going home.

She says she wants "what she is Entitled to" and has the attitude that she owns me like a packmule, which unfortunately is essentially true since she didn't work for the last 10 years. That part of this mess really is depressing, I know I will be supporting her for the rest of my life. I have a vision of a 78 year old me, getting out of my wheel chair to write her a check and it just makes me sick.

my main question is, are the nightmares normal for newly separated people that have been in my situation?

Should I go see some counselor or something about it? I feel like a wimp for even considering it, but its not getting better on its own and I don't want to mess with doctors and drugs unless it gets much worse.

also, this board is great, I am a frequent lurker but don't post much.

thanks.

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Beat, Man, Im sorry. That is horrible. You really need documentation of the verbal abuse. Is it safe to guess she can be physically abusive also?

I would have to agree, get out stay out, document anything and everything. Tape conversations, witnesses, etc...

Good Luck

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She hit me in the chest a few times, nothing really serious.

Just talking to her on the phone is enough to cause my hands to get sweaty and my heart rate to peak. Its amazing the effect she has on me still.

One death threat was pretty scary and I took it seriously at the time but she didn't do anything really.

Its a shame, but the tapes aren't admissible in court according to my lawyer, but I do have witnesses that can testify if needed. It was common knowledge around the office about her, she did it in the office sometimes. People would come tell me she is on the phone looking for me, and then they would say their were sorry.

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You could be suffering from Post Tramatic Stress syndrome.


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

Recovered
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Are you sure about tapes not being admissible in the case that someone perjures themselves. I know in MS that can be used to refute a person who perjures themselves in court.

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seriously? I hadn't thought of that.

I have been in combat, Really, under fire from Iraqi's or whoever was shooting at us, been kicked off the ground by rocket and motar impacts, and I prefered that to dealing with her.

Somedays, I wish I was back over there. It was hot, but not that bad, and the money was good.

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First of all I want to thank you for your service to our country. You guys are real heroes in my book.

Check out the tape/perjury issue with your attorney. Sounds as if your wife/ex wife has some psychological issues and may need to be evalutated by a professional.

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Quote
She hit me in the chest a few times, nothing really serious.

Just talking to her on the phone is enough to cause my hands to get sweaty and my heart rate to peak. Its amazing the effect she has on me still.

One death threat was pretty scary and I took it seriously at the time but she didn't do anything really.

You need to get a restraining order against her. She is verbally abusive, has made death threats against you, and you live in fear of her. That's all you need for a restraining order.

I would also suggest you do this to protect yourself. If you file one first, anything she says or does will appear as retaliation. I fear if you wait, she is going to make up all sorts of charges against you. The best defense is a good offense. Plus, you really do need to keep her away. I'm sorry you are going through this. As your counselor said, no one deserves to be treated this way. Good luck.
S.


Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 846
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I got this off an infidelity website. A lot of BS suffer from PTS. Hope this helps you.

http://www.drbalternatives.com/articles/gc5.html
Symptoms of PTSD
People can be considered to have PTSD when they have been exposed to an extreme trauma, the symptoms last at least a month in duration, and the symptoms cause excessive distress so that social functioning and job performance are impaired. One sign of PTSD is that the traumatic event is relived repeatedly in the person s mind and this appears in the form of flashbacks, recurrent images, thoughts or dreams about the event...and even nightmares. Reminders of the event can cause distress so many people go out of their way to avoid places and events that remind them of the catastrophic occurrence. Many people experience anxiety, restlessness, concentration difficulties, decreased memory, irritability, sleeplessness, hypervigilance, or an exaggerated startle response. Some people even experience what is called survivor s guilt because they survived and others did not or because of certain things they may have had to do in order to survive.

There are three main clusters of PTSD symptoms, and all three of these groupings must be present for a diagnosis of PTSD.

Intrusive Symptoms: Intrusive and repetitive memories which stir up negative feelings experienced during the trauma can overwhelm a person. These memories can appear in the form of:

flashbacks (a feeling of reliving the trauma)
frequent, distressing memories of the trauma
nightmares
emotional and physical distress when traumatic memories are triggered.
Arousal Symptoms: PTSD sufferers experience physiological reactions, which indicate that they don t feel safe and they are physically on the alert to deal with danger. These can include:
being easily startled or feeling jumpy
hypervigilance (feeling on guard even when the situation is safe)
concentration difficulties
outbursts of anger and irritability
problems in falling asleep or staying asleep.
Avoidance Symptoms: People suffering from PTSD go out of their way to escape the overpowering memories and arousal symptoms. This pattern of behavior can include:

avoiding places, people or situations that serve as reminders of the trauma
avoiding thoughts or feelings associated with the trauma
memory loss about some aspects of the traumatic event
feeling emotionally numb
feeling estranged or detached from other people
feelings of hopelessness and helplessness about the future
decreased interest in pleasurable activities.
There are other emotional and physical problems that may accompany PTSD. Unfortunately, some people seek relief from these symptoms without dealing with the root cause so that the symptoms persist. These problems may precede PTSD, in which case they become exacerbated, or they might develop after the onset of PTSD. The emotional problems include panic disorder, agoraphobia (fear of being out in public), social anxiety (speaking in public), depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, sleep disorders, suicidal thoughts and substance abuse (drug or alcohol abuse). The physical problems can include skin problems, pain, gastrointestinal disorders, fatigue, respiratory problems, low back pain, muscle cramps, headaches, and cardiovascular problems.

It is important to remember that PTSD is a normal reaction to a very abnormal situation. There is no shame in experiencing these symptoms, nor is having these symptoms a sign of weakness. Help is available from trained professionals so that in most cases, with the appropriate effort and courage, the symptoms can disappear completely, or at least substantially decrease and become more manageable.

Getting Help for PTSD
We live in a world of relative safety most of the time but it is a world in which people often lack support for dealing with calamities. In these times we may not have the extended families, long-term friendships, sense of neighborhood, feeling of community or the support from religion that have historically helped people endure times of crisis. We usually get along without difficulty as long as things go smoothly. But when a crisis occurs, we sometimes simply do not know what to do or where to turn.

Traumatic events can leave us stranded. We may lack not only social support when a crisis occurs, but also the language for understanding the place of tragedy in our lives. We may not know how to conceptualize it how to use words that can describe a disaster and make it real. We may not know how to react emotionally when crisis comes into our lives these are feelings that we may have never experienced before and they may frighten us. So we refuse to accept the crisis or to deal with it. We think we are strong and able to endure anything. Denial comes easily. Refusing or not knowing how to deal with the thoughts and feelings that accompany a major catastrophe, unfortunately, sets us up for PTSD. And it is not our fault.

PTSD is highly treatable, especially if it is caught early. The idea behind the treatment is to process or work through the traumatic event, as well as to manage the immediate troublesome symptoms the person is experiencing. A trained therapist can help the PTSD sufferer to find the words, in a safe and gentle way, to talk about the event and to confront the feelings that accompany the experience. This is not an easy step, but it is a necessary one. While it might seem natural to avoid reliving a painful memory, it is important to face the memories, feel the emotions and try to work through them. When this happens, the trauma no longer controls the person the person is now in control of the memory of the trauma to the extent that he or she can approach it objectively and flexibly.

A person who has survived a traumatic event will probably never feel as if the event never happened, but the distressing and disruptive effects of PTSD can be alleviated. In therapy, a person can learn to describe a coherent account of his or her life. People who are able to do this are much less susceptible to the effects of trauma. Therapists use a number of techniques to help a person work through traumatic events, some involving talking and some involving more physical interventions. Sometimes medication can help to lessen the anxiety, depression and sleep difficulties, as well as the physical symptoms, which go along with PTSD. Social agencies now use highly effective techniques, such as critical incident debriefing, to help people process their way through a trauma immediately after a disaster occurs in a community. Victims of violence are often now given support to talk about the event soon after it has occurred.

The old way of thinking was that the strongest people were those who could hold in their emotions and face tragedy stoically. Unfortunately, this is precisely the pattern which leads to PTSD. Real strength comes from knowing oneself and expressing that sense of self in the world with openness, honesty, integrity and courage.

Some PTSD Statistics
Most people who are exposed to extreme stress are able to process their way through their reactions and never develop PTSD.

It has been estimated that 70 percent of people will be exposed to a traumatic event in their lifetime.
Of those people, 20 percent will go on to develop PTSD.
At any given time, an estimated 5 percent of people have PTSD.
Approximately 8 percent of the population will develop PTSD during their lifetime.
Women are about twice as likely to develop PTSD as men, mostly because women are more susceptible to experience interpersonal violence, including rape and physical beatings.
Victims of domestic violence and childhood abuse are at tremendous risk for PTSD.
Rape is the leading cause of PTSD.
Do You Have PTSD?
Do you have any of the following problems? If you check at least seven of the following items and it is several months after you have experienced a catastrophic event, it is advisable to have a professional consultation to determine if therapy for PTSD is indicated.

____ 1. I have strong physical sensations (e.g., sweating, rapid heart beat) when I think about the event.
____ 2. I try to avoid having upsetting thoughts or having contact with things or places associated with the event.
____ 3. My feelings are numb and I have difficulty experiencing normal pleasure and happiness.
____ 4. I am always watchful to make sure I don t experience the same event again.
____ 5. I have feelings of guilt associated with the traumatic event.
____ 6. I have the feeling of being unreal or that the world is unreal.
____ 7. I feel alienated or isolated from others.
____ 8. I get irritated or angry a lot.
____ 9. I have flashbacks of the event (feeling like the past event is happening all over again in the present).
____ 10. I have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep because memories of the event come into my mind.
____ 11. I have memory difficulties and trouble concentrating these days.
____ 12. I am easily startled when I hear a loud noise or when danger seems imminent.
____ 13. I have been relying increasingly on alcohol or drugs to get through the day.

You never have to go through this alone. Know that there is help for you!


Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 846
S
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S Offline
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Posts: 846
Quote
Are you sure about tapes not being admissible in the case that someone perjures themselves. I know in MS that can be used to refute a person who perjures themselves in court.
I don't know about that but in my state it is illegal to record someone without their prior knowledge/consent. Yes, even in your own home.


Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 18
B
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B Offline
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 18
I was just a contractor, I never was military, although I wish I had done a turn in it.

Should have said combat zone, I got shot at, never got to shoot back, although I was in the middle of it and several were killed and wounded near me and I almost ate it myself plenty of times. It was tense and scary.

I was just there to help out as much as I could and was told I saved some lives. Who really knows. It was a mess at the time.


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