I am brand new to this forum (in fact, I've never posted on any internet boards or blogs in my life), but not new to the concepts contained within the MarriageBuilders philosophy on saving relationships. After reviewing the Basic Concepts, et al, I am still puzzled by my situation and what I should do. Here goes the summary:
My wife and I met 14 years ago and are approaching 12 years of marriage. For years, we struggled as a couple, because of me. Due to “issues” that I will not mention here (yeah, yeah, we all have had “tough” child hoods, abandonment complexes, etc) I’ve never been a good relationship partner. However, my wife always has been. She was always there for me. I worked, I traveled, I played, etc ... while she was always home taking care of our family and our lives. Anyway, after years of neglect (about 5 years ago), she finally had had enough and “called me on the carpet” in the hopes to get some answers for what was happening to our relationship.
I think I blew her away. I revealed (and definitely NOT willingly, I might add) that I had conducted numerous affairs – never consummating any in a physical sense, but there were enough emotional commitments outside my marriage to devastate a Saint. Even through all this, as well as more lies, etc, she hung in with me. At the time we were expecting our 3rd (of 4) children, so I think she still had hopes for the relationship and family that she dreamed of. Nevertheless, she waited ... and waited ... and waited ... until finally (about 2.5 years ago), after one too many decisions made without mutual enthusiastic agreement, she declared she had had enough. She was no longer investing in us, or our relationship. The odd thing was, we still conducted a physical relationship, we did not physically separate, in fact, to all of our friends and family, everything was “normal.” ******, I had the perfect life ... a beautiful wife, gorgeous children, nice house, and all the trappings of a “single guy’s life” on the side. But through all of this, she still waited and she still hoped. She had faith that through her patience and understanding and supporting love, I would fall madly in love with her. You can see where this is headed – I still kept her at bay, I still conducted inappropriate relationships, I still took advantage of her kindness, love, and seemingly infinite patience.
Then, 2 weeks ago (TODAY!!) my family was traveling with me on a business trip. One thing led to another, and the next thing I know my wife is walking out the door to “do some shopping.” My conference was in a hotel in a gambling city, so she ventured down to the shopping area, then the casino. About 3 hours went by, and I began to get anxious. She never left for more than 2 hours for anything. Then 6 hours, then 8. By this time, I was in full panic mode and contacted the local police. Normally they would not get involved until the person was “missing” for 24 hours, but after hearing my panic and the description of my “perfect relationship” with my wife, even they were a little concerned. A police officer came to my hotel room and we went over some details and a description of my wife. He “consoled” me by telling me that “in this city” what usually happens is the missing spouse goes into a casino, drinks a little too much, and leaves to spend the night with someone who is not their husband/wife. But the “good news” is that she’s probably right here in this casino! Well, he left to “look” for her, and I went into full blown panic!! I made the stupidest decisions. I called her mom and dad (divorced for 5 years now). They, of course, were no help. But lo-and-behold, a knock on my hotel room door at 2 am revealed an officer with my wife in tow. They had taken her into custody! Anyway, we’ll get to that. They declared that they had seen her coming out of a restroom in the casino and escorted her to our room. Getting right to the details, they “turned her over to me” and left. My wife was livid! She told me she had met someone and they were having fun. She was furious that I would interfere with her fun! She said that after the years of putting up with me, why couldn’t she have some fun! etc, etc Anyway, after a short discussion, we both lay down to bed. Except, she only slept for a short while, then went back down to the casino to reunite with her mystery man. She told me she only went down to say good bye (on her terms – which, in the end, I really respect!), then came back to the room.
The next day we had a 7 hour drive home. The ride was painful as she very willingly shared the details of her evening. She said there was physical contact (flirting rubs, caresses, etc) but that they never kissed, etc. In fact, it was right after their contact that the police interfered and brought her back to our room.
Anyway, there’s so much to say, but where I need help is ... It seems this whole dang thing is my “wake up call.” I do not want to end our relationship. I want her to know everything there is to know about me – I want her to see me being open and honest. It’s only been 2 weeks, but I have taken every step to give her access to my life (work email and vm passwords, etc) so there will be no secrets on my side. This is the relationship that I want. I realize in the true MB fashion, I need to be super tolerant and start building up my love bank, and just concentrate all of my physical and emotional energy there. As I try to do this, however, I have found that she is searching the internet for old flames, joining “extramarital affairs” chat groups, etc. I took her away for Valentine’s Day in the hopes of starting to show her how important she is, but on that day she paid for membership to an internet group. So ... what the heck do I do?? She has told me in no uncertain terms that it is not my business what she joins or what she’s doing. She’s clearly looking for a relationship outside our marriage to fill a gap. She told me that “it’s great” that I “finally” want an open and honest relationship, but TOO BAD, I’M TOO LATE! I want to try to be as loving as possible, but what do I do about this? Every time she leaves the house, I fear that she is going to meet someone. I believe I deserve this pain, but I do not want our relationship to end. Any advice?
