Help! I am the cheater and have broke it off with my lover last week.. I asked my husband to come home (which he did). It hasn't been easy but he has great patience... my question is: I can't bring myself to have sex with my husband, I don't find him attractive and in a sense I avoid sexual moments with him. However, his hugs are nice. I want to have those sexual feelings for him again like I once had... has anyone had experience with this? Will my desire for him return?

Welcome SG,

Have you read the articles on this site about Emotional Needs (ENs), Lovebusters, the Lovebank? These will give you a good idea about what makes a relationships work, roots of desire and being back in love with your H.

Your H (husband) had seperated from you during your A (affair)? You asked him back home and he returned. That's something to be amazed and grateful for, I would think. In my opinion (IMO), I believe it takes a real man to do that. You broke it off just last week. How do you feel? Did you write a no contact letter?

Your H is loyal, patient and believes in you and your marriage...you don't find that sexy? Boy, I did! What does sexual fulfillment (SF) mean to you...what does it represent? It is an EN, so if you could share that, we can help.

Wayward Spouses (WS) are all different, but mostly the same. Some have immediate SF and lots of it; others feel as you do, and some are inbetween and sporadic.

You don't find your H attractive for many reasons, most of which are things in you, not him. Getting those perceptions cleared up are critical to feeling desire and a willingness to meet your H's ENs.

In my case, SF was acceptance to me, so SF didn't cease, but rather increased during my A. I needed my H to accept me even when I was ripping him open and pouring salt on his heart. He desperately wanted me to accept him and SF was the way he felt intimate and close, all the time, losing me. Anger, resentment and entitlement finally marched in and stomped over both of our sexual desires. Didn't get it back for four months. Then I did, but he didn't...he had begun his own revenge A. He no longer found me attractive--though I had changed a lot, including losing 100 lbs. Think that was a physical reaction or an emotional one?

Yes, I know not wanting sexual moments..for me that was kissing, rubbing, affection of support or intimacy. I wore my anger like a shield, made selfish demands and resented him for a thousand things over the course of our marriage.

What anger or resentment do you hold?

Does desire return? Bigger than before, if you follow the steps to recovery and allow him to deposit in your lovebank. Really works. Lots of recovered marriages here. If you block those deposits, it won't. Unless you change you, you're looking at being a destroyer with no redemption in sight. Since you're here on MB, I believe you're not someone who will refuse to examine yourself or recover your marriage.

What do you think?

LA

I forgot to add...it would be better if you moved your post to the Infidelity General Questions II board because it gets the most traffic. Ack. I should have said that first.

Sorry about that. Hope you reply.

LA

LA,

Thanks so much for your reply. I was desperate yesterday, I really want my marriage to work, to be better than ever. Yes, I've read the articles on EN's, Lovebusters and Lovebanks, I suppose I'm wanting to rush things, it's this period of uncertainty that I don't like. What you've said has helped tremendously... your right... the reason I'm not finding him attractive are things within me and have nothing to do with him. That was an eye opener.

hmm... how do I feel after last week's break off with my lover? Confused and sad but it seems to be getting better... I'm breaking out of the depression or is it that I'm getting over the withdrawl period?

Oh, congrats on the weight loss!!

Saving Grace....

In case resentments are what you've identified in yourself in the way of your desire, read this link

Start midway down the page and continue onto page three, because I just saw an answer to your question that accompanies the one I gave you about "will desire ever return?"

Good to know you don't like uncertainty. What is the feeling behind uncertainty that you dislike so much you want to rush ahead and not feel it?

LA

LA...

hmm... I didn't see the link you were speaking of... I suppose the feeling behind uncertainty is that I want to desire my H, I don't want to put this effort into reconciling only to find out I don't desire him, that I'm only making it work for the sake of family, friends and for his benefit. Make sense?

Saving Grace.