Hey there,
Thanks so much for thinking of me today. Your prayers and support mean the world, as you know.

Our talk today went as well as could be expected. I am not disappointed, so I guess that's what matters.

My H no longer wants to file for divorce now, but wants to remain separated (he is not ready to move back in and I agree) for the time being & start working on ourselves, i.e IC and he needs to find happiness within himself also. He really misses our children and is having a hard time dealing with the reality of us not being a family. He isn't so sure anymore of what he originally wanted, meaning is it the right choice to divorce? He is having second thoughts and would like to see if we can rediscover our love for each other. He would like to see us start doing family things (like dinner out or whatever) at least once a week - as a first step. All in all I think it was a very positive evening/talk. We had dinner and all went well - came home, put the kiddos to bed and talked some more. I needed to address some concerns of my own (within him) in order for us to move forward in anyway at all. i.e, discontinue the relationship with the MOW. He said he fully understands and totally agrees that that needs to end. He said all in due time and that he will deal with things on his end. Whatever that means?

You all would have been so proud at how strong I remained. It took EVERYTHING in me not to just smother him with hugs, kisses and pour out the "I love you's and I miss you's" - I did not breathe a word of that & did not make the first move with regard to affection. As he was getting ready to leave he asked me to get up from the couch and he proceeded to give me two HUGE, very long hugs. (Boy did they feel awesome!!!) He must have thanked me 10 times for having dinner with him.

About 15 minutes after he left he called me to say thank you again and to tell me he had a really nice night.

I still feel cautiously optimistic - my mindset has not changed from that and for now, that is how I will remain. I am going to continue to be how I have been.

What do you guys think? Fire away...

Thankful, I am so happy for you. This is great news. I think not rushing back into things is also very wise. You don't want to go back to the way things were, you want to make it better than ever. Doing things as a family sounds wonderful.

I am a little confused about the "in due time" part of it, but this was a good step forward. There may still be a long way to go, but that first step is always the hardest.

I am proud of how strong you were. I probably would have wanted to say "I love you" a million times. You did great! Just keep up the tough love principles so he has to respect you.

I will keep praying for you. Tonight, maybe you can have a big smile on your face, and sleep really well. You deserve it.

Goodnight,

Tired41

What wonderful news!! This sounds so positive, and I'm praying that your and your H will work very hard to restore your love and marriage. What a nice post!
All the best,
Cis

Wow Thankful! This sounds very positive! I'm so happy for you. It sounds great, but I agree that you should remain cautiously optimistic. This is a good start for you two. I agree with Tired though, I don't understand the "in due time" part. And it's wise not to just jump right back into things. This thing will take teeny tiny baby steps, so don't get ahead of yourself. I am proud of how you controlled yourself. I could not have done that at all. YOU ARE DOING GOOD! REMEMBER TO STAY STRONG AND CONTINUE THE TOUGH LOVE. I think this is a very important factor. I was thinking about you last night before bed and I couldn't wait to get here this morning so I could see if you had posted. This is great...just great. I'm so happy for you.

My night was horrible. H called me yesterday to tell me that he had a conference call after work and then he had to take one of his contractors (a woman) out to eat. He's done this before but usually got home around 8PM. I had gotten home a little before 8 and was trying to get the baby to sleep as he's still not feeling well and the phone rang but I couldn't get to it. After I got the baby to sleep I checked the id and it was H that called. I assumed he was calling to tell me he was on his way home. I waited an hour and called him back and he didn't answer the phone. He came home at 11PM. He originally told me he was going out with one woman, when he got home he named off about four other woman that went. He went to a very expensive restaraunt. I was jealous. And on top of it all I was sick all evening, throwing up. I didn't say anything to him last night about it. I just told him that I was trying to call him becuase I was sick and needed a little bit of help. He came to bed, told me he loved me and missed me.

This morning was a different story. I woke up feeling sick again. And on top of that aggravated about last night. I LB big time. Told him how I felt. Got into an argument. I just basically told him that it was my problem not his because I was jealous and having trouble letting go. That he would never attempt to take me out to eat and spend four hours with me...to an expensive place like he did with those women. And that he has a job where he's not allowed to take a phone call from his own wife during these times. I wasn't calling him to check on him or tell him to come home. I was just wondering if he was on his way or not cause I spent my time at the toilet with the three year old asking questions and the baby trying to stick his hands at the toilet. That's all. I guess I shouldn't have called at all. I do not need to depend on my H anymore because he can't be there.

He told me that the boys were staying with his parents this Sat night and that we needed to sit down and talk. I told him there was no reason to talk that he had said everything he needed to...that this was my problem to deal with now. That I have to learn to except that were over. He said if I wanted to give up on us then that was fine.

I wished I had never opened my mouth now. I need to go see the dr for AD's. Maybe they can help me control my emotions better. I don't know. I did call him back and apologize for LBng. I know I shouldn't have did this. I just can't control myself sometimes.

Tired: I did mention the divorce article that you sent me to my H and he said he'd like to read it. do you think that I should forward it to him? Or just forget about it? He told me that he looks at me sometimes and wants to punch me right in the face, but yet he loves me so much. That's why it won't work. He is a very angry man. And there's nothing I can do now. So should I email the article or just let it pass and suck it up as long as I can?

I take ya'lls advice very seriously. It helps me throughout the day.

I'm sorry about how things went Soon. When we are trying to save our marriages, we go through so many emotions, and added to that is the seeming indifferance of our spouses, and we can be expected to LB at times. Don't beat yourself up because of it. Why do we get mad and say things we later regret, because we care so much and can see our families breaking apart. It is very sad and extremely frustrating.

I would send the divorce article to him. I never sent it to my STBXW, but I wish that I had. She does not want to see it now. The fact that he says he loves you and sometimes want to punch you might not be as bad as it sounds (as long as he doesn't hit you). It shows that there is still some feeling there. When they make up their mind that it's over, they really don't care what you do. That's where my STBX is at now.

Stay strong and remember tough love.

Tired

Thanks for your support everyone. I have done alot of thinking since last night & the only thing that is bothering me is the fact that he wants to see me do stuff, like get IC and get a job & wants us to do family related things once a week - yet, it doesn't seem that he is willing to do what he needs to do, meaning, end his relationship with MOW. Know what I mean? How do I go about this without LBing? I don't plan to approach it right away, but maybe early next week. I just don't get what he's trying to accomplish now...do you think there is a possibility that he is cake eating? Gets his family fix with me & his whatever fix with her? I will not tolerate that if that is what it is, but how do I go about finding out if that is what is really going on? I believe that he is undecided now, where before he was adamant about going thru the divorce but I am confused still. Am I making sense? Let me know your thoughts please... thanks.


I'm sorry you had a bad night last night. What does he want to sit down and talk about? I'd be curious about that. ((HUGS)) I hope you are feeling better today.

Tough Love Tough Love Tough Love. I have to get that in my mind. I have to.

I will forward the article to him. Honestly, I don't think he will even read it. He is so set in his mind that he believes what he wants. He doesn't believe in studies, he doesn't believe in bi-polar, he doesn't believe in post partum depression...he just doesn't believe in stuff like that. OH well, I'm going to forward it to him anyway and hope that he reads it and takes itseriously. By forwarding him this article though...would that be considered breaking the tough love rules? I have to practice this tough love better.

I just got an email about the divorce care group here. It doesn't start until April. The last class ends this week and then they are going to Guatamela (sp) or somewhere like that and the teacher wont be back until April.

I wanted to call back and say "look can't you put your guatamela tripp off until later I need help here". LOL. April seems like a long time off. But if it doesn't start till April, then I'll have to wait for April.

I just got a dr appt for next week to see about some AD's. I wish I could have gotten it sooner than Thrs but oh well.

Tired41,

Could I get this article as well?

motley_namrag@hotmail.com

Thankful: This is where I am not good at giving good advice. On HOW to do things. When he said "in due time". I would have LB'd big time. He needs to be a little more specific on what that meant. In due time? Heck, the time is now if he wants to work. You see, that's my take. But my take may not be right. I mean, are you supposed to go ahead and ASK him what steps HE is going to take? Or are you just supposed to wait and see? Maybe someone with more experience will hop on here and answer that question. I'd like to know the answer to. That's where this tough love thingy isn't doing so well for me. I am a very impatient person. Something else I need to work on to improve me.

I don't know what the heck he wants to sit down and talk to me about. I just told him there was nothing left to talk about. Like you, I fear that it will just turn into the same old stuff. Giving me false hope, and then blaming me for EVERYTHING. I fully take responsibility for what I have done. But I will not ever take responsibiltiy for his choices. Ofcourse he thinks he has made no mistakes. Just minor ones. His lies, his OW. I think he has lied so much that he believes them himself. And yet I still love this man with all of my heart. Every ounce of it.

TiredDad,

I emailed two articles to you.

Tired41

I think I know what I need to do but as I said, I am going to wait until early next week to bring it up. I am going to ask him what his goal is. And if it's to see if he and I can be together again, then he also needs to do his part which means he needs to end it with MOW. If he cannot do that, then I am going to have to refuse to do the "once a week family stuff" and we can go back to the way it was before (which I know he wasn't liking very much) meaning he can talk to DS on the phone and do stuff with him on his own, not including the MOW in that either. And I will go about my business, accept that it's over and keep our relationship just like that. He can't have both of us. It isn't fair to me if I am willing to do what it takes and he is not. I will not tolerate that. If he truly wants to see if we can rebuild our marriage then shouldn't he be willing to do what it takes too?

Then on the other hand, I wonder if I should just leave it alone, not bring it up again and have these once a wk family things and let him see how great it could be & hope that the other just dies a natural death? I don't know. I am very confused now.

I am still practicing tough love with him. When he called this morning he tried talking a little bit and I quickly said "do you want to talk DS?" they talked and then we got back on the phone and he told me about a dream he had...then he told me that he was surprised that I liked the tatoo he got (since normally I am not a tatoo kind of gal) - he got a 6 inch wide tribal art band around his bicep - and I said why are you surprised that I liked it? he said because I know you don't like tatoos. I said "actually I think it's pretty sexy, I like it" - Then I told him I had to go and we hung up.

I am going out tonight for a friends birthday. He doesn't know that I am going out - I don't offer up information like that. I like to remain a mystery to him right now. After all, I don't know what he does, so I try as hard as I can to not let him know what I am doing. Oh gosh, if he calls tonight while my mom's here watching the kids, I can just imagine the conversation going something like this...

HIM: "Where did she go?"
My Mom: "Oh she went out for so and so's birthday"

His wheels will be turning because he knows who my friend is, and he will know that I am out with all the people she works with, who all just happen to be State Troopers. lol!!!

Ugh - this is all so frustrating. Why do I have to play games with my husband??? Keep him guessin'!!!

I don't know what to tell you Thankful. If it were me, and my H wanted to work on the M then that would mean he would have to give up the OW...now...not in due time. I just don't understand that part of it. But it's like I said, maybe my opinion is not the right thing to do. I guess I would wait, bring it up next week...see where he's at with the OW and see what he says. I think it might be too much for you to start making demands. I mean, he seems willing to cooperate so you don't want to drive him away...but on the other hand. He needs to decide what he wants. And he very well be a cake eater. And you don't want that.

I'd just wait till next week. Do like you said and ask him what HIS plans are. And if you don't like what his answer is then tell him no weekely dates. I am so curious what "in due time" means.

Yes, he has to be willing to do what it takes. This cannot be one sided. It will take 100% from the both of you to make this work.

I hope you have fun tonight with your friends. Your H needs to know that your not sitting at home waiting on him. I haven't gotten to that point yet. Ofcourse we are still in the same house. But I always run home as fast as I can. If someone, like my mom or one of the band members is trying to schedule a show...I get all nervous. Like, I really don't want to do anything else besides be at my H side. I hate that about myself. And I don't have any friends that go out anyway. They are all married with children. Which is going to make it harder. He works with mostly young single people who go out all the time partying. I don't. I gave up my friends for him a long time ago.

I admit I have played games with my H too. Wanting him to wonder where I was at. But I wont do that anymore becuase the last time it happened he got really pissed and cursed me to no end. Said I did it becuase it gave me the upper hand. He just doens't understand. Anyway, I'v chosen not to play that game anymore.

Making a demand is exactly how I DO NOT want to come across. Which is why I'm trying to figure out the best way to do this. I guess I have to see how things are over the next few days and play it by ear. Never a dull moment, huh? It's actually all pretty simple...he has to want ME back. He has to want our family to be together and want our marriage to work. If he does not have that desire than it's dead. I guess I need to see how much he truly wants it, right? And I agree, he seems willing to take some baby steps so I don't want to ruin that either.

Hey Thankful,

How's the day going?

I've been catching up on your posts, and I think that you are still in a good position. You still have his family and he's missing that. I wouldn't go in making demands, just keep to your tough love, and let your actions show him what you will accept, which is his best. Dobson said in his book "Love Must Be Tough" that when one partner starts to pull away, it is a natural tendancy for the other partner to try to get closer. If you can reverse this on him, it should make him see that he is the one who stands to lose the most. IMHO, if you could let him know that you still love him but at the same time that you can definately be happy without him, it will drive him crazy. That's just human nature.

I think you can do this by not being clingy, not being available whenever he wants, and not telling him your every move. This will be harder to do than it is to say, but it will make him wonder.

You are in a good position with this. Keep up the good work.

Tired41

Just adding my 2 cents here....... Long story but I was with my ex for 12 years, married 3, separated 4.......he cheated on me, lied about money, credit cards, etc. Even after all that I wanted my marriage to work and tried everything I could. He would say things to make me think he was trying, etc. However, I ended up finding out he was still seeing the OW the entire time. We are divorced now. Somehow, you need to talk to him about it very calmly. Ask him his intentions and calmly explain that there is no way it can work with OW involved. I feel for you... what a hard time. I finally just had to call the OW and ask her what he had been telling her so I finally had the facts. What a mess. I am glad that I have moved on from all that.

You are in my prayers.

Hi Tired....of course I want the "divorce" article too!
EdelmanDog@aol.com

grasping at straws...

You got it CIS.

Thanks for your insight Tired. I have that book and have read and re-read it many times. I am practicing the principles in the book, which is why I think I am in the position I am in now, where he is beginning to reconsider things. I have been doing all those things, like not being clingy, not letting him know my every move and not being at his beck and call, etc... I have been doing this now since about February 7th. As I said, I think me acting elusive, etc...is why he is starting to think about things differently. So I need to keep up the tough love and see where it takes us.

I am out of here for the night. Hope you all have a nice one.

((HUGS))

I have a feeling I'm going to have a tough weekend ahead of me. Husband stoppped in to see me at work today. Was acting funny. I am going to have to keep repeating it...tough love tought love tough love.

Thinking of all of you and have a good weekend. I'll post with yall on Monday. God Bless.