RC....sometimes it is difficult to put the MB philosphy to practicle use. Here is a story from almost a year ago while I was reconciling and recovering:Part of SMOMY STORY

Look at the way people took my approach. Look my W still get supset I look at her e-mails occasionally. She gets very upset. I am however unapologetic about it because there are REASONS why I look.

Keep reading this site. SLOW DOWN! You have the rest of your life. Nothing will happen quickly.

Best of luck to you...

SMOMW, I don't understnad what you mean here:

SMOMY said:
Look at the way people took my approach. Look my W still get supset I look at her e-mails occasionally. She gets very upset. I am however unapologetic about it because there are REASONS why I look.

Would you explain?

Also why do you feel I have so much time? First of all, this is the second go around and also I am refusing any intimacy short of common everyday friendly conversation until WS understands my boundaries. It seems this is in order. I took him back before and he did what he wanted. If I don't have anything else to be left with I want to be left with my dignity for not engaing in anything emotional.

I just feel that something progressive needs to be going on. An understanding needs to be established.

And also aren't you dv from this person?

People looked at my letter to her as condescending and rude, being all about me. It was not, it was a clear and concise letter about our boundaries and me enforcing mine. It was misunderstood.




Recovery is a brutally long process and is best described as the worst roller coaster ride invented. The reality is if you push the process it unravels. So I am saying slow down that is all. You need to establish boundaries for taking him back and enforce them without hesitation. You can run your boundaries by folks here who will help you.

I remarried on 2/18/06....less than 2 weeks ago...why??

SMOMW, I'm asking you used your letter as an example. Didn't you dv this person. I don't quite want a dv just yet.

That letter was during the 2 YEAR recovery - reconciliation process....AFTER we divorced...

You need to make a plan to prevent a D cause that is where you're headed...part of that plan is defining what your plan is! Right now you're haphazardly REACTING...be proactive....

SMOMY, Ok I agree. I am reacting. How the heck do I establish boundaries? I'm trying to be proactive but there is fear in part and a real concern that WS doesn't care enough to want to make changes. Seems that he wants things to go right back to being the same way and I don't want that.

Also, did you remarry the same person? I was wondering because it seems a little scarry going down dv road. I admit I'm not ready for it though at times I realize it would be so much easier but I worry abouit my kids being in a split home.

remarried same person....when you get time read my story, it is unique and somewhat bizarre but there is a large part of it that goes by the script..

dv road is really scary, being single is scary...I decided life is scary!!

Now...part of your plan is going to be accepting reality and part of reality is that your H is not committed to his M or saving it.

Read the site, read the books people recommend, follow the MB principles, Plan A, POJA, transparency, etc.

What is disturbing is that I'm trying to establish boundaries but can't get a clear picture. It is disturbing having to read so much. I never get a plan only reading. What am I to do? I feel WS has to understand before I can look at us as a we or him as a FWS. I don't want his compromised"give what he wants to", version of working it out. Also as a man do you think it is a bad idea for BS keep things friendly/civil only until matters are worked out?

This just seems like it is going the same way it did before.

Please help. WS and I had a talk today. He told me many things which I've taken note of and believe that he was sincere about. I am however concerned about one of them. Prior to this conversation, I expressed to him that I want him to be transparent with me and he agreed. However when I asked him this morning to allow me to look into something personal of his he felt I was like spying on him. He allowed me to, but was upset. He says he feels that I am a little paranoid. He probably feels more like saying he feels that I'm a lot paranoid. He also expressed that he doesn't like it that I am fearful about many things. I told him that I was sorry that he felt I was paranoid but it wasn't without connection to the behavior that he has exhibited. I expressed that I felt it wasn't just something I felt out of the blue, it was because of our past history and his affairs. He told me that he feels that I'm not letting go of what has happened and that I can't get over it. He also said he can't believe that I don't believe that he is acting in more trusting ways than he has before. It seems to me that though he is aware that his behavior has contributed to my concerned behavior that I'm overreacting. Can anyone help with how to handle this one? I realize that he is more forgiving in some things than I. Afterall, after the big mess I made with our finances he hardly mentions it. However I have mentioned how I feel about the A on several occasions and how I want him to show that he has changed. I feel I'm losing the battle. Thanks.

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I have a question. My WS still has to work with OW. HE has been away from work for a while. HE and OW returned to work recently.

I asked MY WS if he has had any contact with OW. He said only at work about work. I asked him if she tried to talk about anything else how he would respond. He siad it isn't an issue. Then he said he hadn't thought about it and he doesn't know. I expressed to him it would be make me feel comfortable if I knew he had a reply. I asked if he is aware that he isn't to have conversation with her except for work. He said yes, but was angry.

I called my WS work and OW answered the phone. I said nothing at the time. Then I called back and explained to her that she isn't to have any contact with my H outside of work conversation. She agreed but told me that if there was anything that I had a concern about I would need to talk to my husband. Was I LBing?

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Could anyone share effective ways to approach or expose A to OWH?

How is?

Hi. Are you the H of ______?

My name is _______. My h and your W had an affair during ________ times.

I'm calling because I thought you might want to know.

Answer any questions.

Ok, bye-bye.

Are there any things that should be left out or included?

Thanks.

My H and I are trying to reconcile and I felt that you may want to know also that your M is

RC, there is really no best way to do it. Just tell him you are sorry you must make this call, but his W and your H had an affair and it continues to this day at work. Give him all the pertinent details and offer him your name, phone # and invite him to call you with any questions. You might suggest that you stay in touch to compare notes until is truly over. You could also refer him to Marriage Builders to get some help in saving his marriage.

Melodaylane, ok. Thanks. I guess I want to make sure that I am not too puchy or too anything. Guess it is best to KISS, Keep It Simple Stupid.

ALso, My H and OW are not in the A as of now. However he has returned to work and has to work in same office with her. I thought they worked near each other. Didn't know they worked in same office.

The reason I say the affair is still on is because they are still seeing each other at work every day. That means this is not over. That is about like sending an alcoholic in the bar every day, giving him a drink and expecting him to recover because you call it a "workplace drink." Calling it a workplace drink doesn't change the fact it is still a drink and he will inevitably get drunk.

Contact is contact.

They can't go backwards from being lovers to "friends" or "coworkers."

Ok, gotcha. i understand better. Thanks.

Today everything hit the fan in my M regarding full exposure. Ws isn't speaking to me. I know that LBing isn't best. Should I maybe stay away for while. How does one handle WS after full exposure and WS is defnsive and angry.