I couldn't keep my marriage togethr. I couldn't do a successful plan A. I can't find the courage to go to plan B. My younger chlid is falling apart. My older child has begun blaming me and reveling in my pain. I'm falling apart and my husband has become a cruel, cold stranger who blames me for everything. Just venting I guess.

(((((((((((((IamSoLost))))))))))))))

I am sorry that you are feeling so low.... what can you do about it?

That's the problem. I don't feel like there is anything I can do. I have always been such a strong person. I have gotten through things that seemed impossible. I was in a car accident and was told there was a 98% chance that I would never walk again, but I fought and I won. But this seems so different. It like he has named me the enemy. I can't bear the coldness in his voice. I can't stand how he hangs up the phone without even a goodbye. It's like he has declared war against me and he's winning.

Lost....refresh my memory on the details of your sitch....I know I've heard it, but I can't recall.

Don't feel like a failure. You have to get yourself together, and get with a plan.

It'll be okay.

God Bless,

-Caren

Hi ISL,

I am sorry... but I don't know your story...but...

quote:------------------------------------------------------
I was in a car accident and was told there was a 98% chance that I would never walk again, but I fought and I won
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WOW.... now that's pretty impressive....

quote:------------------------------------------------------
I don't feel like there is anything I can do
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That's not exactly true......

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
I can't find the courage to go to plan B.
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...well.... how about looking for it....because you know it's somewhere...and it looks like you need it!

...if you feel you need to go to PLAN B.... can you tell exactly what is stopping you from doing it? What are you afraid of? ....because as you will notice..... I have been in PLAN B for over 7 months!

quick synopsis:
Me 45, H 44, 2 daughters 22 (getting married in Sept 2006) and 15. Married 17 years. My father died 4 months ago. Immediately afterwards H started staying "at work" until midnight and 1 am. Confronted him with no answers. Hired PI and found nothing. Things here basically returned to normal. Mid-January hubby's behavior changed again. PI hired again and found out about OW co-worker on her 4th marriage. Seemed to be an EA. H made threats about leaving saying he was never happy. Moved out on January 29. Living with his brother. I exposed A to everyone, his parents, siblings, employers etc. 1 week ago H filed for divorce. 15 year old went cold on him, will not talk to him or see him. Plan A since November. H sole provider due to my disabilities (car accident injuries and MS),

I don't know why I'm afraid of plan B. he is so awful to me. he just called and said that if I don't make 15 year old daughter see him sunday he will "make things hard". he was crying on the phone saying he needed to see her and he needs her to know he didn't abandon her. I'm going to break.

But, wait, he did abandon his family including his daughter.

It amazes me how WS's sometimes want act as if everyone and everything is going to be just a happy and free spirited as they are about their little A's. He11 we should be happy for them, that they found the love of their lives (actually the NEXT love of their lives). It is truly amazing to see how they want to behave in anyway they see fit but not experience any of real life's consequences. I think many WS's are doing just that, running from "real life", looking for something to make them happy or someone to make them happy (some find it in an A, some in a bottle, some in a pill, some, you get the point). PEOPLE it is not up to someone else to make you happy, this is something that comes from within. Mobody can be that good over the long haul.

H doesn't see it as abandoning anyone but me, as he just told me on the phone. H was diagnosed by his doctor with clinical depression over 2 years ago. He refused to accept the disgnosis and switched doctor's. He has every classic sign of depression but he gets angry any time it's mentioned. I just told him on the phone that he needed to respect our daughters feelings and that he needs to get medical help for himself. He just got angry. Then he started making his demands that I MAKE her see him and he willl be here at 1pm sunday and I said "you made the choice to leave without consulting me, that is the last decision you will make for me until you can see what you're really doing." He said simply, "1 pm sunday" and hung up. he was shouting at me and i never raised my voice and i never changed my tone. I want to pack my things and my daughters things and just leave but i can't.

Okay........I remember now Lost, I'm sorry. I didn't want to go off 1/2 cocked.

You need to *try* your hand at a last ditch Plan A effort.......I know that him filing on you took the wind out of your sails, but you need to buckle down and do what you can to save the marriage.

You need to be proactive....right now you're just being reactive.

I know that you feel helpless and out of control, and the plans are really the only thing that is going to help you gain control. Plan A even if you see zero results from it.

Stop trying to diagnose your WH (I know that he had an actual Dr.'s diagnosis, but he sees it as you trying to *fix* him).

He has abandoned his family, and he shouldn't be sheltered from that. I think the fact that he's crying points to him being conflicted about the whole deal.

It's easier to be mean and cold to you than it is to deal with the feelings he has.

Come on girl.....arm yourself for battle!! You can do this!!!

God Bless,

-Caren

HAP,

You hit the nail on the head here! I have firsthand experience (on the receiving end) of this with my WW. she wants to make herself happy NOW and nothing else matters. I'm guessing that many WS's are the same, they live for the moment and don't consider the future or are willing to accept any consequences from their actions. It's all about THEIR happiness and it doesn't matter how they get it just as long as they are no matter what!

I talked to hubby's brother, the one he is living with. he called me and he said that hubby is home after work immediately, every night. he said he spends his free time at his parents house. so i guess the ow is no longer in the picture. however she does still work with him.

Caren I know I'm only being reactive. I fear stepping on his toes and forcing his hand. I don't know how to arm myself for battle as you said.

It seems as if my hubby truly believes that this shouldn't affect anyone except him and me. I tried to explain what my daughter has told me she feels but he blows it off. He can't get it through his hard head that he hurt her and i can't fix it.