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The selfish answer is, I want to be happy. And that is what I'm struggling with. I fully understand that being happy will cause significant pain to those I love. How do you know you will be "happy" with the OW? How do you know that you wont again be "happy" with your wife? In His arms.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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I am sorry but this makes me feel very sick for you. It really makes me very sick. I hurt for you. you are beliving a horrible lie that will lead to your destruction as a person. If I could jump up and down in front of you waving a red flag screaming NO I would. please No.
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so i dont t/j - starting a new thread
Last edited by dorry; 02/24/06 08:50 PM.
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Hi twisted: I am really, really going to get beat up bad with this post but I had one ****** of a past few days and my insight has probably became warped.
What does your heart say? I say follow your heart. Be a man about it and make the permanant separation from your wife, then follow your heart. Statistics are just numbers and I'm about sick of them. We all need to be happy and only we know what is best for us. You have to be kidding me? So, my wife followed her heart...left me and her kids in order to be "happy?" And that is okay? Of course, we are together now...but when she left her family to be "happy" with the OM, that was okay? Please tell me you are kidding!! I've been fighting the exact same situation you are in right now. My OM and I relate on a level I never, ever related with my H. When I am in my OM's arms, which by the way has not happened very often, I am so comforted and feel calm and at ease. My H and I if I am to be honest have done nothing but fight the entire time we have been married. He is the most depressed, negative person I have ever met. Frowning is his thing. My OM has never frowned as his norm. Not saying I haven't seen him upset but it seems what is upsetting him is me going away permanately, you know what, I am really, really messed up inside right now. I am sick, as in my stomach is so sick I can't eat. NO not over being "in love with OM" but in what I have been thinking and doing. I have made 3 attempts to break it off, again today, I am still hanging in with OM. He doesn't want to let me go. I don't want him to let me go. I am going straight to ******. It is going to hurt, sting really, really, bad. Right now the way I feel, I am headed for a D anyway. He has been headed for a D anyway. We are both waiting for the "kids" to grow up and then we are going to leave. NO we didn't agree on that , this is something the both of us individual were planning to do before we ever met each other! We are miserable with the people we are with and are happy with the person we can't be with.
Follow your heart twisted, go ahead. Just do it right. I guess I am feeling so sick right now over what I have been thinking today because I know I am going to hurt my H the way I am hurting except his hurt will be a lot worse than mine. I am a dog, I am also in love for the first time in my life, what do I do, live the lie I have lived for 15 yrs or start living the truth? Are we not worth the happiness or should we just keep with people who make us miserable.
******, join that big divorce rate, then you take that little 3 percent success rate in A marriages and make it a success. I wouldn't be suprised in the least if you did. this board is about saving marriages. You won't find the response you are looking for to support your A. Of course we are going to get negative comments, this is pro marriage board.
I'm not a cheater, I've been cheated, go ahead say it.
It is possible that we marry the wrong people for the wrong reasons. It is also possible we can be big enough and admit it and fix it. People make mistakes. Just don't live a cheating lie, owe up, get out, and get on.
Sorry guys, just the way I feel tonight. It is not possible we marry the wrong people. Folks, this is a troll from the GloryB people. There is no way anyone of any moral character would feel this way. Shheeesssh! Do it if it feels good. Do whatever it takes to make you happy, no matter who that hurts. What in the heck is this world coming to? You dont have a right to happiness. Happiness is earned. An affair is not earned...it is betrayal at its highest form. If a person wants to cheapen themselves by trying to shortcut to an affair...then they never will find happiness. Never. Not the kind that lasts! So, if this poster is for real (which I seriously doubt...there is just no way someone can be that so far off base morally), then they have to know that they dont deserve happiness. Selfishness is not a virtue!! Folks, we all obviously know that this post can be ignored. It needs to be forwarded to GloryB. In His arms.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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Mortaman, You dont have a right to happiness. Happiness is earned. So well said. When my H left, he said, I cannot sucrafice my happiness. He believed he had the right to be happy. I don't see how he can be happy living with what he has done. Thank you for those words..... Daisy
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No, this post is for real. It just seems that this board only has one view. Delete my membership, I have had enough.
I should not have married the person I married 15 years ago, it was a mistake. Twisted, you have to do what is right for you. I will no longer post here for I feel I am not getting what I need here. I was on the way out of my M before the A, I didn't seek an A out and yes 2 people can find each other and connect in a way they may never have connected with another person before. The world is not perfect. All I have been reading is how wrong I have been for having my feelings and make up with my spouse at all costs even if he has mistreated me for 95 percent of my marriage. I've been emotionally and mentally abused and I guess I just snapped right here on this board tonight. The OM has been neglected on the same level except his W with holds affection and love and does nothing but criticize and make him feel like a stupid person unworthy of love and can never ever do enough to make her happy. NO he didn't tell me this, I just read people very well.
My only crime in this post is speaking what I feel. I had a horrible day today, I am such a horrible person for wanting to be with the OM and I can relate to how Twisted is feeling. Whoops, sorry, didn't support him the old fashioned MB way. I'll show my way out and don't worry, I won't be back. Oh, and I will take my children with me because I would never ever leave them behind with such a nasty, coldhearted miserable spouse! Never will I leave my children behind, I will only try and give them a more secure kinder life with a genuine person who knows kindness.
and the door closes and a very for real post. I won't be back.
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I feel deeply for you and where you are today. It is a constant struggle for me to not sink to the point where you are-giving up. Giving up my integrity. I agree that you can marry the wrong person for you. I did. BUT, we made that choice and could have said "I dont" up until the time we said "I do".
Though my OM and I are both cheaters and my feelings for him are similar to the ones you have, I consider myself lucky. The OM in my life didnt want to be the reason I left my marriage. Actually, he refused to be. He saw the faces of my children and wept at what it would do to them. I say the "love" we shared was real. How do I know that? Because if you love someone you arent going to try to change them in ways that are detrimental to their being. Continuing the relationship made why we cared for each other from the beginning...NULL AND VOID. That's not the fog...we were very clear on our feelings and clearer on what needed to be done.
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Mortar-
Actually, smfry is a poster.....she's been here seeking advice......but what I am seeing here today on this board is ABSOLUTELY FRIGHTENING.
I've never seen 3 WS come together and support each other like this......this is insane.
This is a MARRIAGE BUILDERS board, so you're either here because you want to save your marriage....or you're in the wrong place.
God Bless,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Excuse my language, smfry, but what the **** are you doing on a Marriage Building board where the headline above this very thread says "building marriages to last a lifetime." if you have no intention of doing that or don't want to do that.
Leave your husband, we're not going to stop you. But if you want to learn how to save your marriage, stick around. What do you expect from a board that's in the business of helping people save their marriages?
I'm not giving out any 2x4s. I've been where you are but I won't waste my breath on total fog. It is (like WAT says) like talking to someone who's had their brain stolen.
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Caren
If I'm one of your "3" you misread every word I said. My contact with the OM does not exist. Because you let someone know that their feelings actually exists doesnt mean you agree with what they do with them! People(WS) on this board say "they've been there". I respect that and hope to put information from people like Dorry to use. But THAT TAKES TIME! No ones asking you to say that leaving is okay. I know my A was wrong. Im here because I'm not leaving!!! That doesnt mean I cant show compassion- if youve been there you then you know.
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smfry,
If that is the way you truly feel then what are you doing on a MARRIAGE BUILDERS website...see it right there in the name???
We are here to save our marriages, we made a commitment to Love, Honor, Cherish, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, Till death do you part.
If you do not plan on saving your marriage so be it. That is your choice. Go on doing what you plan on doing, only you will have to live with yourself and what YOU have done.
JE
D-day 5-18-05
35 BS (me)
52 WH
17 DS
15 DD
14 DDs twins
Currently in R.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference" The Serenity Prayer
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cabin
I think it's great you are showing compassion. The problem is you yourself are in the same boat. and while letting them know they aren't alone...and while it feels good to not be alone, sadly for those of us who have been here awhile...and been in ths same spot - like KiwiJ...we know that it doesn't help the cause.
KiwiJ is someone who can really help you out cabin...when she came back to her marriage it was because her OM dumped her. She didn't want to be back there. She felt VERY much like you did - and now here she is 2 years later - HAPPY in her marriage.
It wasn't easy for her at all....and here she is - disgusted at smfry.
It's not a lack of compassion..smfry has been around for a bit and many of us have tried to help her out. but people are right. This is a marriage BUILDING forum...meant for people who want to build the marriage.
And while it may go against what you are feeling and believing in your heart...most of the advice you get here are from people who have BUILT their marriage...People who have succeeded...who started out just like the 3 ws's here...
I think you cabin are like kiwiJ. You dont know what you want but you also dont want to leave...you do want it to work, but you can't see how it could after all these years of trying.
Stick around...maybe even put in a call to the harleys...Marriage Builders works for a reason. Ws's plans doesn't build much but long term pain.
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Cabin-
I can tell I'm ruffling you.....it is not my intention. I just don't think this is the place to show support for something this site is built to fight.
That being said, I absolutely love Dorry and Kiwi and very many of the other FWS's on here. I harbor no ill will just because they made a mistake....we all make mistakes. Lord knows I've made a few.
I'm a BS, that, in itself, is very painful for me. But it really makes me feel good when I see someone who has made a mistake, has realized this mistake and is trying to make amends.
I am here to tell you that I have changed in so many ways in an attempt to save my marriage. I was not the one that chose to go outside the marriage, but I have worked very, very hard on myself in an attempt to be a person who could be supportive of rebuilding my marriage if my husband ever gets to that point.
I actually value a lot of what FWS's have to say.....it gives us all insight that we wouldn't have any other way.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not what anyone has done that I have a problem with......it's what they are doing now.
I'm sorry to lump you into the *WS* catagory.....but it still sounds as if you have feelings for the OM....so I just assumed.
God Bless,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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TwistedT,
Can I make a suggestion? I love the fact that you say your situation with the OW is "unique". Here is my suggestion:
1) Go to a dictionary and look up the word unique. Memorize the definition.
2) Go to the "Search" feature of this forum and do a search on the word "unique". Set a time limit of 1 year.
Count the number of posts. If you truly were unique, you would only get one - maybe two hits because that would jibe with the definition of unique. I got 250 hits in the past 12 months alone. Go back and read some of those posts. Maybe then you will realize just exactly how "unique" your relationship is with the OW. You are quoting from the wayward script. EVERY SINGLE WS THINKS THEIR SITUATION IS UNIQUE!. Now, if you looked up the word "unique" in the dictionary, you would see that there is a bit of a problem with your use of that word. What is it going to take for you to realize that you are falling for the same line as all who have gone before you? You are lying to yourself. Forget about the lies you have told your BW, you are lying to yourself. Every wayward spouse thinks their situation is unique. How is it you all come up to the same conclusion independently? Coincidence? No. Trying to fool self in order to justify stupidity? Yes.
Last edited by traicionado; 02/24/06 10:27 PM.
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No, this post is for real. It just seems that this board only has one view. Delete my membership, I have had enough.
I should not have married the person I married 15 years ago, it was a mistake. Twisted, you have to do what is right for you. I will no longer post here for I feel I am not getting what I need here. I was on the way out of my M before the A, I didn't seek an A out and yes 2 people can find each other and connect in a way they may never have connected with another person before. The world is not perfect. All I have been reading is how wrong I have been for having my feelings and make up with my spouse at all costs even if he has mistreated me for 95 percent of my marriage. I've been emotionally and mentally abused and I guess I just snapped right here on this board tonight. The OM has been neglected on the same level except his W with holds affection and love and does nothing but criticize and make him feel like a stupid person unworthy of love and can never ever do enough to make her happy. NO he didn't tell me this, I just read people very well.
My only crime in this post is speaking what I feel. I had a horrible day today, I am such a horrible person for wanting to be with the OM and I can relate to how Twisted is feeling. Whoops, sorry, didn't support him the old fashioned MB way. I'll show my way out and don't worry, I won't be back. Oh, and I will take my children with me because I would never ever leave them behind with such a nasty, coldhearted miserable spouse! Never will I leave my children behind, I will only try and give them a more secure kinder life with a genuine person who knows kindness.
and the door closes and a very for real post. I won't be back. And teach them thru your actions all of the wrong things. No one ever said that any of the things your husband has done are right. If he were here, I would guarantee he would get the truth also. but you are the one here...and NOTHING he did excuses your worng and immoral behavior. And to continue that and show your kids that that is acceptable...well, nothing more selfish than that. You came to a site that honors marriage. What did you expect? You have proven that you dont honor marriage and really dont have much respect for it. So, there was nothing this site could have done for you anyway. So, good luck...you will need it. If they will do it with you, they WILL do it to you. In His arms.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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Am I to be in the WS category until my feelings for the OM are extinguished? In that case rename me: 4evrW. I am not and have not supported anyones leaving their spouse. Nor have I justified my own mistakes in any way. This is not the place for me right now. Maybe I'll try back down the road.
Thanks for the orientation
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Cabin-
I meant no disrespect...I don't know where the line is between WS and FWS...I really don't. I was simply stating that I assumed you still were a WS.
I'm certainly not the authority on the subject by a long shot.
God Bless,
-Caren
Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.
BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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Well, if you still have feelings for the OP, do you consider yourself a former wayward spouse?
I mean, what do you want to be?
There are lots of FWS on here who have repented and turned in a different direction. Those people are very respected because they have made valiant efforts to change and to rebuild their marriages.
We are all into helping with that cause. However, when someone has been here wanting help, receiving help, and then they in turn tell a new poster to leave their spouse and follow the other person, yeah we take offense at that- go figure.
That is not to sat we won't encourage her and stand beside her if she makes that choice to work on her relationship. If her marriage is so awful, let her get a divorce- there are lots of divorced folks on here that waited until the divorce to start another relationship. Those folks are also encouraged. You can not expect those on a marriage building site to support the view of throwing it all to the wind and walking out to be with their soulmate.
I'm very sorry if my views offend you.
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cabinfever...
OK, I'm a newbie, sort of. And I've been kind of crappy at this whole Plan A thing. And I have days where I feel hopeless and disgusted and I just want to walk away from my WH, and I may do so yet. But I believe one thing. This MB thing... there's something to it. Even if WH and I don't work out, I have learned INVALUABLE lessons from MB that I will carry with me forever. That sounds dramatic, but it is the honest to God truth.
PLEASE don't leave. I am normally not the type to step into such things on message boards, but I have been reading your posts and it has helped me immensely to read what a WS goes through in the first stages of recovery. I see you and I see what I hope my H can become in the near future.
I am sure that there are many of us on here, BSes and WSes alike, who respect and admire your being here at all. I certainly do. When I read about your desire to do what's right above all else... it makes me hopeful and happy.
There is so much to be learned here... we aren't always going to agree, but I entreat you to stay awhile longer.
Me: BW (26)
Him: WH (29)
Our Baby: DD (6 mo)
Married 4 years, together 10 years
College sweethearts
Life fell apart: 9/16/05
Separated since: 11/25/05
D-Day: 12/26/05
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I wonder if Twisted is still around.
If he is I wanted to add something to what he said before.
Twisted, you said you do the flowers and the exotic holidays etc etc. Quite frankly, I've never wanted those things. My favourite possession is the fox key ring my H brought home for me one night because he thought it was cute like me and he knew I'd like it. I LOVE IT. I'd also rather have him sit up in bed with me at 3.00am, listening and telling me I'm doing fine as an office Manager, as I go on AGAIN about my stupid, dumb assistant at work, than have him take me on a cruise.
I think he'd rather get woken with a bj (sorry if that's TMI folks) than go on an exotic holiday as well.
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