"I am content with where things are now and don't have any plans to be together, but no matter what happens I do want to be friends, always."

The above is an excerpt from an e-mail my WW wife sent me yesterday. As you can see I'm in Limbo and have been for nearly 3 years now. I assume the A is still ongoing but I have no proof of that since she moved out in September. I have been doing a semblance of plan A since then. I didn't even know what plan A was then. I've just been trying to be a friend to her...to meet what needs she would allow me to meet. It seemed to be working...we were talking, laughing, enjoying our kids together; but near Valentine's Day she told me she didn't want "ANYTHING" from me. I still did something. My son and a friend were doing singing valentines all over the city. I paid my son and his buddy their going fee to do one for her. I swore my son to secrecy. She probably thinks it was from him. I know it made her happy because she was talking about it to some friends from church who also got one. Yesterday I got the above mentioned e-mail warning me that all we can ever be is 'friends.'

My question is this: How should I respond to this? Do you all think the A is still happening? I read something from Dr. Harley that said 90% of the time when couples separate, it is because the WS wants to make it easier and more convenient to carry on the A.

I feel some trepidation in asking her if she is still seeing the MM (marathon man) because it has been a big LB in the past to ever even talk about him. Do I even need to know the A is still active to expose it? This may seem like a silly question to many of you, but I'm a dufus when it comes to M.
Thanks,
RoT

*Disclaimer*
I'm new at this so take anything I say with salt.

I can't imagine even attempting plan A while being seperated. Even if she agreed to the plan, how would you know how honest she is being?

I also can't imagine being friends with the WS. I told my WW early on that it would be too painful for me to keep her in my life if she was going to continue an A. This was actually a turning point, I think, because she realized that she couldn't just have 2 men catering to her EN.

I might be completely wrong, but my gut feeling is that you shouldn't be meeting her EN if she isn't willing to move back in and work on the M.

RT, you can probably assume that the affair is still ongoing, so you can ask if you want. It is not a lovebuster. A lovebuster is:

Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

Avoiding lovebusters has nothing to do with never saying anything the WS might not like.

As far as being her "friend," the reason she is asking this is so you won't be mad at her for destroying your marriage with her affair. She is asking you to help her hide from the consequences. But ask yourself this, would you choose someone as friend who lied to you and cheated on you?

Hopefull, that is not your idea of a "friend." I would explain to her that you are not her "friend" but her husband. And that if you are looking for "friends" it will not be someone who cheats and lies. Tell her you have no interest in being her "friend" but in being her HUSBAND if she would get rid of the OM.

pwnd, Plan A is something for the betrayed spouse to do ALONE in order to negotiate an end to the affair. It is done all the time while seperated.