I am new here and just seeking advice.

I am not happy in my marriage, haven't been for 4 years at least, and as hard as I work on loving my husband, it seems like it's something I cannot do naturally.

I had an affair 4 years ago and emotional and sexual. I was starved for attention, affection and sex. I ended the A over 2 years ago to work on my marriage. I have had NC ever since. The feelings never really went away for OP, however, I learned to live without him just fine and find happiness in other things in my life. I have furthered my career, I have given my H more time, attention and affection. I am healthy and happy. Except one thing. I am still not in love with my husband. It has nothing to do with OP, it's just that the feelings that I should have as a wife for my husband aren't there. I can go a few months thinking, well this isn't so bad, I can live with this, but pretty soon before I know it, I am lonely, miserable and frustrated. I get so sad because I feel like I'll never be happy. I know it's not about only my happiness, but if I'm not happy in my marriage, it really doesn't allow my husband to be happy either.

My H works very long hours, he isn't all that affectionate, our SF isn't so good. I am very emotional, affectionate, fun-loving, energetic and sexual. My husband thinks work and going home is all that there is in life. I am 35 years old, he is 43, we have no children. I want children, he doesn't. Partially because I can be irresponsible with spending and housework, mostly because he doesn't want children. I do. I fill the void in my life by buying myself things. It backfires because it validates his point that I am irresponsible.
I look in my future and I can't see myself with him forever. Believe it or not I do love him. This is why in the past 2 years all I have done was focus on my M and try to better myself. My husband and I are not compatible. It's nothing that has changed about HIM. He is who he has always been. Smart, loyal, faithful, good-hearted, hard-working. He was always honest about his feelings toward having children. I am the one that has changed. When we married, I didn't want children either, when I turned 30, suddenly I felt differently.

If I didn't care about my husband, I would have left 5 years ago. But I love him. He is a great person, I don't want to hurt him anymore. I don't want to desert him and leave him all alone. I feel that I will sacrifice and settle because of this.

I am not going to have another affair. I just don't have it in me. I learned from my mistake and my husband doesn't deserve that. I respect him too much and we worked too hard together to get past it. I am more mature and realize that was a very poor choice to make and a very destructive lifestyle. My husband deserves better. Just like I think he deserves to be loved 100% and not be married to someone that constantly has doubts about the state of and the future of the marriage.

I am very confused. I don't know if I should stay and pray for a miracle, or if I should leave. I don't want to cheat my husband out of the love he deserves. I just don't know what it will take for me to love him the way he deserves either.

Another note...I am not trying to villify my Husband. He is a GREAT beautiful awesome person.

No. 1 question...

Have you told him everything that you have written here or are you expecting him to have read your mind or catch it because it seems so obvious to you??

If my wife told me what you had written here BEFORE losing those "feelings" (we did have them) and if both are committed to having the best M possible (realistic, powerful word and Hollywood movies aren't real), then you could be in the road to something great.

Share what you have written here with you H and talk through it, get professional help, read books, learn about each other's needs/wants/dreams, etc. Try this and I bet you see changes in the future. Love is a verb!

Oh yes my H knows. We have "the talk" every few months. I don't keep anything from him anymore.

And his comments about something so important are?????????

Well, naturally he loves me. That I have no doubt. He admits that he is who he is and he doesn't see why he should have to change after being who he is all of his life. And I agree. There is NOTHING "wrong" with him. He's just set in his ways. He wants me to be happy. He sees that I am in a lot of pain. He is in a lot of pain as well. It's not easy for either of us. I see how much he loves me, as much as he is capable of loving anyone. He is a very cerebral guy, not putting too much emphasis on emotion. He understands intellect, logic and practicality. He has a hard time understanding emotional needs. His "emotional" needs are really practical needs. Pay the bills, save money, go to work. Go home, sleep, spend time with me. That is the stuff that makes him happy. Time with me means time in the house watching TV. It isn't time for us to do extra-curricular things, go out and have a good time, travel, etc. He isn't interested in that. Me paying my bills on time is an emotional need for him. Understand what I mean? I am not looking for a fantasy marriage, I am not looking for perfection. But I know that I am not happy, no matter how much we work at it, it boils down to the same thing. I am not looking for an excuse to leave him, I just want to know why I should stay. Is loving someone enough?

Have you heard the phrase "It's never too late too learn something new". You husband should want to learn how to better love you and make you feel special because of what you mean to him. The cerebral part of him needs to take a minute, listen to what you are telling him and go and find the tools necessary to become a better husband and meet your needs. On the other hand you should do the same. Do you really know what makes him tick (you think you do by your post above), but do you really. He might surprise you.

M is about sacraficing for the other and if each party is willing to do that no amount of work or learning or changing will be too much because you want the other to be happy and fulfilled. He needs to get to know the real you and what makes you fulfilled and happy and then make efforts to meet those needs. Turn off the TV and plan a trip to Jamaica for just the two of you, turn off the TV and get a bottle of wine and some cheese and play a game together and so on.

Hopeandpray, thanks for your patience and your sound advice. I agree with you and I am not arguing everything you said to build up my defense. A trip to Jamaica would most likely never happen because he hates tropical weather and he doesn't like to travel. Wine? He doesn't drink. Big deal I am sure there are other things that we could do as a couple? Sure if I want to sit home and watch TV or go up to our second house north east of here for a weekend getaway. Not the worst way to spend time with each other, but I often feel that there's gotta be something more.

I know what makes him tick, we've been together 13 years. I really really know him well. And believe me, since the A, I have put all of my effort into planning nights out, sex, vacation, intimacy, and quite frankly, it's usually followed by a huge letdown. What he considers fun and what I consider fun are at opposite ends of the spectrum. This is not news to me that we are so different. I just thought that would be a good thing so we wouldn't get bored of each other. I never dreamed that we would drift so far apart from each other. I ever wanted was to marry him. For years while we were dating, I imagined a dream marriage, us in love forever, a year after we got married, my ideals changed. Who knows why? I think mainly because of seeing people my age with the new house, kids, family vacations, etc. I suddenly wanted the same thing. I know it's not fair for me to cahnge like that. But honestly, because of how much I wanted to marry him in the first place, even if I wanted kids, I probably would have sacrified getting pregnant just to be married to him. Now, I'm 35 and I look at life in a completely different way.
You are only reading my side of things. I am sure you would gain a much different perspective of things from his point of view. I cannot stress enough that we love each other. I cannot stress enough that we h ave been there for each other thru some really really trying times.
I just know that the way things are now are the way things will remain because how many times can we have the same talk only to end up back to square one within a matter of months? It's a cycle. If I thought that we could really truly be happily married, I don't t hink I would be so ambivalent. At this point, my H wants it to work out more than I do. I just don't know if I want to anymore.

It must sound like my husband is the bad guy and I am suffering. This is not the case. My husband is a terrific guy and he would never intentionally hurt me or make me miserable. Again, I can't stress enough that I changed. I am the one that's unhappy, I am the one that is ambivalent. I am the one that doesn't know if the marriage is going to work.

I agree 100% with what hopeandpray just said. The only caveat that I would add is that the issue of children is huge. If you truly want them and he truly does not, you may be at an impasse. A man who just "goes along with" parenthood is unlikely to be a committed father and he may learn to resent the amount time a child would take away from you.

Tell your husband that I just had my first child(we have a step daughter, 9) at 42 and it was the BEST thing I have ever done. I love this baby more than life itself. I was concerned about my age and having a child but not only do I not question it but I am ecstatic over having done it. He should really re-consider. BUT, only after discussing and putting to bed all of the other impasses that exist and are listed in your post. Don't think having a child will fix those. Try and fix those first and then talk about a child because trust me your lives will change dramatically.

bronwyn. yes this one of the things that I am afraid would happen. My husband pulls out so he doesn't get me pregnant. I am not on the pill for health reasons. If he knows I am ovulating he won't come near me. Chances of me getting pregnant are very slim. I can imagine him having a child if he really doesn't want one could be a problem, and justifiably so.

hopeandpray. My husband sees how my face lights up around children (neices, nephews, friends children,etc.), he hears me cry at night when I'm ovulating, and my body is physically going thru the maternal thing. He isn't trying to torture me, and I bring up the child issue regularly, but I don't shove it down his throat. I know that if he looked into his own baby's eyes, he would probably fall in love in an instant and wonder how he couldn't have wanted this. He would be such a good dad. I want children. What happens if he doesn't and when I'm 52 years old, I regret not having them, then it's too late?
If I'm not happy now, what are the chances that it will get better for either one of us by then?

This is how my husband had felt for many years. We also had "the talk". Coming from a batrayed spouse sometimes that doesn't work. It didn't from me sad to say.

This is something that will be hard for me to swallow myself if it comes to this....if you know tat you have been giving your 100% of your marriage then maybe he needs a wake up call. I am NOT saying the D word but something has got to change before your no love turns to hate.

I see that is where my WH was when he had his EA because I just took our talks as words.

You know your husband better than anyone so find a way to get it through to him that the ways things are going isn't going down the good path.

Remember you can force him but you can take care of your self. I wish you the best in all that is to come.