Recovering Sexual Desire
#2948137 - 02/23/06 04:22 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



Help! I am the cheater and have broke it off with my lover last week.. I asked my husband to come home (which he did). It hasn't been easy but he has great patience... my question is: I can't bring myself to have sex with my husband, I don't find him attractive and in a sense I avoid sexual moments with him. However, his hugs are nice. I want to have those sexual feelings for him again like I once had... has anyone had experience with this? Will my desire for him return?

--------------------
SavingGrace

Post Extras:

LovingAnyway
Member


Reged: 11/19/04
Posts: 665
Re: Recovering Sexual Desire [Re: SavingGrace]
#2948200 - 02/23/06 06:11 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



Welcome SG,

Have you read the articles on this site about Emotional Needs (ENs), Lovebusters, the Lovebank? These will give you a good idea about what makes a relationships work, roots of desire and being back in love with your H.

Your H (husband) had seperated from you during your A (affair)? You asked him back home and he returned. That's something to be amazed and grateful for, I would think. In my opinion (IMO), I believe it takes a real man to do that. You broke it off just last week. How do you feel? Did you write a no contact letter?

Your H is loyal, patient and believes in you and your marriage...you don't find that sexy? Boy, I did! What does sexual fulfillment (SF) mean to you...what does it represent? It is an EN, so if you could share that, we can help.

Wayward Spouses (WS) are all different, but mostly the same. Some have immediate SF and lots of it; others feel as you do, and some are inbetween and sporadic.

You don't find your H attractive for many reasons, most of which are things in you, not him. Getting those perceptions cleared up are critical to feeling desire and a willingness to meet your H's ENs.

In my case, SF was acceptance to me, so SF didn't cease, but rather increased during my A. I needed my H to accept me even when I was ripping him open and pouring salt on his heart. He desperately wanted me to accept him and SF was the way he felt intimate and close, all the time, losing me. Anger, resentment and entitlement finally marched in and stomped over both of our sexual desires. Didn't get it back for four months. Then I did, but he didn't...he had begun his own revenge A. He no longer found me attractive--though I had changed a lot, including losing 100 lbs. Think that was a physical reaction or an emotional one?

Yes, I know not wanting sexual moments..for me that was kissing, rubbing, affection of support or intimacy. I wore my anger like a shield, made selfish demands and resented him for a thousand things over the course of our marriage.

What anger or resentment do you hold?

Does desire return? Bigger than before, if you follow the steps to recovery and allow him to deposit in your lovebank. Really works. Lots of recovered marriages here. If you block those deposits, it won't. Unless you change you, you're looking at being a destroyer with no redemption in sight. Since you're here on MB, I believe you're not someone who will refuse to examine yourself or recover your marriage.

What do you think?

LA

--------------------
me FWW - 45
FWH - 44
3 S; 22, 20, 16
FWH - EA/PA 8 weeks
FWH moved back in 10/24/04 &
Committed to M 12/15/04
In Recovery and so grateful for our M

Post Extras:

LovingAnyway
Member


Reged: 11/19/04
Posts: 665
Re: Recovering Sexual Desire [Re: LovingAnyway]
#2948201 - 02/23/06 06:13 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



I forgot to add...it would be better if you moved your post to the Infidelity General Questions II board because it gets the most traffic. Ack. I should have said that first.

Sorry about that. Hope you reply.

LA

--------------------
me FWW - 45
FWH - 44
3 S; 22, 20, 16
FWH - EA/PA 8 weeks
FWH moved back in 10/24/04 &
Committed to M 12/15/04
In Recovery and so grateful for our M

Post Extras:

SavingGrace
Junior Member


Reged: 02/23/06
Posts: 3
Re: Recovering Sexual Desire [Re: LovingAnyway]
#2948756 - 02/24/06 10:54 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



LA,

Thanks so much for your reply. I was desperate yesterday, I really want my marriage to work, to be better than ever. Yes, I've read the articles on EN's, Lovebusters and Lovebanks, I suppose I'm wanting to rush things, it's this period of uncertainty that I don't like. What you've said has helped tremendously... your right... the reason I'm not finding him attractive are things within me and have nothing to do with him. That was an eye opener.

hmm... how do I feel after last week's break off with my lover? Confused and sad but it seems to be getting better... I'm breaking out of the depression or is it that I'm getting over the withdrawl period?

Oh, congrats on the weight loss!!

Saving Grace....

--------------------
SavingGrace

Post Extras:

LovingAnyway
Member


Reged: 11/19/04
Posts: 665
Re: Recovering Sexual Desire [Re: SavingGrace]
#2948835 - 02/24/06 11:35 AM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



In case resentments are what you've identified in yourself in the way of your desire, read this link

Start midway down the page and continue onto page three, because I just saw an answer to your question that accompanies the one I gave you about "will desire ever return?"

Good to know you don't like uncertainty. What is the feeling behind uncertainty that you dislike so much you want to rush ahead and not feel it?

LA

--------------------
me FWW - 45
FWH - 44
3 S; 22, 20, 16
FWH - EA/PA 8 weeks
FWH moved back in 10/24/04 &
Committed to M 12/15/04
In Recovery and so grateful for our M

Post Extras:

SavingGrace
Junior Member


Reged: 02/23/06
Posts: 3
Re: Recovering Sexual Desire [Re: LovingAnyway]
#2949016 - 02/24/06 01:54 PM Edit Reply Quote Quick Reply



LA...

hmm... I didn't see the link you were speaking of... I suppose the feeling behind uncertainty is that I want to desire my H, I don't want to put this effort into reconciling only to find out I don't desire him, that I'm only making it work for the sake of family, friends and for his benefit. Make sense?

Saving Grace.

--------------------
SavingGrace

Welcome to GQII, Grace...

I have to say, you are one imaginative creature! I always wondered if someone would cut and paste the entire thread over here. Way to go. Very cool. I'm impressed.

As far as the link goes...most likely that was my bad!! Doesn't sound like you've identified resentments as the problem...but rather, faith.

How much faith do you have in yourself? I know life has thrown you some big curves...how much do you believe and respect yourself?

That's the first part...second part...why are you going to a future you don't know will exist? What you do now will matter...the future will come. Present. Stay present. You have no control over anything else.

I have to go watch a movie and have pizza with family. I'm so glad you're here.

LA

I think it was davidbigkahuna who said that his FWW did not desire him at all immediately post-A, but now they are in R and doing very well.

Patience. It took some time for your M to get off track, but if each of you is working on meeting ENs, you can start to get those loving feelings back. Consider a few sessions with Steve Harley, he can help with making a plan for you all to get the love back.

You have done the best thing you could by recommitting to your M and ending the A. Be prepared that you may need anti-Ds temporarily to help you through withdrawal.

Seek support and help here...the vets can be such a big help.

Take care.

Hello Saving Grace,

It was indeed me who said my wife had no desire for me when she ended her affair.

She couldn't stand to look at me, wouldn't let me touch her. She was in a bad way with the withdrawal from OM she was going through.

Around 2 weeks after she came home, She pretty much forced herself, with no feelings whatsoever for me, to have sex with me as an act of love. Looking back now and knowing what I have now learnt about all this I understand what that cost her. She did it as an act of love to me even when she didn't feel loving.

Since that time, I am happy to say, as we have met each others emotional needs and avoided love busters, we are truely in love with each other again and the sex we enjoy now is better and more frequent than ever before.

Saving Grace - your feelings are normal right now. If you are committed to your marriage and are committed to meeting each others needs, I really do recomment sex as a way of showing your husband some good faith after what you have done to him. Meet each others needs, the feelings will return.

God Bless you.

Big Kahuna,

Oh my goodness, I am so thankful you posted. To know that another has experienced the same feelings of wanting the marriage to work, yet not having sexual desire for your spouse is a relief. I have basically followed in your wife
s footsteps... I am forcing myself to be intimate with my H. I realize I have to meet his EN's also and provide him with faith that I am committed to making this M work... Not just work - be better than ever.

How long have you been in recovery?

Saving Grace

WS 33- Me
Faithful Hubby - 36

Sons - 16, 15, 6

Married 10 years

Hi Saving Grace,

We have been in recovery since September 2005 - 6 months now. 6 Wonderful months.

But you will have to do more than just have sex with H as I am sure you know. You both need to be meeting each others needs.

For us, I purchased the MB Audio Course and we are working through the lessons.

We have a wonderful marriage now full of love and intimacy.

But please, make sure it isn't just you doing the working. Make sure you both are making steps to recover your love for each other.

Right now - you are doing things as an act of love that you don't feel like. Meet each others needs and sooner than you think you will be doing acts of love because you are in love and you want to.

You are also in withdrawal from your lover at the moment - budget 4 weeks more of that. WHen you are through that, if you both keep meeting needs, you will find things will improve.

Bless you.