Ok This is my first post but have read tons of stuff in here and thank all of you for your indirect help.

I am currently in plan A but need help on deciding when to go to plan b.

I have been in plan A since the end of december and it has been a roller coaster of a ride. I will start with the whole story up to this point and it is very long, so I hope I dont miss anything.

For the last year and a half I have noticed some major changes in my wife's attitude towards me and our 2 kids(DS-6 DD-4) a general disconection. In september of 2005 this intensifided to her starting verbal fights with me for no reason at all. So by the end of nov.2005 I sat her down and asked her what was bothering her. She said "she could not tell me she was not ready" I said b.s. I can not live like this any more I need to know!
So she says "I DO NOT LOVE YOU ANY MORE AND WANT TO LEAVE THE MARRIAGE".(normal fog babble from what I have read) I say wow this is shocking and asked the all important question of IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE? She said "no" I asked her several more times for the next few days and it was no.no.no.no.

So the next week I am still trying to figure out what is up and I am reflecting on the past few months and the only conclusion is there is someone else. I have no proof but I start thinking of ways to find out and I come up with cell phone bill. So I go online to pull it up password is not the normal one we use for most things so I think for about oh 3 sec. and guess it the next try. I know her pretty well. I get to the first page and it has a number I dont know on it, about 40 billion times!

She gets home and I ask her who is ###-###-####? she says it doesnt ring a bell! I say really?(pull out cell bill)She then starts crying and says there is another man.

She calls and tells him I found out and it is over. This lasted about 5 sec. Now that I have read how to survive an affair, I see the book is very right on.

The next week she confesses having an A in nov.04-feb05 with a 16 year old friend of the family and what I mean is the boy is 16 and his parents were friends of ours. I am 31 and so is my wife.

I never knew about this and it ended because his mom found cell bills and came over while I was not there and told my wife she would press charges(class c felony in our state)the boy and my wife told her no sex was involved but wife admitted to me there was.

So on comes the third week of dec.05 I get home from work on a friday and she tells me that I need to get checked for stds because this great OM has given her HSV1 & HSV2. I knew I had it too at this point because in early nov.05 I had a break out and did not know what it was. I told wife about it and she said I should get it checked. I said why are you sleeping around and she said no and I said well neither am I so I am not that worried about.

We were each others first until A#1 and I still have only had one partner.

So this STD thing stopped the A for a little bit again untill he convinced her that he did not know. I think he did but what does it matter, I still think he is a piece of trash.

On to the what I have done about it. I waited about 3 sec. to call her sister and inform her about the A.(she was really pissed) and about 10 sec. to tell her mom(she has been great and is helping me alot). I am really close with her family and I think of them more as my parents than I do of my own parents(another really long story dont se my parents much by choice). I told my cousin that I am close to and she has been really helpful to me. most of her really close friends and relatives I have told and they all cant believe it but do believe me.Oh yeah we also talked to pastor and have been going to MC.

She works at home. OM has no wife, his mom knows because he introduced my wife to her and my wife said his mom did not like the fact that she is married.(that did not stop them)So basically the OM has nothing to lose He works at a trucking company as a mechanic but I dont think his boss really cares what he does because my wife met him too.
If anyone has more ideas on exposing please let me know.
Ihave no contacted OM because I think he would become more agressive in trying to break up our M.

During the last 2 months there have been about 3 NC periods that last about a week and a half. NC letter has not been written yet but I told wife that now she must write or I will asume the A is still on. She keeps saying that she wants it to be over but anwsers the phone when he calls and tells me about it. She is doing the flip flop I want to move out to I want to work on it I dont want to work on it blah blah blah. She says she is willing to change phone numbers home and cell but does not want to write the letter. I told both need to happen or no deal I have not set a deadline for this and she keeps saying she is thinking about it. How long should I let her think about it.

When she said she was moving to her moms I said that is up to you I can not stop you. I then told her that I felt this would be bad because I am not sure I can forgive her for breaking our kids hearts. Is this a bad thing to tell her? It is how I feel and I really think that would be the end of things for us. That was 2 weeks ago she has not talked about it since.

I guess that is enough for now please give me any advise or ask as many questions as you want to get more details to help.

Thanks!

NW, welcome to MB. This is really difficult because in MHO your WW is also a sexual predator because she preyed on a child. The boys parents deserve to know the truth but it is up to you whether to expose that truth or not.

I am very, very sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. Protect your children as much as you can.

NW_TMI,

Ok, this is not your normal affair issue in my mind for a variety of reasons.

1. Your W had sex with a minor.

2. Your W has contracted several STD's, and infected you.

3. You don't know and neither does the boy she had the affair with if she gave him the STD, he NEEDS to be tested NOW. Thus, the boys parents need to be notified. It is truely a shame the Boys mother did NOT tell you of the affair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But, it is coming home to roost because of the STD issue. He needs to be tested.

4. You need to see a lawyer ASAP, to determine what your options are and that would include seeking full custody of the children.

5. Given that you both have this STD, what are you doing to protect your children from contracting it? It can be transmitted in ways other than sex you know, and even if the odds are small, you and your W need to educate yourself on this.

After all of this is DONE. Then consider whether you want to continue this marriage, not just your emotional feelings but consider the children as well. They need their mother, but they don't need to be around a child molester (and technically she is), they don't need to contract an STD, and they don't need to be in a family where the mother is seeing and perhaps going to expose them to the OM who is clearly carrying this STD and clearly is NOT a candidate to be around your children.

Once you have done these things and IF you decide you really should save this marriage inspite of what she is done, there are may tools on this site, and people on this site that will help you. But, it seems to me you have some very very important issues to address NOW before considering saving this marriage.

Please think about this very very carefully.

God Bless,

JL

Okay....I'm confused.....were there 2 affairs?? One with a 16 year old and now with someone older???

God Bless,

-Caren

I am so sorry. This is a lot to bear. My very lonley night that i was complaining about just turned in to a night of praise. I wish I knew what to say to you. I know there are wise people here to help you. Just keep posting and take care of your children and yourself. Plan A is very difficult at times and I admire you for doing it. you are a stronger person than I. I was told to do a least 3 months of a good Plan A.

^bump^ are you still around?

Yes one with a 16 year old over a year ago and now with a man that is 30.

" 3. You don't know and neither does the boy she had the affair with if she gave him the STD, he NEEDS to be tested NOW. Thus, the boys parents need to be notified. It is truely a shame the Boys mother did NOT tell you of the affair. But, it is coming home to roost because of the STD issue. He needs to be tested."

There has been no contact between WW and the boy in over a year and she did not get the std untill oct. of this year so it is impossiable that the boy has it because like i siad in the first post me and WW were each others only sex partners until the 1st A


". You need to see a lawyer ASAP, to determine what your options are and that would include seeking full custody of the children."

I have already seen a lawyer and have been told by him that in our state which is WA that you can be a crack ****** and still get your kids they almost never give the kids to the father that is my main reason for trying to save this M because I sure and the heck do not want my kids around this OM.

"5. Given that you both have this STD, what are you doing to protect your children from contracting it? It can be transmitted in ways other than sex you know, and even if the odds are small, you and your W need to educate yourself on this."

We have studied up on this subject a great deal and are taking al precations to not spread it to anyone including the kids.

Just to preface: My post may be hard to take. It is not meant to hurt but meant to help you face reality. If you can honestly answer these questions, then you will know how to move forward. If you are answering these and other questions with a foggy mind (clouded by a befuddled WS), then you w/b in big trouble sooner or later. So if you feel brave, read on:


U r working with someone who has already proven themselves t/b untrustworthy and u think their thoughts c/b taken at face value?

What guarantee or proof is there that she didn't have contact with the child after she got the STD and why would you think the STD was only contracted recently after the A with the child? Also what chances are there that there are more OMs?

You need to get yourself protected. You must procted your children also. She isn't safe around children, even yours. More than you realize. Let the courts know that if they rule in favor of an adult (who engaged with sex with a minor) having child custody of your children, then the court will be taken to task. Don't explain...there are exposure ways all around you. Raise questions, not accusations.

JMHO,
L.

I believe you have a responsibility to inform the 16 yo parents of what REALLY took place and let the cards fall where they may.

You are harboring a pedophile.

Understand?



Did you tell this lawyer the WHOLE truth? I bet not.

I will not help you restore your marriage while harboring a pedophile. Further, your marriage should not be restored. Get a good lawyer and seek full custody of your kids.

I am really sure the boy does not have the std. I dont want to tell his mom about the std because she is a person who likes to spread the word if you know what i mean. And like I said before they were friends of the family and so on. The parents do know about EA but they dont know about PA as boy and WW both denied it at the time but since then the boy has ran his mouth to some friends and my cousin so who knows who knows what now.

I am not sure what good telling the mom would do now a year later but i would like input on this as I have picked up phone several times and put it back down for some reason I just cant do it and dont see what it will do.

Call Jennifer C @ MB. You need guided advice on exposure. IMHO, you should..... not telling is like trying to hold back the wind. If he is already blabbing....it is just a mastter of when his parents find out and then they may take the martyr role and you will look even worse.

L.

I think you people are correct and I am not sure if I even knew about the boy at the time I talked to the lawyer.
I will contact my lawyer on monday and see what he says about this.
I think I am letting my fear of what things might be like and the way things were before this all came about run my life and it is time to get past that.

No Orchid. He needs guided advice first to obey the law.

He is aware of a crime of pedophilia. Period.

We have NO BUSINESS and are irresponsible ourselves to advise any differently.

This is not a Marriage Builders issue.

WAT

From a parent's perspective - if ANY adult had ANY kind of inappropriate relationship with my child, I would want to know. Put yourself in that mother's shoes. You MUST tell her. She is the only one who has the right to decide what is or isn't important as far as her son is concerned.

WAT-

I agree, this isn't an MB issue.

He should report his wife. I think that we can advise him in other aspects on how to get through all of this with his children and his dignity, but first and foremost, she must be reported. She needs psychiatric help.

God Bless,

-Caren

NW,

What WAT wrote is correct. The pedofile issue is separate from the M and R issues. Your W has put herself and your children in jeporady by having sex with a minor. She has also scarred a teenager for life, even tho' the kid is bragging now.

Get with your lawyer and find out your legal obligations.

If you need IC or MC, there is MB phone counselors or get one in your area who is grounded in solid recovery principals.

I am sorry you and your family are dealing with this. The scary part is of your W is anywhere's close to the same frame of mind, her own thoughts and actions are dangerous to all around her, including herself. She really needs help ASAP.

1st you have to get yourself some support with legal counsel behind you.

take care,
L.

I agree with you all and think that is very sound advise. So I am going to contact the mother in the morning.

What should I do if she does not want to do anything about it? I think she may not just because she did not even tell me that this was taking place when it was happening which lead to my W having another A a year later and me getting a STD from it so I am a little upset that she did not tell me so we could of sought some help back then.

I will let you all know how the phone call goes

Step back..... unfortunately, you don't sound ready for that contact. U want help t/b ready?

Contact your lawyer 1st, see your IC or Jennifer C @ MB B4 you contact his mother.

You will learn that you can't control others, just yourself. If you give the info and they don't react, that's their issue.

The caution is how you do it. Do it in the proper order (laywer, IC 1st).

take care,
L.

If you wife is in jail for statutory rape, it is not likely that the court will grant her custody of your children.

Personally I would expose to the police.