On twisted thread you said


Quote:
It is possible that we marry the wrong people for the wrong reasons. It is also possible we can be big enough and admit it and fix it. People make mistakes. Just don't live a cheating lie, owe up, get out, and get on.



Very possible...but if that's the case why didn't own up, get out and move on BEFORE you met your OM. That would have been acceptable.



Quote:
I'm not a cheater, I've been cheated, go ahead say it.



Because of the above order you did things...you didn't leave first - you may have been cheated, bur sorry hun - you are now ONE BIG CHEATER.

And if even if you and you Om get married...down the road...you may CHEAT again whether you think you would or not. You have it in yourself to do so when you are unhappy in a relationship.

How sad for your future....

Sad, indeed! What an utterly valueless life. One devoid of real happiness, real love. One devoid of virtue, character, and honor. And one definitely devoid of God!

This is the saddest case I have seen in my four years here!

In His arms.

Smfry,
what the heck happened to you??? You came here asking for help to break this off - now you are telling yourself and someone else to just screw it (pun intended) and go for the gusto in a new relationship???

You told us this was all and EA - now you are talking about being in his arms- honey, that makes it physical.

You and this wonderful, fabulous OM can't loive without other. That's going to be so true when a few years down the road you're married to him and oh my oh my, he has found another soulmate- you seriously don't consider yourself his one and only do you?? But wait, by that time, his shine will have faded and you'll be out lookikng for someone else,too.

Maybe you like to have to have your last name put on with velcro. You seriously don't think this is going to last.

After all, he hasn't divorced his wife and you haven't divorced your husband but you are confessing your undying love? Oh please.

I had a lot of hope for you, smfry. I still think that if you put someone else's needs above your own, you might be able to salvage some self respect and your marriage as well.

You need to make a decision that you will stay away from OM. You are a big girl- you can do it.

Smfry, you need to develop a lot of self-discipline and a generous amount of integrity. If you want to be free of your husband, have the courtesy to divorce him first. If your fantasy-life other man loves you so much, you can get with him after your divorce is final.

smfry-

I don't even know what to say, I've been trying to help you...I really have.

You said you felt guilty about this....that you wanted to try to save your marriage.....what's it going to hurt to go NC with the OM??? If you're *soul-mates* won't he wait for you??? The answer to this question is "No....no he won't wait for you." He has a wife and a family too.....you are convenient and you meet his current needs.

Is that enough for you to throw away your whole life??

God Bless,

-Caren

Ok guys. First off, I am leaving the board. I have decided not only that I do not belong here but I just do not want to be married anymore, period. Before the OM walked into my life my marriage was already in trouble. I was already contemplating divorce, I have only stayed so long for the kids. I have no plans of ever, I mean EVER marrying again to anyone.
Longhorn, you are right. My EA was physical in terms of a few hugs during a very troubling time in my life. Ok, beat me up there to. We were just friends. I have no intentions of sleeping with the OM. I have repeately told him this is wrong and I left work with no intentions of ever going back. I made a serious mistake and called him to make sure he understood I was done. He will not let go. He is in my head in the worse way possible. MY H and I are talking about splitting friends for the kids but I do not see him being there for them at all. He is a miserable person.
I have self respect, i have self control, and I do care about all that is involved. How many times does one push one away? OM keeps coming back, there are real tears in OM's eyes. I don't expect anyone to understand this here. This is pro marriage. I guess the only point I tried to make is you do have to follow your heart, if your heart is not in a marriage it is not going to work. People do fall out of love. SOme never were really in love, now right there is no reason to stay married if you are living a big lie!
I am not living a fantasy longhorn, there are real consequences and I have done nothing but play devils avocate, done nothing but speak the truth of what this is and what will become of it. HE WILL NOT LET GO! I really do love him. Am I going to up and marry him? No. Will I allow him to take me to bed? Never. See, self respect.
I just do not belong here anymore. I am getting a D for there no longer is a marriage to build.

<<<<GAG>>>>

There is not a single life that is valueless in God's eyes! We have the opportunity for change up until the time HE calls us home. How sad to say that.

MM was not saying smfry herself is valueless.

He was saying how valueless the life she was choosing to lead is valuless...MM is one of the few people on here who actually makes pretty much all of us feel like we belong. he was the one who helped me see that God had forgiven me. That I was no longer a FWW, but was his sister...I was Christ in Dorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

smfry...

One of the better words that I have read here was by beliver (I think)...

"Marriage is not for the weak".

Yes, your marriage was in trouble way before the A. The A is a bad decision due to the fact that there was trouble in your marriage. Being strong in a marriage means, facing the problems head on, and doing what the vows you spoke said. Before you ever get envolved with another person you stand up to your spouse and tell them what is troubeling you. You make it clear what the issues are, You state it adn if they don't here you, you state it again, you show just how serious you are that CHANGES in the marriage have to take place for it to work. Rome was not build in a day. The same way, you give it time to work, for the changes to take place, and ONLY after you have Seriously TRIED, and no changes occur do you GET Divorced.

You loved your H, that is why You married him. There was somehting special about him. People don't fall out of love just like that. Many times, life takes over and spouses take each other for granted. DOES your H know how you feel? Are you even giving him a chance to change?

Marriage is a special bond and should not be thrown away just cause you don't feel like being there anymore. Ok, you say you have been unhappy. Well, that is partly due to YOU. YOu have not gone and tried to work on this marriage. You accepted this scenario, "stayed for the kids" and then enjoyed the company of another man (EA only). You turn away from your marriage now, and run off with other man, you are taking all the trouble with you. YOu are not leaving it behind. If you turn away from your M now, and even if you do not run off with other man, you still will leave and take all the trouble with you. Even if you do not marry again, it will all follow you. YOU will not be happy, because all the unreasolved issues you got NOW, will come along for the ride with you.

Best,
Daisy

"if this om really cared about me he never would have pressed me into this situation although I know I am fully responsible for my own actions."

Oh, smfry...what happened to this realization?

Following your heart got you into the EA...following your heart will lose your marriage...because your feelings are information about your own beliefs. They change as you change. All that resentment you have piled up...like all of us FWW. The entitlement and lack of respect of ourselves destroy our own marriages.

Replacing someone isn't the answer because you will recreate another relationship the same way...and your little guys, 4 and 6, will see themselves as disposable and fear. They will suspect their girlfriends and wives of not really loving them, unless they are good--very, very good. They will believe anger is the end of love. They may walk out on your grandchildren because they don't want to be married anymore.

Healing from your H's ONS was key to not having an EA yourself. You found MB. You found so many others who have been in your shoes...walking...running. Who knew the pain you are feeling.

You know there's a way to live differently, not to react to life but to really live it. What love is and how it lasts.

Prayers go with you,

LA

smfry-

You know what's right, you do.....I could feel it in your other posts. You are feeling overwhelmed by the OM.....and LA is right, what happened to you thinking that the OM had pressured you???

You know in your heart what the answer is, and as Mortar said to Twisted.....it's not the *easy* choice, but it is very simple.

God Bless,

-Caren

I apologize for misunderstanding MM's pt. of view. Its just that not everyone can deal with some of the ways that things are said. She's having a bad day! I have them, we all do and/or did. Some people need a kick in the pants and others need a helping hand. She needs the hand. I have moments where the answer for me is a D- that I just want to be ALONE-it'd be easier and I'd be happier. It passes, as do my thots of leaving when I feel that I just cant take anymore. Im not saying that you veterans should coddle newbies. But I think a kind reminder to "sleep on it" would go alot further than "go ahead and go".

I'm not denying anyone's feelings. Even though I sounded like I was on Twisted's thread. I've told you, I thought I was going to die from grief.

But it's very, very, very counterproductive to keep hanging on to them. We had a mantra on the "letting go of OM" thread from about 18 months ago - hundreds and hundreds of posts were on that thread if you don't think I've been where you are. It was "the OP is not my concern."

Cabin, we have reached out helping hands to her numerous times, it didn't help. Sometimes the only thing that helps is a strong dose of reality.

Smfry, unfortunately you're going to look back on this time in your life and kick yourself. The statistics on this are made up of tens of thousands of instances of a particular event. The stats say if you go ahead and marry this guy, you only have a 2 to 3% chance of staying married to him at the end of just 5 years. The chances of you staying with him for 10 years are so poor they aren't distinguishable from zero. You are free to do whatever you want, but you need to understand these are some cold, hard facts and stuff these sophomoric, dream world fantasies back in your high school yearbook where they belong.

You're going to wreck your family, smfry. Your children will be forever devastated. If you do what you’re contemplating, your parents will be too...and what about your brothers and sisters, friends, and acquaintances? How about this other guy's family? Do THEY deserve to be shattered too?

And now you say your husband is not a good parent. Well, he was okay for 15 years of marriage before you got into this predicament. Oh, by the way, exactly what kind of role model do you think your children are going to see you as if you go through with this? If you’re thinking you will be some kind of good example if you go through with this, I have news for you, lady.

I thought when you came here, you wanted help. How very sad.

Actually Cabin.........that's a very good point. It wouldn't hurt to tell someone to sleep on it and see how they feel in the morning. I agree with you there.

I am sorry if I come off as harsh, I'm really trying to help.

God Bless,

-Caren

Thanks! I dont think for a moment that those who spend their time here are doing so for any other reason than to uplift others. Your experiences and advice are beneficial. I know that because of how emotionally up and down I am at this stage-in-the-game that there are days when I just cant see straight thru the tears. But, like I said on the other thread (T) because the emotion exists (I do not discount my emotions and never will) doesnt mean that I have the right to indulge it. If smfry's OM really "loved" her he would not ask her to be the kind of person that none of us really wants to be.

So what?! Do you all keep count? I guarantee she knows ALL the statistics that have been thrown her way. Our country thrives on the divorce rate conversation. I've had reality checks from people-they are why Im still M. But never have I had it done like some of these posts.

Cabin? I am confused by your last post.

I just don't understand who you are answering. LOL

God Bless,

-Caren