Gonna share some of my thoughts. I see a lot of pain on this board and frankly, some of it c/b avoided IF you remember who and what u r dealing with when it comes to the WS.

Below are a couple of posts I made. I am posting it here in an attempt to help some of you see that when you plan A a WS, it often backfires. Why? Because you are doing it with the plan to win back the WS. Now that's impossible. Why? Because you should NOT want the WS back in your family. A WS is not capable of fitting in with a family. The WS attitude, character, mentality and lifestyle reveal by their own choices that they are anti-family.

Give then above, why would anyone want a WS in their family? Because you think your spouse or parent will come with him/her? Hm..... take a look at all the false recoveries (mine included)..... Only when I refused to let the WS back into my home did the operation to bring back my spouse begin.

Remember, plan A is to help the BS take stock of themselves and make changes. The WS may or may not take note. Plan A still goes on. Why? It is for the BS not the WS.

Plan B is again for the BS to remove themselves from the chaos of the A. It is for the BS and family, NOT for the WS. Why? The WS may or may not take note.....plan B still moves on.

Now here are my thoughts I posted earlier today:


[color:"red"]As posted to RC - Here's rule of thumb that I use:

Know the WS will use everything and anyone as a shield to protect their WS mentality and lifestyle. They will even put your H and his status as a parent along with your own chldren to protect the WS creature.

Realize this and when he moves that way...... expose. Exposure methods could include reverse babble.

When mine tried to do this, I would look at him and tell him he is babbling. That the convo will end until he can speak in a sensible manner.

You have to acknowledge the creature within and NOT try to pretend he is your H. [/color]



[color:"blue"] As posted to Starman - Remember: NEVER proctect or cover for a WS. Protect and love your W and the children's mother but remember the WS will use your w and children's mother as a shield to allow her t/b a WS. Don't fall for that ploy.
[/color]


Hope this helps or at the very least, lessen some of the pain that is already being shot your way. Learn to deflect. BS can also mean: Be smart. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Orchid,

Wonderful post. Sometimes we tend to forget we are dealing with someone who is not rational or our real spouse.

As I said a few weeks back, it took my last conversation with my WH to really see the WS in him. The WS was in full force that day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The dead eyes and the babble was so evident.

So now since then I have been able to not let anything he says or does really affect me. Not that I see him or speak to him I just know what happens regarding the kids.

I don't know or like this person he is now and until I can see the real H I have no desire to see or speak to him. I am preparing myself for the mediation onf friday and I know babble will be spoken. I have played this in my head a million times so I can be ready to babble back.

In fact the one babble statement that keeps running through my head is one of your statements.

" Can you do me a favor?" Do you think you could go an find my real H and when you do I would like to talk to him."

I know thats not exactlly how you said it, I will have to go a find the exact words but its something that keep playing in my head over and over....

I will be honest here because I don't plan on having a discussion with the WS during this mediation. I will listen and thats about it. The mediation can be stopped at any point by either of us. I plan on hearing him out and pretty much saying that statement to him and leaving. No sense and sitting there for hours talking to an insane person. We won't get anywhere because neither of us are going to give.

So my plan is to babble back and move on. Thats why I keep playing this in my head so I c an be prepared...

Yup definatley not dealing with a real person here just a shell of a person with no soul.... I now know this....


Hurting

Hi H-n-OK,

Quite proud of your progress. It is hard to get to see things as they really are. Knowing the WS will use even our children to shield the A, is sad. It does tend to bring out the protective parent spirit in us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Your babble sentence was basically what I said to my then WS. Idiots. LOL!!! Through 'em some RB whallop when they least expect it.

Let your children express to him how disappointed they are in him. Help them learn how to speak to the WS vs their father. They needs those skills also. Is it disrespectful? It certainly could look like it but giving respect to a WS is like spitting in the wind, so teach your children what is allowable and not. That is where they will need your help. Then let them know those RB skills don't work on a BS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

orchid,

your right it won't work on me. I was proud of my son and dil. DIL especially she pretty much told him how she felt. Another great thing is when he asked her about me she would say mom is doing great and that she is doing things for herself and not worrying over this anymore. She said he kinda got a look on his face like it shocked him and said oh, ok.

A friend of mine seems to feel he is getting scared now because he feels me moving on. So now he is saying things to get a rise out of me and see if I will start crying and begging again. It ain't gonna happen thats for sure. I am done crying over this. I am moving ahead and what ever happens , happens.

YDS seems to be the one who stands up to WH more than the rest. But DIL and ODS made it clear to him they don't approve and don't like the OW. They bursted his bubble when they refused to come to OW'S apt. and would not speak to her. They saw the WS compared to the real dad and they didn't like it one bit. They told him he had changed and didn't liie the new him but loved the old dad. Not sure how he took all of this but I would say he didin't like it.
So they did well.

Hurting

Your example is showing others how it can be done...... treating the WS separate from your real spouse/parent.

Good job. Glad your son and family are supportive. The A is just a bubble waiting t/b popped. LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

I'm trying Orchid really hard to treat the WS/S as two totally diffrent people. Sometimes its hard but it is what has to be done.

The kids are getting it now as well. Took awhile for them but they are starting to see the difference between the two.

I think its so much easier to think of the WS as person you just met on the street and have no connection with. Much easier to handle and babble back to. I always think in my mind now this is just someone who kinda looks like my husband, wow isn't that a strange. So of course thinking like this keeps from having any sentimental or relationship talk with this person because you don't talk to strangers you met on the street about your personal life.

So this is my way of handleing it now. He is just a man I see walking down the street I don't know.


Hurting

Hurting...WOW!! You have come so far. Emotionally detached, happy and moving forward. Hopfully, your real H will show his face before he loses such a wonderful woman. You reconcile your M or divorce the WS, either way, you win <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Your kids are great. Wish more families and friends of BS here would let the WS feel the consequences of their actions.

Serene,

Thanks. I have come far thats for sure. I think back even as little as two months ago and i was still desperate and was willing to do whatever to have him back.

I have moved passed that now. Yup I still want the marriage but it would take a lot of work from him now. I mean true repentance and remorse. I don't see that coming any time soon if ever.

These are his choices not mine. But its my choice to move on and be happy and thats what I am doing. I do believe one day he will see just what he has given up for a fantasy and I sure would not want to be waking in his shoes when reality hits.


Hurting

Orchid-

Thanks for the post....I guess I've never thought about it quite like that. That the WS uses your husband/wife as a shield to continue their WS behavior.

It reminds me of Men In Black, when the alien comes down and wears the "Edgar Suit".....it's an alien, but it sorta looks like the man it used to be...lol.

God Bless,

-Caren

Perfect analogy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Loved the "Edgar suit"--LOL.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Yeah the "Edgar Suit" was great <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

-Caren