D-day today.

Working things through with WW all night and all day. One thing I could use help with at this stage: How do I erase, or otherwise deal with, mental images I have of the A from my mind when I am with my spouse? I know it will partly take just plain time, but any views on what I can do to hasten the process.

BTW, what I find more disturbing than the details of the A itself which WW provided to me (reluctantly but very likely fully, when I asked her), was the e-mail that I discovered that gave it away - a graphic erotic e-mail from her to OM.

The shock of the confirmation of the A combined with the graphic description has left an impression I am finding difficult to keep out of my mind. Which is a problem in terms of our taking next steps and my general state of agitation, if I can put it that way.

Any suggestions about how to get it out of my mind?

SO sorry you have to deal with this. You are right that the best thing will be time.

May I suggest counseling? They can give you more specialized help.

One thing that I do, is to make an effort to turn my mind to somethiing else. we have been trying to make new memories. I try to change the thought of them to a thought about us. Sometimes I draw on those really old pre-A memories sometimes on the new ones we are making.

Hang in there

I'm so sorry this happened. I thought she was cheating, but there is no preparing for that kind of thing. The images will fade with time. There is no easy way to get over this.

Learned a great deal visiting this site (which WW has also visited a few times now), it really helped me "keep it together" yesterday and helped me formulate a plan to move forward.

WW offered NC without my even asking but wants to do it by phone tomorrow. OM is an old family friend/boyfriend from long before my meeting WW with whom she had "unresolved feelings" (I don't want to get too into her fog - she even acknowledges it doesn't make any sense). They had a week long PA when she was out of town visiting his terminally-ill sister. It has continued as an ongoing EA and some sort of cyber PA (we are in North America, he is in Europe), possibly waning with time (so she says, so I would like to believe, but of course I am not her most trusting friend right now).

My gut was bang-on about when it happened and even the identity of the guy - I always knew that if I was right about an A, it was him.

She has agreed to NC. In fact she offered it without my asking and gave all the right reasons for it without my prompting her - the A is toxic to our family and must end, my children and I are the priority, NC is part of the price she had to pay b/c she screwed up (she knows it has to be for life), etc.

She wants to do it by telphone tomorrow. I would rather she do it by way of e-mail in the manner suggested by Harney. I think a telephone call is fraught with too much danger of one person or the other trying to negotiate some kind of compromise and this toxic A continuing on some level. There is also the matter of putting my own doubts to rest about whether she truly has ended the A forever.

I have told her what I think, and I have read to her what Harney says about the contents of an NC letter.

What do you guys think? Should I stick to my guns? Should I trust her to do it her way, given the fact that this person goes way back in her life? By the way, my "gut" tells me that she probably will tell him (a) "NC forever" as well as (b) that she will always love him and will miss him. My gut also tells me that NC is likely to take given despite the risks associated with an expression of (b)?

In these circumstances, does it matter how she does it?

Please come forward with both points of view, if possible.

I hope you will be listening to the phone call. And that she converses with him without the OM knowing you are hearing the conversation. This way you can get a good feel for the quality of the NC being asked for. Just a thought.

You should never call to do NC. It should always be done by letter by her.

Calling him is contact and it may just reconnect them and make the feelings there again. Also you can't be sure that she is really saying what she feels, but what you want to hear if done by phone.

A NC letter is the only way this should be done. There are plenty of examples on this website for great Plan B letters.

HINY

NC done by a short email which she wrote with my input. We will be doing counselling.

I am very afraid. If it turns out that the NC is not real or doesn't stick, I know that won't be as strong as I was this weekend, as it would seriously erode my level of commitment, which right now is as strong as the day we were married, if not stronger, given the kidsand our long and mostly wonderful history.

I suppose that fear is natural, right?

yes and very realistic really. You have every right to feel fear, anxiety, sadness, curiousity and a whole bucket full of emotions. I am glad NC was done by letter way instead of by phone. Now NC means NC. No phone calls, no emails nothing ever again. She must understand this. It may be hard for her at first.

Read everything you can on this site and get the books. You can get them at used books stores even.

Good Luck to you.

HINY