I am probably the LAST person you guys want to read a post from. I was very hesitant to come here tonight, then read my "smfry" thread started by Dorry and thought I owe them the least an apology, then they can kick me off of the board.
What Happened?
Yes I had a very, very, bad day and it all started MONDAY. Yesterday was just he icing on the cake. H topped it by being impossible but I guess I deserve it.
OM WILL NOT LET ME GO! Plain and simple and I still need to feed my kids so I can't just quit, especially since I live out in the middle of nowhere, hence why my job search has been a challenge. I haven't stopped looking and applying. I was preparing to not go back to work, did not work since MOnday when on Fri I decided to explain the why and please just let me go phone call I placed to OM. Half hour later and a lot weaker I returned to work. Thought I will quit the right way, can't burn a good job reference when I was confronted by OM. I'm not getting into the detailed conversation but He won't leave me alone. He has a good way of getting inside of my mind and says the right things. You guys who have been here know what I'm saying, ok, maybe not. H knows about every phone call since Monday with OM. Sickening when I'm on the phone with my best friend, same sex, easy guys for 2 hours and he states it was OM when I hung up. I earned that punch, no problem.
I am very sick over this mess, physically sickened. I am casing out the OM's W, getting the feel of what she is like for maybe I just need to have a girl to girl talk. As long as she doesn't hit I'll be ok, again, I deserve what is thrown at me. Yesterday I hated the world. Want to throw God into this, ok, I know I'm in big trouble when it comes to him. If this were a PA I would have locked myself up in an instituition where they take your silverware away and replace it with spoons. I am struggling badly here. I am trying to do the right thing. Yesterday I didn't want to be with anyone. I love my H, I'm not in love with him. Will I divorce, come on guys, would I even be posting here if I was really headed in that direction. I'm sure there are support groups and boards for that issue where I can frequent and find plenty of cheaters and support. Bad day, Very confused, want to just be alone, yes I slept on it. Woke up and thought, I'm an IDIOT! Now I'm apologizing. You are not wasting your time on me, I'm just having a lot of mental stuff going on and when I read Twisted's thread I related to it, wrong way, yes. That's why people should keep there issues in their own posts. Twisted, I'm sorry for raining on your thread. I just wanted to say, I know how you feel and at that point I should have left it alone.
I'm sorry to all I have offended. And no, tonight I am not mad at H, I nursing him back to health. He is very sick and I am very concerned. I don't know what to worry more about his illness(flu) or the stuff his fever is making him say which he probably would keep inside otherwise.
Thanks for listening, and I really am sorry.

If you work with the OM and want him to leave you alone, go to HR where you work and claim sexual harassment. I can assure you he will never bother you again. It will never see a lawyer's office. I have seen this exact same thing before where two people were dating and living together in a place I used to work. They broke up and fought. She went to HR claiming sexual harassment and he was gone before the day was done. He sued for wrongful dismissal. The company chose that battle over SH and always will because the amount of damages are far less, if awarded. It was a simple business decision.

I don't want to start any arguments. I hope you decide to stay around. We can all learn from each other.

If you owe anyone an apology, it would be TwistedT. You owe the rest of us nothing.

((((Smfry)))) Thanks for coming back. I was really worried about you. This is more the Smfry I was hoping we were all getting through to.

Ok, girl, quit sizing up the OM's Wife and just call her and tell her. Tell her he is coming on to you and you want her to put a stop to it.

First thing Monday morning, go in and talk to your boss. Tell them that the OM is coming on to you. Tell them you have asked him to stop and he is not. Tell them you are wanting to start the proceedings to file for sexual harrassment.

I am certain the company will not want that to happen so they will hopefully help you to get this stopped.

Loving is a choice, Smfry. When my husband confessed when I confronted him, believe me I was not in love with him at that point. That is not the case any more. I am in love with him. I think deep down you know that being in love with your husband is up to you.

I'm sorry we all came down so hard on you, but I hope you know it was done out of concern for you and your marriage.

Hang in there, girl. I'm proud of you for facing this head on.

TWISTED< I really am sorry.

Ok, I know how the sexual harrasment works Traic, but the OM has a family and a W who didn't ask for any of this. I accepted his attention, I should have stopped it long ago before it went too far, then I file sexual harrassment. Easy to do but I am responsible for this continued contact to this point. I have put myself into his W's position and I can almost bet she doesn't even suspect. Not fair to her or her kids. I need to leave and leaving isn't as easy, not that staying is helping.

You are responsible for the continued contact. You are also responsible for stopping it. Just a choice you have to make. If you don't expose, you know your H would be advised to. How can you protect the OMW from this? It is not entirely in your control. This is no criticism - just an observation.

Thanks for the well deserved kick in the pants Move. Smfry~icing her butt!
Traic, your right, I'm not in complete control of this any longer. I can only control my part. Maybe I should warn OM that I will go with the Sex. Har. thought if he choses to not stop when I have asked him to. He doesn't stop, he chooses the fall out. I know this is a bad comment, I just don't want the OMW to hurt if she doesn't have to. Then, he'll just find someone else and start all over why shouldn't she know.

Smfry-

I'm glad you're back, and you don't have to apologize, all we want is for you to try. We're here to help.

Of course you aren't going to be kicked off of this board, you're allowed to have opinions....we don't have to like them, but you're certainly allowed to have them LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think that the other posters are right, you should go to your supervisor with this and also tell OM's wife. That ought to cool him off considerably.

Good Luck hon, and I hope your husband starts feeling better. Give him plenty of fluids, tylenol and TLC.

God Bless,

-Caren

I say don't warn the OM. Just go straight to the supervisor and his wife.

If you are not on Anti-Ds, I would strongly encourage you to make an appt with your MD ASAP. Harley states it can help you through the worst of withdrawal.

You are here. That is step one. We are here and will support you. Expose to his wife and end contact with him. Your M is more important than a job.

Welcome back, Smfry. Don't get into those moods and let them build into something unmanageable, okay? Come here and vent, if nothing else.

I think you must go to your supervisor and make the complaint against the other man. I think you can tell him/her the OM is bothering you, that you don't want to file a sexual harrassment suit at this time, but you certainly will if your supervisor won't do anything. Make certain that comes through loud and clear.

When you go to work Monday morning, ask your supervisor for an immediate meeting. If you can, perhaps call your supervisor this weekend and set up an meeting first thing Monday morning.

Smfry, take your husband with you to that meeting! That will send a VERY important message to HIM and to your supervisor. You will be a united front.

Once you do that, make sure his wife knows about this. She deserves the right to correct the problems in her marriage, just as you have the right to take care of yours.

Don't be a stranger here, smfry. You've gotten into the habit of posting and then going away for a long time. Stay with us. We'll be more than happy to support you while you work your way through this. Hang in there, Lady.

I agree with telling your supervisor and his wife.

You'll be doing his wife a favor. She'll have the information she needs to either put a stop to his shenanigans or kick him out. She is entitled to know the truth about her life, so she can decides what she wants to do with it.

Whether you threaten a suit or simply say that you will pursue it if no action is taken, I would most definitely make sure you work the words "sexual harassment" into the conversation. That will get attention. I would still go directly to HR rather than go to the supervisor. The supervisor may not be properly trained to deal with this kind of situation and he could stuff it up if he is incompetent. HR is usually better trained to deal with this and much less likely to make a mistake. Just my opinion.

Even if you have been a willing participant up to this point and even if you feel partly responsible, once you have told the OM to back off and he refuses, it is harassment plain and simple. You always have the right to say "no".There is not much burden of proof on you. These cases almost invariably fall in favor of the woman. If you have any evidence to support your claim that you have asked to be left alone (email, etc.) keep it with you. Even if you don't, nobody wants to risk a court case with large potential damages. It is far easier and much cheaper to just fire the OM outright.

This will never grow into anything more. No company wants to face this kind of risk. Nobody is irreplaceable and they can get a replacement for OM in a heartbeat. If you do go to HR, you will also protect your employment. There is no way they would consider dismissing you over this and will be scared to touch you for at least a year and, by then, will have forgotten all about it.

I agree that the OMW will be better off knowing. If nothing else, if allowed to continue the OM places her at risk of STD's because you never know who he will go after next. Trust me. I got one from WW's affair. I wish I had been given the option.

I appreciate the fact that you are concerned about the OMW and his family. People get hurt from affairs. There is no way to avoid that. By trying to protect the OMW's feelings, you are putting her at far greater risk in the future.

When you expose this at work (and I have no idea where you work), you are likely to make some enemies. People just like to take sides in things like these. You will also make a few new friends. It is better to ruffle a few feathers of your coworkers than to destroy two families.

You guys are right. I am already nerved up for my Monday. In all I just hope he doesn't occupy the same living space as I tomorrow. Don't know how long it will take for me to get in to HR. My supers I think will flip and take it very seriously. I tried quiting once over this and they wouldn't let me, they didn't know why I was quiting, wish I would have opened up then. I know for a fact this will be the news of the week at work, although these things are supposed to be confidential it will spread like wildfire. I encouraged a guy to file SH on a woman who kept grabbing him in all the wrong places and by the end of the day because he was a male and considering who was doing the harassment it was the top news/joke of the day. Everyone did side with the victim on that one.
My case is going to be very different. We are both well liked and well....I need to stop getting cold feet here. Maybe the less I think about this today the more I will stick to this advice tomorrow.
Serene, the antil D's sound like a great idea. Don't know if the dr. will be willing to give them to me but it will be worth a try. Play with fire and you do get burned, healing those burn wounds are very painful. Learned a very valueable lesson in all of this and I will not repeat. I will be keeping all married men at arms distance from here on out and if I do D in the end they will never be an open option.

Hi Smfry,

I'm usually a lurker here, but I so know where you are right now that I felt compelled to write and offer advice... I understand how things are so confusing and painful right now!

I am a FWW and my DDay was Sept. 13, 2005. I confessed to my H because I ended my 3 year relationship with OM in June. Like your OM, mine would not leave me alone and I continued to talk to him if he pursued me long and hard enough. I got to the point of feeling suicidal as I wanted to work things out with my H but since I kept talking to OM, my efforts were pointless as my emotions were all over the place. I told my H because I was sick of living a lie, he didn't deserve my selfish behavior and I needed to take control of my life. My loving H astonishingly wanted to work things out, we went into MC, and he became my biggest ally in staying away from OM, who continued to pursue me (and still does to this day... more on that later.)

Smfry, this is what you need to do to start feeling normal again... STAY AWAY from OM. I know it's said repeatedly on this site, but it's so true... OM is a drug. You are addicted, and the fog is "junkie thinking." It wasn't until I stopped talking to OM completely that I started to feel like a normal person again. It was hard... lots of ups and downs... but I am in such a better place now, and I never would have believed it five months ago. Even after I confessed to H, I was completely empty.... I felt like a hollow shell... I wanted to work on my M, but I continued to respond to OM when he found me (I had changed my cell and email, but he knew my schedule and would "bump into me" here and there.) Things would be going well until I talked to OM because I felt bad, guilty, still cared for him, etc. and then I would come home and not want to be M, feel confused, hate myself, hate my M, until I changed my schedule and my responses to OM (which became ignoring, sternly saying "I am M and as long as I'm M I will not disrespect my H and my M by talking to you" and walking away). I went four months without talking to OM and things became WONDERFUL... I went on AD's (I highly recommend doing this), continued IC (also highly recommended) and MC with H (we were actually just dismissed last week because our MC thought we were doing so well!) I now feel normal, even-keeled and more happy in my M and life than I've ever been. I'm still very early in recovery, but I know the success I'm feeling is due to the support of my wonderful H who is aware of EVERYTHING, my ADs, my own individual IC work and NO CONTACT... complete withdrawl from my drug, OM.

As I said before, OM continues to pursue me. It's not because he loves me, it's because he is addicted. He cornered me six weeks ago, completely by surprise. I talked to him for five minutes and after contact I was completely depressed for two weeks. Not because I missed him or loved him, but because he is a drug and after a small "taste" I went into withdrawl again. I use to smoke and the feelings are EXACTLY the same as when I quit and cheated with one cigarette several months after being happily nicotine free. That one little "fix" messes with your mind and your spirit... learn about addiction, triggers, and how to respond to them... you will feel so much happier and normal!

I continue to see OM around town, waiting in parking lots and plazas for a "glimpse" of me. I vary my routes on a regular basis but I still see him sitting there at least once a week. It's not because I am the love of his life, Smfry. It's because he is an addict. It's very sad. At least I've learned to expect it, and don't have the emotional reaction I once did. Now I see him and think, "there he is." I feel very sad for his poor W and family, who don't know. Telling his W is something I'm currently struggling with at this moment.

I know this is very long but I just wanted to say I know what your going through and I am thinking of you. My advice to you is to tell your H (when your ready... the good folks on this board told me over and over to confess, but it took me a while to be ready... they were so right), go on ADs, and NO CONTACT with OM. You will start feeling like your old self again, please believe me. And once you tell your H, work on your M, even if you feel rotten. It will get better, I promise. Things look bleak now, but that's because OM is in your life, fogging your world up.

I send lots of love, hope and prayers your way. (((Hugs Smfry!)))

Wow, Katie, that's just how I've been feeling. Suicidal? Been there, it's crazy. When I say I feel so sick over this all, I mean, depressed, thinking very lowly of myself, suicidal? Yup. Your OM sounds just like mine, I really don't think just filing A SH suit against him will permanately remove him from my existance. He has said things like, "i know where you live", has popped up where I never imagined he would, thought never even crossed my mind. Then I think when does this become an obssession/stalking issue? I hate the way he gets inside of my head. If I can keep him out for awhile I'm pretty strong, then in an instant with a simple moment in time with him standing right there, talking to me~touching me, I'm done. But this has turned into something different where yes it felt great to a heavy guilty feeling with very deep upsetting sick emotions inside, the depression, when we encounter each other. I'm thinking is it just me, doesn't he have the same feelings or is he still head over heels crazy? I'm ok when I am home and away from it, it's when Monday approaches and every day after til my weekend I get very nervous, sick feeling, I don't want to go to work anymore.

Thanks for the hugs, I sure need them. The support and honesty here is great.

I'm glad what I said helped!

I don't usually disagree with what folks recommend here, but I really don't think filing a SH complaint against the OM is really going to help you. What will help you is to make a self-loving decision about what you want for your life and stick to that decision... stop following your emotions and start listening to your brain... listen to logic, no matter what. It took me a while to get to that place... I fence sat for a long time. My brain told me I was wrong, my heart even told me I was wrong, but I kept talking to OM and my emotions overruled everything. I applaud you for coming here... it's hard, you get beat up, and you're not always ready to take the next step, but you will get there.

I think leaving your job would be better for you than filing a complaint. Once you feel it is an absolute necessity to find employment elsewhere, you are on your way towards reconnecting with your old self and confessing to your husband. When you are ready, you will do it...

OM is stalking you, by the way. He may not be dangerous, but that's what he is doing, just like my OM is stalking me. I really believe if you filed a SH complaint against him, it wouldn't stop his behavior. He would still "love" you and want to be with you (aka get his fix.) Believe me, after my OM knew my husband knew and I told him to stay away, he didn't stop trying to talk to me. In fact, he became more desperate because he knew I was finally serious. A's are disrespectful therefore there is little respect that actually occurs between the two A partners.

I understand what you're saying about the weekend thing... it makes me so sad to hear all of this, it's all so familiar. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hey Girl,
you are still sounding good. I agree you might want to talk to the doctor about AD's. Be honest and tell him why.

I believe that you have it in you to walk in there and tell your supervisor and HR. I also believe you have it in you to tell his wife.

I believe this because you braved ALL of us when you posted on Twisted's post. You knew the reaction was going to be BAD. That really took guts.

I believe in you. We'll be looking for an update tomorrow night.

Katie-

I think it would be best for her to get another job too....but she says she lives in a kind of rural area, so it's hard to find one.

I think that the SH threat and telling OMW might just do the trick.

Maybe OM can be transferred or something.

I think that it would, of course, ultimately be better for her to quit.

Smfry-

Have you talked to your husband about needing to quit your job?? Have you told him it's just too hard to keep going in there and facing him everyday??

God Bless,

-Caren

Excellent, smfry. I'm sorry your husband is so sick. If you could sit with him, holding hands in front of your supervisor's desk while you explain to your supervisor what you need to happen...well, you'd score more points in your husband's heart than you can possibly imagine.

Since you can't, sit with him tomorrow evening and give him chapter and verse on what was discussed and what happened. I don't know why, but I sense you two have closed off each other for some time. This is a golden opportunity to be completely transparent with him. Start chipping away at that wall between you.

Stay with us, smfry. Come back tomorrow night and let us know how things went, okay?

First I want to thank you for this thread and the one Dorry started for you. Somehow reading others struggles (including Cabin Fever's posts) to let go of OM has put my situation in perspective.

I never thought I would get involved in an online affair with a former classmate (he is unmarried) but I did. It started so innocent, husband knew of our emailing but then it advanced to personal talk and many emails each day.

I wonder if others are like me, in that they want out but do not know how to do it. We are so addicted that we don't know how to get out; we don't want to hurt this person we have become friends with.

Well, anyway, I wrote that 'Good Bye letter' yesterday. I worded it like was recommended. It sure seemed 'cold' but had to be done; I had to let him know my marriage comes first. I am sure he wonders WHY NOW? (I suggested he find a lady that isn't married and doesn't live a thousand miles away to share his life with.)

SMFRY, you can do it too...JUST DO IT. Have your husband help if you can't do it alone.
I can tell you care about this OM but I also can tell that YOU WANT OUT.