I ended contact with the OM (for 2nd time) in November 05. My A started after several years of unhappiness in my M. I don't know if I adequately explained my unhappiness to my H, but nontheless I was very unhappy.

I have felt that I have lacked the emotional connection with my H that is necessary for a happy marriage - and have been lacking that for several years (before the A).

We have been in MC for several months. Until recently, I have not committed to working on the M. I just don't see how we can find that connection. Also, I don't really think that my H will be able to get over the A. However, I have made the comittment.

My job requires me to be gone frequently and that makes working on the M a challenge. My H still does not feel safe. I have changed my personal cell phone #, he has the ability to check the bill, changed the home number, he has software installed on my computer to track any possible contact. I plan to have my office chage my work cell number and relase the account access to me so that he can monitor it as well.

While my H has made many great changes (no more LBs, working on ENs), I can't seem to find a way to reconnect. Having the A was disrespectful, but I have a great deal of respect and admiration for my H. He is a great person, a great friend. I think I stayed married to him because I didn't want to lose that friendship-and still don't.

FINALLY A QUESTION...
Has anyone else had these feelings and thoughts? I appreciate any input.

No thoughts or advice... but I do want to welcome you to MB.

Margie-

I am a BS, so I can't help you with this particular question, but I wanted to let you know that it's GREAT that you decided to work on your marriage and are working so hard for *No Contact* with OM and trying to make your H feel safe.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things.

The *in love* feeling that you feel your missing is a chemical thing. It's something you felt with the OM because things were new and exciting. That feeling gets replaced by mature love after you've been married for a while.

Love is a choice, it's not a butterflies in your stomach, mooning over someone thing....that's the chemicals.

Hopefully one of our wonderful Former Wayward Spouses will come by and be able to tell you from their standpoint how they felt, I'm sure they've ALL felt as you do at some point.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

-Caren

Glad you are here Margie! I am a FWW and a current BS. I would have never thought it possible to have those wonderful feelings for my H again after my A, but it happened! I think part of it was letting go of some of the guilt and realizing that if H would have me back, I owed it to him and our family to find those feelings. For me, it is more of an issue of allowing myself to feel romantically for someone.

For me also, there was a big issue of "If I stick my neck out and invest emotionally in this marriage again, will I be dissapointed". For me, I get out of a realtionship, what I am willing to invest in it. Kinda like your IRA or retirement account.

I looked at it this way, if I recommit and get hurt, at least that pain would come from doing the right thing. bailing on my marriage hurt and there was no reward because I wasn't doing the right thing.

Margiethomas, welcome to MB! I’m so glad you have found this website. I also want to commend you for coming here and seek help & advice on ho to save your M. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I’m a FWW who has never experienced a total emotional disconnection from my H or felt unhappy in my M (my EA happened for other reasons than unfulfilled EN’s in my M), but on a certain stage (even after I’ve ended all contact with XOM) I did feel “I love my H, but was not in love with him”. I think this is what you’re talking about when you say you “lack the emotional connection” with your H…you feel the “lack on emotional connection” is a lack of “in love” feelings for your H. Am I correct?

If it is, I want you to read this post I’ve send a while ago on another thread. I do know you love your H. You’ve said in your post you have a great deal of respect and admiration for your H; that he is a great person and a great friend you don't want to lose... This is real evidence of the love you have for your H, but I think you might have the wrong idea about love in a M and probably confuse the real, stable & mature love you have for your H (and which can only be obtained through a long, committed relationship like a M) with the first stages of immature, puppy love when people “fall” in love and when hormones and chemicals are running high. It’s not possible to have both. The above post will give you more insight.

Let me know if you find it helpful.

You really need to ask yourself, will you do it again and hurt him all over? If you can't answer that NO without a pause or thought, then YOU may need personal C for you! Sometimes we do things that lie deeper than the surface.

I hope it works out, because having husband is great, but if the are your best friend that is even GREATER!!

Thank you, everyone, for your insight and comments. I don't doubt that I love my H. I just hope that some day that I will be able to look at him and see more than just a great friend. I want to enjoy his hugs without thinking please don't touch me...enjoy spending most of my time with him instead of thinking I need some space-I'm being smothered.

To answer one question posted, I won't do it again. I have realized that no matter how unhappy I was in the M, no person deserves what I did to him. There are always other options. Now, saying that, right now, I am not at the point where I am possitive that things will work out and we will get our M back on track.

Again, thanks for the comments and information! It really does help.

Margie...

I just wanted to let you know that the feelings that you are having are completely normal...you sound so much like I did when I first came out of my own A. I, like you, always felt that my H was my dearest friend...that is a huge plus, though I know it doesn't really seem like it right now. I constantly doubted that I would ever get those same love feelings back...especially in the bedroom department...my first posts here were regarding that...everyone told me to give it time, but I still doubted. My husband and I began spending as much time together as possible, doing fun light hearted stuff...we spent a lot of time out "partying", as that is what we were doing when we first met (mind you we were 23 & 25 back then-it took more out of us this time around, but we still had a great time at 36 & 38-LOL) We just kept at it and the feelings did come rushing back...I was amazed...the feelings were actually better, deeper...I never would have believed it. I got to see just how much the "feelings" that I thought I had for the OM paled in comparison to the real thing. The most awe inspiring for me was the realization of just how much my husband really loved me...I never saw that before...but I put him through he11, and he was still there, loving me...THAT is an incredible realization, THAT is real and true love...keep at it Margie, as hard as it is to believe, it will all come back and it will be the best and greatest love that you will ever experience...REALLY!!!

Something else that has helped us tremendously is being here on Marriage Builders, helping others...it gives us even more common ground, and allows us to talk about the problems of others, and then use the solutions in our own lives...a great technique for conflict avoiders.

I hope that you will stick around, I'm glad that you are here. I want you to get all the joy that your marriage was intended to provide...you guys can do it, it certainly seems that you have the right attitude just by being here...you are making great first steps...

If there is anything that I can help you with, I would be glad to...my email addy is in my signature line, feel free to use it anytime...

Best,

Mrs. Wondering