This is a select group of WS'a I am asking to respond. I know that in some marriages they were perhaps extremely bad before the affair and fallout. There may have been extreme neglect, verbal or physical abuse, etc. But, in those M where the BS was basically a good woman/man and tried her/his best to be a good partner even if they have learned and can now be better, I would like to know how it ends up that the WS can become so angry, bitter, disrespectful and downright mean to someone that was doing their best at the time (in some cases had not even been told by their WS of anything being wrong in the M) and someone that truly loved the WS and would have taken a bullet for them. None of us BS really get this I think.

It's not exactly what you are asking for, but my current girlfriend was divorced a couple of years ago and we've talked about her past marriage sometimes. I've never met the husband and as far as I know she never had an affair.

Her husband was not abusive but she was terribly unhappy. He did not pay much attention to her. She would cry and he would ignore her. He would never commit to when he would be home. Would not take her calls. Would cloister himself by his computer. He would only take vacation to do the kinds of things that he wanted to do -- dragging her to horrible places that she did not enjoy.

She took them to several different counselors over the years and in counseling he could never understand why she could not just be happy. She never wanted to be a divorced person. She had a huge religious barrier to divorce.

She finally left him and moved out.

Then he claimed that he was going to change. He started going to counseling. Every mail from him blamed her, talked about how much pain he was in and talked about what a better person he was.

Bottom line, after 15 years of marriage, he had done a lot of damage. On top of that, even though he thought he had changed, and said he had changed, he had not changed the things that she felt were the basis of the problem. He still sends her cards once in a while and they are still all about him.

I've recently read here on the board that "you can't marry the wrong person." I think that's wrong. Some people are just not mature enough to be married. Sounds like he was one of them. I've also read that "God wants you to stay married." That may be, but she burned many years of her life in that marriage and she regrets it. Many of her fertility years. Many of her youthful years. She's a wonderful and caring person. A giver who mistakenly apparently got paired with someone who only knows how to take.

Bottom line: Marriage is not necessarily a get out of jail free card. It's NOT a license to neglect your spouse and then have a "revelation" and clean up your act. You can do enough damage without an affair that the other person can never trust you again. That's where she is I think. I remember she told me once: "Even if it seemed like he had changed, he only changed because finally I caused him pain, not because he loved me. How do I know that once he was happy again he would not change back?" She was just no longer willing to take a risk on him. If you are a covey fan, he'd run the emotional bank account so negative that she was done.

Word is he is miserable now. His poor social skills have made dating a challenge for him. He'd only ever been intimate with her and from all I've heard he was hardly a skilled lover. (Though who knows what spin's gonig on here.)

Perhaps not an uplifting message for MB. So let me add that I think a lot of marriages can be saved. I think that people really can change and I definitely think that you have to try enough not to have regrets.

See, I understand why a WS might have built up walls of resentment over time if treated as you desribe. But in some M on this board even the WS's would later acknowledge that the BS was basically a good spouse, not perfect or close (but who is). They loved them, appreciated them, admired them, cared for them, provided, protected, etc. but yet when the WS became involved in the A and decided they did not want to be M anymore the BS described above suddenly became public enemy no. 1. I will never quite get this.

HAP

I think your answer lies in study of the dynamics of affairs. I learned from surviving an affair and other great books on ifidelity that for decent people, having an affair breaks a critical moral code within them, but it FEELS SO GOOD. Affairees often speak to each othe rin affair-justifying terms which can present history and the facts of their marriges in the least favourable terms.

As the reality of the depravity of the affair smshes home, many or most WS resort to even more rewriting of history, and also provocative statements and actions in order to make the BS behave in a way that matches their WS rewritted bad picture of them.

in my case, my marrige to Squid had been a very good one for 17 years until she started training in her sport with OM, who gradually took more and more of her time and focus, until she was desperately 'in love' with him, neglecting our kids and was redrawing our marriage as an oppressive one, my as a workaholic ogre whom se had never loved 'like she loved OM'.

I worked to end their affair, and Squid went through an extremely spiteful withdrawal. Even with my "rose coloured spectacles" firmly OFF I in no way recognised the marriage and man she described.

Now after she crashed and started to return emotionally and physically to our marrige she stopped , gradually, espousing teh terrible views of me an dour marrige.

now, 20 months after d-day, she is ashamed and incredulous of teh thig shse did and said. she has no idea why and how she said and did the things that she did, other than she needed to kid herself she wasn't unjustified in having an affair.

The rewriting of history and utter change of attitude about the BS is part of the addiction and entitlement of the affair, HAP. read up on affairs , then check what you learn against the examples on these boards - you will see that JUST LIKE a disease, the same symptoms manifest in affairs time and time again.

I hope that in time you will be blessed as I am with a repentant FORMER WS who is as hurt and bemused by their past behaviours as I am.

Absolutely agree with bob. I'm not the WS and I don't like to speak for my wife, but we've discussed what happened at length, so I think I have a good understanding.

I consider myself to be a pretty darned good husband and father- all the cooking, cleaning, half the parenting responsibilities, full time job, very supportive of my wife's career... we were best friends, made each other laugh daily (even on D-day), had good (obviously not GREAT) communication, etc. Only problem was that we hadn't spent nearly enough time together since the birth of our child. We had neglected each other's most important EN and had been 'coasting' for 7 years.

After the A started I heard things about how our marriage had been void of pleasure since the begining, that we were incompatible and even that I had been emotionally abusive... it was devastating. Just like bob said, my wife seemed to be rewriting history. All the good memories that I had were completely nonexistant to her.

And, just like bob's situation, as soon as we committed to fixing what was broke, a lot of good memories flooded back to her.

Addiction, plain and simple... asking 'how could a WS put their loved one's heart through a blender?' is like asking 'how could a heroin addict steal from their mother?'.

Seems pretty simple to me. I've not been there but I'd think that the cocktail of infatuation, righteous indignation for not having needs met for so long and the need for self-justifcation for having done something so horrible as cheat would pretty much explain it.

Mebe, I read that HAP was asking about circumstances where thre has not been extant neglect or abuse in a marrige prior to an affair.

Nobody gets all their needs met in a marrige. Nobody. Its an excuse not a reason for an affair and all the revision of history that WS come out with IME.

Would you care to post your story so we can see why you're here and how we can help ?

In the story I cited there was no abuse. There was no physical neglect. I would suggest that the difference between emotional neglect and not having needs met is a thin semantic line.

Perhaps I misunderstood the original poster's request and certainly feel that the quoted poster has misinterpreted my intent. I read the original poster as asking: "How can a WS's view of their partner be so dramatically different?" I stand by my response. I'm not stating that the WS's view is justified -- it's not -- but I think that's the reason none-the-less. Hormone cocktail + years of unhappiness + guilt at doing a horrible thing == revisionist view of spouse to self justify something that can't be justified.

I'm wondering the same thing as hopeandpray on this one. My M wasn't perfect, but I wanted it to be. I really wanted the best for my W. I supported her financially, emotionally, and every way I knew how. I would even ask her every few months if we were doing good, if I could do something to be a better husband. She always said that we were doing great and that I was a great husband. I worshipped the woman.

I lost her to an A in 9/05. She did all the typical things, "ILYBNILWY", "I've never really loved you", etc. Even after I confronted her, I was still good to her, and tried to do the best Plan A that I could. I was shocked at the venom that spewed forth from her. She was very mean and rude, and I kept wondering why? I still don't understand.

Tired41

i don't undersand either

some people here have said the my H is one of the cruelest they have seen....and I swear he was the kindest man i ever knew before his affair

now he treats me like he hates me and that I have ruined his life

Hopeandpray, I believe in cases like this, the WS’s betrayal had nothing to do with the BS, M or unfulfilled EN's, but mainly happened because of issues within the WS. Unfilfilled EN's might play a minor role, but it is not the main issue here. As Bob has said, nobody's EN’s get 100% fulfilled in a M all the time.

The following thread is excellent and will help you to give you insight and understanding. This thread is also applicable on the type of situations you have described in your quote above:

How the wayward get wayward, and why they sound so dumb...

Let me know if you find it helpful.

I, too, have experienced this phenomenon which I like to call the "Linda Blair Effect". My WW goes from sweet and "I want to save our marriage" to "I hate you and want a divorce" quicker than you can open your bottle of holy water.

When I exposed her most recent affair, she seemed to be in a truly confused state. I left the house and went to a hotel when she refused to admit the truth about the affair even though I told her I had spoken to the OM's wife and he'd already confessed.

My WW went back and forth from claiming she was evil to claiming I "had an evil plan" to get even and that's why she didn't want to stay. I was dumb-struck by her assertion that I had an "evil plan" and the hate she spewed (like a certain green goo ala Linda Blair).

The other night, after talking about counseling, she went over the edge again and told me how much she hates me and won't go to counseling. She became nearly violent in her ranting and I did my best to ignore her hatred and went to bed. Later she came to bed and apologized and was back to a sweet, loving, repentant wife. My head is still spinning.

I'm hoping it gets better.

I am a WW and can try to answer that question. Sometimes unmet needs are so intense that there are very few, if any logical explanations for this. My H is basically a good person, but the OM came along at a vulnerable point in my life.

Would you call a vulnerable point being:

1. New baby ( 8 months old)
2. Medical complications and lots of drugs (pre-eclampsyia post pregnancy)
3. Post Partum Depression with first child, maybe with this child?
4. SAHM during the summer, transitioning to a job that took her out of town and into a hospital ER (she's a RN)
5. Started spending considerable time with new (and bad!) friends w/ less morals and standards
6. Almost quit attending church and activities once found fun
7. ANd probably others...

Do you think this could be as you explained in that the OM and job and lifestyle came along at a vulnerable time?

As a FWW I find the times that I have the most difficult time being positive is when I am feeling the most self-loathing. My amazing H. and I have been on the rollercoaster of recovery for several months now. How could I have put someone else before him and my family? It occured little "slips" at a time and as I started pulling away from him, he gave me the space I seemed to desire. I justified this space as "not caring" so that I could feebly justify what I was doing. Infatuation is like a drug. The comment "How could a heroin addict steal from his mother?" makes pitiful sense. The farther down the slippery slope of an affair you slide, the more unclear your real life becomes, the farther away it seems. After sliding down the slope, I found myself covered in mud, feeling like there was no way to get clean again. When I have been negative, it has almost always resulted from my fear that he wouldn't forgive me or he would leave me. Finding my way back to my H. through the fog has been my salvation. He led the way...