So I am hoping that someone may be able to give me some good advice, or at least share their opinons about my situation. I am currently engaged to a single mother and we plan on getting married later this year. We actually dated about 6 years ago for 3 years but then broke up for 2 years in which time she went through a very self-hurting stage (drugs/drinking/etc) and also ultimately got pregnant with another man. She had the kid but the biological father has no interest in Avery's life (baby girl). Now what worries everyone that I know is that they say she is only marrying me because I will be able to support her & Avery (I am in a very good position in life - have a nice house, great job, good deameanor, etc). I have been constantly saying that was ridiculous but lately I am starting to worry..... I love the kid and treat her like my own and when I have a kid of my lineage I feel that they should all be treated exactly the same. The thing that has been worrying me is that I (and our future kids) may always take a backseat to Avery. One example is that we went on a getaway this weekend (jacuzzi suite, nice dinner, etc) and while I am there in a candle lit room professing my love she responds that is was so nice but she wants to get back early in the morning cause she misses her daughter. Another example is that currently she gets child support from the biological father and after she moves in with me wants to put any money that isn't used directly on her daughter (clothing, etc) into a savings account for her to keep later, where as I said that it should be used for the entire family, whether it was to pay bills or buy Avery things she needed -- this actually infuriated her and she said that this was Avery's money and thus it should be strictly hers. Now to show a positive side she does say frequently say she loves me and in the time we were broken up she sent me many love letters trying to get back together with me. She also was willing to give up smoking and even remove a tattoo that she got when she was with another guy (that was without me asking). Any thoughts? Is she marrying me for love or for comfort? Am I just over reacting?

Can you please explain to me why anyone else's opinion is relevant?


She is correct. It isn't Avery's biological father's job to contribute money to the entire household.



My opinion, based upon the little you've typed, is that you are overreacting.

Actually, child support is to be used toward the child's needs, including food/medicine, clothing, education, and shelter. "Shelter" means the cost of keeping a roof over the child's head, electricity for heat/air, and the utility of running water. So yes, child support can and should be apportioned into a household budget.

That said, how fantastic if the support, or a percentage of it, can be saved toward the child's college funds! Is that possible?

I was a single mom and at first my husbands family was worried i married him for those reasons until they met me.I always had this fear that my daughter would take a back seat to a guy. guys come and go and until she is sure about that she needs to but her daughter first and sorry to tell you but no matter if it is avery or a child of yours together the children should always come first. we are moms and its our jobs.would you want a wife who could care less bout geting back to her daughter? moms tend to worry no matter if the candles are lite or not. love her and in time you will all become a family together its not easy. my husband and my daughter are very close because when he married me he made a commitment to her too , to be her daddy and be there.i w2as hurt alot before i met my husband it takes time to trust that your going to be around. She sounds like a good mom.As far as the support goes leave it alone that averys and if it makes her feel better to have a little fall back let her keep it. single mom are usaully the most hurt. they need to feel safe
_s

I think it's fiscally responsible of her to want to sock away some of the child support in a college fund. I also think it's great that her child is at the top of her priorities. So I don't see how anything you are worried about are bad things. I think you sound too caught up in what others think of your relationship (would these be single buddies of yours giving you unasked-for advise?)

Does she treat your child differently than her own? Does she spend a bunch of the money you earn frivalously? If not, then I cannot see (from what you've posted) where you are getting this idea that she is marrying you to mooch off of you other than from people outside of your relationship.

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this actually infuriated her and she said that this was Avery's money and thus it should be strictly hers.


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She is correct. It isn't Avery's biological father's job to contribute money to the entire household.


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Actually, child support is to be used toward the child's needs, including food/medicine, clothing, education, and shelter. "Shelter" means the cost of keeping a roof over the child's head, electricity for heat/air, and the utility of running water. So yes, child support can and should be apportioned into a household budget.






I was a single mother of a 2 yr old when i met my husband and one of the first things I told him when we got serious was "I know this will come across as harsh, but you need to know that my little girl will ALWAYS be my number one priority. I love you with all of my heart, but my number 1 responsibility is to care for her, not keep you happy. And I KNOW it sounds cold but she WAS there before you and if things don't work, she'll be there when you're gone. Us single moms are single for a reason, we have been burned and are fiercely protective of ours and our childrens rights.

As for her feeling differently towards the other children down the line? My father was a single father with me for the first six yrs of my life then he met my stepmom and had four more... we always had a special bond because we had that time to bond together before the others came but noone ever felt less or more loved than another and we were all treated/disciplined the same.

I WAS IN THE SAME POSITION AS YOUR SOON TO BE WIFE...and i totally agree with her wanting to sock away the left over money for her daughter when it will help her the most. As for charging the little one for "shelter", when you got into a relationship with her mother, you assumed the responsibility of providing it. It's not fair to charge her for it.

I was a single divorced mother of three. I married a man with no children and we just had our first child together. Personally, I disagree with the previous post on two counts.

First, as a mother my children are always a priority. That goes for the three I came into the marriage with as well as the baby that we just had.

HOWEVER, my marriage is my first priority. That may sound harsh to some but it is actually the most important gift I feel I can give to my children.

They have been throught he devestation of divorce. They have lived with the uncertainty of getting to know a step father. I never, ever want them to have to go through something like that again.

I firmly believe that one of the most difficult things for parents, especially mothers, to do is make their marriage a priority. If we don't though, if we don't protect and nourish our marriage, we stand a much greater chance of finding ourselves single.

Because my children are so important to me, I feel it IS my responsibility to do whatever I can to model a good marriage for them. Yes, my children were here before Steve. Yes, I have been burned and yes I am FIERCELY protective of my children.

I wouldn't have married Steve if I didn't feel that the home and family we would build would be better for them than what we had by ourselves. Therefore, that family and home - anchored by our marriage - must be my most important priority. To maintain our family it is the marriage that must be nurtured each day. So, by making my marriage the priority, I am giving my children the most important gift - two parents who love each other.

On the money subject, for a nano second before I got married I considered doing the same. BUT, by doing so I would be making the kids outsiders to the family right from the get go.

My husband and I don't split the bills in the house, pay our share from our own money and then keep any remaining money for our own personal use. All of our money goes towards the family. His paycheck, my paycheck, any bonuses, tax returns... all of it goes to our family.

My husband did assume the responsibility of providing for my children as well as any we have together when he married me and he steps up to that with no complaints. The amount I receive in child support doesn't come even close to paying for the needs of the children. My husband has never complained, never hesitated to provide whatever they need. Why? Because we are a family.

Just because he assumed responsibility for providing for the children doesn't mean that my responsibility was lessened for providing for them too. The child support is for all of their needs. It's calculated based on what a resonable expectation is of the cost to raise a child each month. It's not calculated to meet needs and put some away for "future" needs. The fact is that mother and child will have more options financially because of this man. Just because he loves mother and child doesn't mean that the money meant for the monthly expenses for Avery should be shouldered more on him to create a saving account for her.

If Avery's mom wants to put away money for her after she marries, she should talk to her husband and agree on how to do that... but not by keeping the child support separate.

I can't imagine asking my husband to support my children as his own while at the same time clearly setting them up as independant of our family.

I know for a fact that I and the children wouldn't have the financial stability and advantages that we enjoy as part of a two income family if we were on our own right now. With my income and child support we wouldn't be homeless but we certainly wouldn't be as comfortable as we are. Most families are the same way. Without Steve's income I wouldn't be able to sock away child support money for them so why in the world would I do it because he is there? He doesn't keep back any of his money from me or the kids, what would make me think I had a special right to do the same to him?

So, having also been in the same position I would highly recommend you both look closely at what the environment and rules are going to be for your home. I can see a lot of resentment building eventually if you don't have a very clear understanding and acceptance of these issues before you marry.

I don't get the feeling she is marrying you for your money though. Go with your gut. Work out these issues first though.

Oh, and don't worry about her ability to love you and any future children. A mother's love is not limited by the number of children she has. She will love and adore the children you create just as much as she does Avery. As I alluded to earlier though, many couples put their children before their spouse. That's something that is not going to be special to your relationship. It's something every parent I know has had to work on. It is certainly workable.

FIM