I've posted a few times in the past few weeks. I have a good feeling my WW is in a EA with her boss. But I am unable to get any concrete proof of this, and actually have had a few setbacks in our M because of my snooping...which turned into me lying which of course made things worse. Anyway, she wants me to move out, if even for a few days, to allow her some "space", and see if she will miss me or not. If I don't move out, she threatens me that she will move out and take our daughter with her. She has the option to move in with her parents or sister I guess. She also says that if she moves out, she will NOT return.

If I give her a few days of space, could this be beneficial?

I'm trying to work on plan a, but she is having a tough time with it, thinking that this isn't me. Unfortunately I may have started all of this rather late in our problems, as I want to save our M, and she is well past that point. Hense wanting space.

Giving her "space" will just mean she will be free to carry on her affair umimpeded. That is what she really wants. But if you want to save your marriage, you need to stay home. You can't very well work on your marriage if you aren't there. If she wants some "space" tell her to go in the bathroom and shut the door.

If she tries to leave with your child, I would prevent this from happening. Your child should not be yanked from her home to accommodate her affair. Explain to her that she will be leaving alone if she goes.

If I were you, I would do some diligent snooping, get your proof and expose the affair.

But, whatever you do, don't move out. That is the worst thing you can do, for your marriage and for your daughter.

Yep! For her and her affair!

Not for you or your marriage!


Very typical WS reaction to BSs doing a GOOD PLAN A!

Tell her she's right. This is the NEW you. "I heard the wake-up call LOUD AND CLEAR! I now realize the mistakes I was making in our marriage in the past. The changes you see are permanent in me and I am a better person."

Do you have an attorney yet? Threats she makes to take your daughter should be taken seriously. Check out your rights.

Its hard to get proof of it. She does everything with her cell phone...and like I said she works with her boss. So i can understand their communication to a certain extent. The only way I can really get my proof I feel would be to somehow record her conversations she has with him, while she drives to /from work.

It sounds like she can still be in this A, but at times it doesn't. Again, like I said earlier, she doesn't want me to leave for a long time...but rather for a few days, so she can find out for herself if she is missing me or not.

Thanks for your input, Melodylane.

For what reason? Is your marriage contingent upon her day to day feelings? Well, that is silly. A marriage is a COMMITTMENT, not a "feeling" that changes from day to day.

If she wants to find out if she misses you, tell her to go to the mall or something. Just DO NOT split up.

The only reason she wants you to move out is so she can carry on her affair unimpeded. She is probably thinking if she can just get you out, she can KEEP you out. ["sorry dear, but I need some more time, you can't come back yet. Maybe next month."]

DON'T DO IT!

You CAN'T work on your marriage if you aren't there! There is no benefit to leaving, except, as WAT says, to ENABLE HER AFFAIR.

I would look into putting a voice recorder in her car and taping her conversations. You could also check her cellphone bill to see who she is talking to.

Your situation sounds enough like mine that your wife could be my hubbys ow.

He moved out a month ago. He needed space to decide what he wanted. I was against him moving out but he gave me no choice really. Now he's gone and we have grown further apart daily.

Do NOT move out no matter what. If she goes you can't control it but she can not stop you from seeing your child.

I have to agree. Don't go anywhere. I made the mistake of giving my WH some "space" and leaving him "alone" as he requested, before I knew he was having an A. It started with me just going for a few days, then I came back. Then a few more days, then I came back. Then a week... you get the picture.

We are now separated and WH has continued carrying on his A, bringing the OW into our home now that I am safely "out of the way."

My situation was complicated by the fact that I had a very small baby and was extremely hormonal and emotional... but still... bad choices on my part.

I understand where all of you are coming from, but still find it hard to really do that. Deep down I feel that I can give her some space for a few days if she really needs it, but I am not going to come out and say that to her, unless her threats are real and says she will move in with her parents or sister. I do need to give her some kind of answer soon (by the end of the week or so). I want to say something like "please reconsider what you want to do about us" and "seperation is not the answer"...to try and tell her that I am in this for all of the right reasons. That I am changing or have changed. I have been working on plan A, but like I mentioned before, had a few setbacks. I realize those setbacks very well now...I guess you can call them LB's. But still, how much patience should i have with her. How long do I stick with plan A?

sadmm, we didn't say it was going to be easy. If you are looking for the easy way out, then you are probably doomed from the start and don't have what it takes to save your marriage. It won't be easy to save your marriage. We are, instead, giving you solutions that will most likely be effective, rather than easy.

If you want the most effective solution, you should do what you can to prevent seperation because seperation is the WORST THING for your marriage. You can't STOP her frm leaving, but you can do everything in your power to not make it easy for her to destroy your marriage.

You should not help her or have any patience with schemes designed to harm your marriage. She is not in a good place mentally and cannot be trusted to make the best decisions for your marriage. You must PROTECT your marriage from her.

Her judgement is impaired and your eagerness to APPEASE her will not help your marriage, it will HARM your marriage.

Seperation greatly increases your chances of divorce, nor can you work on your marriage if you are not there. In fact, many courts view your leaving as ABANDONMENT. There is simply no benefit to leaving.

If she wants to seperate so badly, make her do the work. Make her lose the comfort and security of her home to do it. She needs to face the consequences of her decisions, not be protected from them.

HEY! Did you stop to think, just ask her the darn question!
ARE YOU HAVING AN AFFAIR! You said, you had a good feeling she was, BUT you don't know. Ask her man. Just be prepared for answer. Ask yourself if she says yes, am I willing to work it out and found out why. Does she even want to be married? And tell her if she is, then she is setting a poor,poor example for her daughter. Your daughter will grow up and think it is okay to cheat. Mother did it. No, tell her it is wrong. Cheating comes with so many factors, tell her to think it out.
If she says NO, then man you better start explain your actions! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Let hope its no

I personally feel separation can work. Tell her if she wants to leave so bad, GO! But leave your daughter there. She is only giving you a taste of what is to come if you two every divorce. She will be using your daughter to try and control you. That is not fair. Protect yourself. Go and make sure you legally have the right to keep your daughter there at the family home if she leaves. If she leaves, go to the courthouse that day, and get her on abandoment. I've seen to many situations end up ugly because people were not educated. The children only suffer, because of adults selfishness. Don't leave your home.

sourmilk, if she is having an affair, she will most likely LIE if he asks. She has lied before so her word is worthless. Folks aren't apt to just up and bust themselves when they are trying to hide something.

Also, seperation will not help his marriage, it will HARM his marriage because it will only enable the affair. The risk of divorces increases dramatically once seperated, which is why Marriage Builders counsels AGAINST it unless all options are exhausted.

Melodylane you are correct in your words. She probally will lie, BUT at least it will be on the table. She will then try and watch her dirt, that will allow him to look closely.
Far as the seperation, if she wants out she will get out, so just put the ball in her court and let her play. He has to take a stand. She will continue to have the power if he does not take control of the problem. He has got to dump it back on her! It is her problem, and he is weighting the pain. He is the victim, not her. She probally does not want him to leave anyway. It is just talk, in my opinion.
I really think peolpe should stay and work it our, but sometimes seperation gives you time to miss what you have. He knows his wife better that us, so he should know the right choice.

I can appreciate all that you guys are telling me, but what I have a problem with is that my case is very complex. Before the affair started, she has tried on several occasions to fix it. She has tried to talk to me. She tried to write me. I wasn't there for her...and boom, it eventually turned to this. So at this point, she does NOT want to fix the marriage. She is well past that point. There were several things that I did late in the game to push her away even farther. Of course I realize this now, but it's rather late in the game. She says she wants space to see if she will miss me. I can understand easily how everyone can interprut that as having time away from me and time continuing on the A. I know myself. If I gave her what she wants...I certainly would be checking on her. I know what OM drives...I can still snoop.

sourmilk, no doubt she will leave if she wants, he can't stop her from that. But that doesn't mean he should agree with it or ever agree to move out himself. In any event, it is a bad idea that will only harm his marriage.

The best way to get an affair out on the table is to find out the truth and, not ASK, but TELL. He is not going to find out the truth by asking an untrustworthy person, but by independent investigation.

sadmm, she wants "space" to carry on her affair. I know you think your case is special, but its not. Your W is a CLASSIC WS and your situation is just like the others we see here every day.

I understand that you were not a novel husband, but the answer is not to seperate. You can't very well fix your marriage if you are not together. Playing games with "feelings" will not help fix the damage, but rather working together to solve the problems.

Her "feelings" will come back once she is through withdrawal if you work hard to avoid lovebusters and begin to meet her needs. But that will never happen if you seperate.

Why not try some counseling? And making sure that the affair is not really going on? Because I strongly suspect that the affair is still going on or she has plans to resume it.

Melodylane you have allot of wise words. Maybe you can help me! Check you aol

She wants no part of any kind of counseling, other than if I want to go myself I can. I tried, but felt it wasn't helping me. I am in favor of counseling if she wanted to go. But I can't make her go. She is VERY independent.

I am not planning on moving out. I think this could be a very trying time in our marriage this coming week or so, if the issue is brought up between us (moving out). Where we live, there are no abandoment type laws or rules...I talked to an attorney a month or so about this, and he said if I had moved out, it would not be considered abandoment.

What makes my case unique in a way, is that she works so closely with OM. I can not stop this. She is looking for new work, but for the time being, has to work there so that we can make ends meet. Believe me, I have even offered for her to quit on the spot in the past, and just try to do whatever to make us work. Another thing, she has admitted to the affair in the past (back in early January), but has since said that she has broken it off with him. I have even talked to the OMW. I called her, asking about her MC and how it was going. Not to talk about the affair seeming to be on still. She told me things were well with her and her husband. That they were trying to work things out. I don't think she is suspecting anything...and right after talking with her, of course her husband knew of this, and of course he passed it on to my wife.

Right now, with my snooping and my WW deleting her TM, I have no solid evidence to back up my suspicions. The only way I can confirm it would be through a recording device in her car. But with that kind of evidence, how do you show that to her?...she'll then get ticked about the "invasion of privacy" kind of issue.

And please understand that almost all WS' lie. And your wife does NOT have the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back, so there would be no "invasion of privacy."

As long as they work together, the affair is still on, sadmm. She will never recover as long as they work together. Recovery is impossible.

Dr. Harley:

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

sadmm I fell really bad for you. It sounds like things have been going on for sometime. Has she expressed why she is not intrested in couseling? Also it sounds like OM is not leaving his W. I feel as if she is being used by the OM. He probally has no intentions on a split and he is well aware that HIS W will stay in the M. The sad part is your W is blind................ She is willing to give all up for this jerk.

All you can do now is focus on your daughter and let her come to you.

But the OMW knows of the affair, right? Have you notified Human Resources at your wife's job?