Never got an email, did I delete the address too soon? If so, here it is again, and I'll wait till I get the email before I delete it this time. Sorry if that's what happened.

jnk89_p@yahoo.com

I will update here, Tigger, I have you and WAT to thank tremendously!

I read around a little on GQ11 and hope that you do come here to update. There are many, including those who you clashed with yesterday, who can help you down this road of recovery!!!! PLEASE, come and post your update so we can all help you down this road, especially those of us who have been in your shoes where you stand right now! I also want to invite your H to come and read/post here. If you go back, WAY back to when I first began posting, you will see that I did attack a very wise poster and survived and here I stand today. If you don't want to post here right now, please email me. I sincerely wish to help in any way that I can!

Hope to hear from you soon!

Tigger, thank you so much for your encouragement and kindness. I took a break from posting for myself right after confessing to my H because it was all too raw. It is very difficult within my M; I guess what made it all the more difficult was the hostile reaction from some posters. I say some because there were a few who were wonderfully encouraging. I will post again and let you know how we are doing. I'm fighting withdrawal like crazy!! I can't really share that with my H without hurting hime tremendously

sfjaj,

I am glad that you haven't disapeared completely after yesterday and the day before. I understand your frustration with many of the replies you recieved. Unfortunately, I don't know many of those that you were clashing with but I do know some what of Just Learning and WAT. They are both wonderful people and can help tremendously. Many times, those in OUR shoes are looked upon much more closely(those of us who are the WW w/OC)

Now, for your issues with the withdrawl, it's going to be hard. Maybe what you can do is ask your H what you can share with him in regards to repairing your M and how you are feeling. I also feel that you need to be willing to listen to what he needs to talk about, even if he isn't comfortable/ready to do the same for you. I'm not saying that you need to be a doormat, but you do need to take responsibility, in every way you can, for all the pain you have caused for your H. If you need to discuss your feelings of withdrawl, come here and post about it. Or you can email me. One way to make those feelings subside is to work on your H's EN and he on yours. Have you looked at or filled those questionares out yet? I HIGHLY recommend you do so. Have you gotten and/or read any of the books that are recommended you read? PLEASE, look into getting some of them and start rebuilding the foundation of your M.

One thing you might want to do is begin date nights. It's better if you can have at least one a week, but if it's difficult to work that, then at least one a month, but no less than that. Spend the time to get to know your H again! There was a reason you married him in the first place, work to re-ignite those feelings with him. It will take time, but it is doable. Continue to immurse yourself with your H and those memories will soon begin to fade into nothing. Unfortunately though, you may still have moments where the xom pops into your mind. At those times, think of a more recent wonderful thought of your H and what he's done for you.

The road to recovery is a long hard one, but well worth the time and effort. Heck, my H and I are still working on certain issues, but we are firm in our love for each other. We are getting ready to celebrate our 17th anniversary tomorrow. Unfortunately, he is on the other side of the country, and we won't be able to spend it together. And, we are now almost 6 years post D-day and in recovery. You have to look at marriage not as something to celebrate once a year, but something to celebrate every day of the year. Something that you have to work on every day, although some days will be easier than others. You need to wake up each morning and ask yourself "What can I do today to make DH love me more?" And go to bed each night thanking God for this opprotunity to make things right in your M and for giving you such a wonderful man for a husband. Get your focus on your H and your M and those feelings of withdrawl will disapear.

I hope that this has made sense. I'm a little groggy after being a little out of it yesterday. I truly feel that you can be one of the many MB success stories here. Keep posting, keep us updated, and again, if you wish, I really do not mind you emailing me.

Tigger, any suggestions on how to handle issues with the OC? I made the mistake before I ended the A to allow the OM to see the OC. We had agreed that it would be best for my H and I to raise the OC, but now I fear that the OM is having a hard time breaking the tie with the OC. We did a NC letter, but the OM doesn't want to lose touch with me or the OC, especially. Add to all of this that I am still struggling with withdrawal so my strength is not at its peak. What a mess I've created!!

First and above all else, remember that your H is this little baby's father, no matter who donated the DNA. Is xom calling you? If so, I suggest changing your phone number. Or, have your H call the xom back, or answer the phone if he's home, and tell the xom under no uncertain terms is there to be any further contact. If your H is willing to raise the baby as his own, and depending on your state's laws, the xom has no say in having contact. You can even get a restraining order to keep him away if it comes to that. If you don't have caller id on your phone, I suggest you get it, and use the "anonymous call block" feature so that the xom can't call you with out you knowing it's him, and refuse to answer the phone when he calls.

If attempted contact continues, see what it will take to get the RO, and let xom know if he doesn't stop, that will be the result of his continued contact. How is your H doing with xom still wanting contact? Find out what your H wants in this regard and stand with him as a united front. The xom is continuing to NOT respect your M and he needs to be stopped. Unfortunately, it may come to the fact that family will have to know what's happened, but it's a very small price to pay to be able to rebuild your M.

Please, check with your state's family laws to see where you, your H, and the xom stand. If it's like most states, if your H doesn't contest paternity, you will have nothing to worry about, and you can move forward with telling the xom that he needs to stop attempting contact or you will have a RO on him. I know that this doesn't always work, in fact my H told the xom shortly after D-day that we would try to get the charges dropped(assult by the xom) if he would just leave us alone and "get out of Dodge". Didn't work, of course, we couldn't drop the charges since they were in the "military" court and it was up to the captain, not us. Plus, that's when he seemed to start the "stalking" that had us call the cops at least twice after D-day.

I suggest to change your phone number, if you don't have the caller id stuff, get it, if he sends you mail, send it back unopened, if he sends you emails, block his address, even change your email address(s), spend as much extra time with your H as you possibly can, look into your rights and your H's rights.

Hope things continue to get stronger in your M and those feelings of withdrawl will become less intense and eventually you will look on how you thought you felt with disgust. Keep in touch.

Forgive me for jumping in like this....

I can concur with the deepest well of pain and withdrawal you are facing right now. I can also input my experience if your MOM decides to pursue you for C later if things start to go awry with him. Do not let him see the child again. You will pay dearly, I can assure you that. But not as dearly as your oc if things get nasty, get public and get on the record.


If given the choice, most people would rather grow up in an intact family – including oc’s. Please try and save your M. Don't look at the long history with your MOM and feel guilty about NC either. I knew mine 10 years prior. That is the past. Look towards the future and the best interests of your oc.

tigger - please pm me

x

Ontheplank,

PM's are not available on this forum. If you wish, my email is in a post about 3-4 above this one, in this thread. You may email me there if you wish. If it's something that you don't mind "talking" about here, I am quite open about my situation and how we've made it so far.

Tigger

S - just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

If you need me, shout out! I'm here for you chica.

- Kimmy

tigger - thank you. I may do both if you do not mind.

x

thank you all...ontheplank, you really did hit a topic with me. I must admit I do have some guilt about the MOM and OC and him not being able to see her. But I know being raised by my H and I is the best plan. I am fortunate in that I think the OM won't pursue the OC because he too wants what is best for her, but i did make the error of allowing him to see her several times before the A ended

tigger, you still around?

sfjaj: Please, give yourself some time to think things over. Allow yourself to just be yourself for a while before making your next move. Let this new info sink in for a few more days and don't let the thought of 'if something should happen to me' plan your life.

Tigger may be preoccupied for a few more days. Send her an email. Take this time and give it to yourself.

x

I'm still here, just a bit busy of late. What do you need? Also, don't be afraid to use my email addy either. I usually check that at least once a day.