I just wanted to share a quick word of encouragement to those in a sitch where OC is about to be born -

Saturday was OC's first birthday. It is so hard to believe that a year has passed already.

On the day OC was born (we were living in a different state from OW so only received a phone call) I had to knock myself out with medication and slepp for the better part of 48 hours. It hit me harder than the night I first learned of the A and the day I learned of the pregnancy. I suppose because the baby was now a person! A few weeks later when paternity was confirmed it triggered it again - I guess because the last shred of hope I had of getting rid of this sitch was destroyed.

Fast forward to one year later:

1. Things aren't completely what they were pre A and OC
but our marriage is on track again.

2. I enjoy my H and my M again.

3. OW and A aren't a constant thought in my mind.

4. CS has even become $ right out of the check that we
don't miss -- which a year ago I felt was impossible!

5. Things still happen that trigger my emotions but only
once a month or less - it use to happen every other
day.

So to those of you at the beginning of this journey - hang in there -- YOU WILL SURVIVE and YOU WILL BE ABLE TO ENJOY LIVING AGAIN. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you. I am in a situation where I'm waiting for the OC to be born. It's about 6.5mos away. I want so bad to put this behind us and I keep wondering if that is going to be possible. I hope it will be. I love him so much but I still wonder. Anyway, thank you for the encouragement it's good to know people DO survive this.

Thanks so much for showing us what the future might hold for us.... it makes me glad that knowing all this pain, confusion, anger and having my life turned upside down in the worst way is going to be worth all that I have been going thru.

i have to agree that the OC is worse then the A in itself. The A was bad, it made me feel so low but the OC ...... I dont even know how to put into words the feelings, and then top it off it was a girl, the one thing I was never able to give my H. When I found out about the A I was so hurt and degraded, but you know at least I had this stupid thought that went thru my head that she took something so precious from me in night but I at least was the one that gave him children, and the one thing that I had she took that away and topped me by giving him a daughter. It made me feel so shameful, degraded, and .....

I know my post probably dont make sense, I just dont know how to put into words the way I feel, I just got to trust that you guys understand.

I know alot of you will be shocked and trust me I dont feel good about the feelings either but in alot of ways the pain of this was worse then the pain of losing my son. Oh god yes I did feel the pain, it is a pain that I would never ever wish on my worst enemy. I even in moment of pain yelled at my mom that I wished she had died then my son, but thankfully my mom relized that in my moment of blindless from the pain that it was the way of life it was natural to bury your parents but not to bury your child, you expect them to be burying you. The A and other OC hurt but it also made me so low about myself.

It killed me when the thought that this pain was worse it destroyed me even more, and in the middle of the night I got scared, I was in a deep hole and the thoughts of sucide popped into my head, I could not take anymore. And it scared the ****** out of me what I was thinking that night, that was the most selfish thing to even think and how could I even think that with my kids, but thankfully I grabbed the phone book and called a sucide hotline cause I know I didnt want to do what I was thinking. And that lady told me that tho it hurt to lose my son, I realized that he did not have a choice in the matter, it was in gods hand and his will where what my H did was his choice.... he chose to to break something I hold so close to my heart, our wedding vows.

Even tho I do see our marriage getting back on track and in some ways even better. i know I love him and I know he loves me but I still wonder some days is it all worth it. the OC will always be a reminder, will something happen in the future that will end our M and I just wasted all this time and effort for nothing. I sure hope not, there is two things I always promised that I would never ever forgive, one if he ever even raised his hands at me and the other is a A but tho I hold my head in shame about it I have decided to try and stand taller and make it work. When I look into my H eyes and see the pain there also I am glad that I did.

Hearing your story puts a little peace in my soul knowing that I did make the right decision and for that I thank you

thunderstorm - you have endured so much pain, I can only hope and pray God has something great in store for you one day soon. You definitely deserve some relief. For me when times get tough my reward is my children, they are the light of my life. My mind doesn't even want to go to the place you've been, losing a child. It has to be one of the most painful things a parent can experience.

I wish I could give you a big hug. I really feel for you.

Hi Thunderstorm

I will only reply to the first part of your post because I know that I cannot even begin to understand what it feels like to lose a child.

I understand, however, how you feel about the OW having a girl when you did not. In my situation the OC will be his very FIRST C at all. We have no kids. I feel like now she has something more special and shares more than he and I share. It hurts so bad that I want to get pregnant so that we can start a family now and I can feel like I am whole. A first child is so special and now I'll never be that woman. It hurts so much. I hope we'll get through it but there are up days and down days you know? All we can do is hang on for the up days I guess <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, Thank you...I needed to hear that today...Thank you.

trying to make it work,

Thank you so much for that post. I have visited this site so many times and I am so compelled to write. In our situation, the OC is going to be taken by c-section in March and while we have made significant gains in our M I am very anxious about the baby coming. I am so glad to read that things have improved for you given the time it takes to get there.

Problem is my H does not want to go to courts about visitation and CS because he feels they can work it out peacfully. I want to go through the courts and accept things as they determine. We are going to a lawyer to see what we are up against. Of course, the OW is a piece of work and will make everything hard for him/us.

In the craziest sense, this A has brought us closer than we were before. We go to counseling and are really working hard to overcome everything we have been through.

OW says he can't see the child unless he comes to her place while the baby is still little (babies go to daycare at 5 weeks so that is how long I will take this)...and I will be there...I just hate the thoughts of playing by her rules. Any suggestions????

Emkaydee

I can understand she not wanting the baby away from her in the beginning, but I can understand that your H has rights too. That's the main reason to do things through court, that way noone can make unreasonable requests. However, if your H really wants to do this without court and amicably...go on and meet at her house. Make sure that you are there the entire time. Inform your H how long you will accept it, and then make sure he lets her know.

This too shall pass.

Emkaydee -
One of the key ingredients in surviving this first year for me is that we did have a lawyer and do things legally in the court. It sucked doing it at the time but it provided peace of mind as far as there were rules H and OW had to abide by. Neither of them was in a position to be able to "yank the chain" and threaten each other with $ or visitation. It is all spelled out in the paperwork - no room for arguement.

Your H and OW had an A - that does not qualify either one of them as trustworthy and honest. Handshake outside of the court deals between two people that have proved to be liars and capable of sneaky activity is a recipe for disaster.

Lawyers are expen$ive but nothing compared to what $ OW could get by dragging you to court later. You can really get screwed that way -- just read around on old posts on here.

Doing things legally takes the control the OW has to make her visitation rules - like only at her house. The court takes into account infants requiring a different level of care than older children but would not make your H only visit OC at OW's house -- it would be more along the lines of OC doesn't stay overnight with you until a certain age or only under certain circumstances,etc.

PLEASE,PLEASE read around these boards and the stories and consider doing things legally. It protects everyone involved to do it that way - you, your H, COM, OC and even OW. It is the best way for everyone.

Emkaydee -

Please go to court, especially with how OW is viewing this right now. For the first 8 weeks (b4 court order was in), WE went to OW's house to see OC. I think H went once or twice without me for about an hour or two, but he called the minute he got there and the minute he left and they weren't alone.

OW can make things very difficult. As far as CS is soncerned, it might be less if you can work it out ahead of time, but visitation NEEDS to be either agreed upon by everyone or deemed what the court views as appropriate. Otherwise, you two will be arguing over when/if he goes over there and she could keep that up for quite some time.

OW are very unstable in these situations and don't always make the best decisions for OC's, so IMHO, you need to go to court and have something on paper as far as visitation, so there is nothing to haggle about with anyone.

Good luck!!