I have been doing very well lately. Dated some very nice ladies, go out with friends, pursue hobbies, etc...

Still get hit with these bouts of depression from the seperation and divorce. It will be coming up on 2 years since the "d-day" that caused the divorce - May 13th, 2004. I can't believe this much time has passed.

Just wondering though from others.... How long did it take to get back to "normal"?

Keith

Normal is different than what we thought before.
For me, normal is now being thankful for all the gifts I have (and not mourning what was lost).
There is so much good in life, and we have to be open to receive it.
If you feel yourself slipping back, perhaps counseling or meds can help through this period.
The return to brighter sunny days should also help.

I don't think those who were not in decade's long marriages, or who were not BS's, can ever understand. There is no more normal, and that certainly does not mean you are clinically depressed - just that you love your wife. I have a couple of acquaintances who lost their spouses to death after very long marriages, and life will never return to "normal" for them. My father-in-law, however, seemed to recover remarkably quickly after my mother-in-law died; I suspect that he was never capable of feeling love for anyone - he definitely didn't care much about my H or about his grandchildren.

Keith,

First (as always) "HI!!" from DD and CJ!

Second, allow me to reply from experience. My exH moved out Feb. 2, 1999, to live with his OW in another state...he disappeared off the face of the map for months...then reappeared and convinced me to take him back (I wanted to believe)...then basically did the same thing a couple more times...and we finally divorced May 23, 2003. SOOOOOOooooo...I really know where you're coming from, even with the multiple cheating thing and the long-term marriage that was thrown away thing.

In my experience, life does not return to the "OLD" normal. For a long time, I waited for life to be the way it was back when I was married and thought I had a husband and family. In my mind, the way that felt was "normal"; however, it doesn't really get back to that.

I think a divorce is very much like being raped (because to a BS it does feel like a rape): the person who was raped keeps wondering when things will return to "normal, like it used to be"--but in real life, things are changed for forever. They will never be that naive again...that innocence can not be recaptured...and things ARE different. So what we tell people is that it will never be "like it used to be" anymore--but a whole new way of "normal" will occur. It won't be the same as it was, and no matter how hard you try you can't get there again--but that doesn't mean that the new "normal" can't be quite fine!

Same thing here. For you, Keith, it will never be "like it used to be." Some of the rollercoaster stuff will mellow out and get smoother, and in a whole new way, your life will return to "normal"...but it is a new "normal." You will never EVER be naive about marriage and commitment again. you will never EVER regain the illusion of "that won't happen in my marriage." You will never EVER have the innocence of being married to the first girl you went out with in high school. Sadly THAT "normal" is gone.

However, the new "normal" can be quite good!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> For example, my new "normal" is very peaceful--there is none of the abuse and manipulation of my old marriage. My new "normal" is fun because I have the freedom to express who I am--listen to music I like, decorate the way I like, read or write what I like...and not be teased for it or put down. My new "normal" is somewhat steady and can feel a little boring at first because there is no "drama" and "crisis" every other day...but that's also something GOOD that I learned to get used to...the steadiness of daily life without crisis. My new "normal" is very different than my old "normal" but I like my new "normal" much, MUCH better.




FNCJ

FNCJ, you are so right. I wanted to believe that my life will return to "normal", meaning my good old days, but like you said, it is like being raped... I will never have the same kind of innocent belief in M anymore... it is sad, but I will never be THAT naive.

I am glad to know that you are in a much much better place now. I hope I will get ther too soon. I do not want to become a bitter person b/c of my divorce. I do, though, still hope that one day STBXH will wake up and feel so bad about what he has done. Not that it will change our history or "undo" the hurt and damage he caused to me and our little son, but I would feel better, I know that. Then again, I should not hold my breath... He is long GONE and may never wake up in the end.

CJ,

You are right... I don't have a victim mentality but I keep thinking over and over, what could I have done to prevent this??? And I am sure victim of abuse, rape, assualt all feel the same when when many times there isn't anything they could have done. I did everything I could to be the husband she wanted - the rest was up to her.

People tell me I don't know what normal is in a relationship. She had 3 emotional affairs in 10 years and then a physical one - that isn't normal but it is all I knew.

I am still seeing the person I told you about in the dating forum. After we really got to know each other, we found we are both still hurting from our divorces. She actually got in a rebound relationship and was hurt very bad in it. Anyway, we have really connected in supporting each other and both agree we don't want anything serious from each other yet. However, we are leaving the door open.... I like it that way for now.

Keith

I also believe that it never gets back to the "normal" we once had. Our lives have been changed forever...and at times it still causes me a lot of sadness. We are all ( me and my 4 children) still affected by my ex-spouse's desertion. Life isn't normal right now. I am raising the kids alone, we are struggling financially, three of us are in college and trying to survive that...and our family is broken up. It is sad. We are moving on...but the ramifications of the divorce are still felt everyday.

I was hoping we would be back to "normal" by now too...but the reality is...that won't ever be. Pat

I don't know about the "normal" thing, but I do know that eventually, you will find peace and contentment, again. We're all different, when it comes to time frames, but just knowing the day will come, can bring comfort.

I'm glad you're dating, and beginning to take the first steps in living, again. It's very wise of you and your new friend, to take things slow. You're doing GREAT!!

Hang in there, it does get better! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I agree with all those who said we never return to the "old normal", but we can still find peace and contentment in the present (even without a new relationship). In truth, my "old normal" wasn't that normal, except to me. It was more habitual than normal.

I had a realization recently that this is really the best time in my life. I'm more financially independent and self-assured than I've ever been before - even despite the extra pounds, gray hair, wrinkles, and doubts about ever finding another relationship at my age and where I live.

The reality is, this is the only time I have. I can't relive the past and the future is unknown. Being a cancer survivor just emphasizes this last point for me. Abraham Lincoln said we're about as happy as we make up our minds to be and I've chosen to be happy and contented, even though I still have plenty to complain or feel sorry for myself about, if that's what I choose to do.

How much time does it take? My WH left 12/00 and we ended contact on 5/02. I also got in a rebound relationship that ended almost a year ago, though we've remained friendly. In a nutshell, it's taken me a lot longer than I would've thought I could bear.

I ran into MOW's XH today in the grocery store with his new wife and 6 week old baby! He's very happy and doing well. In fact both he and I seem to be doing better than WH and OW (former MOW)!

I don't know anyone personally whose husband left them after a long marriage. I remember my sister saying shortly after my H left 7 years ago that in another ten years many of my friends would have gotten divorced - well, they had better hurry up if they are going to, because they are all still married. However, most of the people I know whose spouses died after a long marriage have definitely never found anything approaching peace and contentment. They talk about their late spouses with such sadness that it makes me want to cry - both because they miss them so much and also because it must be nice to have gone through life without having it shattered by betrayal by the person you thought you could trust with your life.

My life will never be the same, but in truth, that isn't all bad. I loved my H despite his alcoholism, drug addiction, verbal abusiveness, and infidelity, but I didn't love myself much. I started going to Al-Anon early in our relationship, over 20 years ago, but it became one of my lifelines, along with MB, after he left 5 years ago.

Today, one of my Al-Anon daily readers said:

"I pray to accept, with a serene mind, the things I cannot change, knowing it is futile to be obstinate about the inevitable. I pray to be resolute to take action in things that must be changed."

LetSTry,

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. The alcohol, drugs, verbal abuse and infidelity. I, too, went to Al-Anon, and that is what woke me up, and helped me to decide what I needed to do, which ended up being divorce. It's been 11 years now, and I still don't regret it. And I don't hate him, either. He has changed, alot. We are friends now, and I wish him well. But I am happy with my life now, the way it is.

Take Care...Jennifer

Thanks for all the good posts. Yes, it will not get back to "normal" and I guess I should not want it to. The marraige wasn't very normal. One thing I do know in looking back, she was not a very happy person with anything or for that fact, anyone.

Hope everyone that posted had a good weekend....

Keith

Keith,

Hope you had a good weekend as well! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer

Keith, After a lifetime of looking to others (parents, friends, boyfriends, husband,kids) to make me happy, the hardest part of divorce is realizing I'm the only one who can determine my own happiness. It's habitual for me to fantasize about someone else making me happy - my WH turning his life around or a new relationship without the all the baggage - as well as to figure out what I think others "should" do to be happy, rather than to figure it out and then do it for myself.