Hi. I was hoping someone could help me out with this. We were planning on no contact but I'm still full of questions. What I really want is to be able to put this behind us. I want us to go on with our lives and start over with just the money gone from his account. I am worried this won't be possible though. I was wondering to those who had no contact if you were truly able to put it behind you or if there are still constant battles going on in court or otherwise with OW.

I am just so scared about starting out a marriage like this. I love him and I want to be with him but only if we can put this behind us and start over. I know it will never be like it was but it is important to be able to start over without this constantly overhead.

Also, although my BF was "sure" about no contact, now he says he is confused. He said this after he spoke with his mother who proceeded to make him feel like a terrible person. She said she felt like the kid was an extension of him and she wanted to have C although she would not if BF decided he was not going to. This made him feel very guilty. Now he is unsure. I told him that I am affraid he is unsure because of her and not because it's what he wants to do and that he wants NC because of me. I don't think he's truly thinking about what he wants. I also told him that HE is the one that has to live with this decision so it has to come from HIM and not out of guilt.

So in all of this my question is, did your H/BF have a hard time deciding between C and NC or was it an easy decision? Were you affraid that he would change his mind later? Did he go through the moral question "am I a bad person if I have NC"? I worry that if this is such a hard decision for him, it means that deep down he wants to see the kid but maybe this is normal, I don't know. He says he doesn't and that he is just affraid of what other people will say and that other people will say he is a bad person. I don't know.

Anyway, can anyone please share their story of how they arrived at the NC decision etc? Also, does anyone know if a court appearance is required for establishment of CS or can it be done through correspondance?

Thanks to anyone who can help me out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We have decided on NC. Tho we are just now beginng down the road. And I do believe that the decision has to be his and his only can I think that he feels sort of forced into NC that then he will sneak behind your back about seeing the OC or it will ruin your M.


I always waited till i was in a calm mood about it, not mad or upset so that he would know I was meaning what I said. H said NC right away. But I had to make sure that is what he really wanted or was he just saying it out of fear of losing me. I took a deep breathe and swolled all my pride and hurt and pointed out everything to him, Yes, tho I never told him at first, I was thrilled to death with his decision. With my heart pounding I felt like I was trying to talk him into seeing the OC but like I told him I had to make sure and he needed to make sure that it was his decision, cause I didnt want years to go and he blamed me for not being in his child life. I made sure he knew he could see OC the only thing i asked that he had NC with the OW, that maybe we could pick up the OC from the GP or something.

But he did feel it was best that we have NC and I do agree with that, and we shouldnt feel bad about it, women have for years decided to keep their C or give them up for adoption, and to us it is like that we gave it up for adoption. It eats me up sometimes that the OW will raise the OC telling it that her dad was a deadbeat dad a low life.... and all that and that his married wife was real
@*&%$ and would not let your dad in your life, which none of it is true, instead of the truth, that did something really wrong. I just pray that when the OC grows that it will understand why we made our decision.

Yes, i fear that my H will change his mind, will we run into them uptown somewhere and it will pull at his paternal strings that it is his C.....

But if it does happen that I then will have my choice to make, continue making the M work or leaving. In some what I feel robbed we did not know there was going to be a C born so when I made the decsion to forgive my H I did not have that to consider in my decsion. But then it gave us time to really work on our M and to know that he does feel terriable about it. If he changes his mind in the future I will then have to make the decsion again, but I do believe that I will decide to stay as long as there is NC with the OW, at least for now anyways, that I am not ready for.

The only thing I have really put my foot down is for him to be completely honest with me, tell me how he is feeling, or if the OW contacts him in any way, if he happens to see them across walmart, or even if he even runs into someone that he use to work with and knows her and they even bring up the OC in the conversation.

I told him just 2 weeks ago that I am happy with his decsion, but it is important to me that he be completely honest with me, lieing to me will probably end the M but if he is honest then tell me and trust me enough to make the right decsion.

And about CS yes I would go to court for sure, dad's are already getting raked over the coals, but he needs to go and at least try and stand up for himself, if he dont go then it will basically go OW way (which I see it goes that way anyways) But I do feel that he does need to be there

Hi! Thank you for your replies. I feel strongly that it should be his decision also, it just worries me that it is such a difficult one for him. It seems like most others are in your situation where the H makes the decision very easily. I wonder if this difficulty means that eventually he will decide to see the kid and will drag me along for god knows how long until he finally decides <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Everyone misunderstands me when I ask that question regarding the courts lol. I don't mean can he miss the court date and not go...what I mean is, is a court date necessary? I don't mean can he just skip out on it. I don't know how CS works so I don't know if it is set up in a court room with a judge or if you can just sign a peace of paper and negotiate through lawyers. I have heard both things. And since they are in seperate states, I have heard it is easier to do it by correspondance rather than go to court but I don't know if that is possible.

Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

C or NC is a very difficult decision. We too are in the early stages of NC. I think it's normal and human for anyone to revisit the decision...it's not made easily. I don't think your life is ever really back, it's definetly changed forever. There will always be a child in this world that belongs to your H, that was created during your marriage. It's hard. Your BF is going through alot. Let him go through it, but make sure that all decisions that he makes are just that...his decision, not yours or his mother's. He will have to live with whatever he decides. This way it is never thrown back in your face.

I'm a newbie with NC, but we have not had any issues with the OW yet. We haven't even taken the paternity test...we're waiting.

Will We Recover -
ABout the court stuff, here is what we did. Prior to OC being born we obtained a lawyer. We proactively paid for and scheduled the paternity test so that when OC was born he could be tested immediately --- OW went along w/it since she had most to gain($$$$$$) by OC being H and that we were willing to pay for it. When OC paternity was established, H lawyer drew up papers for CS and visitation - pretty standard according to state law. H signed. Lawyer contacted OW to have her come read paperwork and/or bring her attorney. OW signed them. Then on assigned court date lawyer and either OW or H had to appear before judge just to verify agreement on settlement. It was very simple - no big drawn out scene. I think the key in our case was H took first steps had everything laid out and OW didn't have a target to fight with. H was fair about the whole thing from the beginning and OW accepted his offer.If we had waited and let her "get the ball rolling" and put ourselves in a defensive position I really believe we would have come out much worse.

It depends on what state you are in..I think.

We are in the same state but in different counties than this woman.

Although SHE filed for CS where she lived, it was transfered over to the CS recovery center in our area.
H contacted them on many occasions before DNA was set up..as well as I, course that was after many attempts of no one wanting to talk to me because "it was none of my business."

They set up the time for the DNA testing. At DNA time, they gave my H an estimate for the amount of CS he would pay a month.

When results came back positive, We did contact a lawyer.

We showed him all of our paperwork and all....and he thought that the offer made from CSR was good and fair and to take it. We could pay him the retainer fee, just for him to go do the same thing....so H just did it himself.

We left the lawyer's office and went straight to the CSR center and set up everything.

CS is taken out of H check and gone straight to CSR. From there they issue her a check, so we continue with the NC and we have a running record of the transactions.

***********
There are several reasons for NC. H came to the decision after seeking advice from our minister, our therapist, the lawyer, and our family. With the way our situation is and the way she went about it.....this woman erased all moral obligation.

Larabell
I hear you on there about CS saying it was none of your business, the first time I called lol I tried to explain that my H did not have access to phone, that on his job he worked 8 hours straight, he was not able to have no 15 minute break or he didn't even get a lunch break. (Besides I wanted to tell her he was my husband his busniess was my bussiness)

So what we did was he wrote out a letter and sent it to CSO and the courts stating that he gave me permission to talk about anything and everything concerning his case and to be able to make any decision to anything that arises. He then signed it and dated it and took that in so that took care of that problem.

tryingtomakeitwork & Larabell,

So your H never had to go to court with OW (i.e. they never had to be in the same room?) In my case they are in two seperate states (not sure if I already mentioned that) so I am hoping they won't have to see each other. Thanks for sharing your stories!

No my H and OW never came face to face in court or even the lawyer's office. At the time all of this was being down we lived in a different state than the OW.

It doesn't have to be a face to face courtroom drama but it all depends on the people involved. In our case, H was proactive and left her in a position of take the offer or hire her own lawyer and go after what she thought she deserved. Our OW did not spend one penny toward legal fees and/or DNA testing -- In the beginning that really pi**ed me off but now I realize it was to our advantage. We were fair and she knew that and took it. The End.

I know others on here that have OW that really wanted to fight them so what we did wouldn't have worked in their sitch.

I believe that it is in the best interest of the H or BF to take the first steps and not wait to be out on the defensive by the OW.

Well, I'm glad to hear that it is possible at least to have NC w/OW even during these proceedings. So I figure we can offer her 50% of everything and no more and hope that she takes it. She already has a lawyer so I don't know if she will take it or not.

50% of everything??? SLOW DOWN. CHeck out the state divorce/CS laws where you live. Ours is nowhere near that.

In our state(TX), the % for 1 child was about 14% of H income(only H counts - I could make whatever I wanted and it doesn't count . . . of course I don't though because I am a SAHM) and H provides insurance (OW pays copays).

Consult a lawyer - find out what the law requires - google search child support in your state - get informed of the facts - don't assume that 50% is fair. In most cases it isn't.

no no no. I meant 50% of childcare etc. In other words, we don't want him to end up paying 100% of the OC's healthcare. He should be responsible for 50% just like her and no more etc. Not 50% of his income!

So what % of income are you going to propose?

50% of expenses isn't usually the way child support works. Most states require a % of income and health insurance be provided for the child. Childcare expenses are the negotiable one. Like in our case, the $ she recieves monthly it is up to her how she spends it - clothing,food,childcare but I know many on here that in addition to a % of income and healthcare also have to pay 50% of childcare.

I am not trying to scare you but I don't want you to be blindsided -- you really need to read about your state and OW state and see what the law says it is going to cost you. Even though this is not a divorce sitch, most of these cases are calculated by the courts as if they were.

Please read up on the laws and know what they say - knowledge is power.

Yes we have already started reading. It looks like according to a CS calculator I found (for her state), that it is going to be about 23% of his income. This is if he pays nothing extra (day care, health care etc). But I have been warned to be careful because sometimes they will take that amount and add day care and health care to it. So, do you think it is best to just propose a number and see if she will take it?

Glad to hear you've done our homework! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think whatever you decide to offer is fine (as long as it is in accordance with the state law) - just be sure it is spelled out to the letter exactly what you are covering.

The truth is regardless of how it is calculated CS sucks in the beginning. It use to infuriate me each month when she would get that CS money - especially considering within the first three months she bought a 2006 loaded suv and I drive a 1998 van!!! But as this year has passed, the missing $ no longer bothers me. It is taken directly from H check so we never even see it. As far as her and her car - well, each night as I lay in bed with my H in my house with our children I think I would rather have this than be able to finance my new car because I got myself pregnant by a MM!!

As a joke, I asked H if perhaps we should OC rims for his first birthday since his $$$ bought his mom a car!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I have tried to post concerning our NC sitch and how that all occured but everytime I do (and it is long) this stupid thing clicks screens and I loose it. If you would like to give me your email I'd be glad write and tell you all the scoop on our NC sitch. (I can't post mine on here because it is my full name and I would rather not put that out there)

Hang in there and keep posting.

In some states (mine included) the amount of child support has to be at least the amount set by state guidelines. So, if the two parties agree on a number, it can only be equal to or greater than what the noncustodial parent would have paid anyway. In this state, if your bf and the xOW agreed and he paid the agreed-upon amount for three or four years, she could still take him to court later and get compensated for what he shorted her for those years. Please check the laws for your state and see if that holds true in those as well.

I say call a few lawyers in your area. They can give you the best advice....and where to go from there.

Sometimes proposing a money sum to the woman doesn't matter when she goes thru the Child Support system. If you can catch her early and she is stupid, then it might just work for you...but its highly unlikely.

You will hear it from others on this board..but its oh so true.....
DO ALL THINGS LEGALLY
...so nothing comes back and bites you in the A** later.

***********************
I was an investigator in our case...so to speak. I called everyone...talked to everyone...tried to fill myself with enough knowledge and information to keep from driving myself crazy.
Just remember you never have to tell them who you really are.....just get the info that you need, however you need to get it. You may get hung-up on but enough tries and some helpful soul will come through.
Just my two cents worth.

Thanks everyone for the responses!

tryingtomakeitwork,

my e-mail is completecompassion@bluebottle.com


I was wondering, did all of you have kids before the A? It is really hard for me to accept that this will be his first child. I was just wondering if anyone else was in the same situation. I've even caught myself thinking how I want to get pregnant ASAP even though I know it isn't a good idea right now. It's crazy I know but it keeps creeping into my mind. I don't want her to share something with him that I don't share with him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Sometimes I just think there is no light at the end of the tunnel and I'm always going to feel this pain and I'm always going to be angry and how much I don't want to start out a marriage like this (*if* we do get married...). : sigh :

WWR

I'm probably going to get bashed big time for this, but here goes.

You're a young woman and have your whole life ahead of you. You're not married yet. I believe the last statistics I aaw is that a marriage has only a 60% chance of surviving and that's those that start under the best of circumstances.

PLEASE don't let your heart stand in the way of what you really might realize is not going to work and have doubts about - - that is marriage.

And PLEASEEEEE don't bring any children into this. I know that's a normal feeling - - wanting children (heck at my age I thought the same thing for fleeting moment), then thank god reality set in.

If indeed you get through this and marry, you need time to heal and get yourselves established etc. etc. before considering children. There's plenty of time for children.


I'm sorry for your pain and know it's not any less than those of us that have been married for years and years.