My 15 year old daughter is in a show at school. & am today she tells me I have to put an ad in the program and it's due today, of course. She went and continued to get ready for school. I called cheating hubby and explained and asked if he wished to have his name in the ad. Did I mention that Mr. Anti-technology got a cell phone? Well, any way, I called the cell and no answer, no voice mail, nothing. He called me back and said he didn't hear the phone cause it was in the other room. We start discussing the ad and I hear this sound, it's a cell phone ringing. I say what's that, your cell phone? He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about but it got louder and I could tell that he was checking it. So in the midst of out discussion about our daughter's ad, he says sorry I have to call you back and hangs up. I was fuming. Ten mins later he called back and said ok so about that ad. I said forget it I handled it and hung up.

I took daughter to school and on the way home I was thinking and got even more angry. Through this entire thing I have maintained my composure but not this time. I called him back. He answered, I was crying, and I said when are you filing for divorce I can't do this any more. I'm tired of you hurting me and the kids. He acted confused and said what are you talking about. I screamed at him I know that was your girlfriend on the cell phone. He didn't deny it. Then I screamed why is she more important than your daughter and he said that's not true. I flipped out screaming at him, calling him names, telling him daughter was better off without him in her life because he is a rotten father. It wasn't pretty. I called him a few more choice names and hung up on him.

Now what? I swear I'm losing it. Every day it seems more and more real and I don't know how to handle it. I feel like I'm breaking into pieces.

IAMlost, I know that you feel angry, but when you unload on him like that, you are shooting yourself in the foot and helping the OW. It doesn't hurt him half as much as it hurts YOU. Lovebusters HELP the OW, because they make her look good in comparison. Just remind yourself of that the next time you want to let him have it. And then just come here and unload on us.

In Plan A, the goal is to attract him back by avoiding lovebusters and doing your best to meet his needs. This will confuse him because he is hoping and expecting that you will be angry with him. That will help him justify the affair. When you are angry with him, he uses this as ammunition to justify his affair.

When you aren't angry with him, he has no ammunition and is left to ponder the wisdom of his actions. And when this causes confusion, it also causes conflict in his affair. But the OW doesn't have benefit of this program so she starts lovebusting when the inevitable conflict sets in.

So, please try and calm down. Come here and vent to us, ok?

Thanks Melody. I know my reaction was wrong but it was honest if nothing else. I have been trying so hard. I've been putting aside my feelings for my daughters sake and being strong. This just did me in. How dare he put that lying, cheating snake before our daughter. I'm still so angry. He is supposed to come here tonight to get papers for taxes and pick up some bills. I don't know how I'm even going to be able to look at him. Until now the ow was just a name and a thought now she's real.

My hubby just called. He said he doesn't want to fight and he's sorry for upsetting me and again, totally denied an OW but wouldn't tell me who was on his phone. If there's nothing to hide, then hide nothing.

He used to have this way of "talking me down" when I was upset. Just the calmness in his voice was so soothing that I always got calm and felt so safe with his arms around me. I was upset on the phone and he said "just listen to my voice and calm down" and I flipped again. I said I can't because it's the same voice that told me you're leaving me. I'm really in a bad way here

We all did it. Some more than others, but none of us (that I know of) didn't lapse into some version of what you described.

Consider yourself normal.

Now consider this: when he comes over this evening, apologize to him for losing your temper. Don't apologize for having your feelings, but for expressing them in the way you did. "I felt very angry and I felt you were putting our daughter in a secondary position (DO NOT mention OW) and the mistake I made was allowing emotion to distract from my communication."

Does this make sense?

WAT

Iamsolost,

I know how much you are hurting right now and you have that right. But as hard as this may be you have to try and stay calm.

As hard as we try sometimes our emotions take over and we say things we regret. All is not lost, its another bump in the road and you will get past it.

Take the day and do something for you. Try and let this go for now. I know easier said than done but you have to try even if only for a few hours.

We are here for you to vent, cry or just a shoulder to lean on. This will get better i promise you that. I used to think when people told me that they were crazy. How could it get better my world fell apart, I was lost and alone. But you know what it does get better. You become stronger and the fear lessens a little each day.

Don't answer any more calls from him to day just let it go....


Prayers to you,

Hurting

Thanks WAT. It makes perfect sense and I hope I can do it. Apologizing is easy, leaving the ow out is the hard part.

hurting thank you. you are always so supportive and I know you are going through a lot yourself. thanks for the advice. I know it will get better but getting to that point is just so damn hard.

I know it is hard, DAMN HARD! However, being "honest" will not help you now! Please bite your tongue and remember who you are REALLY helping when you indulge in your - rightfully - angry feelings. You are helping the OW!!

And this not the help-the-hobag program, Iam!! We are trying to help you. And you must be shrewd and in contrl right now. Your marriage depends on it!

Iamsolost,
I know its hard to get through it. I still have days of it being very hard.

I think anyone who has gone through this has days they think they wll never make it.

I even see in some who are in recovery still having those days. Time is on our sides and it will do its job. God is on your side as well and his will, will be done.


Take Care,

Hurting

P.S. Mel is right, you have to try and keep your cool. It's a hard thing to do but its all you have on your side right now.

Let me tell you something I have yet to lose my temper or say anything in the way of a LB to my WH. I know he has been expecting it. In fact he has mentioned it to me many times. So even though we are going through this divorce thing he does remember somewhere in that fogged brain that I have been nothing but compassionate and loving while setting my boundries. And even if this goes down its something he will always remember. It will come to him when he lest expects it. You have to get yourself on the high road Iam, as hard as it may be.......

Lost,

I know I'm chiming in late here, but I'm gonna have to say that I don't completely feel that you LB'd. Yes, I agree that you did to a point, but there are times when exploding is what it takes to get through to another person. A soft whisper can be very loud at times, but an all out SCREAM can be heard pretty well, too.

I had an explosion a little over a month ago and it contained PURE VENOM. Not a shred of calmness came out of my mouth. But, guess what? She heard me. Things have been great for us and that's been nice.

I'm not saying that you should do what I did, but there are times when calmness just doesn't get the message through to the other person. It's like it takes a jolt for some and then they suddenly say, "Oh. That's what she meant."

Don't beat yourself up too much. Recompose yourself and try a calmer approach next time. Chances are he'll listen. He may not act like it, but he will most likely listen because of how loud you were last time.

Good luck

IAM, your biggest enemy right now are your emotions. Just keep this in mind. You are at a place where you desperately need to control them. I know this is hard, BUT IT CAN BE DONE!! And you must do it. Please try and focus on ways that you can best control your emotions around him. Remember: EMOTIONS ARE THE ENEMY! THEY WRECK YOUR STRATEGY TO GET YOUR H BACK!

Round 3 - I went for a drive just to get away for a while. Stopped at this really pretty spot that was sunny and not so cold. My cell rang it was my oldest daughter calling so i answered. I was wrong. It was hubby at oldest daughter's house. He was trying to be calm and tell me there is no OW that he just wasn't happy, never has been, you know the drill. I went ballistic again, screaming at him that he destroyed our family, that he promised me forever, that he promised my dying father to take care of us, that he was a pig would thinks with something other than his brain, how would his girlfriend like knowing all the SF that occurred during the 3 months he was "deciding". yeah, it wasn't pretty. I think I need a vacation.

sigh......... what are we going to do with you?

Refresh my memory. Who is this OW? Is she still in contact? Did you expose the affair?

he is the ow's boss. i exposed to everyone, including his family, her husband and his employers (who did nothing).

I know what I'm doing is totally the wrong thing and it's so unlike me that I think I'm scaring him. He said "listen honey calm down" and I screamed honey? honey? how dare you call me honey when you just left her. I know I have to get it together and I will.

ok, tell me how you exposed it at work? To whom? Have you contacted her parents? What about her children? Are you still in touch with her H?

Iam,

Please listen to Mel.

Sweetie , I know its hard but you have to calm down and regroup.

there is nothing more than most of us would like to do than rant and rave at our WS'S, but its counterproductive.

I think today you need not answer any more calls from him and just get yourself together.

Remember come here to vent not your WH......

I am praying for you Iam. You can do this ....


Hurting

My hubby works under a district manager. I emailed her, she replied so I know she received it. I also notified the director of sales and the human recources manager, also emails and also received replies from both. They told me company policy doesn't allow for relationships between co-workers and she would most likely be transferred. She is still with hubby at work. So much for policy.

This is her 3rd marriage and her hubby was angry and threw her out. He will no longer return my calls. She doesn't have custody of her kids and from what I understand, she doesn't see them. Marriage 1 and 2 also ended because of her cheating.

hurting thanks. I really am trying to avoid his calls which is probably why he went to my daughters to use her phone. It's so unlike me to scream and rant and carry on. I guess I just reached my breaking point. I'm ok now thanks. I promise to behave and do things right. Thanks for caring.

ok, here is what I suggest. Write a letter of exposure to the Director of Human Resources and cc all of the top management. Ask in the letter this question: "what do you intend on doing about it." Talk about the inherent problems with workplace sexual harrassment and point out that they are leaving themselves open to a lawsuit.

If you send this certified mail and cc all the other top management, they will be much less to IGNORE you, because if they do, they will have to ignore you in full public view, leaving themselves WIDE OPEN to scrutiny.

Can you locate her parents? Can you locate her children? How old are they?

What was her husband's response to your exposure?

Have you exposed to his parents and his other family members? What about close friends? Pastor at church?