On another thread you wrote:

It seems your choices are,

1. come clean with all concerned and start to sort out the mess, or

2. continue being lost and unsure - as well as continuing to live a lie.

There are no other options.

Please elaborate on the number and ages of all children swept up in this mess.

I have 2 children with H and one with OM. The two with my H are ten and four and the one with OM is six months. OM has three children with his W and one with me. OM children are seven, three, and almost two.

I know this sounds like rationalizing, but the A seems to be the only thing making my M bearable...

It's normal to believe you're in love with one another. That's why many affairs persist.

What does OM provide for you that your husband does not? Do you think your husband cannot provide these things?

Of the two options I proposed above, which makes the most sense? Which seems the more difficult? Which do you believe would require the most time to sustain?

WAT

That's a typical statement of someone in your situation. It IS rationalizing because you're arguing that something really bad can make something else bad, feel less bad.

Your marriage very probably has problems that both you and your husband contributed to.

Your affair is a drug that permits you to "endure" your unhappy marriage. But this drug is not a cure and has become an addiction. You've painted yourself into a corner. Hence your feelings of being lost. Does it feel more like being trapped?

WAT

Are there ever any times where the OP truly is a better match than the H??

Chances are if you two left your spouses and got married, you or him one would be asking that same question again on down the road.

Reason states that the answer has to be yes. There must be examples where this is so.

But usually when affair partners think this is so is during the affair when the secrecy and excitement amplify the feelings.

Very often the affairees act on their conclusion and divorce their spouses and set up their lives with each other. Then the real challenge comes - maintaining the fire in the hum drum of everyday life. Statistics bear out that the success rates of these unions are dismal.

going back to the two options I originally proposed, I'll add a third that you ruled out (which is why I didn't add it to begin with):

3. Divorce your spouses and at least be honest from this point forward.

Prove the statistics wrong.

WAT

My cousin married her other man. She told everyone he was perfect for her, her true soulmate. She didn't tell everyone that they had an affair while they were both still married to others. And then came the fun of being suspicious every time he was late and the questions every time she was. Soon after started the resentment, on both sides, of mistrust. You see they each knew the other was a cheater, a liar, and sneaky. Soon they divorced. Is that a happily ever after?

I knew a man who was 85 when he died. He had left his wife and 3 kids for his affair partner. He told me that if he had it to do over again he would not have chosen that route. He not only lost the respect and a relationship of all his kids, he gained an angry, resentful OW to spend his the last half of his life with. He had a ton of regret. She wouldn't allow any visits from any of his family or relatives.

Best course I see would be for you to confess to your BS. If he still would like to remain married to you then end all contact for life with the OM and you and your husband raise your OC as though he is the bio-Dad...as he already it doing.

With work on both your parts, your marriage can be better and more fulfilling than it was before your affair. JMHO

Listen to WAT's sage observations and advice.

Well one question that I have to ask is how do you know for sure (100%) that the om is the father of the 6 month old? I mean did you get a secret paternity test with the om or were your husband like not having sex the whole month or month before you got pregnant?

Another thing that you have to consider is whether or not to tell the child that the father that is not really the father. Dr. Harley recommends that you tell the child who the real father is. Now of course this OC is only 6 months old but down the road what happends when the child is 5 years old and your still married and haven't confessed about the affair?

You really havn't given us here a lot of information about the events leading up to your affair. Was your marriage having serious problems before the affair happend?

I was wondering if you have read this article yet? If you haven't please do read this link.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Ultimately, despite best efforts to keep it a secret, the truth of who fathered the child will be revealed - or at least the truth that the husband is not the father.

Sooner or later it will happen.

The drip, drip, drip of suspicions will mount.

Family will notice different resemblences as the child grows. Shorter, taller, hair color, eye color - heck, what's the blood type? In the extreme, I hope this child doesn't have to get matched for a bone marrow transplant. Biological siblings are always the first choices and this won't even be close.

Here's the best solution IMHO from the little information presented: End the affair. Period. Both affairees come clean with their spouses. Hope that their strength, integrity, and value of family motivates them to rebuild the marriages.

WAT

I do so appreciate the feedback; it is most helpful. As for some answers to various questions: the events leading up to the A. My M has been in trouble for some time. My H is a wonderful father but is not warm or loving toward me. He is not very emotionally expressive. On the other hand, I have really lacked sexual desire for him and have tremendously neglected that area. As for knowing who the father of the OC is: I didn't have sex with my husband for the month preceding.

sfjaj, not sure I understand how your H thinks the OC is his if you did not have sf leading up to conception. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Chicken or egg?

Takes two to tango.

Have you considered treating your husband the way you treat OM?

What was that Bruce Springsteen said - can't start a fire without a spark?

WAT

Let your H know the truth about his life. It is very disrespectful of him to carry on this charade.

If your H chooses to rebuild your marriage he can learn to meet your needs and you his. The Marriage Builder's program can work to help you achieve a wonderful marriage with your H and keep your family intact which would be best for all concerned.

You can regain your personal integrity and have more joy than this affair will ever bring you. The affair is doomed to cause destruction and grief if you allow it to continue.

It is wonderful that you are here and that you have the courage to ask questions of us as well as yourself.

Stick around and keep learning.

Faithful, I am embarrassed to admit that I had sex with my H immediately after learning of my P, in order to cover it up. Trix, I had to wince when I read your comment about disrespecting my H by carrying on with lies. I have convinced myself that it wasn't hurting him because I haven't left him and the A seemed to HELP me stay. Viewing it in writing makes me question the logic of my conclusions.

If Trixie's words helped, try these:

You are being totally selfish.

Not only are you hurting yourself, your husband and the other two adults in this, your actions amount to abuse of your children and the other couple's children.

Astonishingly selfish and disrespectful to all.

This will all unravel despite your best efforts. You can choose to have it unravel in the least damaging way possible, or in the worst way. Doing nothing and just waiting for the bomb to drop is the worst way. It will drop. Count on it.

WAT

thank you for your words, i needed to hear them

sfjaj, although I don't have an OC by the xOM I hid my A from my H for many years. He eventually found out and more damage was done from my years of hiding what I had done than the A itself. The walls I had to put up and the inability to ever truly open up to him caused further damage to my M. At the time of my A I actually had a "counselor" tell me that A's can be "good" for some marriages. That was all the justification I needed. <gag>

I regret every lie, every moment of my A and the years lost as well as the hole burned into my soul from the lies.