None of us can put into words specifically what you ought to do to start resolving this mess - but we're confident that continuing in your present state is very likely the worst choice. I bet you agree or else you wouldn't have come here in the first place.

Nor we will pretend that any of this is going to be easy. Hardly.

Perhaps you should seek professional advice as to how best to go about taking the next steps. The Marriage Builders counselors would be a good place to start. You may also get advice from peers on the Pregnancy/Child forum here.

WAT

WAT, I guess you are correct in that I wouldn't have ventured into this website if it hadn't been on my mind. How do I contact The Marriage Builders counselors, via email? Any recommendation on whether I should contact them before I make any more moves within my M?

Very good.

Click on "Counseling Center" at the top of the page.

I can personally vouch for their professionalism.

If you are willing to seek their assistance, I suggest you have one appointment first before making any moves with your husband. You will get advice on how best to take this important step.

That said, I strongly recommend you TODAY, RIGHT NOW resolve to end the affair and cease routine contact with your OM. This is a no brainer and is an intuitive affair ending step.

Keep reading here and understand that your withdrawal from the affair is difficult, but normal and predictable.

I am a male betrayed (former) spouse, hence I'm the "opposite" of you and obviously not the best here to advise you on the aspects of withdrawing.

Please do this: start your own new thread seeking advise on this aspect from former wayward wives. You will get compassionate help.

WAT

sfaj,

I have to disagree with the statement of ending contact with OM IF the following set of conditions exist....

The existence of the OC will be a big pill for your husband to swallow.

If you feel that ending the A with the OM will prompt him to spill the beans about the OC to your husband, that would be bad.

You know the OM better than any of us. And I can say that finding out about the OC from anyone else but you will be a painful blow for your husband.

WAT's point is VERY valid, the A needs to end. But in this case, my VHO is that YOU need to make sure that order of events is 1) Come clean with H on OC, 2) End the A.

And in WAT's correct statement that the A needs to end as soon as possible, H's knowledge of OC must be even sooner.

If we look at your situation, you must understand that your actions have severely lowered your chances of a happy M with your H. There are many success stories here where marriages were repaired and wound up even stronger. But that is NOT the majority. I am not saying it is not worth the effort, most good things are.

But at this point, there is now a child to be protected.

Let's look at the "worst case" scenario in light of protecting that child. Without knowing your husband, I will assume he is of poor character and nature, given the fact that you "needed" an affair to stomach your marriage. If this man is of such poor character (remember, we are worst casing this), what might his reaction be if it becomes known that this is NOT his child at the age of 13?

A pivotal age in child development, to then be utterly rejected by dad... It is a possibility.

So the question to YOU is - what can you do?

Tell H as soon as possible about OC.

If that ends your marriage, well you have to lie in the bed you made. But OC will have best options. It is NO LONGER about you. Best options being perhaps OM family will raise it. Or you can put OC up for adoption.

But it is WRONG to force husband into the choice of doing the right thing by deceiving him until some later date. If you think he is distant now, imagine his resentment should he find out this news after raising OC for 10 years.

Your choices now MUST be driven by providing the best chance for the OC. Yours are secondary.

NCWalker

I don't think there's much - if any - disagreement between NCW and I.

Your sitch involving the "other child" makes it unlikely that complete contact with OM can be severed in the "normal" affair ending way. This is why I said "routine contact." Stop the routine. You don't even have to tell OM what you're thinking. Indeed, DON'T TELL HIM what you're considering. If you suddenly announced to OM that "it's over," hard to predict what he'll do. One thing for sure he will do - try to talk you out of ending ANYTHING with him.

For all these reasons and the reasons NCW raises - this is why I recommended professional help right away.

BTW - NCW, mail me again. Your prior messages are on my other computer and I don't have your address handy.

WAT

Everyone: thank you for the responses. I am going to contact the counselor link. I don't think breaking routine contact will be a problem because the OM and I have always agreed that we would respect one another's decisions in that. The OC connection does complicate that, but the MOM and I also agreed that he would not be a formal part of her life. I guess I need to act upon what I know to be right

So proud of you sfjaj! Keep us posted and remember that withdrawl is not easy nor is dealing with the pain of the BS but you CAN do this for you and your children.

Good girl.

You can count on good support from this forum as you proceed.

In anticipation of having an appointment with one of the counselors, get hot reading all the background information on this site so you won't be wasting time having this spoon fed to you on your dime. Your knowledge of the background information will be assessed by the counselor right off the bat. Ask questions here for things that need further clarification. Hint: this is not rocket surgery. It's all very straightforward.

WAT

sfjaj - I see you posting on others' threads. How are you doing?

WAT

Not ignoring me, are you?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
WAT
-----------------
Always leave room to gybe, in case a tack fails.

I'm sorry, no I'm not...I followed advice, and it has been a difficult road. The withdrawal has been MUCH more difficult than expected, but my H wants to work on the M. I consider myself very fortunate for that. I have not broken my NC; when I feel myself wavering, I log on here. :-) or call my H. The OC has been more difficult for him to accept, but he has grown to love her, and we will raise her as ours. When I wonder if I made the right decision, I look at my wonderful H who is sticking by me despite my dumb choices!

You sound good.

I wish your family well.

It seems the right things to do are frequently the most difficult.

WAT

Thanks for the encouragement

sfjaj,

My wife thought she didn't love me like she loved the OM. Too many bad memories, too many arguments. Of course I couldn't compete with the chemical reaction and the fantasy of an A, so she thought what she felt for him was 'real love'.

After a year of dealing with her A and being in plan A I hugged my son and gave her one last kiss. I told her goodbye.

She lasted 20 minutes without me. She begged and pleaded, agreed to do anything. She called the OM and told him to never contact her again. She said this was true love, that of a real family that lives in reality and deals with life's ups and downs together. When I finally returned home she wouldn't let me out of her arms for hours.

Ask yourself this question that Harley once told me to ask my wife: Do you agree that the best outcome of this situation is that the parents of your children are in love with each other?

No rational person would say no to this. Harley describes how to find real love with your spouse, it's all spelled out for you. It is simply not possible as long as the OM is involved, however.

Underneath the fantasy of the A you had with the OM, it's very likely you will find true love for your husband. It took my wife the reality of losing me before she realized this, I hope you can find it without such trauma.

Good luck.

S - if you need me, shout. I may be able to give you some perspective of your wonderful husband's thinking. My Wookie has 2 OC by the same woman...we're still together.

Dumb choices can be forgiven by the way. Continuing dumbness sometimes can't.

Also, kids are kids. Some people can look at youn'uns and see them as the individuals they are. Some can't...looks like your dear husband can. YEA! Double blessings for you (HIM and the baby)!

Hugs,
Kimmy

Kimmy, thank you so much for that encouragement. I needed to hear that tonight. I don't look for any kudos for trying to do the right thing now; I should have begun long ago. But it does help when someone takes the time to give an encouraging word. My H adores this baby, and I have tears now just thinking about what that says about his character. Now the thought is -- how could I have missed that character and tried to find it in someone else?

People tend to overlook the obvious when it's always there (BOTH WS and BS do this). Only when the threat of losing what they always had stares at them in the face do they realize what is truly precious in their lives.

It's work S. For both of you...but it can be SO rewarding.

- Kimmy

PLEASE keep talking to me...you are incredibly helpful, and I am learning things in EACH of your posts! I am going to remember this each time I am tempted to break NC. It's really tough, but I know I must stick to it

STICK TO IT CHICA!

You can do it. If Wookie can do it, anyone can!

sfjaj, does OM's W know about the A and the OC? Did OM agree to NC with OC? He is ok with your H raising OC as his own or is he going to fight you on paternity?

As far as NC goes. One minute, one hour, one day at a time. Call your H. Pick up a book. Find a way to distract yourself. What have you done to ensure NC? Did you change email, cell etc? Do you tell your H about any attempts that OM may make to contact you?