hello everyone! this will probably be a long post. don't really know where to start. my husband and i have been married for 11 years together 14. we have 3 children. our marriage has been a roller-coaster ride most of the time. the last year going on the down side till we are almost at the bottom. he is an alcoholic, workaholic and also has no money management skills. he commutes 2 hours to work and usually spends 2 nights a week in the town he works in. so when he does come home he usually leaves at 6 am and gets home at 8 pm. over a year ago i told him that i really needed more of his "time" and my feelings on this. when he is home on the weekends he always has a "project" to do so we still have no "time" for each other. i emailed him the page on this site that said you needed to spend at a minimum of 15 hours of undivided time with your spouse a week and his comment was "thats not in the real world" anyway on with what i need opinions/advice on.......a week and a half ago i found some viagra type pills in his truck(we have not had sex in over a month and a half)...confronted him about them and he said that he had bought them the night before and taken them for us. I had been gone the night before and got home at 9:30..he was in bed not asleep..i went and sat on top of him and said i wanted to watch the news i would be in bed in a little bit. never once did he touch me say he wanted to have sex or anything so i went and watched the news...about 10:15 i went to bed...he was still awake...he did not say goodnight kiss my bootie or anything so i am thinking that his story of taking them that night is false because if he had sex on his mind it seems he would of at least touched me in some sort of way. so when i confronted him about taking them he told me that was one way to get him pissed off is to accuse him of that. instead of saying no honey i would never do that to you he told me that he is not that stupid if he was cheating on me to leave evidence lying around like that. so needless to say we have not talked to each other in over a week. instead of him coming home 2 nights a week he is now coming home every night which i do not understand especially since we are not communicating why would he drive 2 hours home to a house filled with tension when he arrives?! i have talked to a couple of people and they said that the reason he is driving home now is because he is guilty of something and he is justifying it in his mind that he is doing the right thing by coming home and being with the family?! so if anyone has any comments/advice on this please let me know.

tlr,

First Welcome to Marriage Builders. As someone said to me a short time ago, sorry you have to be here. But being here at this stage is a GOOD THING! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I am a newbie can't say a whole lot but a lot of good people here will. I do suggest that you see the thread Spying 101 . Your husband has WAY too much time on his hands without anyone to monitor him. Your story sounds very suspicious to me to. Learn all you can now.

I would suggest that you read His Needs Her Needs (available everywhere including this website). Even if there is no affair, some Emotional Needs (ENs) are not being met.

C-

STOP THE BATTLE LINES NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

he is an alcoholic

is he actively drinking
what are the effects
have you been to ALANON..
if not get there THIS WEEK...

workaholic

do your speak your gratitude to a man who works hard for his family.....
do you speak your admiration ...



Don't tell your husband you want to spend more time with him

SHOW HIM.,....

create the exact type of warm loving home you yourself would want to come home to...

said i wanted to watch the news i would be in bed in a little bit. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />not very sexy is it..

do you iniate..
do you oooze desire for him...
do you reach out for and to him...
do you...??

so needless to say we have not talked to each other in over a week

no see NOT talking to your spouse...with-holding and turning away NEVER EVER EVER EVER solves anything..

NEVER>..

battle lines are drawn..
you two are completely focused on one upping and getting the other in control...

stop you participation in ALL of this
create a home that is loving
that is safe to share verbal and physical intimacy..
are you his soft place to land..or are you the battle field you each face..

why would he drive 2 hours home to a house filled with tension when he arrives?!

correct and if you want to NOT come home one night and then never again...keep this up.....

BUT if you want to be married and create a loving respectful partnership the work starts here at marraige builders...

your work..cause you are the one posting...

you need to find and fill your head with the things that you DO admire about your husband...
you need to remember all the GOOD things about him as a GOOD man...and build on those....

i have talked to a couple of people and they said that the reason he is driving home now is because he is guilty of something and he is justifying it in his mind that he is doing the right thing by coming home and being with the family

talk to your husband NOT other people....


put the kids to bed early and woo your man..
put the music on and dance with him in the kitchen while you boil water for spaghetti...

smile at him
love him
cherish him....

you two can either stay on the rollar coaster of rage and resentment...
OR you can change your life...

whatta ya think

ARK

It's impossible to say whether or not your H is engaged in an A. You would definately need more evidence--and the risk you run by confronting him prematurely is that if there is an A, you will drive it further underground. Read up on the spying--there are a lot of experienced people here in that department! IF you get the evidence of an affair, confront him then--expose to family/coworkers, etc--and follow Plan A.

UNTIL then--I echo Ark's wise advice. Work on making your home a peaceful and happy environment for you, your H, and your kids. Work on meeting his EN's. You make the changes you feel need to happen from your end, and then watch to see your H's change of attitude. Whether or not there is an A going on--this process will serve you well.

CSJ