I am not sure where to put my post, as it seems every day my marriage changes. I am in desperate need of help. I know this is a long post, but there is a lot of history that I think you need to know. Please, please- I need advice,

I am 34 h 34. We have 3 kids- 15, 12, and 8. We got pregnant at 18 and got married. My husbands Dad is a minister. We had many hard times. My home life growing up had many struggles and I had grown in to a very angry person. At 22, my brother committed suicide. I had just had my second child and was suffering through some postpartum depression. I ended up telling my h that I wanted a divorce. I just wanted to be happy.

We divorced in feb. 1994 and remarried in aug 1994. I thought we were very happy and so did he, but after awhile, I began being very controlling again. I was not aware of how unhappy he was. Two years ago, he suddenly announced that he wanted out of our marriage. I was shocked and begged him to stay. We went to counseling where the counselor told him he was sexually frustrated and we needed to work on our sex life. After 2 monthes of counseling he decided that he wanted our marriage to work. We bought a huge new home, two very expensive cars, went on some expensive family vacations and bought a boat. I thought things were going fine. He seemed to be pulling away, but had a lot of stress at work so I was not to concerned.

In November, I started catching him giving me alot of excuses. In early december, he had a work function. At the function, a girl from his company from another state would not leave me alone. I told my husband this and he said she was a friend and he thought we would really like each other. In to the night, when her husband went to their room to go to bed, she suddenly became very interested in my husband, not me. They had too much to drink, and were only associating with each other. As the night ended, we went up to our room, and my husband wanted to get lucky. I told him no, that he had really upset me how much attention he was paying to this girl. He said it was nothing, she was a very nice person, had lost everything in the hurricane and had just started in his industry and he thought she was very nice. All through Christmas, he pulled more and more away. Right before Christmas, he told me that he did not love me as his wife only the mother of his children. He had not been happy for a long time and didn't know that he wanted our marriage to work. He thought he wanted a seperation. I begged him to stay and give us some time.
The second week of January, things were not getting any better, He insisted that a seperation was the only thing that could work in is eyes. He had a business trip to LV planned the next week for 5 days. I suggested that he go to the trip, when he got home I would go visit a friend in Texas for 8 days and then see how he felt.
The day before he was supposed to come home from LV, I woke up vry early and decided to check his cell records- something I had nevr done before. I found that since October he had been spending hours a day on the phone with someone in New Orleans- you guessed it. My friend called the number and it was her. I mean 5-6 hours a day. Even calls on CHristmas. I had an appoinment with a counselor that day. I went, she told me to call him and tell him that if he thought there was any chance of saving our marriage, he needed to come home now. He did and we went to the counselor the next day. He swears that the girl and he were only friends, that yes he knew they were spending too much time on the phone, that they had said as much toeach other, but they were both going through rouygh times. SHe has four kids, the NO thing and her husband was still in NO working.
He said that he would cut off communicaton with her, but that was not the main problem in our marriage and he did not know if he wanted our marriage to work. He was tired of being a hen pecked husband, he made alot of money and was very powerful ato work, but nothing at home.

He wanted me to go ahead and go to Texas, he thought it would really help him. Two days into my trip, he called and told me that he thoguht I should come home. It was doing no one any good. He thought we could make our marriage work, but I needed to face my problems, get off antidepressants and build up my self esteem. He didn't knwo what I was facing in my past, but obviously something bad since brother commited suicide.
I was desperate to make my marriage work and admitted that my brother had sexually violated me alot during my child hood and that I was willing to face those issues. He said he would suport me.
I came home and we went to counseling. The next week, I checked his cell phone records and the calls from NO were gone but had been replaced by a number from our area. My friend called it and a woman answered- it was her. SHe is now living in our area working for my husband. His company offered to transfer her due to the hurricane. He said he did not tell me she was moving here because I was going through so much already and thought this would send me ovr the edge. He said he could not cut communication off because if he did not support her she could black widow him if he ever had to fire her. I called her and she agreed they were only friends and that they would keep com. business only.
We are getting no where. We have ups and downs but H says that he cannot trust that I will not try to control him again. He has alot of anger towards me. But, in the end he thinks our amrriage will work.
Now he has told me that he is no longer sexually attracted to me and only gets more mad at me when we have sex. He does not think that our marriage will work if he cannot get that back, but right now he is not sure he wants to get that back. He has been transferred, so he is no longer her boss and will start traveling tom. He thinks this will help him "miss" me like he used to and remind him how much he wants to be at home.

I am hurt and am not sure what to do. He is not trying to get those feelings back- so how will they come. I am frustrated and so sad.

Welcome to MB. it sure sounds like you need to be here.

If your husband is not involved in a Physical Affair, it seems he is inat least an Emotional Affair. If she is now living in his town and working for him, it seems that it might be getting close to moving into the physcial.

Read a lot on this site. You should also read Surviving an Affair and Not Just Friends.

No Contact is very important. If he wants to work on the relationship, he will need t find a way to get no contact. That may mean a job change for someone.

Read up on plan A. Do a search on the fourm for "the carrott and the stick of plan a"

Part of plan A is to break up the relationship. Exposure is a big part of that. You will want to expose to her husband and their work place. I know he probably has you scared about that, but you must do it. It will be hard. You can read posts by lots of people here who refused to expose at work and the affairs are still going on.

Keep reading and posting- read more than just the forums.

Hang in there- this is a rollercoaster ride that will go on and on.

He has to work on his anger - you discovered his EA and it had to stop, he says he feels powerless at home, and all the other grudges he has carried for years, time to get them off his cheast in some individual therapy.

When you have both done the EN work, he has dealt with his anger and you have dealt with your abuse and the pain from your marriage, things will work better. It is not at all unusual for men to find someone they are angry at unattractive sexually. It is like they feel they have been castrated - of course they usually have some responsibility for what has happened and the anger blinds them to it.

So do the emotional needs, get him to go to enger therapy and work it from there. The OW being so close is a problem as she is sooo understanding and if he calls her from an office, not his cell phone you will never know. I would make a friend of her so that you and she talk more than she and he do, best form of protection.

So that is my two penneth - of course the very best thing is for you and your husband to go to the MB Seminar in April.

Regards