Hello,
I have a wonderful friend who is in pain right now. We have been very close friends for a long time. Since my DDay in May of 05 she has been there for me. Our kids are best friends too.
Her WH just confessed last night to her. This was after her and I have discussed thier relationship, her asking me alot of questions, and researching. I knew in my heart that he was cheating on her. I told her yesterday that she should at least approach him with her unmet needs and see where he sits with his. To do it in an "I feel kinda way" She wrote it down, with my suggestions to not LB or DJ. To create an enviroment where he feels "safe" enough to tell him.
Well he did, and then immediately flew to see his MOW. She is in withdrawl, like I was. Her girls will be devastated. They have a great relationship with their dad.
I am hurting for her. Right now she wants a D. She is sick of trying and putting 100% into the M. She really has done that too. And now she is faced with a foggy, lying, cheating, hateful, alien.
I would like to know how to help her. She does not want to remained M and WH wants MOW in a big way. They of course are "soulmates".
I did not get this with my FWH. His selfish A ended before I knew the whole truth. He was guilty and sorry and wanted the M. I did not, but he keeps pushing. So I do not have a whole lot of experience with the foggy stuff.
I gave her the book surviving the A, with hopes she will see the light. They have been M 17 years, with 2 daughters 16 and 15.
Any ideas to help her would be appreciated.
JE

JE,

How awful!!! It's like the plague! As a newcomer, I don't have any words of wisdom, but hopefully she will find she is NOT alone at all (though it sometimes feels that way) and that she will get tons of support and care here.

Also, what is "DJ"?

A DJ is Disrespectful Judgement. It is a love buster. Check it out on LB on this website. It is amazing how much in life I have been guilty of that one. Not anymore, but sure was guilty.
JE

I'm really not a dork -- and I did read that, but I am very interested in what some of these might sound like. (Need not be specific to your personal situation.)

I, like you, was fortunate enough to have a FWH who was very sorry and wanted to work things out. Notwithstanding this, I was so ANGRY when I discovered the truth that I was on the verge of leaving him without giving him the chance. I looked at real estate that I could afford on my own, and started making preparations to end our marriage.

But then I looked at my girls. And I couldn't do it. It finally boiled down to this for me, and maybe this will help your friend. Years from now, when my girls are older, I knew I would need to make them understand why they had grown up in a broken home. How could I face them with the explanation that their dad had wanted to keep the family together, and that I had said, "No way--for this there is NO forgiveness." What would that teach my children?

I still experienced the whole run of emotions . . . resentment, anger, apathy, so many things. But I know I am doing the right thing to TRY. If my marriage fails--I owe it to my kids to be able to say "I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO SAVE OUR FAMILY."

Your friend is such a dark place right now--she is in my prayers. But ask her if she could tell her kids if she has done everything she can yet. If the answer to that question is yes, file for divorce with peace of mind. But if it is not, I think she will always have regrets that she didn't try. Her children deserve a chance at a whole family--even if her jerk of a husband doesn't.

CSJ

Well to me it was alot of this:
That my point of view was right, and he eventually would see that I was right and thank me. Very bad!! Now I state my opinion and wait for his. This works right into POJA stuff. You cant POJA if you DJ. We struggle with this one alot. Still work in progress for sure.
JE

I will try that. In her head she tells me she has done everything. The kids mean the world to her. She has been mom and dad for most of thier lives. Her WH is a truck driver and is home maybe 2 days a month. She has compensated. She acknowledges that is the big problem with the M, she put the kids first. I think most female BS do that. I did and know it, and dont think I would change that. Just maybe hiring a sitter when they were little once a week, but that is about it.
Thank you .
JE

Sounds like me. And, I would go overboard trying to prove my point -- research, cites and all. Gross--in hindsight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Yes and it doesnt work. Now you need to show that is in the past and respect her POV. Even if you disagree, you can agree to disagree.
JE