When my boys were with their father over Christmas break for two weeks they came home and announced they didn't hve to brush their teeth at daddy's house! OH KAY!!!! They also told me they had been watching Freddie and Jason and all that stuff! OH KAY!!!

This has been going on now for months...this past weekend they came home with the same clothes they had on when they left...no biggy, they always do...he has his own clothes for them and I have my clothes...not to mention I have given him a lot of extra clothes...

BUT, they smelled horrible and they were filthy...they told me they didn't have to take a bath over there...they wore the same clothes the whole weekend and they DID NOT BRUSH THEIR TEETH!!!!

OH KAY!!!!

Well, yesterday I took my DS's in for their dental checkups...DS7 has 3 cavities...count them...3 cavities!

The kid is plaqued with bad teeth and I have always had to take extra care of his mouth, but now he has 3 cavities...one of which has to be crowned!

I just dont know what to think of this anymore...He lets them watch horrible movies...he doesn't bath them...he doesn't tell them to brush their teeth...

I have told the boys that maybe they need to not rely on daddy to remind them, however to do it themselves...they say they forget...

What can I do...I document it and that is all I am doing as iof right now...

any suggestions? btw, XH and I do not talk...at all!

Yeah, I sort of think so but I doubt it is criminal. Poor parenting for sure. It might be a good idea for you to develop some dialogue with their dad - email counts.

Hi cin! He has blocked me from his email account...He told me at one point that I had no right to have his phone number and he would not give it to me. I have also been told NOT to call him at all because it upsets the OW and causes problems between them...

I dont like talking to him...there is no point to it...he argues withme about everything and ifI were to bring this up to him, he would no doubt yell at me and tell me to butt out of his time with his children and that he can do whatever he wants...

During our last court date I talked to him, right after he told me not to call him because it upsets the OW, I tld him that it wasridiculous...we are parents and we need to be abl to communicate...he is so screwed up that it was no poin in arguing with him...I left it at that and have not called him again...

I feel very bad for my children but there is nothing that can be done...unfortunately...MY lawyer just tells me to document italll and it will eventually catch up to him

That really is so sad. It is very poor parenting. What is he teaching them? Those boys need direction and guidance. It seems to me that you X has more interest in his relationship with OW rather than his own boys.

I hope after my D is final and I move out that I won't have to worry about these things but I am positive that I will. It's so sad that the children are the ones who really and truly have to pay the most. Just so sad.

Keep documenting things and your lawyer is right, it will eventually catch up with him. The hard thing is knowing that all you can do is stand there and let it happen. That there's nothing you can do about.

You and your boys are in my prayers.

Have a social worker pay a visit while he has your children and document the neglect. Work toward limited visitation at this point, until the DOCTOR learns to be a father. Maybe some remedial parenting classes will be prescribed??

This is the ticket. Brushing teeth is a hygenic habit that most kids resist habitually. They will forget...that is a fact.

If dad is not going to remind them or enforce this habit then they have to rely on themselves.

You can help even if you are not there. Send a personal brushing kit along with them. Try and make brushing fun. Get them some cool battery operated toothbrushes and some tasty toothpaste. It comes in some wild colors and flavors. Get them each there favorites. You could start with the little travel samples until they find one they like. Take them along and make a shopping trip of it. All about them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

They have to want to brush or it's not going to happen without parental enforcement. Make it fun but also teach them the consequences of not brushing. Cavities and crowns surely don't make for a pleasant visit to the dentist. If they understand the results of not brushing they may be more receptive to the idea of daily brushing.

You could also have them brush more often when they are with you. Twice a day vs once a day.

I don't think you need to call CPS just yet.

Well, the bathing and brushing teeth thing is certainly neglect.

Could you have your attorney send him a certified letter? I'm not sure how that stuff works exactly.

Definitions of Child Abuse and Neglect

Search your state statutes. I don't think you're likely to find scary movies, brushing teeth and bathing frequency but give it a shot.

Did you ever think that maybe he does this stuff because he knows it gets a rise out of you? You can't control how he parents when the kids are with him. Let it go. Choose your battles.

I don't think there is anything you can do to change him, and I believe documenting is good, but I also believe that trying to communicate on parenting issues should be attempted.
(You were married to my X who also is a non-communicator).
But, I do attempt for the kids sake. I fax information to X, and also questions, so I have proof I tried to communicate.
I don't get answers to basic stuff, but he can't say I didn't ask.
So, I would send a letter asking him for a business meeting to discuss some issues of concern with the children. In particular, X Y & Z. Give him a timeframe in which to respond, don't expect he will, but at least you will have tried for the benefit of your children.
(BTW have a friend edit your letter to make sure you've avoided DJs and other triggers).
Do what you feel is best for your kids, and know you can't control the other side.

According to my X and his GF, I feed my kids tootsie rolls for breakfast. And my kids have returned in very dirty clothes. So, consider the source.

MF4M,

HI! (waving) It's good to hear from you again here on MB--just sorry that it has to be about issues like this!

Okay, let me give you a dose of reality, sweetie. In the real world, "neglect" according to most law enforcement type agencies is going to be stuff like not feeding the kids for a week or making them sleep outside on the grass in winter...horror-story kinds of stuff. AND, not only does that level of neglect have to be going on, but it has to be PROVEN with EVIDENCE! So sadly it is highly unlikely that a state agency is going to look at the stuff the Doc is pulling as anything other than extremely poor parenting. In the real world, all a parent has to provide is food, shelter, and clothing...other than that, they are not legally required to be "good parents". However, just so you know, that is the MINIMUM requirement to avoid legal trouble.

Now, Miss MF4M...I would like to ask you to think about something. Think back to your whole marriage, the affair, and everything that has gone on. Is this attitude from the Doc pretty consistent with the way he has conducted himself all along? Has he not pretty much ALWAYS acted as if he can do things HIS WAY and like he is ABOVE THE LAW and does not need to listen to judges or court orders or even general good parenting standards? Has he not ALWAYS been mean, angry, and bitter--doing exactly what he wants, when he wants no matter who it harms?? (I realize that's a DJ btw.) The reason I'm asking you this is that from what I know of the man and from what I have seen in the past, the way he is behaving now is completely CONSISTENT with the way he has always behaved. Thus, this is who he is, MF4M...and it is a waste of energy to expect or even "hope" that he will be any different.

Remember when there was a time in your life when you began to see all the issues--and that some of the issues were HIS issues and not you at all?? Remember that? And before that you had tried EVERYTHING to "make" him be a better dad...be a better husband...be a better person...be a better man...end the affair--you tried everything in the book to force him to change or be better or be different. And then one day it dawned on you that you could not "make" him choose you, nor could you "make" him choose his family--that if he were going to choose you, HE had to do the choosing! Remember that?? Well it's the same here. Especially now that he is no longer married to you and is married to OW, you can not "make" him be a good parent. You can try all the tricks in the book, but you can not control his parenting...AND it seems to me that his lack of concern for his own children is 100% consistent with the man he has always been.

Sooooo...a more effective and efficient usage of your time and energy would be to accept that he IS going to be a bad father. That's just all there is to it! He IS going to be on the verge of neglectful--he IS going to be self-centered and spiteful--he IS going to harm them just to try to get to you...this is who he is! So, since you can not change him, why not work on supporting/encouraging/teaching your boys? One day your boys are going to have to make it on their own as grownups without you anyway...and they may very well choose to be 19yo's in college who only shower once-a-month (heehee)...but they are faced with having to take care of themselves NOW. So teach them. Give them tools to "remember" about brushing teeth--like a watch that beeps, or "before you get it bed you should smooth teeth" or some other memory trick THAT WORKS FOR THEM. Teach them how to remember their own pills -or- if dad ABSOLUTELY will not have the pills in his house, give the boys other tips that will help them self-soothe (for example, my son also has ADHD and we taught him to listen to slower music on headphones until he could calm down...or go into a darker corner to unwind...or drink a cup of black coffee on days he forgot his pill but needed the chemical assistance). See?? Accept that DOC is going to be a bad parent, and TEACH THE CHILDREN!

Next, I would recommend a documentation calendar. Do not nag, bug, and yell at the bad dad...just write it down on the calendar every day that he does not have the boys brush their teeth, take a shower or take their prescribed medication (or some other reasonable medical way of addressing the issue). Let's assume that he absolutely disagrees with giving his son a stimulant medication for ADHD--that's his perogative--however, then he would have some obligation to do something that IS within his belief to address ADHD (like maybe he believes in diet/sugar or in holistic medicine or SOMETHING). Does that make sense?? If he's doing NOTHING--document it. If he is doing something but you just disagree, you can document that too but at least he's addressing it in some way.

I document in my personal calendar (carried in my purse) the days that the other parent does not have any contact with the child, the days that teeth aren't brushed or shower given, the days that clothes aren't changed, the days when kids aren't taken to school, the days when other parent is drunk or high in front of the kids, etc. That way, when or if a custody issue were to come up, not only would I have the evidence of whatever occurence, but also I'd be able to document a pattern of neglect, abandonment and illegal activity involving the children. At this time, you will probably need to document for several months before you could go to an attorney, show a pattern, and have reasonable cause to request a change of custody.

So keep up the good fight, lady! You're doing well!!!



FNCJ