Well, I have accepted the fact that this child is coming very soon and my H wants C...so do our children (yes, he told them) when we are out and people see us with this baby..."I didn't know you were pregnant"....Uh, I wasn't. How do we respond? I mean, I don't want to lie but at the same time I don't want to give the ugly truth. Is there positive way of saying "this is my husband's child from an affair?" (We have been married for 13 years...there is no getting around that)

This is not the child's fault....Children are a gift from God but this is such a mess. I want to do the right thing for everyone but it is not easy. Any suggestions?

In the beginning we thought we were going to have contact and I had thought through this same question. This was the answer I came up with -

"Oh - this is my H baby, he/she lives with his/her Mom." smile and excuse myself from the person asking.


By the time the person stops and thinks through what I said and did the obvious math given the fact we were never divorced, I would not be standing there and I SERIOUSLY doubt anyone would be obnoxious enough to come back over and ask follow up questions. And if they were I would not be the fool! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Just my two cents . . .

Trying..

Your posts always make me smile..

Blessings,

Eibrab

Eibrab -

Glad to bring you a smile in such a crappy situation. Hope you have a GREAT day today!

Trying

This is the hardest part of C as far as I'm concerned. Most people don't ask questions as far as teachers, parents of children's friends, etc. As far as being in public, strangers assume she's ours. Here's a funny story though, once I was at my daughter's friends birthdya party. It was a pool party and I was in a bikini. I thought I made it through unscathed and as I was packing up to leave, one of the mother's said, "you sure look good for just having a baby!" In hind sight I would have said "thanks!" and walked away, knowing I'd never see them again. But it caught me off guard and I wanted to "practice" my answer, so I said "Oh, I didn't just have a baby, she's my step-daughter", dead silence and I turned around and walked away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> It IS hard and I think you just have to take it one incident at a time. I'm sure some of my daughter's friends and teachers are wondering who her "baby sister" is that she talks about and loves, but never sees with me. And I'm sure I will fill in her close friends' mothers when the time is right, but mostly people do just realize that there are all kinds of families and that you will "reveal" if you choose.

It used to make me more mad because I realized early on that the xOW was telling people that her good male friend was the father. She never had to explain except to whom she chose. People just assume her friend is the father, she's divorced or Dad isn't involved or something. I once saw her with a ring on her left ring finger as well.

Either way, you will probably have to explain at some point and if you just say it matter of fact and show that YOU have moved on from THAT, they will just follow your lead. And I definitely had to stop caring what other people thought of me in general. It will get easier, but maybe you can take baby steps at first, don't go out in public with OC right away. Wait until you're more comfortable with your new situation in your home, then give it a try.

As my openly gay hairdresser once said..."don't nobody wanna hear your soap opera!" So people are on a nedd to know basis with me and I generally keep it straight and to the point. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take care!

Coldday -
I am glad you wrote in and shared that story. I faguely remember you writing about it when it happened but I didn't remember the details . . .it is so funny!!!!

emkaydee,

<snorts coffee!> ROFL... No, I'm afraid there's no positive way to say "this is my husband's child of an affair." I wish there was~!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I just say "this is my step-daughter," sometimes "we have her every-other-weekend" and people don't question it *most* of the time. But I HAVE been questioned (since I have a kid the same age) and, being rather thick-skinned myself, I answer honestly. I feel kinda sorry for them, because THEY are the ones who feel awkward then. It's not any big shock to ME any more and I'm confident about my choices.

The ones I feel worst for are people whose children ha.ve questions, because the parents don't have ready answers. I had TIME and preparation before I told my kids. It's important to me that my kids understand what the ADULTS did was WRONG and that the kids did NOTHING wrong.

However, you can just say (and teach your kids to say) "I don't feel like talking about it right now"--they really DON'T need to know!

If that will make your kids feel ashamed (not good), then teach them simple ways to answer typical questions. I don't want my kids to lie; they just say "this is my half-sister". Some kids ask "what's a half sister?" to which they reply "we have the same dad and different moms," which most kids relate to blended families and don't ask any more.

Our OC is 7 and STILL does not realize her dad was married to me when she was conceived, just that her parents were never married. She has a step-dad and step-sister and relates me (step-mom) to that. Understanding will come when she's ready, and I'm in no hurry to rob her innocence.

Love the funny stories <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

E, I'm really sorry for your pain. Hang in there.
J

It's awkward ...
Especially because they look at me not at him when they ask ...
We've had official visitation since November. So it is mainly Sundays when we go to church that we get the questions ...

I just say 'This is DD's little brother' ... he is 9 months younger ... you do the math, they do the math ...
and they stop. No more questions.
You keep your head high ... no reason to give explanations, or to apologize or to say anything more ...

I can tell you this much, OC looks a lot now like my brother ... yes, I know is very weird ... I just think that God had a special purpose on that ...

And for 'funny' stories:
When xH took OC to my work, the next day one of the ladies said, 'your little boy is so cute, he looks a lot like you' ...
I just said 'Thanks' :-)

how did you get to that point? i have made a decision to take my WH back and yes he plans to have contact with OC, i am still ANGRY about the whole situation and i haven't had OC in my house yet, that may happen this weekend. he hasn't had contact (to my knowledge) with OW for the past 6 weeks or so because OW was MAD when he informed her he was moving back home and that if she needed to contact him she was to call the house. i have no idea what steps to take to even get to that point... yes my DD's teachers all know about their "baby sister" because they talk about her, it is very painful but i have actually tried not to respond crazily when they talk about her although they do not purposely talk about her around me because they know it hurts me. OW has played all the games regarding letting my husband see her (childish games) we were separated for almost a year because i was tired of the contact he was having with OW ... if you can give me any advice on how you have gotten to the point that you are i would definitely appreciate it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

refer to oc by her name. This is Tonya. no need to go into detail

trying,

you said at first that you were planning to have contact but now that is on hold. How did you get to that place? My H feels so strongly about C with OC and I have always supported that but I'm starting to think things would be better w/o C. Was this his decision or yours together?

thanks for the 2 cents...

emkaydee -
I just want you to know that I replied (a very long detailed reply) and POOF! the page clicked back and it disappeared. I don't have time now to rewrite it - but I will come back later and write.

trying