Hello all,

I originally posted to a different board for divorce help and everyone was very helpful there, including refering me to this site, so after reading through everything on the site I thought it might be good to repost the information here and see what happens. I am more than willing to do whatever I can to save my marriage, but I just don't know how to do that, especially since my husband is unwilling to even commit to counseling at this point. Anyway, below is what I initially posted on the other board. There is a bit more to it in terms of what we have discussed/what I have figured out on my own since he broke the news to me, but I still just don't know what to do next or how to proceed from here.

Thanks!

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Okay, here we go. My husband of 12 years has decided he wants a divorce, or at least a trial separation, and has in fact already gotten an apartment and moved out (told me on Wednesday last week, signed the lease Thursday, was gone Friday).

As for the why of it all, I'm still not exactly sure of all of the reasons myself because the number 1 item is an almost complete lack of communication followed, of course, by lack of intimacy....we still talked every day, we still laughed together almost every day, we still discussed news/politics, I encouraged him/supported him with his band, etc. We had even recently started tenatively planning a month-long trip overseas next year....but there hasn't been any real discussion of wants/needs/feelings/desires for so long now that I can't remember the last time we really got down to heart of all of it. There has been minimal physical contact other than sex and that has been very sporadic because I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him because I no longer felt like he really cared and no longer felt desirable.

Anyway, all of this has been going on for an incredibly long time now. And yet through it all, I never could find the words to say what I wanted to tell him and apparently he couldn't either and neither of us really made any effort to fix it. Our pitiful attempts at actual communication usually ended up exactly the same time and time again and so nothing ever changed, except to get worse. And, of course, as I mentioned he is in a successful local band now (just as a hobby) and he constantly has much younger, thinner, prettier, funnier girls literally throwing themselves at him all the time with me sitting in the background whining, "Why do you always ignore me?", "You don't love me anymore do you?, blah, blah, blah. Yep, tough choice there for him, huh? Of course, he hasn't actually told me any of this himself, but I'm a pretty smart woman. When I did actually ask him for specific reasons though, all he said was that we are just "too much alike" and "just not good for one another right now" because we "don't inspire one another" to try to achieve more, and we are "stuck in a major rut".

And, he is right on all of those. But that was it - no elaboration even with some pushing/prodding to get him to say more about WHY he feels that way.

I know many of you will immediately say that he already has someone else, but I trust him completely and I know that he doesn't...........yet. It won't be very long before he does though and in fact he pretty much told me that himself although it just NOW hit me that's what he said. He actually told me two days ago almost immediately after dropping the bomb on me that it was better this way than for him to end up being unfaithful to me. I was so overwhelmed by the word divorce that I totally missed that until just this minute!! I mean, I did ask him about counseling and a trial separation instead of divorce and broached the subject of rules during the separation and his only answer was that he couldn't/wouldn't guarantee anything so I already knew from that what he's got on his mind, but I still can't believe I blocked out that other statement until just now. I guess the fog I've been in for the last couple of days is starting to clear a little bit finally.

Anyway, he has somewhat agreed to go to counseling but doesn't want to start yet, which to me is just screaming "ain't gonna happen" but we'll see. To be honest though, if he starts seeing someone new right away I don't know that I would be able to get over that so it might end up a mute point for me as well.

And, of course, I obviously have some personal issues I need to work on for myself first before we would stand any chance of making this thing work....like improving my self-image and regaining my former confidence so I can stop waiting/needing for him (or anyone else) to give me some sort of validation of my inherent worth. I don't know how I became this helpless/whining slob that I am now, but I do know that the person I've become has GOT TO GO! I guess I should be grateful to him for giving me this little kick in the rear to get me motivated to take some action. I just wish that it had come sooner and not at the cost of our marriage.

Oh, and he also says that he has some things he needs to work on with himself.....like learning to actually finish something once he starts it. Anyone else see the incredible irony here??? Don't know what else he wants to work on, but hopefully he will see that there are a few other areas where he could use it as well. I'm willing to take a huge chunk of the blame here but definitely not all of it by any stretch of the imagination.
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Read the basic concepts on this site. You can only change yourself, and if you are willing to change, you will.
There is much to learn and absorb, and also implement.
After you read the basic concepts, you may want to read up on Plan A - how to show your spouse that you are the person they love/want. That is, be the best person/spouse you can be. The tools are here, just use them.