Morning all,

I just copied my last post from yesterday's thread. I posted it last night...so here's where I am at...

I don't know what I am feeling. H came by to see DS yesterday and do some stuff to get ready for his trip tomorrow. I guess I was surprised when DS came over to me and handed me 2 birthday cards, (my b-d is Sunday) one from DS & DD and one from H. I have to admit I was very shocked to even get a card from my H. It was a Between You and Me card to the tune of "In a perfect world we would never break each other's hearts, or do things that we can't take back, I'm sorry for causing you so much pain and making you think that I don't care, because I really do care" I read it and said thank you to him. Then before he left, he kept staring at me and I would hardly look at him, I guess that made him upset, I went into the kitchen and he came over to me and put his arms around me, kissed me on the cheek and whispered in my ear "Happy Birthday, I'm sorry I won't be here for your birthday" (because he won't be back from the trip before then)

I don't think he realizes that my birthday means absolutely nothing to me this year or any year for that matter now. I could care less that he won't be here for my birthday - I want him here for the rest of my life, not my birthday. I could give two &^%* about my birthday. I am in tears now.

So, how is everyone today? As well as can be expected, right? I hope you all had a decent nights sleep. I'll be off and on today. Try to have a good day.

Good morning Thankful, this is still a good sign. Very good. I understand what you mean about your birthday not meaning a thing. Mine didn't either. Our five year anniversary is coming up in a couple of days. I was debating whether or not I would even get him anything. Last night he asked what my plans were for the weekend. I told him I didn't know and asked him what his plans were. He said "well it IS our anniversary you know, I thought we might do something." I'm thinking why?

It makes no sense to me. Is he just trying to send me off with a "boom" or what. I compare it to those types of funerals where the families have the most expensive of everything, instead of singing one or two songs they have ten different people sing ten different songs. They put pictures up everywhere and people give speeches and stuff. Do they think that it makes it any easier for their loss if they send them on out of this world with a big party or something?

I don't even know why he would want to celebrate our anniversary. He regrets even marrying me so why in the heck would he want to celebrate that day?

I'm so confused. OH well, enough whining for me.

Tired: send me that article. Please. Still got my address?

Good morning. I hope everyone is doing well today.

I've caught up on the posts above and it still seems that each of you has a H that is somewhere between home and the mother ship. I cannot understand why they won't just commit to make the marriage work. It is so painful to play this maybe game. I'm praying that both of you find some resolution and peace of mind despite all of this.

Thankful, I too think that it is a good sign that your H got you a birthday card and told you that he cares for you. I think that he really does. He is just so lost right now. Do you know what the real "heart of the problem" is? I think to repair what is wrong, you have to address the real issue and not all of the symptoms. Finding the real issue is not easy, I never did with my STBX. Keep to your "tough love" and maybe he will fix himself, at least until you can determine what is really holding him back.

Soon, I can't figure out your H at all. Is he still firm on wanting a D? If that is the case, I would tell him to get lost. If he is wavering on wanting a D, I would try to apply tough love and, like Thankful, try to figure out what the real issue is. Something is there, and all you may be seeing are the symptoms.

I still have your address, and will send you the "Mid-Life for Dummies" article. Even though it is sad in how true it fits many of us, please try to get a laugh out of it.

I am doing ok this morning. I do still get lonely at night and miss my W, not the alien, so very much. I've got to get over this because I know she is never coming home. Samson is doing great, and is a real friend. I keep thinking if only people could love someone like a dog can, the world would be so much better. I know one thing that bothers me is that I fear that I will never find anyone that I loved as much as my W. I just can't imagine that right now, and I do love being married and sharing life with someone.

Smile about something today and remember that we have each other.

Tired41

Do you have much experience with dogs? I have a mini schnauzer that apparently is picking up on all the tension and I am clueless as to what to do. She has always been spoiled by both me and STBXH but now that he is gone, she has become anxious and neurotic - wont leave my side and the minute I sit down she is in my lap like glue. She will not let anyone get on his side of the bed or his place on the couch and has snapped at several people who have tried. What can I do to get her past this?

Hi Blue,

I don't have a lot of experience with dogs, but I do know that they can sense tension. Sam, was very tense and anxious when my STBX moved out. He wanted to be by me every minute and would sit and look at the door and whine. After a couple of weeks, he did seem to improve, but will still get upset if I get nervous or start crying or something. I know that he misses her and especially her son. Nobody wanted this mess to happen, including the dog, except my STBX. As I told her one time, "This is all about you" and she said "yes".

Yes he is firm about the D. He does want it. The real issue? The real issue is that we cannot communicate. When we try discuss our problems, it turns into a screaming match and always goes back to the same old thing. I tried listening, comforting him, apologizing often...all of the things suggested on MB. But it always goes back to his name calling and how I made this mess. The real issue is that HE is the one who cannot be trusted and cannot committ to being faithful to me anymore. Don't get me wrong, I have many many problems and I am not perfect by no means. I have things to work on too. the real issue is that even though I made bad choices I cannot make this marriage work by myself and he cannot committ to putting in 100% in along with me. His family and friend are his support group for leaving me. And we could never be married happily with all of this going. His brother has called our house leaving nasty messages, calling me names. And my H did nothing about it. His mother talks of me horribly and he does nothing about it. We have too many issues, I am willing to work on those issues and he is not. It's that simple.

He is just eating cake. That's it. And I am letting him. it's all my fault becuase I'm letting him do this. He is just keeping me as long as were still married, and after the D is final he'll be on his way with the other women.

Last night he went out to his truck, this is before we went to bed. Around 10PM I think. I walked out on the porch and he got into his truck. Was fiddling around with something, at the same time he's fiddling he picks up his phone and opens it, looks at it and then puts it up to his ear (checking voice mail I assumed). when He came back in I said "did you have to check your voice mail before bed or something?" He swears he never even touched his phone. I SAW HIM WITH MY OWN TWO EYES. You see, it's stuff like that. I trust nothing he says.

That's why I say that yes I'd give anything for this M to work. But not the way it is now. We have many many things to change, but we have to do it together.

Sorry so long. I just get started sometimes and can't shut my mouth. It would be so much easier if we could just push a button and turn off the feelings. So much easier.

I may have to get me a dog when I move out. Something small and not hyper. A dog that will just sit beside me and listen to me. I'm going to be awfully lonely when my H has the boys.

I feel for you so much, Soon. I have personally experienced the obvious lies, and the heartbreak of hopelessness. Even though I would do anything to save my marriage, it got to a point with me, where if it's not going to get better, it needs to get over with. Marriage is hard, even without the baggage of trust and communication issues and it does take both spouses to make it work. When you are convinced that he will not give 100%, then maybe you need to let it go. I know how that feels also, sort of like walking to the gallows, but I'm trying to do it proudly, holding my head up high because I tried to make the M work with all my might.

If he is cake-eating, that is his problem. If you allow him to continue this and don't put your foot down, it becomes a problem in you, in how you look at yourself, and it will haunt you. I know that you have let him know that you will give everything to make the M work, but if he does not want to, let him know that you will not stand for his abuse any longer. Even though it hurts, stand up for yourself, and do the right thing, because if it does fail, you can always look at yourself and know you did your best. Right now, that seems like so little, but in the future it will mean so much.

Did you get my email?

Don't apologize for the long post. Just let it all out, even if you repeat the same things. It helps to just let it flow.

I know that you are right. And it will be over with soon. Mediation will be in April, they said if we can agree to everything then the D will be final about a week after mediation. Yes, I do know that he is not and will not commit to me. I just keep hoping that between now and mediation that he'll proove me wrong. I know he wont. I KNOW THAT. And it's harder for me to walk away while were still living together. But I can't move out right now anyway, I have no where to go. And I can't afford to pay rent own my own right now, it's just too much. It will be over soon. It will be here before I know it.

He would not see it as abuse. I don't know what he sees it as. I will check my email now for that article.

Thanks again for listenening.

Anytime. I hope you enjoy the "Mid-Life Crisis for Dummies" article.

Well, I just read the article. I do seriously believe that my STBXH had read that article somehwere before and is using it as his Bible. Really.

Now I REALLY know how pathetic I am.

No, the intent is not to make you feel pathetic. It was just to show how similar the situation is in which we all find ourselves. I could almost tell what was coming up next in the article just by personal experience.

Please don't take the article the wrong way. They are all so similar, it's almost funny to read it. I don't know if that's a true mid-life crisis or just most WS go through, but it sure rings true for me.

We will get better and reclaim our lives. We will be happy again.

Good Afternoon all,

Well, my H threw me a couple of bones when he called this morning. Never a dull moment, that's for sure. Again, I was a little standoffish with him. Long story short, it got to the point where I just said again, in my mind, his decision is made and I am going on with my life as if that's the way it is going to be. I said maybe if you want to discuss getting back together down the road, then we will discuss it. He said his mind is NOT made up. He said "I do love you" (wow, first time he has said that in a month and a half!!) and I said "Ummmm, like in what way?" and he said "In alot of ways, I just have alot of question marks" he said "I don't want to go back to the way things used to be" He said he knows it would be one day at a time, if we decide to build our family back - and he also said not to give me false hope, but to let me know where his mind is, that he was actually looking on the internet for houses for us, in anticipation of us being together (because we have to sell our current home and downsize no matter what)

I truly think things are looking alot more positive now but I am SO, SO afraid to get my hopes up. He definitely seems to be coming more in my direction. I don't know if it's the tough love doing it, but something is working.

If you guys think I am wrong for feeling positive, please smack me or something and tell me to snap out of it.

I don't think your wrong for staying positive. I think it is the tough love. He still sounds "iffy", like the part about the question marks. And he is right about not going back to the old marriage, but instead building a new one.

If you get a chance, have Tired email you the article he sent me about mid life crisis. You may get a laugh out of it. I would have gotten a laugh out of it had I waited until a more positive day to read it. Not in a good mood today so it just made me feel like an extreme idiot for putting up with this sh**. If he wanted out he should have gotten the he** out a long time ago instead of stringing me along making me think he wanted it to work instead of jacking around. I think you will be able to relate to the artice just as I and Tired have.

Remember, tough love and cautiously optimistic.

There was a guy that works here who was just in my office. I hardly even know him, I don't even know his name. Just his knickname. Have spoken to him less than a dozen times. He said..."so when are you getting married?" I said "I already am". He said "well your getting a divorce arent you?"

I don't know why I"m so shocked. Yes its true. But how the heck does he know. I've told my boss, his assistant and one other guy that works here. I don't like talking about it, feel that it's no ones business. So How the heck does he know. I'm trying to find out his real name. I automatically jumped to conclusions and think that my H or someone who knows my H, someone in my H family knows him. Driving me crazy.

I know it's silly. but its just weird. There are people in my family that I haven't even told yet. But some man that I don't even knows is telling me about it!

I know what my H's question marks are, he just has to trust in me, that I am willing to make necessary changes to help rebuild our life together. He has quite a few things about me that have bothered him over the years & I have to admit, rightfully so. Things that I realize now, unfortunately, he was right about. I just failed to see them, denied them, etc... Since this has all occurred, I have been doing alot of soul searching and have been working on myself. He even told me today that he is happy for me with regard to some of the changes he already is seeing. As I said, I know what the question marks are, he just has to believe in me and now, after what he has done, I have to believe in him, too.

Sorry for asking, but what changes?

I think that you have reason to be optimistic, Thankful. I agree that it is probably the tough love that is working for you. It's human nature to want to have your cake and eat it too, but maybe he is seeing that is not possible. I agree with soon, be optimistic but cautious. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that you are the only one needing to make changes. This will have to be a cooperative, joint effort. Feel good about yourself because you are doing great.

Soon, that is so weird, that guy knowing something is going on in your personal life. Do you think someone told him, or do you think he is just very observant?

I found out his real name and called him, he said he didn't know him. As far as this man being observant...I don't think so. I mean, he might come in here twice a month. Doesn't even work in the same building as me. And there would be nothing for him to observe. Unless he observed my H out doing something he shouldn't be doing. Then again, he doesn't even know my H so how would he know what he even looked like? To make things simpler, and to ease my mind...I am just going to ask him the next time he's in here. Wouldnt that be so much simpler than stressing out about it? I swear, sometimes for me it just takes too dang long for the light to come on.

Yeah, just ask him would be the easiest.

I hope everyone has a good evening. I have a friend (my boss) coming over tonight to watch a basketball game on TV, so Sam and I are going to have company. It's nice to have something to look forward to. I know Sam will be excited to see someone other that me.

It's odd, that not so long ago, having someone over was no big deal, but now it seems so huge. I guess when you get down so low, even little things become quite important. I suppose you have to crawl before you walk.

Love you guys,

Tired