I read where everyone is having a hard time forgiving there spouse for this that and the other (no disrespect intended) after there spouse has promised to change and redevote to each other. So why am I in such misery over my W being with OM and she's apolgized for hurting me but not for what she's done and she's still with him. Is this why I feel so bad?

Paul<P> I'm sort of in the same boat. My w is still having an "emotional" internet affair (though it has been physical). She is "sorry" she hurt me, but does not apologize for the affair. She is unwilling at this time to give that up and she is not working on us. It suck's. Just hang in there with no "lovebusters". Read SAA and "his needs, her needs". I would also recommend a counselor for you (if like my w, she won't do it herself). Steve Harley has been very helpful. I'm doing plan A and it is very hard for me right now. I'm just hanging by a thread. I'm trying to meet her needs but I'm getting NO POSITIVE RESPONSE. Now I'm sleeping on the couch...her choice and it HURTS! Hang in there...we are all with you!<P>dzrt<BR>,

Two words...Thank You

Paul,<P> That's what we are all here for. I think the only reason my wife is still here is our 6 yr old son. That and she doesn't currently have a job (we just moved to this state). If the om lived in this country or state, I think she would be gone. The scary part for me is that I KNOW we can fix our problems IF she could give up the om. Since it is a long distance relationship, I do not see a lot of opportunities for reality to crack their "fantasy bubble". I sometimes wonder how or even why I hang on. I guess I love her too much. I keep thinking that when I come home from work, she will be gone. At this point I'm steeling myself for that eventuality. Maybe time will let your wife see what she is doing.<P>dzrt

Sad thing is we have kids as well. Three boys. 6,4,2 years old. And she has left us all.

Paul<BR>Sometimes it's all in the words!!!<BR>Your post reminded me of so many things my h said that hurt me.<BR>"I'm sorry for hurting you" really bothered me. I wanted him to be sorry for what he did.<P>Then there was: "I know what I did hurt you but I didn't do it TO you".<P>ARGGGGGHHHH!!!<P>There was a thread a while back on what betrayers said. Very interesting how much they have in common.<BR>I look at it now as a way of trying to avoid the guilt. At least in my case. My H had a lot of guilt. Whatever he could do to get away from it he did.

I don't understand, are you saying that she possibly is or is not sorry for what has been done and just isn't communicating it, or that she is communicating it and I'm not hearing it?

Paul<BR>What I'm saying is that she probably doesn't know.<BR>Our spouses often say the first thing that comes to their head and because we are so vulnerable we take everything very literally.<BR>When I tell my H some of the things he said he is astounded. <BR>I can't tell you how many times he has told me that he said some pretty stupid things.

I thought I was supposed to be the only one that said something stupid!!!

Paul<BR>We all say stupid things!!!<BR>We just don't realize it!<BR>It's all in the interpretation and perspective. I'm learning a lot from this experience!!!<BR>Now I just have to do something about the stupid things I've said!

Paul,<BR>I can relate also. My W has had 8 by my count. She has yet to apologize for hurting me. She still wants to blame me for the way she feels. She doesn't understand that her pain is caused by her choices. She could have easily shared with me as I have shared with her. She had enough nerve to tell me that I kept secrets from her because there are things I haven't told her. I chose not to tell her certain things because they were more serious than other things I have told her where she had a cow and treated me badly. When she matures enough for me to tell her the rest I will but can't now because she is not ready to deal with the seriousness of the topics.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Paul:<P>Have you read Torn Asunder? There's a section where Carder analyzes the different kind of affairs (three types, paraphrasing, 1) sexual philanders, 2) emotional entanglements, and 3) one-night stands. Did you know that it is NORMAL in type II affairs for the infidel NOT TO BE REMORSEFUL? It's hurtful to you, but her behavior is not strange for someone embroiled in her drama. She has to justify the infidelity and attraction to someone else. If she thought it were her fault, then she would have to take responsibility to do something about it (like end it). I don't think so!<P>Rather, she sees how her life is better, that FINALLY she has joy, passion, sexual desire, etc. Of course, we all know this will be passing and is based on lies, but to her it probably seems like she made a big mistake to hang out with you and has finally done the right thing to fix her life.<P>Affairs are the instant cure for depression. Too bad for the infidel, though, when the depression returns it will be way worse due to all the damage done during the affair high.<P>Remorse, if it comes at all, will only be AFTER her emotional entanglement is over. You can't control that.<P>Best of luck. Read up.<BR>