My wife (21 YEARS OLD) and I (28 YEARS OLD) have been married for 2 years and have been separated for most part of it as I have been away working in Saudi Arabia. Due to restrictions on family visas for expatriate employees, my wife was not able to be with me.

During the early months after our marriage, she was very much attached and was miserable with the separation. But later, I knew she was falling out of love but never actually raised it because she has a habit of denying which invariably leads to a fight... (bear in mind that before we got married she had cheated on me and was caught... But promised never to repeat it again)

I went back home to Sri Lanka for a short vacation in December 2005 and to also finalise her tracel to New Zealand for her higher education. What was expected to be a wonderful time with my wife turned out to be a nightmare as follows:
* I met her as very very changed person... Having lots and lots of friends and very outgoing (very different from the shy, homebound and innocent person that I left behind)
*That very same night I arrived, she adamantly wanted to go out partying with her friends and didn't want me to join her. I felt that she was not comfortable with my presence among her 'happy-going and partying friends'.
*During the next few days we constantly argued and I began to suspect that she had been having a few relationships during my absence. As I managed to crack the password to her e-mail accounts, I now have solid proof to this effect, because she (being a photo-freak) has stored pictures of these people
*The arguments turned violent and we had a few sessions of domestic violence. She beating me and I too responding...
*A week later, after a huge argument she took an overdose of some Piriton and was rushed to hospital to flush them out of her system. She claims that she did that to attempt suicide as she couldn't handle the pressure.
*Thankfully she recovered after 2 days in hospital. A few days later and just 2 days before I was to return to Saudi Arabia for work, she just tore my heart apart!!!! She wanted out of this relationship to be with another man
*She stated heartlessly that she had lost everything for me and that the new man (from Poland) had won her heart and she wanted to be with him. She initially wanted 6 months to try things out and if things didn't work out she wanted to get back to me. BUT in the meantime, she wanted me to continue financing her and remitting money!!!
*I decided not to leave Sri Lanka immediately in order to try EVERY means possible to win her back. But every attempt failed and I kept showing aggression and violence at her when she totally rejected my attempts to patch things up. She even went to the extent of moving out temporarily of our home and camped with her 'buddies'
*I had to go through immense humiliation and pain in front of her and her friends while trying to win her back. Her friends would refuse to speak with me and taunt and insult me when I called her or called them on their mobiles
*I thought that her companions and her independence with a job was the root cause of all her ills. I made a terrible error in judgement and got her fired from her job as I thought that would lead her back to me out of desperation. I was terribly wrong... It only made her drift apart and now she completely hates the sound or sight of me.

I am in a terrible predicament mentally... I know that she is with her new-found love although when I have asked during my calls she flatly denies everything stating "Being with a man is the last thing on my mind. I am sorry we will never work out and I am going ahead with the divorce."

The above statement was made 3 days ago and I have not heard from her since. She also said that as the divorce proceedings are costly in Sri Lanka, she doesn't have the money right now. I have also forced myself not to SMS or call her, although I find it extemely painful.



I am concerned for her terribly and don't want to lose our marriage. Please help... I am not sure what's on her mind. Is it Over?? Have I lost her... Can anyone help us?????

You are not alone. Many people here know exactly how you feel. Other will come along who will be able to advise you better than I can. Just keep coming back and don't despair.

Bhahi, I'm really sorry to hear about this difficult situation. It must be really hard for you. Both you and your wife have made some selfish choices that have directly led to the current situation. You are going to have to make some huge changes if you really want this to work. If you are ready for a very difficult road ahead, then you are at the right place. You need to read as much as you can on this site and keep posting and wait for some more advice from some of the seasoned members. I'll be praying for you.

Aggression and violence is not the way to win someone back. And you got her fired from her job? Unless she was working with the OM that was deplorable.

I am not defending your W`s A but from what you have written I think your W has made a wise decision to move out. You don`t sound like a safe person to be with right now.

You cannot control your W. You`re trying to and it`s just pushing her further away. You can only control you and right now you have some serious attitude adjusments to make.

Would you really want a W who is with you because she has no money? Would you really want a W who is with you because she is afraid of you?

Or do you want a W who is with you because she loves you and because she feels safe with you?

That said all of us have said and done some stupid things in early recovery. Things that have hindered recovery. I am just pointing out to you where you are making your biggest mistakes.

You are going to have to do some serious backpeddling here if you want to have a hope of fixing this. You need to figure out why you feel you have the right to control your W to the extent you do. You need to do some reading, get some counselling and learn that love is a VERB, not a feeling. What you have posted does not sound love, it sounds like control. You will not win your W back by trying to control her.

Read through the entire site and see what you think.

Daisy, I do agree with what you have posted. I do have problems with my temper when I feel let down, betrayed and humiliated. I have not been able to fix that...

I really do mean well and words just cannot describe that... My recent actions only prove otherwise, BUT I do care and love her very much. I know she hates to be controlled but she has never made the right decisions... I have always felt that she wants to do whatever she wishes, EVEN if I do not approve of it or it hurts me to bits....

She has had a terrible upbringing... Domestic violence and problems with her parents during her formative years. And she wishes to have nothing of that life. I guess I keep reminding her of her past when I try to control her...

I am so miserable and don't know what to do. She holds all the keys now... She can't file for divorce because she has no money and until something happens concretely (like a divorce or her getting back with me) I cannot move on. It's killing me from the inside....

You are so correct when you say that my wife shouldn't return to me because of money. She should return for love, but would she and how would I be able to get her on that path while she is seeing another man. I know she can be very stubborn and when she decides... she decides

I haven't spoken to her, her friends or family in nearly a week. What should I ideally do right now...?

Bhahi,

You wife is very young. She`s still not fully matured. But she is an adult and has the right to make decisions for herself although her decisions may not always be the right ones. A person matures and gains wisdom by making mistakes. You have to allow that, in all honesty you can`t control her anyway. You do understand that right?

You cannot make her come back to you. But what you can do is to work out YOUR issues and create the type of environment that your wife would choose ON HER OWN to return to.

If your W has grown up with violence and family problems then she must deal with that ON HER OWN when SHE decides.

You must concentrate on you now. Find the proper counselling to help you with your rage issues. And I would suggest that you learn about boundaries. There is a terrific book called "Boundaries" by Clouds and Townsend that you can find in just about any bookstore or purchase on line. Boundaries will teach you how to deal more appropriately with people who hurt you. You cannnot force someone to bend to your will but you can walk away.

I do know how you feel. I am the BS too. And as awful as the experience of the A was it was the catalyst for me to face my problems. And I did that. I am a happier more peaceful person now.

I do not know if you will be able to repair your M. However you can work on your issues and become a happier more peaceful person too. This will serve you well later in life, whether you remain married to your W or move and have another relationship later on.

If you wish to have a hope of repairing this I would suggest that you get yourself into IC immediately. And do not try and pressure your W one way or another. When you speak with her you tell her you are in counselling FOR YOURSELF, to make you a happier person, not are not just doing this to win her back, you are doing this FOR YOU.

If you W understands that you are doing this for yourself she will believe that you are sincere. But you must be sincere and actually be doing it for yourself.

She won`t come back right away....you will need to demonstrate your efforts for a period of time. You will need to really change, not just on the surface for the time being, you must REALLY CHANGE.

What do you think? Can you do this?

Yes, she is very young, impulsive and rvengeful. I guess all the built-in aggression over her formative years are now bursting out like a volcano... NOT only with me, but also her parents. They adore me and they know that I mean well, but she wouldn't have anything to hear from them either

ALL she wants right now is to be independent with her friends (and probably her new-found love and I am quite sure about this one). She was all set and excited to move to New Zealand for her studies, right up until I arrived in Sri Lanka. After our split, she is now buying stuff to settle down in Sri Lanka and go nowhere else. I have heard that she has moved out of our home and temporarily camped with her friends (but I think very soon she and her new-found love will live together)

I do have issues to sort out... That of possessiveness, rage, revenge, refusal to admit rejection and extremem depression. I do not classify myself as a harmful person, but when terribly let down, I just do go ballistic, ESPECIALLY with love. Just imagine, I had been working and saving my life out for a better life for us... I just cannot believe that she would have the heart to do this to me. Do you understand? I am just so so let down...

I am reading a lot these days and this website is such a blessing... I promise... Reading Dr. Harley's articles, I can see where exactly I have gone wrong (emotional needs, judgemental, demanding and insulting) and where SHE (the secret second life, Honesty & Openness etc has gone wrong. Believe me, I have been e-mailing her some of Dr. H's articles but she has not been reading them.

I do want to change for ME and you are spot on my recommending that. And I will and I am making every effort to do that. Saudi Arabia is a very different country and we do not actually have access to marriage counsellors or therapists. I guess for the moment, reading, contemplating and putting up an action plan is the best for bettering ME.

As for our marriage, after reading several of Dr. H's articles, I do feel that she defected to her new man to fulfil some of her unmet needs. I am not quite sure whether she will be back... I do want her back coz I know I would be a better person... This entire episode has terribly terrible jolted me. But I am not sure what she has in mind

I know right now, she wants to be happy and if that also means being with her new man, she must be doing that. It is difficult for me to think of her with another man, but slowly I guess I am beginning to accept that... Very Very painful

She once also told me that maybe her new man will not last, but she really has reservations about getting back with me... Yes she made that clear once. It's like I am so repulsive and disgusting to her now...

I ALWAYS (even now while I am witing this) have the urge to call her or SMS her, but I know she either wouldn't answer or if she did she would be SOOOO nasty. You know, she even goes to the extent of demeaning my physical appearance (mind you, I really don't think that I am terrible looking but I am a bit short in height) and my dress sense (I dress very modestly and conservatively). After coming to Saudi Arabia, I have put on a bit of weight and gained belly and she taunts me about that. She always wanted me to be funky and party-looking all the time

I know this has left an indelible mark on my life and I really don't know how to oversome the humiliation, acute pain and mental suffering. But I assure you that I will continue to read as much as possible and buy as many books as possible. I will try and I am confident that I am going to leave her to her own devices and see what happens.

Do you think I should move on and force her to file for divorce as soon as possible. It would then clearly tell me that we are no more and it would make me seriously think about moving on. I am also not sure whether I could be comfortable with her after being with other partners, BUT inside me I do want her back....

Have you asked yourself? Why?, why do I want her back.Is it a control thing or what? You really need to search deep to find that answer. Also this could be a future problem:


I am also not sure whether I could be comfortable with her after being with other partners Because if you can't forgive unconditionally this will without a doubt cause a big fight in the future. It could ed to someone getting hurt.(you have got to address the violence)

Have you thought about conseling for her also? She has some past issues she most likely need addressed by a professional. Then you can go as a couple to understand one another.

Call her, tell her how much you love her (if you really do) and how much you are in love and want this to work. I don't know your finances or time achedule, but maybe a short vacation may help. You have got to be a real man and not do anything to her, you don't want done to your mother.
It won't be easy, but you can control your anger. Don't use money over her head to control her. If she really wants out, you'll help her.

I hope you can save your marriage

Bhahi, you certainly have a lot working against you right now. But in your favor, you seem to be determined. If you really want the challenge, you can probably make this work. But it will be a lot of hard work and a bumpy ride. It will be the most difficult thing you have ever had to do. But there are plenty of others who have done it and you can too.

I would not try to force anything right now. Major decisions are best not made when emotions are high. You will regret it later. Focus on your own emotions and the reasons why you want her back. Try to initiate communication with her that is respectful. Apologize for the terrible things you have done to her. Tell her you are determined to be a better person and that you still love her. Give her the time she needs to figure out what she wants to do. Stay the course.

I do understand. I understand the rage and the humiliation as well. Every BS on this site has felt this way. We have all been in your shoes.

I agree with Intention that you should not make any major decisions right now. Wait until YOU feel emotionally stronger then you will be able to make the best choices for yourself.

I also understand about your difficulty in finding therapy. I wouldn`t imagine that Saudi Arabia would have many marriage counsellors. The Harleys do counselling over the phone, that would be pricey because it`s long distance so perhaps you could send them an e-mail to see if they could counsel you over the internet. It`s worth a shot.

You can order the Boundaries book on Amazon.com. It is a christian book but don`t let that put you off if you are not christian. I am not a religious person but I found it contained alot of logical information. I have also lent my book to friends of different faiths and they also loved the book.

You can also find other books on forgivness, MB books, and books that specialize in recovery from infidelity on Amazon.com. Browse around the internet or post a query to the members here as to which books they recommend.


One more thing, when a spouse cheats all bets are off. The BS is under no obligation whatsoever to try and repair the M if they don`t want to. If after you have gotten help for yourself you decide that you do not wish to remain married to your wife then that is your right. No one would question that choice.

Why do I want her back? Well, there are a whole hosts of reasons as follows and in the correct order
*Primarily it is because I sincerely love and care for her well-being. I am not sure whether any other man who REALLY wants a future with her, would have gone through what I did...I did put my heart and soul for three years of this marriage (at times having known that she was with other men!!!) But once I do get my emotions and behaviour in order, I AM NOT SURE WHETHER I WOULD LOOK AT OUR MARRIAGE AND THE IMPORTANCE OF STAYING THE COURSE, THE SAME WAY I AM NOW... Hope you understand what I mean
*She comes from a terrible background... My mother treated my father the way her mother treated her husband and the same with my father's family. BUT, in her case she has grown up with violence, intolerance, many infidelities by her father (some right in front of her own eyes) and the lack of proper understanding of marriage and family... So, I want to care for her and protect her from the evils (that she is already indulging in) that are rampant in society
*I want her to have what she didn't have in her childhood years (it was also one of the reasons why I wanted her to pursue studies in Childhood Education in New Zealand).

But everytime I try to be nice to her, she drops bomb-shells like the ones while I was on vacation in Sri Lanka. It's like I am always trying to reach out to her, be genuine and do whatever within my reach to prove my love, but she always has other plans. Maybe it's her age (21), but she is an adult and I am sure other 21 year old's a much more stable.

Oh I know she needs professional help! While I was in Sri Lanka during that nightmare of what was supposed to be a vacation, I did privately speak to 2 psychologists and counsellors and they both were convinced that she needed couselling and medication. One doctor described her condition as "MIXED HYPO-MANIA". I have done a lot of reading on that condition over the Internet and trust me, it is so true! Especially, one of the symptoms is 'a care-free life with no concern for monetary value. Mood swings and complete denial of one's condition'!!!

The doctors insisted that they have a private session with her and when I brought that topic up with her... Well, I am sure you know what happened... It ended up in a huge argument... She called her friends who immediately rushed to our home and in front of them, she taunted and abused me for even thinking that she needed help!!!

Like I have mentioned in my reply to one of Daisy's postings, I am trying to avoid contact with her for some time (though it is excruciatingly painful and agonising) until maybe the 'cloud lifts'. Also today, I read Dr. H's articles on PLAN A & PLAN B... Jeeez, how accurate and tailor-made for my predicament. I am more inclined to follow PLAN B, coz though I have tried to peacefully get her to help me implement PLAN A, it was always always a failure

BUT, the most painful aspect of PLAN B is that there are no guarantees that she may return...!!! Lets see... In the meantime, let me sort my issues which if I succeed, will prove to her that I have changed and send a REAL signal that I do love her and care for our marriage and our united future. May be she just doesn't trust the words anymore.

I am not going to contact her for maybe a month and see. If during that time she contacts me, I am going to be extremely nice and only check on her welfare and nothing else. Whenever, I've brought up the subject of her current lover, she hits the roof and we end up arguing. Let me get better first and see what happens

Daisy, I know she cheats and has done that behind my back in the past. Many I was not aware of while I was in Saudi Arabia. But the one time she was cauht (just before we got married) she promised that it would never happen again...

I just want her to realise and understand that whatever she's doing and has done is immoral, unfair, cruel and against the basic norms of married life!!! If (a big if) she understands this and is willing to compensate and get her act together, I see no reason why I shouldn't be with her. BUT that's being too optimistic now...

Look, she has no job, no money ( I heard that she is currently borrowing from friends) no life (life in my understanding of it...) and huge credit card debts. I am so concerned for her well-being, her diet, her health, her safety and her future. All this while, she had a relatively well-paying job, and I was topping her finances with my remittances. But now... Her father wouldn't give anything and her mother is not in a position to provide for her. She is living with friends...

I see this as a good opportunity for others to make full use of whatever that she has to offer (currently great company and fun only). I am so scared that she would continue her path of self-destruction as she doesn't understand what's happening to her. Her arrogance and anger towards her parents and me is what is making her do this. I feel she is doing this to get back at us.

Even if she doesn't realise all this, I wish she had friends who would al least get her to get help. But, she is also anti towards that conversation with her one friend. Most of her other friends accept her as great company and a fantastic person to have fun with, not knowing that they are just guiding her to even more trouble.

This is alos a great opportunity for her lover to be around and foe r him to work all his magic... I am just so much in pain and don't know how to help her, while helping me overcome my short-comings...

This might be tough to hear, but my advice is walk away. You are both young and IMO it's simply not worth the effort to try and recover such a young M where your S is clearly not interested in staying involved with you. Walk away.

Bhahi,

I understand your concern for your W but YOU cannot fix her. You cannot make her fix herself.

There are many people in this world who come from dysfunctional backgrounds and grow up to be dysfunctional themselves. Sometimes these people realise the extent of their problems and resolve to address them...but sometimes they don`t.

Your W may be one of those who decides not to address her problems. But then again she may.

You DO have the choice as to whether you will live this type of rollercoaster existence or not. Not by trying to force your W to seek help but by offering to stick by her side and help her through it IF she decides seek help. If she does not want help then you MUST walk away.

Either way your rollercoaster ride comes to an end.

I am assuming here that you do not have children yet. If that is the case then you are truely blessed. Can you imagine going through this situation with your W AND children? That would be the absolute worst case scenario.

Bhahi you cannot save someone who is h*ll bent on the path to self destruction no matter how much you love them or how much you want better for them. You just can`t do it.

You can`t save her, only she can save herself. You do have the choice as to whether or not you to go down with her on her sinking ship.

If she does not seek help in the near future and you decide that although you can`t save her at least you are going to save yourself, it would still be a good idea for you to seek counselling for yourself. You will need help to heal from this and you want to become a peaceful happy stable self confident person. If you can accomplish this then this will be the very type of women you will attract in the future. Birds of a feather flock together.

Daisy, then do you think I should convince her to file for divorce. I think that would then illustrate to me in definitive terms that this marriage is irreconcilable, and I am better off walking away and moving on

It would also allow me to concentrate more on rectifying my areas of weaknesses (although the thoughts and feelings for her would still continue to haunt me!!!)

It's just that she wants no sight or sound of me, while she is perfectly going on about her life. I want to feel the same way too and if she file for divorce then maybe it will hit me. But she is not doing that too, apparently due to financial constraints. However, I did offer to finance the divorce proceedings, but she has not reverted on that

I am just so much in pain and agony, not knowing which direction to take. She's found her happiness, why can't I find mine yet....

bhahi

she has cheated you even before the marriage and has been cheating on you. What are you going to gain from this relationship even if she is coming back ?. The best solution to your stitch is to divorce and move on.

You are not going to find your happiness either as long as your happiness depends on what your W does.

Bhahi you have to worry about you now. I would not make a snap decision to divorce right now. You are not ready for that, you have not exhausted all your options. But you need to change your focus. You need to work on you.

I am going to post a website for you on forgivenss. This is one of the issues you are going to have to deal with whether you remain married or not. Forgiveness is not about your W it`s about YOU finding a more calm peaceful spirit.

http://www.forgiving.org/Working/working_to_forgive.asp

This will get your started. Did you check into some internet counselling with the Harleys?

Yeah Dhanush... Sometimes I do feel that I've been a fool in love for 3 years (2 of which were married)... Sometimes I feel that I wasted the sacred event of 'marriage' on such a heartless, evil and cruel person... Sometimes I feel that she stuck to me and got all the financial support and a safety net, just until her wings were mature and strong enough to fly away... Sometimes I feel that she is inherently a 'user' because I have also known her to be around friends just until she got whatever she needed (this was while I was here in Saudi Arabia working)... Sometimes I feel she really meant when she said "Life is a game and you gotta play smart to survive"...

I have come to believe in paryer and Lord Jesus recently... Do you think he will forgive me if I convince her to file for divorce and walk away...? Do you think I may incur his wrath if i were to continue to hang on to this marriage...?

Yeah Daisy, detachment is the key word... But hey, it's often easier said than done. But I'll tell you something... I am feeling a little better after coming across this website and the reading materials and since I registered... Probably that's taking the right direction

I am still thinking about her and what she is upto...Whether she is behaving, whether she thinks of me, what her plans are... This is haunting me and I am hardly getting any sleep... Especially if it's Friday/Saturday nights... This entire episode has left an indelible mark...

Could you direct me to the Harley's internet counselling link. I was only able to find their counselling service by telephone...?

I am not 100% certain about the internet counselling. I have just read about a few members corresponding via e-mail with the Harleys. You could call the counselling center to inquire as to whether internet counselling would be available or you could send and e-mail to Tempest to inquire if this is an option.

Ask around and see what you can come up with.