My situation

Married 6 years. Thought I was happily married. Husband lost desire for sex a few years ago and I dealt with it. Complained a lot about it but dealt with it. I've been very loyal and honest with him throughout all of these years. Husband had very traumatic childhood. Sexual abuse, trauma, loneliness a bunch of stuff.

I know all of this already. Husband has been neglecting me and treating me like crap for the last 4 months. He's been behaving very depressed. I get home he doesn't talk, we go out, no talking, doesn't call on the phone. Shows absolutely no affection towards me.

Husband began turning off cell phone as soon as he got home and claimed that he was too depressed to talk to anyone including me. We get cell phone bill and I notice he used up close to 350 minutes and I wonder how, if it's always off.

I check the bill and notice that he's been calling the same number sometimes up to 10x a day at all hours of the day 7 days a week. Each and every day. I hadn't seen him on the phone in months so I knew he was doing all of this behind my back obviously. I found out it was a girl because I called the number.

When I confronted him about it he said that he just didn't know how to tell me his problems and that he found a friend in her because they have similar backgrounds and she understood what it was like to be molested and that they became friends and that there is nothing more that they are just friends.

I do know that they met in the mall during Christmas to go "shopping" together. This he also confessed.

Ladies and Gentlemen what is your take on this? Is it possible that he was so confused and distraught by his problems that it could drive him to do something like this.

Mind you his problem is he no longer is attracted to me (his wife); therefore he doesn't want to have sexual relations with me (it's true); in turn he shows no affection towards me (absolutely); and all of this has caused him to neglect me. He says that all of this led to him feeling a "guilt trip" especially when I would say comments about his not wanting to have sex and all of this lead to his "wrongdoing". He said he does not feel anything for this girl but I find it really bizarre that he felt this impulse and anxiety at all hours of the day. He called up to 10x a day and when we went on a weekend getaway with our friends, he called her like 14 times.

Opinons please????

Has anyone ever gone through something like this?

DBH,

First of all, welcome to marriage builders. A lot of good people have helped and are helping me more each day. The experts will chime in soon, rest assured.

As I am a complete and total amature, I can only say that this sounds like a textbook EA (emotional affair) at the very least. Currently, my W has checked out (not really with an OP) so I feel for you. The experts will reccomend a lot of reading for you to do. Take the time to do it and learn as much as you can. This is a great place to vent your frustrations.

God Bless.

C-

Deceivedbyhim,

Let me be the first to say Welcome to MB...I have to say that your H is having at least an emotional affair (EA), and possibly a Physical Affair (PA)....I would suspect both..

I have gone through a similar situation, but I never called the phone number. I was too afraid to do it.. I didn't know what to say and was in denial...My H would hide the cell phone bills, but I viewed them online. When I asked who it was, he said it was a friend...always had an excuse...similar to your H, he would turn his phone off, or go outside or in another room to talk (he smoked outside so I didn't realize he was going out just to talk)...The OW was a coworker of his, and he ended up in a PA. He says that he was feeling rejected by me sexually, going through a midlife crisis, etc,and just wanted sex. This is how it started with them..

How your H is treating you now is how my H treated me during the A...Although he would previously initiate sex with me, he stopped, except for occasional quickies...no affection, no conversation, neglect of me and the kids due to his job...He claims that it was only for sex, and then she fell in love with him. He tried to break it off but couldn't do it for a long time. They continued to have sex frequently.

I would say that your H is more susceptible to have an EA due to his background and that he has already told you that she understands him. That is a big red flag. He also said that he feels nothing and they are just friends. Another red flag. My H denied every suspicion I had even when I came out and asked if there was another woman. They just lie, that's all...

He still says that it was only sex with them, that was their agreement at the beginning. He had some feelings for her (not love, he says) which made it hard for him to break it off.

As for what you should do now, I would confront him on it and don't take no for an answer. I would also read up on the Infidelity section of this website (not the forum) and read the books Surviving and Affair adn His Needs Her Needs. I wish I had the courage to do something last year, but I never really had any evidence. Like I said, he denied it all, always had a good excuse. Even when I said I would go to counseling, he said we didn't need it...I was a fool...

yes---its called an affair sweetie.

welcome to MB'S.....start reading and learning. get the book surviving an affair....and buckle up...its a bumpy ride.

Well, DBH, only just about everybody here will advise you he's in an affair.

100% certain.

Recommend you start reading everything on this site about infidelity because it applies to you.

Get "Surviving An Affair" from the bookstore.

Read the links in my sig line below.

There is no chance, none, that "he does not feel anything for this girl."

The dreaded emotional affair, sure to metastasize into your worst nightmare unless it ends, totally and quickly.

He has violated a boundary. He is cheating on you - he's seeking intimacy with a woman other than his wife.

He's whining about having a "guilt trip", but apparently it's not enough to make him want to act like a human being.

His so-called friendship has to end.

GC

So what does he say he is PLANNING on doing..

what his plan...
his plan about

not feeling good..
dealing with issues on a non-professional basis ie girl
dealing with you...
his lack of communication
his lack of connection..
his depression....

cause it ain't getting better doing what he is doing..
it's getting worse..

what does he SAY he wants to do about all of this

ARK

what does he want to do about all of this...
what is his plan to get better...

Wow. Thanks everyone for all of your advice. This is what he tells me. He says that he gets these emotional waves and that he feels like he's chocking and that's why he calls so frequently. He says he's sorry for calling her so much and that he knows he did something wrong by doing so but that he didn't want to hurt me by telling me how he really felt about me. He claims that they just became friends and that they shared so much in common that she was just an avenue for him to vent out his frustrations. Now I know he no longer uses his cell phone to call her and I know that they both work in the same building, I just don't know if they are still talking (via office phone) or if they see each other or not. He is making an effort and is coming straight home after work every day. Is it possible that this was just a friendship? No I'm not lying to myself but I have to post the question.

Thanks everyone for helping me out with this dilemma. I'm so glad I found this website.

you should buy him the book..
bad childhood good life...

you should tell him that whatever the horrible things that happened to him as a child should NOT rule his world now...and that that sounds like a sad lonely place to live...and that he DOES NOT have to live victim to what happened to him when he was a child..

he needs to see a doctor...
he needs anti-anxiety meds

he need counseling....

what are your interactions like now.

ARK

DBH,

No, it is not just a friendship. He says "he's sorry for calling her so much and that he knows he did something wrong by doing so but that he didn't want to hurt me by telling me how he really felt about me. He claims that they just became friends and that they shared so much in common that she was just an avenue for him to vent out his frustrations." He knew it was wrong, and he kept this secret from you..

They may not be calling by cell phone because they don't have to. If they work in the same building, they could be having lunch together, meeting before/after work, and don't forget email.. I"m sure that you don't have access to his work email or work voicemail...

And he says that they are no longer talking but when I pressure him he says they are not talking as much. So which is it? What am I to believe? How can I go about finding out if there is something going on? He already told me that if an affair is what he wanted that he would have done it better by giving her money to buy them cell phones and I would never have found out. Is that the dumbest thing you've ever heard. He said this to me later when someone suggested it to him I'm sure.

Well he's trying to get things back to normal (pre me finding out about the calls). He tells me that now that he has finally been able to tell me how he feels it's like a big burden has been lifted from his shoulders. He has been talking to a pastor friend of mine and he is going to see a dr. on Saturday. I hate not knowing if there was an actual affair. I know that would just devastate me more but the not knowing is killing me. The deception is one that I am having a hard time living with but the frequency of these calls, the way he went about it lead me to believe that (1) they like each other, (2) they became very close really fast, (3) perhaps some underlying sexual tension going on, (4) I don't know how far it got as far as intimacy. I just don't know anything and I hate it.

I'm familiar with men who have had sexual abuse and trauma in their childhood. It can affect them tremendously in their adult life. One of the biggest problems is that it can create an intimacy disorder and what you described fits. Your husband lost the connection to talk to you about his feelings and even lost his physical connection with you. He felt compelled to turn to a stranger in order to discuss the emotions that were buried deep inside of him. If the problem goes on for long enough it can also turn into a sexual addiction problem. The "guilt trip" he mentions happens to be a part of the shame component that fits into a sex addiction model. When enough shame builds up about the persons past and then they start having guilt about trying to share their feelings, the submerged feelings start looking for an escape. The escape often comes out in a form of an addiction, which could be anything from sex, drugs, alcohol, etc. The person is trying to cope with emotional trauma that buried deep inside them, it's created an intimacy barrier that is hard to break through because trust was damaged way back in the childs past, and now only fantasies, strangers, and anything that kills pain can help. Even the lonliness you mentioned fits. Men with this problem often do not have many friends and keep to themselves a lot. They have a fear of trusting others and it's that trust issue that causes a problem. For men especially who were abused as a child, they look back in the ADULT mind and see CHILD memories and they think with their ADULT mind why couldn't they stop what was happening, but they were only a CHILD and how could they stop anything.

Your husband needs someone trained in sexual abuse counseling, even possibly sexual addiction counseling to help him through his issues. The problems he faced in the past are starting to come back to haunt him in the present.

God bless you and him and I will pray for you.

AskMe

Wow. This is amazing. You described him in such detail, it's amazing. Yes to everything you said. I have always trusted my husband as far as loyalty is concerned but after 6 years of marriage all of a sudden all of the things he used to cover up his pain (hobbies mainly) have seemed to die down some and his pain seems to have come back to him full force. He is no longer shy about talking about his past because since I discovered the phone calls he feels he has a bigger problem. He lost his virginity at a very late age in life (30) and this says a lot about him. He is good looking and is a really smart guy and there is no reason why he couldn't find a girlfriend but the damage done to him as a child has been so great that it has literally affected everything in his life. He has lost all motivation to do anything. All he feels comfortable with is talking about his problems. Not just his abuse but about everything. He finds fault with life in general, society, he blames his family for what happened (it was a family member), he blames me for doing too much for him, while he thanks me he tells me that I've done too much for him and while he should be entirely grateful he really is not, he says things that don't make sense and while in my heart I know he did not have any physical intimacy with her I just wanted to know if anyone else has experienced this trauma in their childhood and how it has affected them. Thanks AskMe for your advice. I would like to hear more of your opinions so feel free to ask me any questions and advice on how he can seek help.

Thanks

I grew up in a single mother home an dealt with a different type of trauma. I participate in a church group with over a 100 men who deal with sexual issues because of past traumas in their childhood. Some of the men were sexually abused and so it's why I can recognize the symptoms so easily. Your husband's problem is about emotional traumas and while he is responsible for turning to an affair to cope, please understand he is dealing with some serious emotional issues. It does not relieve him of his responsibilty to seek out counseling and to stop the affair, but it does provide some answer as to why he went in the direction he did.

Second, this might be hard to hear, but generally when a man is dealing with these issues the wife also has a set of issues she is dealing with. It doesn't mean you were abused, but there many be something you need to work on for yourself to make the marriage better. Here is the question a counselor would ask you, "WHY DID YOU MARRY A MAN WHO WOULD END UP NOT HAVING A DESIRE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, WOULD NEGLECT YOU, TREAT YOU LIKE CRAP, DOESN'T SHOW AFFECTION TOWARDS YOU, AND IS NOW IN AN AFFAIR?" Think about that for a minute and ask yourself why are you here at this point. Obviously there was something you found in him to bring you together with him, but something must not have been totally heathly in there or you might have seen this coming.

For instance, people on this board have seen me use this example of myself. I was an emotional giver to my mother since she was single. I was her surrogate husband taking care of everything from my younger brother down to the house and cars. I bought her gifts on mothers day, Christmas and for her birthday. I made sure her emotional needs were met. My wife on the other hand came from an unloving family who put her down. So when I met her she was in need of an emotional giver and she became the emotional taker. In return she gave me admiration for all that I did for her emotionally. So we got lost in the giving and taking without really seeing the problems around us. True dysfunction meeting dysfunction.

It's why I said there could be issues you may need to work on to better yourself, maybe it could be that you have been his enabler and instead of enabler you need to change to a support role. Does that make sense?

But the key is everyone needs to see they have their own issues and work on their own issues. You can't fix the other person, nor can they fix you.

And of course there needs to be some marriage counseling to ensure the 2 of you are back on track. I had severe problems and have been able to work through those with my wife. So I know marriages can be healed. It takes time and patience, but also commitment from both spouses.

Ask Me

You have been the one and only person who has truly said things to me in a very different way other than "he had an affair and I'll bet any amount of money it has already turned physical". You nailed it right on the money. He has been through a lot in his life and love was something that he did not experience because it wasn't given to him as a child. He was also really poor and did not have the means to have things that he wanted or that he needed for that matter. He has been in some troubling relationships in the past with people who have had a lot of emotional issues. I don't have these issues but I do admit that I have done way too much for him and instead of being supportive in a lot of cases, I simply did things for him and while my intentions were to give him everything that he didn't have, all the love, care, financial support, financial freedom, stability, all the things he needed emotionally and materilistically I know I did too much because he did complain about that recently. It's one of the things he complained about that he feels that he has not accomplished nothing on his own because I have just given him everything. I have to work on that myself. I am a giver and I love to not only give things but I like to fix people's problems, whether financial or otherwise, I just fix them and this is not always the right approach. I have tried as best as I could to meet his emotional needs but he says that in order to not hurt me he did this. I believe it when he tells me and I also know that he is very shy and is very reserved and does not like to see people hurt and if he is the cause of it, it kills him.

He does not believe he was in an affair. He denies it to the end. He says it was simply a friendship but the amount of calls and the secrecy of it all, they all indicate an affair. And while I still don't believe it was a physical one, the deception of it all has hurt me beyond any pain I have endured ever.

Thank you AskMe. You have been such a light in the midst of this darkness. Please feel free to keep sharing with me. So far you are the only person who has shed some light into this dilemma of ours.

Glad you found MB!
My WH admits to "friendship" that turned somewhat physical (kssing). It seems AskMe has a good take on your situation. But be careful not to minimize EA. Often the bond of EA is more difficult to overcome than PA. Whether it is EA or PA your spouse has bonded with someone outside of your marriage and has betrayed you for whatever reason. Other posters still have very valuable information and can offer a tremendous amount of support. Don't close yourself off because some posters are not saying what you want to hear.

This is a journey, keep posting and learn along the way.

Thanks confused42. I will take your advice. I did notice that after I found out about the phone calls he changed each and every password on all of his accounts. Email, Bank, Credit Card. He said he did this because I chedked them and found out about the calls. Funny thing is that he does not want me to change our phone plans from a family share to two single lines. As it is he is not using his cell phone to call her but I find it a little hard to believe that after 4 months of everyday talking that he just cut her off like that. I did speak to her and I did threaten her. Maybe not the best thing that I did but I was really angry when I found out and reacted like any normal spouse would who finds out this info. Do you think he's still hiding something when he changed all of his passwords? Does this indicate that he is still hiding something or just wanting his privacy?

It means he is wanting to cover what he is doing. Whether he is actively doing something or is having thoughts about doing something, he is wanting to cover his actions. There should be no reason for a spouse to hide information from the other spouse. If there is, there is a problem that needs to be resolved.

And as confused42 said you can't minimize an EA, they can be the start of something more.

Also, it's not easy to cut off the person who is taking care of your emotions......you can do it for a short period, but you always go back or find someone else to fill in.

I know I live in the stix, but are you sure the Dr's office is open on the weekend? Mine is, but only for emergencies, and not by appointment.

And to answer your question: if he felt the need to change passwords, he has something to hide. What other reason is there to change passwords and not share them with one's spouse?

Not to downplay the impetus for his behavior, but make sure you internalize what he is doing to you (EA and/or PA) so you can make boundaries to protect yourself. Don't be an enabler!