Hello, I'm a newbie here. Married 23 yrs, discovered H's infidelity, porn addiction, etc a year ago. I'm taking a course at church entitled "Marriage Without Regrets" by Kay Arthur. One of the main ideas is to treat you marrige as a ministry. Anyone else using this approach?

My H has lost his faith, claim to doubt the existence of God. Attends Celebrate Recovery - a Christian 12 step program, but gets little out of it due to the "religious" emphasis. He has recently started going to an SLAA group and seems more open to that group.

Your thoughts on the ministry idea? Thanks!

And what does this approach have you do?

It's difficult to sum up a 4 month Bible study in a few lines. But the ministry idea is to first treat your marrige as a permanent commitment, love your husband unconditionally, help him, forgive your husband, use your speech to uplift and encourage him, help your husband and help him to realize his value as a person. Another idea is to work toward "our happiness" rahter than MY happiness. So many of these ideas run completely opposite to the messages our society sends.

(And the husband has responsibilities too, but I'm just focused on the viewpoint of betrayed wife right now.) What is my standard for my behavior regardless of what he does?

Food for thought.

The same was true of my FWH when he was involved in his A. They have to come to this point in order to justify their A behavior. Also, as a Believer, you likely agree that he is being controlled by EVIL FORCES...has YIELDED TO TEMPTATION..

Your H is likely no different than other Wayward Spouses or Wayward Husbands..

I would recommend that you read up about the MB Approach which is not at all inconsistent or contrary to Christian principles...

Hi authentic1, Welcome to MB. It's good to see you here.

I must be hard for you having a H so addicted, and losing his faith at the same time. His feeling that God doesn't exist is a product of the addiction, and the addiction of the flesh and satan will lie to him. He isn't seeing God because he is so blinded by the addiction, and walking in darkness. It's very hard to see in the dark.

Do you see him as wanting recovery?

Is he cheating on you at the present time?



I believe the marriage and the family are my main ministries. To minister means "to serve" and how we serve and love our family and marriage is big in the sight of God.

The Word tells us when we have a disobedient H, don't preach, keep quiet, but let him see your chaste conduct.

Lady

Do you want our assistance with the MB APPROACH?

Have you read up on the MB Principles for SURVIVING INFIDELITY?

Much of what you describe is basic fundamentals of any marriage strengthening approach.

But a few potential differences with MB logic -

Marital love in not unconditional - there is no such thing other than between blood relatives - especially between parents and children. Marital love is conditional upon having needs met. This is the basis for the MB love bank.


When forgiveness is earned. Unearned forgiveness is foolish and detrimental to marital recovery.


This is roughly equivalent to MB POJA - Policy of Joint Agreement. That said, you are not responsible for your husband's happiness. He is responsible for it. You CANNOT make him happy.

Just some observations, since you asked.

WAT

I know the betrayal hurts more than anything. My H cheated, 6 months ago, one night stand, and relapsed on a drug after being sober for 6 yrs.

Right now keep your expectations low for your needs being met by your husband, until he finds recovery. The thing that hurt me the most at first, was my H just didn't seem to care at all, very independent behavior, fogged out thinking. But after withdrawl, which can take months, he sees the light. He never did loose his faith through it I'm thankful, but withdrawl wasn't fun. All I could do much of the time is cry. I tried really hard not to get angry at every trigger, but it was hard at first. I get triggered much less often now, and try really hard to not love bust and give off disrespectful judgements, because when I did that it made him feel worse, and also made me feel worse. I was hard though because I was so angry and hurt at his betrayal. Trust is not totally back for him yet, but he will have to earn that back now with 100% honesty about everything.

The MB approach is really great for trying to save your marriage. There are a few BS's here that have had WS's as porn/sex addicts too. I'm sure they can help you.

Lady

Thanks for the warm welcome, everyone.

In answer to the question, is he still cheating... Ummm, this is complicated. He told me after D-day (2/2/05) that all contact, dates, porn, IMing, etc had stopped. But a month ago, I found evidence that he had been e-mailing and exchanging photos with at least 4 women, very graphic sexual convesations on the computer and by phone. So when I confronted him 4 weeks ago, he agreed once again to stop all "acting out." I have no proof either way. He claims to have stopped, claims to be in withdrawal. He is reading "Don't Call it Love" by Patrick Carnes and is attending two 12 step groups each week.

I have heard of Celebrate Recovery. Is it a temporary support group study, or is it always going on?

Lady

Celebrate Recovery is an on-going Christian 12 step program available at many churches. My church has offered it for over a year. We have a large group so there are many different gender-specific "speciality" groups (about 12 I think). Our Celebrate Recovery group is the only one in my county offering suport to wives of sex addicts.

That is great. Are you attending it also?

Yes, I go every Friday night with him. I started going alone last November. We started going together in December.

The wives group just finished studying "Every Heart Restored."

Well authentic....It's sounds like you have been around the block with your husbands terrible issues before. A second betrayal makes it more difficult, and resentments are tougher to overcome, but with Gods grace you can do it.

Is your H living at home right now?

Im so glad you have all the support at church, not many have that and try to overcome those things alone.

We have a "Marriage is a Covenant" group going on, through Family Life. We also attend a 12-step recovery group called "Overcomers" for those in the church struggling with addiction, and those of us family members affected by it.

MB has been a great place for support for me also. Another great stepping stone to a recovered marriage.

How do you feel about your marriage right now? It's only been a month since your 2nd D-day?

Lady

The entire situation was complicated due to H working out of state. I found the computer evidence last year on the same day he moved 1,000 miles away for a new job. The kids and I were going to join him after the house sold, but after D-day I chose to wait and see. So we have spent hundreds of hours on the phone and talking, talking, talking during the occasional visits over the last year. In Jan 06, he was fired and moved back home. A week later, I found evidence of new relationships, photo exchanges, sexual fantasies on the internet, etc. He found a job locally, but doesn't like it much. The boys are thrilled that their father is home. After a year of basically being on my own, it is an adjustment to have him here again. I haven't encouraged him to unpack all his things yet. I guess "ambivalent" is the best word to describe how I feel about my marriage. I have always been committed to the marriage, but after so much deception and deliberate manipulation, I am wary. He has lied and played head games for years. Sometimes I don't think he even understands what honesty means. Reconciliation looks like a huge mountain to climb.

Wow authentic, I'm so sorry for you....it is more complicated isn't it.

1 yr was a long time, and you were probably just getting somewhat recovered yourself, only to have him come back and do the same thing. I can understand your wariness. It sounds like you have climbed the mountain and he is still going around it. He's gonna have to climb too in order for it to work.

I'm sorry this must super hard for you and the children too. I know it's not what you were expecting. And now having him home, the boys loving his being home only for him to be in jeopardy to have to leave again.

Have you read up on plan A & B?

Lady

Authentic as you see there is a lot to read and learn here.
Look over everything. Dr. Harley is a Christian counselor so you can trust his counsel.

Here is a link to his article on..... Infidelity on the Internet.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5028d_qa.html

You will see more there. Get acquainted with the site. We are all here for you.

Huggs,
Lady

Many thanks. I am reading, reading, reading...

authentic1 - welcome to MB. I find it very helpful to think of my marriage as a ministry. Helps me to find purpose in the pain. Keeps me fighting when I want to give up. I think the battle is primarily spiritual. I also think that the issues are more between me and God and what he is trying to teach me, than about my FWW and I. But MB is packed full of practical advice on how to deal with my relationship with my FWW that is extremely helpful.

WAT - you make some really interesting distinctions about unconditional love and forgiveness. My FWW confessed and asked for forgiveness. I did. But now I'm dealing with anger and wonder if I truly can forgive her. She has withdrawn and thinks she made a mistake. Started saying hurtful things that make me not want to forgive her anymore.

But as a follower of Jesus - I am reminded of the parable of the unforgiving servant. If I have been forgiven of so much, how can I be unforgiving myself?