Harmonie,

Missing you and wondering how you are doing? Numberonemom and I haven't seen you online in a while...I hope you are doing okay...

Post a reply when you have a chance. I'm still here. Numberonemom is doing great.

You've been in my thoughts...

Mamafish

Bumping up in case Harmonie is lurking...

bump

Hi Mama Fish! I was have been lurking! Have not at MB for a few days till yesterday.
Thankyou for calling out to me.
I have so much I want/need to talk about..... and of course I have to get off computer right now!
Figures as I just hapenned to find this post while hunting for one I read last night that you helped to bump up!
It was the one about emo Affairs in the work place I think.
I am trying to creat a file of articles I have read here that have great info.
I WILL be back on here later to update and share.
By the way, My Birthday was Sunday. I turned 42! I made it!
There were times the past 6 months I wasn't sure I would!
My H was wonderful. Will write later about it.
I honestly do belive we have made it into the REAL recovery stage!
I have been following posts in a couple different threads that you are in. You sound like you are making progress as well?
Well I really have to go now...lol. DD#2 has been home sick for 3 days with a bad BAD cold and today is much better. She wants her turn on the puter! LOL!

I really look forward to chatting to you soon.
Be Well,

Hi Harmonie,

So good to hear from you!!! I figured you were out and about somewhere...

Happy Belated Birthday!! I'm glad you made it and that you had a great day. Numberonemom's birthday is March 16th...I have been emailing her directly because she is not going on MB anymore...she says that it kind of keeps her from moving forward, which I completely understand...She is over 1 year from DDay and is doing really well in her recovery...she hasn't been on in about 2-3 wks.

I think that I am making progress. My H and I have had some good talks in the last month or so...I still have a need to know details but it is not as obsessive anymore...we have been getting along relatively well. About 2 weeks ago, I was off from work because my son was on school, and we had one day of just me and my H. He told me alot of things about the A and what kind of person OW Was. It cleared up alot of qts I had and of course my imagination was worse than the truth sometimes...I still can't believe this is my life, but I'm learning to deal with it...I'm definitely on the roller coaster. Last week was very very bad, and this week, I am in a much better place.

Feb was a brutal month for me because her bday is in Feb, and the A started the end of Jan last year. So I knew it would be bad for triggers, and the astrologer I spoke to said the planets would make it a bad month for me... I got through it. The weekend of her bday I was in a very bad state, but made it through on Sunday...When we talked about it on Monday, he said he didn't realize that I would be triggering over what could have been going on a year ago...just didn't think of it... Now he understands why I was down...he doesn't think of her at all except in a negative way. That's how it started (our conversation), he mentioned something about her, and then told me alot. I was able to be calm and just listen...

Funny, he described OW to me and told me how unattractive she really is, but that she thought she is a 10, and that it was all in her attitude towards him. I found out she has 3 tattoos, earrings all up her ears, walks w/ a slight limp due to a car accident, much shorter than me, not very big in the bra dept, etc. He said I would be surprised because she' s not gorgeous...I think this is partly why he hates to talk about it...he is embarassed that he risked everything for her.

The post of workplace infidelity is a good one. I've been posting on trust issues to Hopingfor and her H currently works with a young assistand, and travels with her...I'm trying to get her to realize her H needs to set boundaries...I never thought I'd be in a position to be giving advice, but I guess we all have advice, and it's just up to us whether we take it or not.

I hope you are having nice weather in MN. Our weather today is sunny and clear and the temp is in high 40s and will get into the low 60 s this weekend...Snowstorm of 6" last week and it is all melted by now.

Glad your daughter is feeling better...I hate when the kids are sick.

I'm glad you are back...If it is easier for you to email directly, we can do that, and all 3 of us can communicate. Let me know...I know it's tough when you are limited on time, and then have to find a buried post!!

Glad you are back and moving forward...Look forward to catching up with you!

Good Morning!
Well, DD#2 is STILL feeling horrid and running the fever! This is worrying me! But at least when I give her some ibuprophen her temp will drop and she'll be better for a few hours. She almost had her appetite back last night but only ate a few bites, says everything tastes funny. At least she is keeping it down.

I have been following the trust issues thread. That is really big for me. As we all know, that BLIND trust and faith we had in our WS is gone forever. I look back through my old journal of the time and can SEE the blindness I had! I knew something was wrong, but he was a better LIAR than I gave him credit for. I guess when the WS believes their own lies and Bull S*** it comes easy to them. H should have gotten an Oscar for some of his performances! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

The last month has actually been very good for H & I. He has been doing so many nice things for me. And not just because my Birthday was coming. He is more attentive it seems. The way he kisses me is more tender, we embrace longer, touch more often. He has made efforts to be more attentive to chores around the house and even spent last Friday going through the bills with me! He is finally acknowledging my need for Domestic support!
A few weeks ago he helped me put together an Art studio in the small bedroom. I have wanted to do this for so long but he always fought me on that issue. My "studio" had always been in our Family room and there was simply no storage. I couldn't leave anything out I was working on, the kids always got into my supplies, and there was no privacy! So I packed up the majority of my things and they sat there for a year!
My H is supporting me and encouraging me to get back to "ME" again, to get back to doing things that I love and enjoy. He is taking my anxiety and stress seriously now and helping find ways to relax.
For instance, the weekend of my B-day, he was not feeling well. I did not know how badly till Sunday evening. But he kept it hidden and indulged me and treated me like a queen all weekend long. He was so upset that he didn't get the chance to scrub the bathtub so I could take a hot bath before bed on Sunday night, because he had gotten so sick. It was all he'd talk about and appologize for getting sick on my b-day! So Wednesday, when he was finally feeling better, he scrubs the tub and gets candles ready .....
It was as though he could not be happy till he did this 1 last thing on his "B-day gifts to me list" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Just now he walks by me, stops and sings along with the song on the radio "Paitience" By G-n-R. Took my face in his hands and sings the words right to me! How sweet is this?

It is little stuff like this that is bringing me to a place where I am startingto believe in him again. A little more each day.

I told him last night how much I appreciated him and all he has been doing. He said it feels good to him also. That the affection we are sharing is getting easier. I asked what he meant by that and he says that it is easier to do the "nice" things when he can tell they are appreciated and not taken for granted. I told him I was sorry if I had made him feel that way in the past. We then talked about how that went both ways for both of us. How often the things I did went un noticed or acknowledged or taken for granted.
He says we both are getting better at appreciating each other now.

I am learning just how much he needs admiration & appreciation for the little things.
When he did the EN questionaire 5 months ago, he was very "blase'" about it. Rated everything in the middle. But as we get further along in our healing process, I am more observant of his needs even though he didn't give certain ones all that much importance (on the questionaire).

Though I am really happy to see where we are at these days, I still have fears and insecurities. The biggest things are that DH is working the same shift as "IT". I very clearly told him that I need for him to avoid "IT" at all costs and if there is any contact, words, has to work on "IT'S" machine.. ANYTHING, I need for him to tell me about it. Of course he will likely never offer me the info, I have had to ask, which makes me feel like I am nagging or obsessed. So I don't ask often.

The other thing is I still have not gotten his "whole story". I have brought up a few times in the last 6 months that I want to know EVERYTHING and he says he'll answere my questions to the best of his ability. But we never seem to have enough time to get far into this topic. Of course I have to ask direct questions which is very hard for me to do, very uncomfortable. I just want him to tell me all about it, in detail, in his words.

I have also decided I want him to tell me about "IT" in detail. I want to understand who "IT" is. I do not understand what attraction this skank held for my DH.
Other than the compliments, flirting, & "support" the coniving hoe gave him.
I think that if I got him to tell me about "IT" it could help him to kill any lingering "happy thoughts" he may possibly have about "IT" or any illusions "IT" created for him. He may realise the true lie "IT" is . Luckily I know what "IT" looks like and have talked to "IT" before. That
really helped to kill some of the un-known that other BS's have to deal with. Knowing "IT" is an un attractive, gum smaking, grubby looking, teeth missing, divorced, moraless and integrityless "thing" helps..... but THAT is why I MUST know more! DH Must have really been LOST in FOG and fooled by whatever spell it is "IT" worked on him!!

Other than that, I truely believe we have made some real progress and if I can get past those 2 issues I believe I will be stronger and more secure.

In other news.... lol.... I had a bad thing happen last week. I lost 1 of my jobs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
Due to too many absences...1/2 or full day absences. What can ya do? When you have child home sick or you are sick yourself? Plus I got a lot of calls from my youngest sons' school to come pick him up for behaivior reasons.
I am so disappointed cause I really loved this job and truely believed I had finally found a career I could stay with for years! But then again, part of the position would not have lasted past this school year as the kid I worked with is moving away. I would have had to apply for something different in the school after that, IF anything was open.

I was so heart broken when this happened and I am still not over it yet. DH was very sympathetic and supportive and loving. He knew how much this job and the kids I work with meant to me.

The big kick in the head is that we really needed this income as our $ trouble just is not getting resolved! But H tells me not to worry, we'll be ok. I hope so, and am glad he has stepped up to participate in the bill paying and learn more about where things stand in our finances. I carried this burden and stress alone for 13 yrs.

Well, I better wrap this post up! It took me forever to try to write as I had to keep stopping and coming back to it! Plus it is long enough I am sure! LOL

DD#2 has a DR. appt. in an hour so we'll see what is going on here with her.

Hope you are having a terrific day and look forward to hearing back from you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Be Well,

Hi Harmonie,

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your job...I hope you find something in the same field...It is tough when you have to leave work to take care of the kids. I have been fortunate that my job is pretty good about that kind of thing...

Did you read in the trust issues thread about that GNR Song Patience, and now your H is singing it to you? Must be a sign...I have heard that a few times and it stops me in my tracks...I need more patience...

I'm glad that you and your H are doing really well...that trust issues thread===I'm concerned about hopingfor, as you can see from my responses...I know that I would not be comfortable with my H in that situation, and I see through the lies NOW that my H told me and I was too blind to see through them...It makes me so mad at myself when I think of how blind I was...

My H told me all about how IT looked and he says she thinks she is a 10, but she is not, and I would be amazed at how unattractive she really is...I think that our Hs were just blind to how they really looked, and got caught up in how their admiration made them feel...It wasn't about their look, it was how our Hs felt when they were with them...for a while anyway..I think the fact that she is not attractive makes it easier for me to believe that it really was just sex...he never saw her as a threat to me, but why do I???

My H and I are doing okay..not having time to talk really stinks...that's where we are too... I feel disconnected from him when we don't talk...I'm trying to be more affectionate and appreciative of him too...I have alot more changes to make too...we're getting there, slowly but surely.

Numberonemom told me to tell you that she is thinking of you...I copied your posts and sent it to her in an email. She's not coming on MB anymore, she feels much better when she doesn't...my offer still stands, to email privately with us...let me know and I will post my email address for you...

Talk to you later, hope your DD is okay...

A quick note before I head out the door....LOL...
I understand how #1 mom feels about the boards. There was a period where I stopped reading, lurking because I was too morbidly obsessed about reading all the threads and I would be on the computter from the timeIcame home from work until I went to bed some nights!
I also had a hard time with posting because I never felt I knew how to express myself well enough and when I did post there was very little response. Plus I felt like a broken record after reading so many of the same/similar circumstances as mine.
I also feel odd jumping in on others threads. Don't know what to say to offer support or advice as I am so needy myself to comprehend this new world we are thrust into!

I admire how well YOU comunicate and offer support to others despite your own sitch. You are able to think outside your own box <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />!

I would be fine with e mailing on the outside of this forum. Are we able to do the Private message thing on here?
I saw a command for it I believe in my "My Home" at the top. I will see if I can do this. Don't like posting emails on public boards cause of the spy ware things and spammers and kooks. LOL!!!!

I'll give it a go right now.

chat with you later, say hi to #1Mom for me.
Till then,
Be Well.

Grrrr the private message thingy is disabled!
Well, here goes.. we'll delete asap as recieved, I see you are on here reading , hope you get this quick.

[

Sorry Harmonie,
I was off for a while but got it so you can delete. I know what you mean about posting the email.

Hey Mama Fish,
I have been wanting to write and write... funny thing is I was going to start out writting about having the Q&A talk with my H on Sunday night and how well I thought it went, how good I actually felt about him and I....the next day though, I feel like Crap all over again about us because of his reaction to a diferent situation!!!!!

I swear my life is a soap opera and I can't even keep up with the story line myself!

What are your initials? I do not open email from names I do not recognize and I just realised that if you have emailed me I wont know it's you!!!!! I probably have deleted them!!
Sorry!
I'm guessing they are C.A. ? If thats you I am gonna kick myself! LOL!!!

I have been lurking on the puter for 4 hours this morning! I HAVE to go do something responsible !!!! But will be back to post again later... I really need some input on the new sitch with my H.

Back in a bit.

Hi Harmonie,

I hope you are not wearing high heels because you are going to have to do some kicking...my email address is cea@111.com or [email]akers1013@1111.com...I[/email] have emailed you from both addresses (I didn't put the whole domain name here so it won't post).

I'll send you another one and copy numberonemom...She was asking if I heard from you yesterday.

If you are still following the trust issues thread, you will see how I am doing today...but i'm feeling better now.

Gotta go now but will be back after lunch.

Good to hear from you...I'll email you...

I tried to post on Wed. 2x's but I lost my posts both times. I'll try again!

This has been a horrible week for me, I seem to be dragging myself down deeper and deeper with all the stress in my life and all the negative thoughts that keep popping into my head. Here is what has been going on.....

Sunday I finally was able to sit down with H and ask him about more stuff about his A. I have had questions on my mind that I could not get past and figured that I had to ask as they would not go away. H says he was being honest with his answers, yet didn't really go into great detail. He'd often say he simply didn't remember details of things like what they talked about. I feel he was being very sparring of my feelings.
The biggest thing I keep feeling like I can't get an answer to is what was going through his mind when he left the day of his "all nighter", the week long plan of his BIG LIE. He just couldn't answer this for me. Our DS#4 had broken his arm just 2 days before he went through with his "plan" and I asked him how he could go through with it even though we needed him, DS needed him! He didn't answer me on this.
I asked him if he still thinks about her and if it is hard to work at the same schedule. He says no it isn't hard, they avoid each other. But he does miss talking to her! He wantsto ask her how things are going and such in her life and with her 16 yr old son who has a kid on the way. YUCK!
I flatly told him her life is of none of his concern and certainly nothing about her kid either! That was probably the only thing that bothered me at the time.

I did feel so much better after our talk despite the pain of hearing things he did share. I felt good about the communication, the loving way he treated me during the conversation. I felt he helped me get over a huge hurdle.

Then on Monday, everything took a turn for the wrong side.
I had invited my 17 yr old son over for the evening to work on some art in my studio and to have dinner and visit.

He has not lived at home with us for just over a year due to some harsh behaivioral issues and his not allowing us to "parent" him. He went to live in another state for a year with an Aunt from his bio dads side of the family. When DS#1 heard of H's A in August, he was infuriated and wanted to come home to help take care of me and the kids and encouraged me to kick out my H.
I was touched by his strong sense of family commitment all of a sudden, as he had insisted that I was the worst Mom in the world for the last few years and he hated my guts...blah blah blah....
But as much as I wanted my WWson home I knew it would be a world of trouble in trying to repair my marriage.
But I could not let go of the opportunity to finally bring my son back home to repair our relationship as well.
I continuosly kept my son updated as to the progress I felt H & I were making and tried to encourage him to find forgiveness in himself for all the turmoil he felt towards my H as well.
DS returned home a week before Christmas. It was not looking good. H found fault in nearly everything my son said or did. DS did his fair share of pointing fingers at everything everyone else did wrong towards him.... to the point of dredging up old hurts and creating new problems and inserting himself in situations that he had no business in.
My H & I agreed that he would stay out of any parenting issues with DS directly, but every day he wasbring up this thing or that and I found my self in the middle of the 2 of them. It seemed as if I was being fought over for their attention and the who's right , who's wrong thing.
The day after Christmas it hit the fan! DS worked himself up into a self induced rage over the past and decided he was going to leave. This was how he could justify his actions. But in order to make this as real as possible for himself, he did his best to instugate a war with H. Tried to call out H to fight him in the front yard, screamed at H about his A, called names... it was ugly. H satyed calm and kept out of it. He didn't say a word.
Son left and has been living at a friends home ever since.
Meanwhile, I have been trying to find a way to "fix" this situation on top of all the other problems and MB my marriage and all the issues that come from the A.
I tried to involve my H, asking him what WE should do about son but he never had much to say. I felt completely isolated and alone in this problem and H made it clear he wanted to have nothing to do with it. He has gone on the last 3 months as if my son dosn't exsist.

So, Monday, son comes over and I tell H as he is waking up for the day (he works night shift). He is furious! He tells me that "I told you I do not want him in MY yard let alone MY house or even around the other kids" ....I do not recall this ever being said.
H says well he can stay downstairs and I will just stay upsatirs. "don't expect me to say anything to him"

From there on for the rest of the night I was running back and forth from the 2 levels of the house tryingto pay attention to the both of them, make dinner and acknowledge the other kids as though everything is fine! what a nightmare!!!!
Son was very observant of this and was respectful and did not start any trouble. He had fun with his little brother and sisters who were very happy to see him and have dinner with him. In the mean time my H sat on the couch, his body language completely tense, arms folded tight against him and not speaking to anyone! I tried to talk to him casually but to no availe. He wanted nothing to do with anyone.
When he left for work that night I felt very uncomfortable and hurt. I had fears and thoughts of him running to his XOW and talking to her. He did call me from work though and left a message on the machine saying "I am sorry for my attitude tonight ...but I am not sorry,too" asked me to call him if I got the message, said I love You .
I did not call him back cause I was too upset.

And to this day now we have not discussed this issue!

I have been so hurt and journaled about it trying to figure out my thoughts and I am just more and more hurt.

I feel as though I am in a place that I have to choose between my son and my husband for crying outloud!!!!!
My son will never come home as long as my H is here.
Son will not allow H to have anything to do with him or tell him how to live in our house. Son is 17... will be on his own legally in 11 months. H will supposedly be with me the rest of my life.... no guarentees there.....
I hate the fact that H has dictated that my son is not allowed to be here in OUR home. I hate that H is so immature to not act like a parent towards this kid (who thinks he is a grown up).
I hate feeling like I am the only one who is supposed to be the grown up in our home! I have all the responsiblities of the childrens goings on, the bill paying, the majority of the chores, the major household decisions.

I have told H I need him to step up to the plate to help with EVERYTHING, been saying it for years in many ways... from coersion to bribing, to making a game of it to harping and threats! LOL!!!! Feel like I am his mother most of the time! ARGH!!!! This is all a part of the "old" marriage that we do not want to be in any more....

H has agreed to step up his involvement in a few areas, though he doesn't take the initiative, I have had to lead him into it thus far.
He also agreed to try again to work on the MB info and as long as I lead this he will do it. We agreed to "1 hour a day sessions" for reading, learning, review etc.... I am playing the part of MB counselor... he wont go to a counselor anymore.

To top this all off, I am dealing with the depression of loosing my job 2 weeks ago, all the bills that we can not get caught up on, and our MTG problems.... fear we will lose our house as we can not get caught up. DS#2 is in trouble daily at school, this has been an on going issue for years, since preschool. and everyone passing the cold from H3ll around our house for the last 4 weeks! DD#2 was home with a fever of 102 for a week!!!! despite medicine! not strep, not flu...just bad virus Doc says.

Thankfully they are all in school today.
H is asleep on the sofa and Here I sit venting out my nightmare...... reluctantly so ..... there are so many people here with problems of their own, some are worse than my own and I feel like I should just suck it all up and deal ...like I always do. I'd love to be able to help others here but do not post cause I am a mess in my own life.... all I could possibly give is a hug....{{{{HUG}}}.


MY HUGE APPOLOGIES for such a l-o-n-g drawn out rant, but thankyou for reading and getting through it.
I am going to try to find a way to see an IC cause I really feel like I am hanging by a thread right now.

*bump*

Any help anyone can offer onthis would be appreciated. thanks.

Harmonie,

I will give you a big {{{{{{HUG}}}}}}...I'm sorry you are having such a bad week...I am also having a tough week--I wonder if it is cosmic forces!!

I hope you don't mind but I copied this post and emailed it to numberonemom since she asked me by email how you are doing...so you may get an email from her starting with orr----aol.com, and it is not spam....

I feel for you in your situation with your S and H...On top of everything else, that must hurt you very much that you are torn between the two of them...I think that IC would be a good idea if you can do it. If you have insurance, go. Make the time to do it for yourself. We are without insurance now so can't go to MC and I wish I could go to IC. I think it would help me.

We havent' done ANYTHING on MB lately. I may try your 1 hr a day scenario. I was thinking of one night a week...I will also be the MB counselor because he doesn't do anything on his own. We are also sliding back into pre A marriage ways...It sucks!! It's scary!! I hate it! I question why I am putting up with all of the crap that I have put up w/ for years. I am like you with all the responsiblities of paying bills, chores, childcare, etc. and he does do a bit more than he used to, but I still have the burden on me...so know that you are not alone there.. We have so many bills that I don't know how we will ever catch up. It is very frustrating and depressing, I know.

We have still not done the EN questionaire review answers yet since January...this is one of my frustrations...

On the positive side, I'm glad to hear that you got some questions answered. It helped me quite a bit when my H gave me answers to my qts. I still have more but we haven 't been communicating too well yet. It is very important in my recovery so that I don't obsess over this stuff. He still thinks that because it was just sex and he didn't love her, that I should be getting over it by now...I have asked my H similar qts about what was he thinking when he did this and the answers were I wasn't thinking, I don't know...I think their brain shuts off or something. I will never understand it no matter how long I live...I have to stop trying, I guess.

It just takes time...I just read on another post that Dr. H suggested this person ask the WS "Do you agree that the best outcome of this situation is that the parents of your children are in love with each other?" I'm goinng to ask my H this tonight. I feel like he doesn't want to work at the M, he just wants to coast along like nothing happened, and my love bank is rapidly getting withdrawn when that happens....

Well Harmonie, I hope I was a bit of a help. I did read your whole post but don't have any advice on the DS situation since my kids are so young. I haven't gotten there yet...I think for the sake of your M, you will need to respect your H's wishes to an extent. You have the right to have your DS in the house. He does not have the rt to tell you that the DS is not allowed in the house or with the other kids...that is just ridiculous...

I have tried to cut down posting here and only respond on a few threads now and quick posts. I don't feel like I have a right to give advice sometimes because I'm the worst when it comes to actually doing it for myself. But sometimes it helps to help others, at least I feel like if I can't help myself, maybe I can help someone else.

Good to hear from you. Sorry again about all your troubles this week. I will keep you in my thoughts for a good weekend!