Do I send this?

"WWWWW, (wayward wife with wicked ways)
DD2 told me last night that you have been having your affair partner come over to your apartment from time to time, and that both she and DS have met him. I don't consider your destroying our family by bringing him into their life and yours, as being any kind of friend to me! I have done and am doing every single thing I can think of to keep us and our children together. A true friend would try to protect you and our kids from just the kinds of things you’re doing. I think that would qualify me as being your friend, but you sure as ****** aren’t being mine!"
RoT

Dr. Harley said this morning that I should always let her know that I'm trying...that I've made great changes for her in an attempt to make our marriage great. Is that happening in this letter?

All criticism or editing is welcome.
RoT

Stay away from judgements, keep to facts and your feelings.


Dear WW,
It has come to my attenton that you have been introducing our chidlren to your affair partner.

My feeling is that this is wrong, and will result in many bad feelings. My wish is for you to protect the children from any other relationships until such time as you and I are divorced. Though I can't force you do do anything, please try to consider the childrens feelings.



Now, I am not suggesting you send what I have written, but consider the style difference, and see what I mean about facts, and feelings.

Don't tell who told you, it isn't necessarry, and it only sucks your daughter into the fight. IF Daughter wants to fight, that is her choice, but don't put her in by saying it was her that told you. If W asks, tell her you don't think sources are important, but you still feel to keep the kids away from OM.


What she has done - without spin
What you feel, without DJ's.

I haven't been keeping up, does your spiritial leader know at this point?

Take the higher road. Let your child's IC, school, child evaluator know what the WS is doing. Let them let her know how wrong this is. Better she hear from someone that's harder for her to hurt.

L.

River,

How are you doing?

Orchid, Still Seeking,


Thanks for the suggestions. I think I'm not doing very well in many ways. I don't know how to talk the way you describe yet. There have been a bunch of e-mails between me and WW that are not going well at all. I'm afraid it all started with the one I sent about the OM being introduced to my kids. I will post some of those e-mails later today to seek your counsel on them as well.

My DD2 has moved in with me for now...has been with me for 2 weeks now. She has been living with WW since last September. Before this, she had only stayed over with me one night at a time and only rarely...says she is disgusted with Mom, but is also angry with me for not telling her about the A way back when. All I can say to her is that I believed then that it was the best thing to do...until I discoverd MB. My heart has a kind of sinking feeling from this last month of e-mails betweeen me and WW.

Thanks for being here!!!!
RoT

There are some general rules -

1. Don't try to teach her anything.
You can't teach someone that is not in a position to learn. Kind of the same as you can't reason with someone that is unreasonable.
It's better to leave it alone for now. It only frustrates you, and she becomes more convinced she is doing the right thing.

I don't have time for lots of examples but she will say things like: "You don't understand me."

2. Do do things that meet her needs as much as possible without helping her affair.

Be a great dad.
Exercise, and loose weight if needed.
Invite her to family events and make them special, fun and exciting. Make memories even now for B-days, and so on.

3. Expose to your Bishop if you have not done so. Tell him the whole story and what you are trying to acomplish.

Tell your son. I can't imagine it being better to wait until he gets out in the field. Much better now while you can help.

I know of a family who divorced while their twin sons were on church missions. The boys took it well - though it was not what they wanted. God can and does help. Believe that he will help you, and your family - though he will not take away your W's free will.

4. You have a great desire to make this work. To fix the problem, to get your W back.

Remember you can't make her come back, and you can't reason with her. It won't work that way. Perhaps things you do will get her to thinking, and perhaps God will touch her heart.

You can do things that will help, but I sense the email exchange hasn't been working. Back up and think about it.

OM doesn't clash or have harsh words with her. She hears about how wonderful she is from him. From you what is she hearing?

This is about beating OM at his own game.
Now, you don't have to approve of what she is doing to say some good things about her.

If you see her you can look at her and say something like: "I have always loved your hair, It looks so pretty even now."

You stay away from "I love you" becasue she doesn't want to hear that from you right now. You do find ways to remember, and show her you still love her without being blatant with it. Think on this, things will come to you. I am not suggesting you say what I said, but it is an example. You know what you liked about her, you can come up with things. I have no more time, but be calm, and spend some time making notes. YOu can do this.

5. Pray.
Fast and pray. Use the tools you have been given of God.
Seek a blessing if you feel it would help. Call upon the greatest source of help availible to you.

6. This will take time if it is going to work. Measure success by how you work your plan, not by how she reacts right now. In the end, you can only do YOUR BEST. If you do, you will be happy and know you did all you could. Concentrate on YOU, not on HER.

Your happiness depends upon you, not on her. Lets get you on the road to happiness.

SS

RofT, no emotional or judgement-filled communication does your M any good. It might give you an outlet, and (going off the reservation here...) that might be a good thing. But it's almost guaranteed not to help your M.

She won't read any of it as a rational statement. She'll just see the anger, ignore or dismiss everything the letter actually says, and grow more defiant.

Bottom line: nothing you say to try to convince her that the affair is a bad idea will reach her. Nothing you say to show her how much she's hurting you will reach her. To her, what's right means nothing, and your pain means nothing.

That's why you're advised to keep the tone of your communication matter-of-fact. Set your boundaries without emotion, without exclamation points and words like "destroying" and without telling her she's no friend to you. Just request that she not spend time with her affair partner when she is with your children. That's it. Make the request, and leave it at that. She probably won't go along with it anyway. Mostly you're just going on record, which you should.

RofT, how are you?

GC