Hi! I am new here. I've been lurking for quite a while but I think I'm finally ready to participate.

I am a 23 year old woman. I have been married to my husband for 3 years. We have a 4 year old son. In August we lost our second son at 5 months pregnant due to incompetent cervix. I am currently 26 weeks pregnant with our 3rd baby, a girl this time, and I am on strict bedrest. I pretty much have to stay in bed and only get up to use the bathroom, take a shower and quickly get something to eat or drink. I have alot of help from my mom and my MIL so he really hasn't had to take on much more responsibility except cooking dinner a couple nights a week, throwing in a load of laundry and loading the dishwasher.

In March of 2005 I had a drunken one night stand with someone else. It was the biggest mistake of my life and one I've regretted since the day it happened. I really don't have many excuses, me and alcohol just do not mix. I confessed everything to him and have spent the last year trying to make it up to him and prove to him that he can trust me. I have not been out with my friends since the day that happened which is coming up on 1 year. I let him know where I am 24/7 and I rarely go anywhere without him. If I do it's with my mom.

He decided that he wanted to stay together and work things out. We bought our first house together in June and moved in in July. We conceived 2 more babies and I thought things were getting better. We were getting along pretty well but he was still bringing up my infidelity on a daily basis. I just put up with all of his rantings and anger outbursts because I was sure I deserved it for what I did to him.

I was admitted to the hospital on December 3 for extreme bleeding that ended up being a subchorionic hematoma. The day I was admitted it took him 5 hours to get to the hospital to be with me. My mom was with me ALL DAY and my husband couldn't even be bothered to come make sure everything was ok with his wife and child. He got off work at 3:30 and instead of coming straight to the hospital he went to get his hair cut, get a new outfit and go home to take a shower before he finally showed up at 8:30. Then he only stayed an hour. I was a crying emotional mess because I was so scared and I just wanted my husband but he just wanted to get out of there.

I was discharged the next day. I knew that something had to be wrong because the whole hospital thing wasn't like him. I was caught completely off guard when he dropped the bomb that he didn't think he loved me anymore and didn't think he wanted to be married. I was devastated. My son and I moved out and into my parents house. We went home the next day to spend time with DH and while he was in the shower his phone vibrated. The name on the caller ID was Erica. I didn't answer it but I did look through his phone since I didn't know an Erica and didn't think he did either. There were calls from her on the day I was in the hospital at 2 and 3am. Anything before that day had been erased. I pretty much freaked out. I asked him who she was and he said she was just a friend. She was a nurse that worked at the hospital he was doing contract electrical work. He claimed that he talked to her alot about our problems and what had happened in March. I gave him the ultimatum that it was her or me because I would not tolerate him talking to another woman so intimately. He refused to cut off contact so I left.

After a month he asked me to come back. I insisted we go to counseling but he refused (he ultimately got off because I was oredered to strict bedrest and couldn't leave the house anyway). I asked if he'd cut off contact with Erica and he said "I don't talk to her anymore". He claimed he missed me so much and realized that he wouldn't ever find another woman like me. So we moved home in late January.

Since then we've been getting along really well. We're spending alot more time together and we've improved our communication. However he'll have days where he'll act really weird. Like he has something on his mind and he'll say "I just don't know what I want". He says he wants us to be together but there's a ton of issues that we need to work out.

I discovered a couple weeks ago that he is still talking to Erica. He sneaks around to do it. He'll go in the basement where he knows I can't follow him to and he'll text with her or talk to her. I told him that I didn't like it and that it had to stop but he kept saying she's just his friend, that they've been there for eachother through alot and he doesn't feel like he can be a jerk and just cut her off just because we'd gotten back together. Makes me wonder if she'd made him promise that it wouldn't happen. He told me that he wanted to continue the friendship and he assured me that he just wants to be with me, not her. He says she's engaged to a guy at work and it's possible. I've seen some texts talking about a guy named Corey so that may very well be her fiance.

2 days ago while he was in the shower she texted him. It just said "ok" but I started looking through his other texts. There was one from her that said "can I call you?" He responded with "yeah but I have to talk quiet". So obviously they are blatantly sneaking around to talk to eachother. I couldn't look at anymore texts because he caught me looking and got angry saying I had no right to snoop and he thought I trusted him.

I flew off the handle. Started throwing things around our bedroom, packed a bag and paced the floor. He got me calmed down by reminding me that we are battling pre-term labor and this could potentially put me into it. So I forced myself to calm down but I spent the day staring at the ceiling and crying. He just kept saying "baby I love you so much. I just want to be with you and if I wanted to be with Erica, I'd just leave you and be with her." Really, that makes sense because I could easily move out again and he would be free to see her openly if that's what he wanted.

I have begged him to cut off contact. Told him that I cannot handle him talking to her. That even if they are just friends, I am not comfortable with them sneaking around to talk and her calling him in the middle of the night. Maybe if this were a longtime friend of his that I knew and they weren't sneaking it wouldn't be as big a deal. I feel like since he knows how much this affects me, he should be wililng to cut off contact with her. My husband is the type of person who if you push, he'll push back. If he's told to do something, he'll do the opposite just because he hates being told what to do.

There is a very good chance that they are just friends but the fact that they're sneaky and talk on a daily basis makes me very suspicious. I don't even know what they talk about because he always erases their texts. I know he's not physically seeing her because if he's not at work or school, he's with me. He no longer works at the same hospital she is a nurse at so he doesn't see her at work either. He has been going out to the bars but I have friends at every bar he's gone to and none of them have seen him out with a girl (it's always been his guy friends). He does talk to her when he's out though.

It just drives me crazy that he knows how much this means to me and he will not cut off contact with her. I don't think they were together when we were seperated, they were just friends, but I don't like him talking to her. He never wants to talk to me on the phone or text. In fact, sometimes he'll get irritated if I call him while he's out but she'll call him and he'll talk to her for 10-15 minutes. I know when he talks to her because I can see it when I check our cell account online.

Am I out of line for asking him to cut off contact? Do you think they really are just friends? He says he doesn't talk to her in front of me because he knows how much it upsets me. I am getting very close to leaving. I just know that if I leave again it has to be for good. I can't continue putting my son and my family through the back and forth stuff!

If you got through all this, thank you!!!

Oh..Diana...my heart aches for you..this is the saddest situation...

First of all, give priority to taking care of yourself, your unborn baby and your son. To do this, it's important to figure out some way to not allow this to UPSET you to the extent that it is. It's important for you to not begin raging, screaming, getting your blood pressure to rise, etc..

You will need to be able to CALMLY WITH CONVICTION tell him that he needs to DISCONTINUE ALL CONTACT WITH ERIKA for the EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL WELL-BEING OF HIS WIFE AND CHILDREN...

I think (and I hope others will chime and give their opinions) that you need to ENLIST your MIL and Mother or HIS PARENTS and YOUR PARENTS (if Dads are also involved)... Exposure would help make clear to HIM the WRONGNESS and UGLINESS of what HE is doing...

What do you think so far?

Thank you for responding Mimi!!

I think one reason he's been "getting away with this" everytime I've asked him to stop is because I'm not standing my ground. I'll ask him to cut off contact but then I get upset and know that I can't risk hurting myself or my unborn daughter so I just let it go.

I have talked very extensively to my MIL about this. She hasn't said anything to him about knowing what he's up to because we don't want him to know yet how much I've been confiding in her. She thinks that it's possible that they're just friends and that he does sneak to talk to her so as not to upset me. However she thinks what he's doing is terrible and she wants to kick his butt. She thinks I should just concentrate on getting this baby here safely and once I've given birth I can tackle the situation more head on. I know that if I were to ask her to help me confront him that she would.

His step father (whom he considers his dad since he raised him) knows whats going on and is a little more on his side. Actually I wouldn't say he's on his side but he has brought up other perpectives and seems to think that this is indeed just a friendship.

Diana,

A popular saying that I'm sure you've heard before is "People with nothing to hide, hide nothing". So ask him why he needs to sneak around to talk to her. Call his bluff about his friendship and tell him that you would prefer he be in the same room as you when they talk. That way he's not sneaking around on you and he can still have his friendship.

Another one you can consider is telling him you'd like to meet her and maybe all 4 of you (her and her fiance) could have dinner at your place. See what his response is.

The vibes and reaction you get back on either one of those will give you an idea of what's real and what's fake.

If he's erasing his texts from her and gets mad when you snoop he's hiding something.

My husband has two or three women friends from college. They do NOT text each other. If they ever call each other he talks right there in the room with me. They do not talk all the time either- it's once every couple of months. These are women he was truly bonded with- they helped him through his divorce and dating woes- and he helped them.

He is spending time talking to this friend that he could be spending with you. I'm blown away that he's out at bars partying while his wife is on bedrest with a crisis pregnancy!

My heart breaks for you. Simply put if he wants to save the marriage, she has to go.

You need to be able to talk to him about this with CONVICTION WITHOUT GETTING UPSET. There is no reason to get upset. Don't let him provoke you into getting upset either. He may know how to push your buttons to get you there..

PLAIN AND SIMPLE..HAVING A SECRET FRIENDSHIP WITH SOMEONE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IS WRONG AND INAPPROPRIATE..as the book title says THEY ARE NOT JUST FRIENDS..

Under no circumstances is this ACCEPTABLE OR APPROPRIATE..If your MIL is supportive of this, she is wrong. I am the mother of a son your age. He is not married but I don't even like him talking to girls other than his GIRLFRIEND. I don't want him to "break her heart". So don't let your MIL or anyone else try to convince you that what he is doing is OK. ANYTIME that he spends with HER..on the phone or otherwise IS TIME THAT HE NEEDS TO BE SPENDING WITH YOU OR YOUR YS OR DOING SOME WORK AROUND THE HOUSE....

Get it?

No chance whatsoever. He's in it deep.

ditto mimi - you're priority right now is you and the baby.

I suggest you call up Erica and calmly inform her that you and H are not getting divorced, are not getting separated, and that you are X months PG with your child with him. The reason to do this is to counter the lies he has told her. We don't know what they are, just that all WSs lie to their affair partners as much if not more than they do to their spouses. Do not tell your H that you are going to do this.

After this call, do not contact her again. Attempt to find out how to contact Erica's boyfriend. Spill the beans to him. DO NOT warn Erica in your conversation with her that you're going to do this.

Since you're bedridden, start phone counseling with one of the MB counselors. If you can afford it, it's money well spent.

Stop ranting and raving, begging and pleading. Would you want to hang around someone like that? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Read the links in my sig line below - especially about exposure.