I have seen some good things and some bad things regarding both partners posting on Marriage Builders. I think that the good would outweigh the bad. I hope to build a list of good reasons, bad reasons and requirements for this to work torward building a stronger marriage. All comments are appreciated and welcomed. I would ask that you copy my list and edit it by changing what you do not like or just adding to it. I know that this is a touchy subject but my W has been lurking and I would like the information before she reads something that upsets her (which, if she reads my original post, she very well could be upset).

The BAD

• Reading the venting of your partner and using it to take shots at each other.
• DJ's and other LBs do show up sometimes while venting.
• <Next>
  

The GOOD:

• MB experts getting both sides a story will almost always help.
• Provides a second source for getting motivated. When only one spouse is motivated, conflicts usually occur (the motivation would have to be posted to both threads).
• <next>
  

The Requirements:

• Block each other as posters (kudos to LovingAnyway)
• Show your spouse that, if you login, that you cannot read each others posts.
• MB'ers would need to quote themselves on information that needs to be shared on both threads.
• No links to each others threads should be provided (use #3 instead).
• <next>
  

Thanks,
C-

I would add to The Bad...

Reading and being unprepared for the truth of your spouse as posted. (you can say it better, G2)

Know the ground rules (which you're doing admirably)...

H has his truth...W has hers. Each is sorting it out.

The dynamics on the board seem to mirror your real life. Makes the aid you receive more potent and viable. Only if both know that if they want to "get it", they have to give that respect to each other and to themselves.

Bet that becomes mirrored in the marriage, too, doncha think?

LA

My FWW used to post here but stopped after a few months. Some of the reason are becuase of what you already said, along with...

The GOOD

[*]You can write down your honest feelings and get feedback from others


The BAD

[*]You can write down your honest feelings and your spouse may not like it


The UGLY

[*]Neither take the time to talk about what was written or how it was viewed and you feel like your going backwards rather than forward

Both sides of the story provides added perspective. Not always good, not always bad.

MB experts? Where?? I don't think there are even any self-proclaimed experts on this website. If you are seeking expert opinions, this is the wrong place.

Counsel with the Harleys if you want expert opinions on the MB concepts. This site can be helpful when used as a supplement to professional counseling but it can also be harmful and enabling if mis-used.

I'm not aware of any H/W posters of late that have greatly benefitted by posting on the site together. At least not when an A has been involved. Perhaps someone could list a few but I think a list of failed attempts would be longer.

I currently know of FOUR people, off the top of my head, who have had to FLEE this forum because their WS came here and the BS could no longer get the help they needed. They now post on other private forums away from the WS.

I think that the key is to not invite the spouse here until the marriage is really in recovery. If the couple is still combatting OP's and considering divorce, they shouldn't come here because that is when the BS needs special help in bringing the marriage to a point of recovery. Sometimes the strategies designed to do this are undermined when the poster's spouse is here.

So, it is for that reason that I recommend waiting until the marriage is in recovery.

<<<bump>>>

What Melody said.
If nothing else, I do not think a BS/WS should ever post to each other's threads. I would not block them, because nothing should be hidden from a spouse, but each person should only post to his/her own thread and never POST on the spouse's thread. That virtually always devolves into endless, hideous on-line fights and helps nothing.
Mulan

Mulan,

I too have seen a horrible example of that. If we do not block them, I think that the tempation can be too great. Also, I do not mean to block them permanantly, just until both parties can handle each others versions of reality. They will have to decide.

I do wish that my W would post here. I cannot say that we are in recovery (still a little vague where the change over to this point is) but from what she is telling me, she really needs some folks to talk things over with.

C-

You know, G2...if you have faith in your own self control to NOT read her posts...that might be safe enough for now. See, her reactions, her choices are made clear here. There's no blame for you if she comes and decides to read your posts.

Her choice.

Her power.

Her personal recovery.

I have faith in you.

LA

LA, I am BS of Dummy whose posting on 3-12 you answered. This question has been rattling around my brain since we both registered with MB. (our counselor gave us a printout of one of Dr. Harley's articles, which led me to MB and a lot of 'lurking' The good and the bad points make sense. As Dummy stated in his posting, he has a hard time sharing his feelings - this is a major problem in our marriage. All the reading and exercises we have done have helped. I have found out that he has lied to me about many things in the past, not just the A. My point is, Dummy is now starting to open up about his feelings so we are able to communicate better than we ever have. He has also been able to write what he is thinking and feeling, then read it to me. This is a huge step for him, and a big help to our relationship. I have read his postings and yours to him, with his ok. There are no surprises, I know it all. I do need some support, a place to vent my frustrations, a sounding board. Our family and friends don't know about the situation we are in so we really don't have anyone to talk to. Dummy needs this formum as much as I do, if not more. So, what do you suggest?? I won't post my story until I have some input.

Thanks, stillcrazy

Great to meet you, SC...(affectionate abbreviation of your name),

I was happy to see Dummy's post tonight and learn of your communication. To see you both posting, well, that is worth staying up for!

I believe you each should have your own thread in this forum...and agree to not read each other's threads to begin with. You can block each other if you feel tempted. I suggest this because the freedom to get to our own truth is scary, let alone getting to it with our beloved there. Not that either of you cause this, just a human reaction.

I also believe that doing this will promote the good communication beginning between the two of you, because you will most likely share what is happening on your thread, certain points that you ponder, and it will be about you, not him and vice versa.

Try not to judge who needs what more. You both have been led here and will benefit. You are both seperate and equal, in your own ways, with very valid feelings, thoughts and beliefs. You are contributing a gift to others by sharing. You know that from your lurking.

I lurked, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

You each have your own journeys here, I believe. Your issues will focus on you, and his on his. It would greatly help you two seperating those issues, if you were like me, and couldn't seperate the two!!

It happens. It is called marriage. We have more years with our partners than our parents. That says a lot, doesn't it?

Thank you for making my day by posting. I hope you will also post here, in the Infidelity GQ II forum. Your courage to do so will be richly rewarded. I promise.

You can kick me if it doesn't, 'k?

LA

I have gotten my WS to post here begrudgingly but hope it will continue. I am a firm believer that neither should read the other's posts. My logic was that WS would use posting as disinformation or else be afraid to post what she really felt. Defeats the purpose. Also factoring in that WS has rewritten a lot of history makes what she has to say fairly meaningless to me in the greater scheme of things and just confuse my action.

Yes we can block each other's posts but that is way too easy to defeat so forget blocking as effective by itself. It takes discipline or, in my case, swearing on a Santa Bibla (I only have a Spanish version at the moment).

The biggest risk of a WS posting here is that he/she gets battered so mercilessly that they never want to return. Fortunately and to the credit of MB, my poor gemela has gotten a good reception AFAIK.

I think it is great that MBers get to see both sides. I am convinced I am right about everything so MB people can get a better opinion balancing the two without taking my word for it. Most importantly, gemela can communicate with people who have been where she is and help her understand that, although her situation is "unique", it is just like everyone else's...

Have separate forums, one for WS, one for BS.

Or just not tell each other's user name etc. That way each could still use this site, to get their own help, maybe even read each other's post but not really know it's their S.

They might think it's someone with similar problems as their own.

As for me, my FWW has not posted on here but I have found it very helpful to get input from WS, FWS's. It has let me see things more more clearly from the WS point of view.


Just a suggestion.

You are contradicting yourself. You say that WS and BS should be in different forums and yet you say getting input from the other side has been helpful. How would that work if they are separated by forums? I have found the input from FWS invaluable. I am glad we all share the same cyberspace.

I am a FWW, and I started to use MB after my husband had been already using it for a couple of months already. We both posted in different threads and that helped us a lot. We would read each other's posts and sometimes get angry because of it. But it helped us nonetheless. Because sometimes we would not say to each other what was really in our minds for fear to offend one another.

It is plus to read the other side of the coin to learn how to improve the relationship!!

A different forum on this same website, I'm not saying that WS and BS's can't read each other's posts.

LA,

Thanks for responding. Looks like you are a 'night owl' like me!

How do you block someone from your postings??

I am ready to post but if Dummy and I shouldn't be reading each others postings - - not sure that will work unless blocked. Sometimes the only way he can really communicate is to write it down. I'm not sure he will talk about what he posts. I generally have to initiate any conversations about 'where we are and where we are going', if indeed we are 'going anywhere' with this marriage.

Anyway, HELP!!

LA,

I forgot to say I couldn't locate my posting to you last night, so I clicked on your postings and found it. Where can I find it without having to go to your postings??

LA,

Thanks for responding. Looks like you are a 'night owl' like me!

How do you block someone from your postings??

I am ready to post but if Dummy and I shoudn't be reading each other's postings maybe I should wait. Not sure that would work unless they are blocked. I was looking at reading each other's postings as a way to communicate. Sometimes he communicates better in the written form. I generaly have to initiate any conversation about our relationship

I posted about the above this morning but when I went back to see if I had a response it wasn't attached to the original thread. Ergo, this may be repetitive. Sorry!

Anyway, Help!

LA,

I will try this for the third time. I posted two respones to your 12:16am post this morning and when I tried to find them they were not attached to the original thread. Not sure if I'm doing something wrong. Have never been on a site like this and I'm still learning how to navigate on the pc.

Anyway, thanks for responding. I guess you are a 'night owl' like me!

How do you block someone from your postings??

I am ready to post but if Dummy and I shouldn't be reading each others postings I guess I should wait until blocked or Dummy and I have an understanding. Not sure it would work without blocking. I was thinking reading each others postings could be a form of communication. Dummy sometimes communicates better in written form.

Thanks for you help!

stillcrazy