Hi Mimi,
I did not see this post and FWH was saying you were trying to reach me.
Yes I loved the rose. I thanked him and smiled genuinely for the first time in a long while. Then kissed him and went out to lunch with him, and I paid the bill. I told him about 10 times how much I loved it.
I did give the rose away, but would not have if I knew he would get upset. He didnt even tell me he was upset and joked about it. I am very allergic, and he has never bought me flowers for that reason. I cannot even be in the same room with them, I get a huge migraine from them, eyes water, ears itch, nose runs. So another friend that has been dealing with her FWH, was who I gave the rose to. I told him that and he thought it was good, at least thats what he said. I probably hurt his feelings. But there was no way to keep it in my closed office, or drive it home in the car with me in it.
He has started giving me little notes. I love them.
He leaves them on the table for me to find in the am before work. Makes me smile all day.
Recovery issues:
He has lied repeatedly to me since dday 9 months ago.
He continues to make promises and break them, big ones especially with my boundaries
I continue to give and give, and he up until 3 days ago, just would take and take
He leaves out important issues to suit his needs
He still has a problem with being transparent
He still "protects and has illusions" about OW
When I am upset about an issue, he will get all depressed, snuggle up to me, and get his need for affection met, and I still keep meeting it. Its like a game, I am upset, he snuggles, pouts, and clings on me. I end up feeling sorry for him and hug him, hold him and comfort him. He falls asleep and I find myself angry. I have explained this to him, and he keeps doing it.
He still is not open to me. All conversations are started by me. He does not tell me how he feels, what he is thinking, what I could do for him, etc.
He does not POJA anything he does, but I POJA everything I do. Example: He wanted to work 3-11. I did not want him to, because with me working days and him on days to, we had days off together alone without the kids, and time with them too. With 3-11 his days off would change, the kids would hardly see him, and I wouldnt either. I took a job 7 months ago, to spend time with him, less hours, less stress, so we could work on the M. I POJA'd that with him and we both agreed. Now he took the 3-11 job, even though I said I didnt want him to. Now I see him about 5-7 hours a week and the kids about the same too. Then one day he comes home and says that with the new 3-11 job he has to go away for school, out of state for 4 weeks and up to 8 weeks at a time! I said, absolutely not. He said he has to and I have to pick which dates (actually yelled this at me) I refused. I said we are to POJA this, he refused. SO it was left there. I did not agree to the 3-11 job, actually disagreed and he did it anyway. He also told me the day after he took the job that he could go back if it doesnt work out. Now he says he cant.
I took a lesser job, with his days off to spend time with him. Now we POJA'd again, and I am quitting my job to spend time with him because of his choice once again. I just feel like I have sucker written on my forehead sometimes.
I feel like I am putting in 110% and he is putting in 10%. Once I start feeling like he is trying, and tell him I see the change and its wonderful, he stops.
He has done this many times before. He changes for me, but not for him. Not long term changes, just to quiet me for a while, then back to his old self.
He never asks me how I am feeling. I have issues that I deal with everyday from my childhood abuse. Sometimes SF is just not do-able. Yet he has many times just done it anyway and I am left curled up and crying. I want him to know these things, to ask or listen when I just want to talk. He does not want to hear about the abuse, which is fine, but he needs to understand that sometimes I just can't. I have asked him to learn about some things. Like coping mechanisms, how to support me if I have flashbacks, etc. To show empathy is impossible for him.
When I make an effort to spend a day with him, he either gets on the computer, watches tv, reads,messes with the car, or plays with the dogs. I try to do fun stuff, or just lay and snuggle, etc. He has his list of things he wants to do and ends up doing them. I wait and wait until he is ready.
I plan A'd until the love was gone. I do not trust him, or love him. I consider this my last ditch effort. I put everything out on the table one last time for him. I need someone to love me and someone to love back. In changing and healing, I have grown so much. He has been left behind and has a long road ahead.
Ok I guess that is enough. I feel like I am LBing him all over the place. I do not like that and dont do that to him.
I hope I answered you what you meant.
JE
