Lost,

I know it all seems so hopeless, but as you have already been told. These feelings are very common, and they will pass. You might consider seeing a Doc, and requesting anti-D meds. They take a few weeks to kick in, but do help. Believe me, I had the overpass support colum I was going to hit at 80mph picked out (ensuring my policy payed off to my kids).

Every time I would get really serious about following thru, I would picture my 3 kids reactions, and how my 5yo baby girl would not understand what happened to Daddy? All because I felt so hopeless, and wanted to show my wife how much I really cared. To say "see what you have done to me".

In a relatively short periods of time you will become stronger, and its then you can really begin to fight for what it is you want and deserve. But first you need to get yourself in order, for the sake of your children.

Does he only chat/email from work? If he does this from the house when you are not around. You can install a keylogger to monitor all his computer/internet activity. Including accounts you may not be aware of.

Keep reading, and listeing to those that have come before you and survived.

I hear you all, and what you say is very true. Very good sound advice. I know that alot of people have moved on from this, but i also know that i am just not strong enough. I guess i am a dependant person, not one to go it alone, so i know that this is a breaking point for me. If he stays i will continue to hurt him over and over, if he leaves it will kill me. Maybe this can help some others that are going thru this. On meds already, have depression, considering going off, help to see things more clearly. Not mask my real feelings. Couldnt get into the account after all, he told me he would come home and go thru it with me...more lies. He is still in the fog, passing the blame onto "before" the marriage. Wants to fix the problems we had before, not address the affairs, very clever way to detract from facing the truth. managed to get a glass of milk down. all h*ll why bother.

just one more thing...really really appreciate all of you getting me thru last night, please dont think i dont appreciate it.

LT,

How are you doing? Glad you made it through last night.

Be patient, like the rest of us, when your mind and heart get back in sync you will find the WS is not worth losing anything over. In fact, what you will want soon is revenge for the hurt he has dumped on your family.

That's really where we need to concentrate.

Please click on my sig line on the 5 stages of grieiving link.....read it and let me know your thoughts.

Btw, you thinking of seeing the doctor for anit-D meds?

L.

LT - you need to consult long and hard with a good mental health counselor before you quit meds for depression. Many people are far more clear thinking on the meds. If you have a medical reason to be on them - then going off them will only cause you a lot more pain and confusion. If you are already on A-Ds, and do not feel that it is helping - maybe you need to consider uping the dose or changing. When we go through the stress of an A, it does alter our chemistry. Many people need to up their dose during stressful times. Your Doc can help you figure out what to do. But getting rid of the meds is probably not your best solution.

Lots of folks here will back me up on this one. Because we all KNOW.

Talk to your Doc about it.

Hope you are getting better. I will continue to pray for you.

far

I know what will happen when i go off the meds, thats the point. I have my plan, but not brave enough to do it yet. Son layed in my arms after school sobbing, he says the only thing he is afraid of is us getting...and then he said he couldnt say the word. At bedtime he asked me if i changed my mind. Daughter has made me three "get well" cards today, she only knows that i am "sick" i failed my marriage and now i am failing my kids. I know that my H made the choice and that he did it but if i was a better person if i made him happy he wouldnt have strayed. He can tell me that it was his fault all he wants, but i know the truth. i am just not good enough

Well - you gotta get the blame out of your head. If you are not good enough, then I am not good enough, and no other BS is good enough. That is Bullshot.

Both spouses contribute to a marriage that is not fulfilling.

Only one spouse makes the choice to go outside the marriage. If my ww consulted me first, I would have said "no" and busted my a$$ to find out why she would feel like cheating. But she did not give me the choice. He did not give you the choice.

What will happen when you go off the meds?

WHAT would your children do without you? If you really love them as much as you say - then how could you EVER consider leaving them without a mom, and with the baggage of a mom who checked out?

You are absolutely the person GOD has intended to raise your kids!

My kids - two days ago - were asking me if mommy and I were still getting "ivorced". I told them that I do not want to. (March 29 I will be.)

But I have got to strap on a pair of balls and show my kids a good example. Show them what a faithful partner looks like. Show them what a faithful parent looks like. And they will benefit from it. My daughters will look for a man that is faithful to the bitter end. They will look for a man that will not walk away from a F#####G difficult situation - but stare it in the face.

My son will become a faithful man. He will know what to do when adverse situations come.

But they will not learn that if I check out.

YOUR KIDS NEED YOU. NOW MORE THAN EVER, MORE THAN THEY EVER WILL.

LT - ALL OF US HAVE SPOUSES THAT STRAYED. Why do you think we are here?? Huh????

LT - strap on a pair of balls, and stand up for your kids.
(creates an interesting visual, doesn't it?)

We are here to help you EVERY STEP of the way.

Any time - day or night. (we just proved that, did we not?)

Bring your issues here. Let 'em all hang out. The more info you give, the more likely you are to find someone who has been there, done that, and can guide you to the next step.

Just keep bringing your thoughts here.

True bravery is standing up for your kids. And you can do it.

far

Let me know when you read the post from FAR posted just after your last post.

Of course to the WS you are not good enough. R U stupid to believe the words of a WS vs your family?!??!?

Your children want you well and you want then t/b unahppy w/o a mom (whome they love)? Why?

L.

My H is trying to take full responsibility for it...HE is not blaming me, I am blaming me.

When I found out about affair #1 i actually thought about taking my own life as well as my childrens. I did not want to leave them with a WS and knew that by me leaving them it would ruin their lives. But then i realized that i could NEVER kill my children. Their are many children that go thru life without a parent, they are both wonderful kids and would get thru.

Just found out last night that H is now unemployed..now i am facing losing everything else I am a SAHM. The loss that my children are going to have to face is unbearable to me.

Not planning on killing myself right now, but have it on the back burner. its funny bobpure has posted about a BS who hung himself, i read that and am envious that he had the strenght to actually go thru with it. I read about the pain of the daughter and know that my kids would not have that. They have a good family support that will take over. Yes i realize that they will miss their mommy, but i dont think me being around now is all that great for them. I am constantly crying and when i am not i am a zombie. Actually they have it good because i dont have it in me to parent...you want candy, sure, you want to do this sure as long as i can be alone in my bed...whatever you want...is that what they need? My H despite the A's is a good father and loves his children...he will do right by them.

Where can a girl get a pair of balls, never had them and dont know how they would fit.

You know LT, your self pity stance is getting annoying. Your H is NOT a good father if he is in an A mode whether. This includes if the A is in his head.

Your children will never get over a suicide in one's family. For those of us who have had relatives who HAVE commited suicide, we know.....there IS no getting over it. You move forward but you never ever forget.

My H's brother commited suicide, my grandmother's 1st husband commited suicde, when I was 5 a neighbor with a young son who I used to play with committed suicide and later a next door neighbor in a different neighborhood commited suicide and this is just osme of the ones I know.

I don't want to know of a person who I am trying hard to help do something as useless and as stupid.

What is your H doing to take responsibility? What is he doing to help you heal? What are you doing together to help your family and each other?

Suicide isn't something that goes on a back burner. It needs to be discarded, put out of your mind. You need to focus on true needs to help yourself and your family.

If you think your children are gonna get over you and be ok, you are fooling yourself like the WS who let's the OP convince them their children don't need them. That's what the OW told my WS. Fortunately as much as my WS had his head up his azzz, his ears musta been partially still sticking out 'cuz when he heard that he told her she was nuts. The OW in our case didn't have children so her POV was crazed like the rest of her conclusions. Those conclusions were driven by selfish needs.

Right now you need help. Your H is unemployed, as a family you must focus together to keep your family together....not just hurt them again with something stupid like suicide.

I sure hope some of this is getting through.

L.

sorry that i am annoying you, i will stop. peace.

What r u stopping?

Edited to add: Ok LT, I make 1 statement about you 'annoying me' (i.e. the need to make suicide a part of your life) and then I proceed to write a whole bunch of other stuff to help you get past that POV and all you respond to is the 1 liner with an apology?

LT, you gotta step back here. My being annoyed is my problem.... I can stop posting to you or anyone else at any time. I choose to post to you because while I read and can feel your pain, I can see there is hope for you and your family. Can't speak of the WS yet but this isn't about him....it's about you.

Now are you gonna give us a chance to help you?

L.

i just want the pain to stop. It has been to long. Not just this. My head is spinning, my mind is racing. Everything reminds me. I have no one, except this board and now i am driving you all away to.

I know there is no room for self pity on this forum...i just didnt have anywhere to turn.

I prayed over and over and the only thing that came to me was to come here.

LT...You are obviously here for a reason. And you are NOT driving anyone away here. Sometimes, things are said as a way to help a person snap out of whatever mode it is, that is consuming or destructive.

I don't know your whole situation, I have to read up on this thread. But I just wanted to at least let you know, that when you come here, you are not alone! The people here really do care, and support is offered in many forms. Please don't be offended, it is well intentioned.

Hang in there, and keep posting! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer

LT,

Glad you responded. We understand about how loss we can feel with all this A stuff crashing around us. My previous questions to you were designed to help get things back into perspective.

Wanna try reviewing them again?

Try going to the library and check out the books: Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Both are by Dr Harley.

You must see past your immediate pain to know there is light and hope past this point. Like having a migrane and wanting to treat it by shooting yourself in the foot.... that will not fix the migraine.

So let's help you put things back into perspective ok?

Sometimes I offer to chat by phone. Let me know if you want t/d that. I can send you my e-mail addy. You decide. You still have the option to keep posting here and others will help but you do have to read and respond so we know your POV.

Can you do that for us?

Thanks,
L.

i will try. i need to go right now, will you be on the boards later? my H said he would be on later too to offer you HPOV. I think my view of HPOV is skewed and maybe it would help you all to see things better.
thanks

I will be on the boards off and on today. There is usually someone here most of the time.

Your H wants to offer his POV? Interesting. If mine is up to it, he can even call and chat with my H (Xws). LOL!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> It's been done before. We do have free weekend minutes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Btw, we are waaay out west. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Let us know. I will check in periodically.

Have a nice day.

Aloha,
L.

I have some errands to run this afternoon. Will check back in when I get back.

L.

Was holding my very whiny daughter today (she had a sleepover with her friend and had no sleep) and her little arms were around me so tight and she whispered to me "your the best mommy" and then i knew...I cant leave this. I hunger for her daily kisses i would miss them so bad.

Then my also crabby son (stayed up to late watching a movie with us last night, cause sister is at a sleepover) and after pitching a fit about nothing stormed into his room...i layed in bed with him and again i though...you would never really kill yourself and i hugged him tight.

that said i still feel so lost, but at this time have had a moment of clarity. Sometimes I just feel like there is no other option. I tend to react to things emotionally first and then my head kicks in with common sense. I know suicide is not the answer, but i sometimes it feels like its the only option to make it all just go away....anyway going to have dinner now.

Orchid: where are you from? I am in Illinois.

why cant i hold onto this strenght. I swear this has turned me bipolar...one minute i want to die the next i think that i can do it and work this all out and then something comes up and again the lows. And this is all in a matter of hours. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />