Do you and your family go to church?

You don't have to answer that, if it is too personal of a question. Just curious.

I find that to be a very positive and uplifting source of comfort, myself.

Hang in there, this will get better. I know that probably sounds like a broken record, but I believe this will get better.

Prayers to you both and your family!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer

Jennifer:

OOHHHH that is another problem in itself. I have tried to get my H to go with me but he is very anti Catholic but doesnt have a strong religious denomination. I do have a bit of fear going at this time because when i was going, he stayed home to "work" and that is when he was contacting the OW. So i stay home and pray. I would love for him to pray with me but that is just not going to happen.

Last night, i kicked him out of my bed, made him sleep in the guest room. Thinking about plan D. I don't really want to settle for a WS. He feels his privacy and secrets are important to him, so i either have to live with a WS and deal with it or not accept that behavior. I dont think that living with lies is what i can do anymore. So here i am again back to square 1.

*sigh*

LT, I'm sorry you are feeling in limbo, again. I know this is such a painful type of situation to be in. Secrets and privacy...hmmm, my idea of respecting privacy in a marriage, would be to let him shut the door when using the bathroom, or plucking nostril hairs. The only types of secrets being kept by him, should just range from a surprise party to a BIG boil on his butt!

I don't know what his definition of secrets and privacy are, but I think this would definately interfere with any open communication between the two of you, in the marriage. How does he respond to you, when you tell him how you feel about the secrets and privacy? Is he understanding, or defensive?

Well, as far as church goes, God is everywhere, not just in church. So you can pray just as well at home, as you can in church. The only thing you'd be missing out on in church, would be the fellowship and spiritual support.

Ok, so you are back at square one. Is he aware of this? Have you talked to him about how you are feeling, right now?

I continue to send you all prayers and hugs!

Jennifer

hey...

she has talked to me at length... to the point of telling me that what i write on this board is all an act, that i'm coming off as the "good guy", that i'm not telling the whole truth.

as far as secrets and privacy goes... i'm both understanding (to the extent that i know she finds it unacceptable) and defensive (that my privacy is something important to me). is their common ground? i'd like to think so... but it does fly in the face of the policy of radical honesty. i'm just not there yet... and i don't know that i'd ever be really comfortable being there. opening up after the affair last spring was so incredibly difficult for me... and it did NOT make me feel better, or closer, even though it did those things for LT. or at least that's what she tells me... but she still used some of things she discovered against me. and i know i deserved that... but i still feel i could have avoided much of that by simply stating my mistakes and regrets and not going into details that only seemed to damage activities we used to relish in sharing together.

and being banished to the guest room... well, that makes me all too aware of being back at square one... or possibly even worse. thank you for the prayers and hugs...

- steve

Hey, there, WL. When my XH decided to come clean, he gave me more detail than I asked for, or even wanted to know, for that matter. I felt I knew enough, to know we had problems. (I only WISH I would have had MB to come to, back then!)

The first time it happened, and he came clean, I thanked him for his honesty, but I told him if it happened again, his honesty would mean nothing, I'd be gone. Because he would know beforehand, what my response would be if he chose to repeat this.

A few years later, it happened again, and he disappeared for 4 days, because he KNEW what would happen. And yes, I left, before he even surfaced.

I felt that if I had stayed, I wouldn't be able to ever get over it, and NOT bring it up all the time and be constantly paranoid. I was in my own ******. I can forgive him, but only because I left. Even now, we can be friends. But I should add, there was MUCH more destruction in the marriage, besides just infidelity. Drugs and alcohol were involved.

LT and WL, I think if you truly wish to recover, than you have to 100% COMMIT to recovery, just like you committed yourselves to each other, when you took those vows. And this means, that there cannot be continuous behaviors, such as throwing past mistakes at each other. I also believe there should be 100% openess and honesty with each other. I don't know if "details" are necessary, unless it will only play a positive role in the healing and recovery.

Trust is VERY difficult to rebuild, once it has been violated. WL, patience plays a HUGE part in this. I know it was difficult and you were very uncomfortable with opening up with LT, but that was very important to LT and your marriage. Yeah, that hurt, but in time, it can get easier, and help your communications with her. And things might come up in your face for a while, which is normal. But there comes a point, when it is no longer healthy to either one of you, nor the marriage, to keep beating a dead horse.

Sorry, I somehow got going on a ramble session. I'm definately no MC, especially beings I am divorced. But these thoughts are coming from a sincere person, who can look back 11yrs., only to say, "I wish I knew then, what I know now!" And WHERE do I know such things??? My parents!

Anyway, I want you both to know, that I truly believe there is still hope for your marriage. Keep coming here and posting, and talk to each other. Obviously, it was love that brought you together in the beginning. And I believe it is LOVE that has brought you both here, to this marriage building site, TOGETHER! Because you both are still here! Praise God, for that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I think it would be a good investment, to get all the info. offered here on this site, that you can and the book, HN/HN. And READ, READ, READ!

Take Care...Jennifer

PS...and thanks for allowing me to vent a little on my past! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So u both feel like u r back to SQ 1? Is your game board going in the same direction?

Privacy? That's something my Xws lost and had to gain back. Can't say he has it all back since I still keep plan B in my back pocket.

Yet he does have his time t/d what he feels he wants or must. For example, he loves to golf and I don't. Well I haven't mastered it enough t/b fun to partner with. So I try t/b understanding since I don't feel like a golf widow....yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

This privacy thing s/b gradual and for the right reason. WL, u lost your right to privacy when you used it to break your M. What makes you think you earned that back right now?

LT, don't hold too tight on those reigns. That buck will buck espeically if he is an Xws and not your H yet.

U both have to give each other healing room yet holding room. Be there for each other and understanding.

LT, I am gonna tell you that I see you displaying some yoyo tactics that if I was in your Xws' shoes, would really tick me off. Now stop being such a whinny but and don't manipulate every chance you get, ya hear?!?!?

Be wise and make your needs known in a stragetic manner. I hate whinny people. H's family has 2 sisters and MIL like that.....arrrgh..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Looks like u both have stuff to work on. Now each of you try, try real hard t/d something nice at least once a day for each other.

Ex:

LT: cook a nice meal. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
WL: hang up your clothes and her's too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
WL: wash dishes or vacuum(now that c/b quite sexy). LOL!!
LT: give him a gentle massage....give him some reading space.

take care....remember u 2 got each other....there are many here who wish they were in your shoes.....

L.

Bump to the top...

Are you two alive, today, or did we scare you off with our posts? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Ok, you 2, WHAT is going on? Ya'guys alright? Let us know.

hey jennifer...

sorry for the long lapse there... i haven't been on mb and LT hasn't felt like posting. i just saw today that you've been asking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

we are alive... and not scared. i'm more grateful for your posts than anything else... i think LT is just thinking about things and hasn't wanted to respond yet.

orchid... you talk about a "right" to privacy... but to me it's as much a need as openess is to LT. therein lies the rub... trust is earned... and i haven't earned her trust... but my privacy IS important to me, in ways i have a hard time describing. i've always been a fairly closed person, and i don't trust ANYONE (although my friends would say i'm TOO trusting, but i think it's all a matter of perspective), and after all that's happened over the last year since the first affair... i'm overly reluctant to ever open up again. that's my issue, and i'm working on it, but i doubt i can do anything on my own and i've recommended m/c to LT to help get us on the right path. or at least begin communicating in a non-angry/non-hateful/more productive manner. at least that's what i'd hope for.

orchid... i re-read your post again... and i'm not pissed off at LT. i don't consider her actions "whiny" either... more like a bubbling up of hurt and anger and i tend to take it all in if it helps her feel better. i don't know if it really does though. but she dies what she feels she needs to do and i accept that.

anyway... that's all from me for now. i'll try to write more tomorrow.

- steve

WL,

Good 2 hear from u. Tell LT, we hope she is doing ok and give her a {{{hug}}} from us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

As for your 'need 4 privacy'....well....IMHO seems t/b a big bump in the road. That could throw the marriage cart out of alignment....is your need worth that? If so, you probably never should have gotten married. Me thinks, there's something else you need to unload. Why?

Well, my H is a 'private' person also. He is also a friendly and helpful man but there is a side of him that he guards close to his heart. Seems he can have friends but more at a distance. In other words, he is the one who keeps others away. His family he keeps at an even greater distance so when I married into his family....well I did not read 'the will (or the fine print)' and inherited more than I realized. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

'nuff said.

Back to the privacy issue. That is something WL you need to reconcile. Can't have an M with privacy hanging around. You know that bathroom, bedroom and bed? That's meant t/b shared. U aren't roomies, you are 1. So no privacy when the 2 unite as 1. Hm...... didn't know that was a requirement, eh? Many don't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> But it is.

LT, is bubbling hurt but so are many other BS' here with worse sitches...... the fact of the matter is once the Xws commits to recovery.....it is easy often tempting for the BS to start demanding the time and attention....almost like making up for what was lost. Sad fact is, u can never recover what was lost, only fix the future.

See the WS loses out on the family time that the A took up. The BS and family loses out of the H and dad time that should have rightfully been their's. There w/b anger to pay for that lost time and attention. It is your job to do the best you can on a go forward basis. You can expect the BS to bring up the past. How often is the key.

LT needs t/b smart about how she uses this tool. It is powerful and useful but can be overused to the detriment of the entire family. It is tempting to use everyday. Ask my H. He will tell you that I still to this day, think about what happened. We are going on 3 years past the end of the A and still yet it is a daily thought. The nightmares have stopped but the thoughts haven't. My coping mechanisms are better but I am still healing and it is his job to understand how to help me heal.

L.

WL, I'm glad to see that you've come back. I was starting to worry about you 2.

I know this has been difficult for you both. Tell LT that we are still here, and willing to listen. Give her a big hug for us.

Also, thankyou for posting on my thread. It's always good for me to hear another perspective.

You both hang in there, and keep us posted. And tell LT we are here, when she is ready to talk. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Take Care...Jennifer

big hugs all around... thanks you two... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

orchid... great comments on privacy. like your husband, i'm the one who keeps friends away. family too. in fact, after the affair last year i basically stopped speaking to everyone. my family never even saw me on my birthday, nor did they get to talk to me. i closed up... and honestly i've felt that way ever since... going out of my way to avoid everyone. except for my wife and kids, where i've focused the majority of my time and attention. this isn't a criticism of that... i love spending time with them... and they've become my all... but at the same time i am constantly reminded of what i've done and there's no escaping nor reconciling that. again... not a criticism, just something i have to learn to live with somehow. i admit i haven't done a very good job. and LT keeps asking about the "fine print" now... THANKS... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

speaking of LT, she is reading your posts, and others on MB, but i don't know why she no longer comments. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> she knows you're there though, and i'm sure she'll be back...

and you're welcome for my two cents, jennifer... although i'm hardly the best person to comment on relationships... but it does seem like at this stage a "wait and see" approach is a good idea, rather than rushing into a dramatic change you're unsure and uneasy about.

anyway... just posting before bed... thanks again for the perspective.

- steve

Hugs to both of you!!! Keep us posted! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer

I have not posted because there is no reason to. I have been trying to stay strong for myself and thwart the idea of killing myself. I have realized that this marriage is over and am having trouble moving onto the next step of D. It is a very hard step for me because i do love my H dearly, i just know that i cannot live sharing him with other woman and his secret online personas. Is there such thing as a BS fog, i think so because i am in it. He can say one thing to give me hope and then i think we can work it out...but then it is back to the secrets and lies. Or he will touch me and it melts me for a moment and i try to believe that this could be better than ever...but then the secrets and lies rear their ugly head. So here i am trying to deaden my heart to him, which is meanwhile killing me.

LT, I am so sorry you are feeling this way.

Are you absolutley sure that D is what you want? I know that regaining trust is one of the most difficult things to do, once it's been violated.

The emotions you are having are the typical "roller coaster" ride. One minute, you feel one way, and the next minute, you feel another. A certain look, or touch or action can send you into a spin of emotions.

You both have to reach that place, where this all HAS to come out. Communicating is the key. I don't know how it was before, but right now, it has to be laid out.

Have you tried calling the MB radio show, or the Harley's? Or are you pretty set that D is the answer. Does your H want a D, also?

LT, I want you to know that I have been praying about this. I also put it on the prayer thread I started. Somehow, God has to give you and WL the strength to proceed.

I do know this for a fact. Death is NOT the answer! Your children would be eternally destroyed by that, especially if they knew it was your choice. They'd blame themselves. And it would be just as painful to them, as the A was to your marriage. (More)

Anyway, LT, I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I was glad to see your post, tonight, and I pray that you will come back, and keep us posted. Even if you think there isn't any reason to post, there really IS. (((LT))) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Take Care...

Jennifer

LT,

U r going through what most BS' go through. Those stages of grieving don't make us feel good but like any healing, it takes some rough times to reach the good ones.

Your trust factor is in the toilet.....needs to be pulled out, cleaned up, dried off and pampered and fluffed by your H. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Listen dearie, this stuff takes time. Do you have everything instant in your home? Don't you like some old fashioned cookies, goodies, dinners......enjoy the crafts made by the sweat of someone you love's hands, see the hard work of a master craftsman/woman? This kind of stuff has value and so does our family.

What I see is you in a bit of a slump, depressions c/b. Go visit your doctor and MC, get something to get help get you over this slump. Maybe some natural rememdies c/b cost effective.

Work at this together. You have it better than most. Take a look around here....or else....hm... or else, I might be forced to share with you all another one of my A horror stories. LOLLL!!!! Enough to make an Xws skin crawl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Uh-Oh...Orchid is about to pull out the BIG GUNS, now!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />..... is that a dare? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Which one you want? Da' one about the laundry bag, prego 3x, emotional divorce, false recovery stories, letter to OW, OW threatening to get me fired or arrested, OW claiming I was lesbian having an A with my FIL? Oh,...... there's more and I know I'm not the only one with stories. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


L.

Good Grief, Orchid!! You could write a book, and make big $$$!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

And HOW could you be a lesbian and have an A with your FIL? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> YEAH, I want to hear that one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Please, do tell! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />