I know the standard party line on exposure. For those not familiar with my tale, the PA is broken up by distance but EA continues off and on. I am guessing mostly on but I don't know. I have stopped checking on WW entirely. What I do know is that WW will make commitment neither to R nor to the M. FIL has never been told although WW told MIL herself. She is afraid of FIL knowing. My nagging doubt is - should I tell FIL about the A? I don't really care if that gets WW mad and causes her to leave so there is no real downside for me. Any movement at all on part of WW is better than this stagnation I find myself in.

I don't know if telling FIL would cause her to reconsider the EA or not or if she is simply too far gone to be affected by anything any more.

I love her and am still trying for R but I can't do it alone. What do I do? Do I just keep waiting or do I try to get her to make the decision one way or the other?

WAT and Mortarman both told me scorched earth. Expose to anyone who can positively affect your marriage. Who can negatively affect the A.

Just passing on info.

BTW - exposure works very well . I know.

Does FIL have a heart condition?

L.

Healthy as the proverbial horse.

Traicionade, since FIL doesn't have any health issues, I think you should expose to him. As foundareason has said, expose to anyone who can positively affect your marriage and negatively affect the A.

Officially, as long as the affair continues, expose far and wide. That includes Emotional Affairs, as far as I'm concerned.

On the other hand, your W is posting and although her heart may not seem to be into it, she is apparently taking steps in the right direction, right?

Also, examine your motives... if any part of you feels like you might be exposing out of anger and frustration, then don't do it until your head is perfectly clear.

Also, how is your Gem's relationship with her Dad? That would probably be the biggest factor in my book...

BTW... you said you swore on the Bible... are you a Christian?

(and no, I'm not trying to find a loophole for ya)

That last post reads like a rapid fire somethingorother. Geez, sorry about that.

I got fed up with my writing and edited out all the cra... er... extra stuff. Probably shouldn'ta done that.

I think you are getting ahead of yourself and impatient. I also think you are reading your wife's posts. Are you?

No. I swear on all that is Holy that I am not reading my WW posts and I will explain why:

1) I swore on a Santa Biblia right in front of WW. I can't go back on that. (Oh and dewt, yes I am Christian even though I live in a God-forsaken land. Don't EVEN ask me of my opinion of Qibba.)

2) WW is isolated and getting advice from the wrong people. I honestly believe she is better off trying to get help here from people who can understand exactly what she is going through. In reading enough of the FWW posts, I can see that she is not unique and may be quite typical. I think she needs people who can help her understand herself.

3) If WW thought I were reading her posts, either she would stop posting or she would let that influence what she posts. Either way, she would not be getting the help she really needs.

4) If she is not telling the truth (i.e. she does not really understand the truth) because, according to SAA, she has rewritten history and is like the addict, I don't want to get caught up in the confusion of her lies. I don't want to go chasing white rabbits.

5) If you consider what I have been telling adrianc for a very long time, I am just trying to follow my own advice. I have the paranoia beast under control and wish to keep it that way. I think I am doing us both a favor by trying to just be me.

6) I can go either way on this deal. She is free to go at any time. I am not going to compromise myself to try to influence her.

I don't want WW to even think she is sending me messages through her posts. I told her very clearly that, if there is anything she wants me to know, I want to hear it directly from her. I have me blocked from her posts. Obviously I know how to defeat that. Simply logging out. I am not going to. If she does decide to separate and leaves, then I will go back and read those posts just to try to help me understand a little better.

FIL is a hard guy to get hold of. He calls here occasionally. Every time I pick up the phone and hear his voice, I am so tempted to just blurt it all out. My post stems from what Bigger said a few days ago about how it was time to get off center. He said we were getting stagnant and it was dangerous and that I needed to do something to try to get WW to commit to R. At least dewt is aware of my tragic IC appointment two days ago. Since that time, life has been really hard on me and, to be honest, I think adrianc is dragging me down. That is not his fault. I just really feel for the poor guy.

Almost forgot, I do check to see that WW does post but not what is said because our deal is one post per day at the least. She did not post yesterday because it was a day full of activities.

Your appointment was awful - but it happens. I think I would go see a regular physician and get some anti-D's.

Your wife is very early in this. The OM is for all intents and purposes out of the picture. She is having trouble letting go of the fantasy, as do all WS's.

I would wait on telling your FIL. And that is only because it would be so devastating, and the affair is OVER. You are just witnessing it's death throes.

believer,

I have no clue who you really are but if you told me to walk blindfolded across a NYC street at rush hour being guided only by your directions, I would do it without hesitation. I will say nothing to FIL.

I am, however, not sure I want AD's. I thought I wanted that but now have my doubts. The only serious problem that has me concerned is my inability to concentrate. I can handle all the other issues but I have to be able to do my job. If I find that I can't, I will go for AD.

traicionado,

Since there may be folks reading this thread not familiar with your sitch, shouldn't you disclose the impact of exposing to FIL given the culture your WW comes from? It may change the answers you are receiving.

traicionado,

The busted IC appointment was unfortunate. No more and no less. Move on.

You need to stay away from adrianc for a while. I challenged him to find threads in which he can give advice which will help his own situation. It will give him a badly needed perspective. You cannot save him without effort on his part.

You must continue to manage Plan A. There is no other choice. You know that I am on record disagreeing with the advice you received that put you on this current path. Just calm down and scale back your analysis for a few days. Live life and let things be. See if the world impossibly continues to spin.

Traic, is Gemela reading? I'm doing my best. Myrta an FWW who doesn't post much anymore is Spanish. She could REALLY help. I don't think I have her e-mail any more but perhaps you could do a call out.

Myrta posted yesterday on CV's thread over on the Recovery Forum. Her husband Stanley is also there. tt

KiwiJ,

I think Gemela is reading. I am not quite as bad as dewt with the whip behind soulloss' back but we have a deal that she posts at least once a day. My guess is that she does it reluctantly at the moment. Hopefully that will change. You will be a better judge of that than me. For all I know she just writes "bump".

One big problem we have is the time zone. I have told her there are better times of the day to post than others. I think if she does become interested, she will begin to realize that and find better times to post. For now, I can only ask that you be patient and not give up on her (or us).

Posting in Spanish might help her somewhat but I think it is also a pretext for finding excuses not to post. She can struggle through in English if she makes up her mind to do it and, in English, she will have a much larger support group. For now, all I am asking her to do is post and I have not asked anything else. If she decides to run off with OM, she will need to learn English very quickly so posting in English will be good practice in case that happens.

Right now I am not sure she wants help because I think she believes there is nothing wrong with her. In her mind, the problem is everything and everybody except her. At least she is posting. It is something anyway. We'll see where it all goes.

ToddAC,

believer is familiar and told me not to disclose so I need no further advice. I am going to spend the rest of the day on SI. At least there you can curse all you want and the language police don't filter it out. I discovered that the MB "bad word" filter doesn't speak Spanish. That is a useful tidbit. Unfortunately the home PC is set to Arabic default so I can't put in the accent marks which limits my option of bad words. I'll go see you on SI only I am guessing it must be about 3:30 AM for you at the moment so - oh, hang on a tick, you're still up! Go get some sleep dude!

ToddAC has a nasty headache dude. Keeping me awake. I will talk to you later. Stay calm.

Is it ToddAC that has the nasty headache or his evil twin, ToddC?

It's one headache shared by both. You will hear more from ToddC. You threw an apple at me. It will be thrown back. After the headache clears.

Traic, I've put a call out to Myrta.

I know you think it's best if Gemela talks in English but I really, really think a Spanish speaking FWW could be a lot of help.

Also Myrta is feisty as all get out and doesn't take any crap from anyone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />