All I know is that I took AD's for a few days and stopped. But that first morning was wonderufl. I loved everyone and everyone loved me. I could think clearly for the first time in a long time. I forgot to take one at bedtime a few days later and the next day I was more or less back to normal. I realized the impact those little pills had on me and it scared me enough that I never took another one. I will try a different one however. I am really tired of all this reality.

T,

I guess I should speak up. YOU ARE NOT DEPRESSED !!!! at least you don't have a clinical depresion. Kiwi gabe you the signs and symptoms and you don't have them. What you have is a "normal" depression due to your situation or whatever because even when we are not living this kind of nightmare we are not "joyously happy" all the time.

I wish we could be and some actually do manage to be like that through the grace of God probably.

Anyway back to the ADs. One of the problems in a situation like ours is that it is hard to concentrate and hard to enjoy things and even to think because of all those thoughts and problems that invade our minds. ADs can help in that sense. They MAY give you a little peace and more probabilities of being able to think better, act better and work.

The first and most obvious signs of something that is not right with a person from a MENTAL point of view is that he/she is not able to perform adeuately with t least ONE of the following:
personal higiene
work
social life (including having relationships and family)
sex
Most people with severe menatl illness obviously don't do well in any of these areas.

So,you probably don't have problems in any of those areas. YOU ARE NOT SICK. This is just a phase in which ADs can make things easier. You will get through it. It's like using anestesia for a delivery. The baby WILL BE BORN anyway
but you can make it an easier experience.

So stop worrying about ADs and what they are doing. You have to wait at least 3 months to be able to look back and see if they have made any difference in the way you acter in the last TWO MONTHS to be able to see their effects.


Patience is the word.
did this help?

The anti-D's don't make you happy - you need the illegal drugs for that. But they enable you to concentrate, sleep, eat, and get things done.

If you aren't sleeping, try taking them in the AM. That's what my doc advised.

I was reading CNN this morning and it looks like the illegla drugs may not be illegal by the time we get to Mexico. That is something anyway.

LOL, B, you always make me laugh.

Traic, it sounds like you're on the same one I am. It is very good and has very few side effects. The best thing is that it doesn't have the nasty sexual side effect the others are notorious for. (Not being able to O).

Yes well I think I need to up the dosage. Yesterday afternoon on the way home from the office we were talking. WW told me that DD1 was invited to go watch a friend take a riding lesson at 6:00 and WW told her she had to ask me if it was okay. Then she went on about maybe getting DD1 in riding lessons (plan is to buy the coughing horse next birthday - coughing one per ToddAC's recommendation) and that she was talking to a woman about it. WW told me that we should sign up with the French riding instructor because he was the best. Okay maybe I should not have said this but I just got angry in an instant and my response was two words: "another affair".

Well WW gave me a very incredulous and very angry look and did not say another word. When we got home, it got into a big fight and basically I told her that I don't see her wanting to try to resolve this. I see her as wanting to try to forget all this. She is not going to IC, she doesn't want us to go to MC, we can't talk about the past, etc. I said if she has another A that I will send her packing. She asked if I thought she could have another A and I said absolutely I believed that. She had learned to believe that having an A was a good and acceptable choice within a M and she could do it again. I told her she blamed me for her A but at the end of the day nobody pulled down her pants but her. Nobody forced her into bed with OM.

I told her she could run off with him but she had better keep herself in good shape because all she had to do was get a few wrinkles and he would be gone if he did not cheat on her before. He had no respect for marriage and would easily cheat on her. She asked about proof that he had affairs with married women. This was funny because I told her that he had an affair with her and she was a married women so obviously he didn't respect marriage. When I said that, she go a strange look like that thought had never occurred to her before. She was only worried that he had cheated with OTHER married women. I told her I couldn't care less about the OM becuase I didn't blame him for the A - I blamed her.

She said that all the things she had been doing lately to try to improve the relationship were obviously not having any effect so she would just stop making any effort. I replied that was fine but we should go all the way and D. She said she should just stay in Mexico and not come back with us and I said great. Whatever she wants. I simply don't care. I said I refuse to let her hurt me again like she did before. We were not doing the DDs any favors by maintaining a sham marriage. I refused to maintain an empty marriage for the DDs. I refused to live the way her mother lived with her father. I said that if she were like her mother I might do it but she was not even worthy of walking in her mother's shadow. I told her she was selfish and egotistical and had done nothing but hurt everyone around her for her own desires and wants. I said I was done and wanted out. Then it was time to take DDs to the riding lesson so I did.

When I got back, I didn't say anything. WW came to me and said she wanted to keep trying if it was okay with me. I said if that was what she really wanted then we would. It was her choice for the time being. I said I was sorry for what I had said (another affair). She said she was sorry because she had reacted badly. I went upstairs to play with my Archos AV700 PVD which I had gotten that day. She came up to see how I was and to apologize. She kissed me and then went to make pancakes for the DDs. I went to sleep before she came to bed. Depression is good for sleep.

Anyway, that is the way my day went. Full of LB's, DJ,s. If she had agreed to D yesterday, I would have been perfectly happy with it. It was not anger that got me to that conclusion. It is some sort of evolution within me. It is giving up worrying about the future and accepting whatever decides to come along. I really know that I am going to be fine regardless of what happens. I don't need gemela for me to be okay. Am I losing interest?

Traic, no one ever believes me when I say that what happened with you yesterday is almost essential to recovery.

My H said what you said, word for word, sentence for sentence, except he said he would go back to England and I would never see him again.

When he asked if there was another OM, I was really shocked. I thought he understood that it was the love affair of the century. (sarcasm there).

It was strange because I don't think I really was angry when I said those things to her. This was not my anger talking. I was looking at her - fixed on her - and thinking I can live very happily without this woman. She made alomst no eye contact with me for the hour we talked.

If I was angry about anything, it was not the A. I felt frustrated that she is in stagnation not trying to do anything to resolve it. I told her she had created this mess all by herself so it was up to her to fix it - one way or another.

I told her I knew she was here only for the DDs and I had put up with it for that reason. She vehemently denied she was only here for the DDs and said she was here for us. I cut her off and reminded her she had told me since the beginning she was only here for the DDs and had told all her friends and family that too so she had me convinced. I was totally convinced she was here only for the DDs.

She asked if I had proof OM had cheated with other married woman. This has been a nagging doubt of hers since the beginning. I said yes I did and she asked how. I said by his phone records. She asked why I didn't show that to her and I said that I had decided long ago that I wanted her to stay because it was her choice to stay. I did not want her to stay because it was her only viable option. For this M to work, she had to decide this is what she wanted so I gave up trying to tell her who the OM really was.

In the past when we had these little blow ups I was torn between D and M and I was always hopeful that she would decide to stay. Last night she said she wanted to work on the M. But you know what? She will be up in an hour and if she says she has changed her mind and wants to D, I will be fine with that. I don't think I will feel any disappointment at all. And yet at the same time I am probably more committed to R than ever before. It is just a very strange feeling. It makes no sense to me whatsoever. It just doesn't matter to me what happens. I can't say I don't care because I care very much - it just doesn't matter.

I will say that, at some points during our conversation, I saw evil WW come to the surface - the WW that is the innocent victim that blames me for her A and all her problems. The WW that blames me for depriving her of a life of happiness. It was not so much what she said but the look on her face. It is almost like she is two different people in the same body. Evil WW didn't stay long but she is still in there. Good WW took control again.

I'm glad this happened. It's about time.

I hope things get better. You have my prayers tonight, so does Gemela.

We have a saying here, T. We say that there comes a time when the BS is the most dangerous to the marriage.

And do we have an explanation of what that means around here also?

I think it's in SAA

I will go look but can you point me in a general direction? Beginning, middle, end? I don't remember that form when I read SAA but I will take the book to work and read during lunch. WW has a lunch party to go to so I won't come home.

Sorry, I've been looking for it. But basically, after the WS has no contact with the OP, and comes back to the marriage (although begrudgingly), the BS often has a change of heart. It might be that after all of the hurt, the BS has second thoughts of whether or not they want their partner back.

I think I posted about that a while back as it has been a concern of mine since the beginning. Basically if I get WW to come back to the marriage and then I decide it is not what I really wanted, I might (okay would) feel obligated to stay in the M just out of a sense of moral duty.

But part of that result depends on WW too. If she continues to withdraw from my love bank (contact, refusal to commit, etc.) then my love for her changes with time so, in a sense, she has direct control over whether I desire to remain in the M or not and I cannot control that.

So if I come to the conclusion that I want to end the M, I have to believe that WW will need to take ownership of that too. Basically she has a lot of balls in her court. She needs to start swinging the darn racket.

I really have a lot of hope for your marriage. I think Gemela will realize that she was living a fantasy.

I also think that the OM was a predator. Don't know about the riding instructor though.

Hmm.... well, traicionado, you will be happy to know that I just threw my 2x4 back in the woodpile.

I would have had the same reaction to the French riding instructor as you. It seems to me that WW should have been more sensitive to how it would sound considering OM was an instructor for DD's.

I am at a loss to understand how what happened helps R for you and WW. Not denying it in any way and since my WW threw SAA away, I cannot research it myself. Will you post what you find?

One question: are you numb or indifferent?
.

I don't think gemela has ever even seen the French riding instructor. It just seemed too close to home when she said it. Besides, the French are famous for their attitude toward fidelity and marriage. I have no idea how old the guy is even. It doesn't matter. The lesson my DD went to watch was conducted by an English woman who has a reputation for being very good. Not sure why gemela honed in on the French man. I can guess. I don't think she is actively seeking another A. I think this is just her MO - part of her ego satisfaction.

She got mad and said I would take charge of riding lessons and take DD1 to the stables. I said that was fine and I would but that was not the point. I was not running a jail and gemela was free to conduct her own life including affairs if that is what she wanted. I refused to support an open marriage and if having affairs is her choice, she can (will) walk. The drill here is not keeping gemela from opportunity. The drill here is to have a happy and stable marriage so gemela passes up the opportunities that come along.

I think I am seeing gemela start to question the A and the veracity of the OM. She is asking me too many questions to try to prove to her that he was not for real. I refuse to help her. She has to stay here because it is her choice.

She brought me to work this AM and we hardly spoke. I was not in the least bit angry. Maybe I am indifferent. It just doesn't matter to me one way or the other. All I can do is try to make my life what I want it to be. I feel like she needs to "step up to the plate". If she wants to stay in this M, she needs to get her rear in gear.

I think she has been making some efforts - yes. But hand holding, cheek kissing, etc. only goes so far. We still do not communicate and this is still an area which she says is off limits.

I asked why she had stopped going to IC. She said she has been really busy. I said that it was a shame that golf was so important to her but her marriage was not. Just seemed like the priorities were wrong. Well, if we get divorced, I doubt she will get much opportunity to play golf.

Well don't try the one I am on because you could have O's and, in the wrong place, that could be a little embarassing. Have you ever seen "When Harry met Sally"?

(Sorry KiwiJ - couldn't resist) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

YOU GUYS JUST KEEP MOVING THE DARN GOAL POSTS!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />


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