Two years ago my husband had gastric bypass. Within a year he made all new friends. My family has always taken precedence in my life, as
it should be in anyone's life. We have always done
things as a family. There was a time shortly after
getting our first horse, when my husband know longer wanted to do
things as a family, he excluded my daughter and myself from
everything at the barn. His horses and friends pretty
much consumed his life. He was know longer interested
in things at home, mostly me. In Feb of last year he told me he was
not happy w/ me, wasn't sure if he loved me anymore
and he was bored. My initial thought was... "What
have I done?" I tried numerous things to make him
happy, nothing I did prevailed. The night prior to
a roping clinic, our daughter and I were at the barn
waiting for his return from a trip. He phoned me and
suggested I go home as it was going to be a while
until he got to the barn. I saw his phone the next
day and right after he phoned me to go home, he text
ed the barn manager w/ "I am on my way!!!". (she is known to be very primiscuous) The next day of the
roping clinic he was angry w/ me for tagging along w/
him, I couldn't understand it. After I watched my
husband chase this woman around w/ a rope, I went to the
truck to get warm and his 2 phones were there. While
checking his phones for answers, I got answers. I
felt the volume of calls to and from her were just
a bit much, that is not even including the massive
amount text messages. She had a very nice ring tone
on each phone, while I had a siren. I thought that
just a bit odd, considering he has probably 50
contacts on each phone, she and I were the only ones
that had ring tones. He explained to me that he was
screwing around on the plane w/ the phones. There were so many things to numorous to mention. (Such as 2 trips to Florida) At this point I am becoming increasingly
concerned w/ their friendship. I begin to
voice how inappropriate it is for a married man to
have such a close friendship w/ another woman. By
this time he has included our daughter and wants me to join
as well. My thought is to become her friend, after
talking w/ her on the phone, I phone my husband to tell
him, and I find that she was sitting right across the
table at lunch from my husband and did not say a word
while she was talking w/ me. I think this is rather
sneaky. This type of behaviour continued. Now... my heart is broke and I am
enraged. My thoughts were... How can a married man
and father spend the majority of his time w/ another
woman,(whether it be on the phone, texts, emails etc)
and it is platonic? He is adamit that they are just friends, she is his best friend. I used to be his best friend. Finally... In Oct. my husband tells
me that he did indeed ask her if there could ever be
anything more her reply was "We are too good of
friends". This woman knew my husband was overly fond of
her, and she came into my home as my guest, this was
insulting. We tried counseling, the counseler asked my husband to describe this woman... He said "she is a whimsical peterpan". I never condoned this friendship and I fought it every step of the way. I fought for an entire year for him to get rid of her. He said he did not enjoy the horse competitions w/ out her, she is a vital part of the horses. Well I fought him right out of the house, he left me a month ago, he said I wore him down and beat him so much over this woman and he is just friends w/ her. He said his feelings for me have swiched off like a light switch and he does not love me after 13 years. How do you stop loving someone like that? He is still best friends w/ her. I used to be his best friend. He is so mean to me now. When he picks up our daughter, he won't even look or acknowledge me. You would think I have killed his mother or something. He tells other people he does not want me to know his business. He says he wants a 6 month separtation, to wait for his feelings to return. He says his heart is telling him it is time to move on w/ his life. He says he is happier as he does not feel guilty anymore.

Please advise me as to what I should do. I love him and would do anything. Was I wrong? should I have condoned this friendship? What can I do to get him back?

Julie

Hi Julie,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are going through this...I'm no expert here, but I am quite familiar with what you're going through and the damage that EA's can have on a marriage.

Check out the following:

plan a tips and musings...get grounded here

**** Bob's Newly Betrayed Spouse MB Toolkit ****


You are NOT wrong to feel uncomfortable with this friendship!!! The problem with EA's is that they are ambiguous enough to be able to be justified, but they are SO damaging to the marital relationship. Your H might genuinely be unaware of the damage it is causing, OR he might be aware but quite comfortable with the excuse that they are "just friends".

Believe me, ANYTHING that comes between two married people, and drives them further apart and threatens a family, is INAPPROPRIATE!!!

There are three possibilities:

1. They really are "just friends". The relationship does NOT have a romantic future. This friendship is taking up all his emotional energy and he has none left over for you.

2. They are on the slippery slope of showing affection for each other, and unwittingly expanding on their feelings for each other, and your H is either knowingly or unknowingly comparing this relationship to his relationship with you. This friendship is taking up all his emotional energy and he has none left over for you.

3. They have already "slipped", already have feelings for each other, and may or may not have admitted this to each other. This friendship is taking up all his emotional energy and he has none left over for you.

Notice the common thread in all three possibilities...he has no emotional energy left for you. This IS emotional infidelity. It's too bad he can't see it. Make SURE you are aware of it, that it's real, and that it hurts you. Don't settle for this, this is YOUR life!

I know EXACTLY where you are.

So let me assure you, you are NOT crazy, you are NOT wrong! Your H took a vow to exclusively love and cherish YOU, even through hardships, and it is HIS responsibility to turn towards you when he is feeling unsure, not away. Robbing you of your emotional needs within a marriage is nothing short of emotional abuse. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this right now, I know it hurts, and I know that you feel powerless and out of control, and this is MUCH worse when faced with an EA... EA's are so much more damaging than WS's are able to admit to.

So what to do? Read up on Plan A, 180 treatment, work on yourself, AND choose to be happy no matter what the outcome. I am going through something similar, and after all of the abuse, I am finally getting to the point where I refuse to endure this forever. I'm NOT saying to give up, wanting to work things out is a CHOICE, but try to get used to living with uncertainty, do things for yourself, try to meet his emotional needs as best you can, detach from relationship talk, and communicate that you are unwilling to live in a triangle, friendly or otherwise, for the rest of your life. Don't settle for anything less than a wonderful marriage!!

Sneakily snoop so that you can understand the depths of the relationship, try not to let what you find consume you! Easier said than done! If this is causing trouble for you, learn to detach from the situation first. It is HARD, but necessary, remember that the man you love is gone right now, and while he is emotionally attached to someone else, your affectionate efforts WILL be largely wasted. DON'T worry about it. THIS WAS NOT YOUR CHOICE!! What he is doing is inconsiderate of your feelings.

When you have proof, consider exposure. I mean CONSIDER. Be careful, this will be a huge love buster, and you have to weigh the pros and cons. You have to decide what is right for you, I have exposed somewhat, but it's a tough thing, EA's can be explained away pretty easily, and your H is continually doing damage control to justify this "harmless" relationship. Do not be a doormat, be firm of your boundaries, but for sure you will feel used while Plan A'ing, giving with nothing in return.

One thing I've really learned lately: don't give H and OW fuel to talk about you and your marriage. It'll give them something to bond over, and they'll ruminate and rationalize all the ways that you are wrong and how they are right! Not fair, I know. Don't fuel this fire! It won't matter right now, he'll tell you black is white right now to justify what is going on, no matter HOW you are able to justify and back up your statements. Get concrete proof, but be aware that even this is likely to be insufficient to cause him to stop.

He will/is blaming you for the things you have done wrong, no doubt exaggerating and rewriting your marital history to justify what he is doing, minimizing the good things in the marriage, and maximizing the good things in his EA. It is the ONLY way for him to feel good about what he is doing right now. No doubt he has said things that make your head spin, disrespectful things that you thought you would NEVER hear from a person who promised to care for you forever.

Follow the above plans and NO love-busting. Control your emotions and don't give him any reasons to be upset with you. I made this mistake. Don't cause any more damage, take this away from him. He will already be creatively thinking of things to make you out to look like a bad person. DON'T BELIEVE IT!! This was his choice, not yours, YOU are the noble person for choosing marriage, for fighting the good fight!

I don't know you're religious, if so, put your faith in God. Your going to be OK. You are the better person, you are sensitive enough to others not to allow yourself to do the same to him. Know in your heart that either you will:

1. Someday be an excellent wife within this marriage and you will be happy... or

2.Someday be an excellent wife within another marriage and you will be happy.

Hmm...looks like you will get to be happy, HOW GOOD IS THAT!

Cheers and take care of yourself!

Hmm.

You've had the "I Love You but I'm not IN Love with you speach" Check.

He wants to move out to have some space. Check

He is happier because he doesn't feel guilty anymore. Check

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but he is having an affair and probably more than an emotional one. He wanted to move out so he could screw OW without you hindering him.

You might want to post on General Question II as well. There's lots of people on there who are going through this and can help you.

Regarding exposure - Exposure is NOT a love buster. It's a tsunami of truth designed to end an affair. As such, rather than a careful considered approach, know that if your marriage is to have any chance of survival that you have to smash the affair and nothing is quite as good at doing that as your Husband seeing how sleazy he looks in the eyes of other people who care about him and who he cares about.

Expose him (when you have evidence) to anyone who can influence his actions including parents, relatives, friends, OW's stable owners, children. In short anyone who could be your ally is smashing the fantasy.

If you don't do this, forget about Plan A or Plan B. Aliens are impervious while there is an affair in progress. And always remember your pain means nothing to your wayward spouse.

I have spent a year exposing multiple things, he always had an excuse. Beleive me... everyone knows about this, and how his behaviour has changed dramtiacly since his wheight loss surgery. Some of his friends from his old life are happy for him, that he can physicaly do so much now, and on the same token are hurt that he know longer hangs w/ them. A few friends are deeply hurt and feel replaced. One of our friends from his life prior to the surgery told me last wk "you were the last to go". My husband knows and justifies it all by saying "just friends". You do not call your "just friend" a "whimsical peterpan" in MC if you are "just friends". His EA has a 16 yr old son whom molesested a 5 yr old girl. I found this during the summer from another source, he told me I did not need to know as he watches our daughter. I know for a fact his love for me switched off when I warned another mother to becareful w/ her child around the EA son. The 5yr victim's father phoned me about exposing this (girls father is also EA's boyfriend and and friends w/ my husband) EA BF does not know a fraction of what I do. While I was outside talking w/ the BF on the phone, my husband was in the house packing right in front of our girls. The BF did tell me that he thought something was going on for about 3 months last year and he got to know my husband and thinks that would never happen. Thing is the BF is only here on wk ends, he lives 3 hrs away. I did not tell the BF much of anything. Regardless of what my husband says, I am not mean. All he had to do is what I have been begging for a yr for. GET RID OF THE ******! I often think of phoning the BF and telling him everthing. Then I think 2 things will happen. 1. They will all just laugh and make fun of me. 2. I will loose my husband forever. All of his friends in his new little group know much more than I do, I am sure, they know everything. The one that knows the least is the BF.

He only cares about what his new friends think, his life long friends whom he replaced are very dissappointed. But he doesn't care what they think anymore, he doesn't talk w/ them much.

Julie

Exposure is painful for all involved, but necessary to get things moving in the right direction.
Keep pressing on, I hope all turns out well for you.

Hi
This is my first time on MB.
Everything you said reassures me that I am not going through things alone and it is not all my fault. My husband has been living with the OW for 6 months now. It is a co-worker. We have been together for 20 yrs. and have a 17 yr. old daughter. I was completely devasted when I learned he had been calling this woman since Nov. I asked him to leave at beginning of January. Instead of getting his own space he moved in with her. He wants to be my friend and we have been spending time together, phone calls, text messaging. We have great moments and conversation but he makes no effort to leave her. I have worked on Plan A and decided to switch over to Plan B. I miss him but it just seems to be hurting me more when he returns to her after we've had such an amazing time together. I think its time for him to realize what it will be like without me. He is having his emotional needs met by both of us right now. I want to fight for my marriage and hope I am doing what's best for now. He told me the other day that he doesn't love her-he said how could he because he has only lived with her 6months. He told me he loves me as a person but not physically. This has me confused because every time we're together he comments on how great I look, hugs me, touches my arm or hand and looks at me with feelings in his eyes. He told me our marriage might have had a chance had the OW not come into his life. I don't want to hurt anymore and feel like his 2nd choice- I'm his wife. The OW has a history of bad relationships- engaged twice. I really hope that eventually she will find another man to get her claws into and ask my husband to leave.
I take one day at a time and keep believing in my marriage.