Good Morning Everyone.

How is everyone doing this morning? I am doing ok so far. I'm just sort of numb feeling and I don't know if I am getting better or if the AD's have me feeling this way. I think what is bothering me most is I'm afraid that I will never again feel for anyone the way I felt about my STBXW. I'm really scared of going through the rest of my life alone. I guess all of us feel this way. I really enjoy being married and loving someone with all my heart, but I can't fake it.

Oh well. Catch me up on everyone today.

I feel the same way. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone either. I'm really scared about it. I love my husband so much , I keep telling myself that there's no possible way that I could ever love anybody more than I love him. There's a bluegrass/country song about a lady who fell in love with a man who gave her heart to him but he rejected her. And she never loved again, she died lonely and brokenhearted. I don't want to be that woman, but I fear it will be. I will be lonely and brokenhearted while my STBX finds a new and perfect love and lives life to its fullest. It makes me sick to think about it. Sick and weak.

How was the game last night? Have a good time? Which game did you watch? I hope you and your friend had a good time and was somehow able to keep your mind off of the disaster that you are going through.

I have a Dr. appt today to get AD's for my depression/anxiety. I hope they help.

My evening last night was very uneventful. Picked up the boys, cooked supper, watched TV and then to bed. My husband put his arms around me when I was cooking supper, said he missed me. He said "did you miss me today" I told him I did. He said "well I wish you'd act like it". I just don't get it at all.

It's not the going on that bothers me, and I am not sure that I will spend the rest of my life alone. At least I hope not.

What I think that bothers me the most, is that I will never again be able to give my heart so completely. That I will never ever be able to trust and love so wholeheartedly again because of the pain I carry with me. I have always believed in love, and knowing that I still love my STBXH, that while I may begin again with someone to alleviate the loneliness, for companionship, etc. etc., Never again will I be willing to risk this pain for the sake of some ideal which is beyond my control. I didn't stop loving my WH, he decided to move on, and becuase he decided I have to accept it and live with it, and in his mind, just get over it.

I thought there was something wrong with my car last night when I came home, the interior lights would not go off. I tried everything for half an hour or more, and then just sat there and cried for another half an hour. All the things I took for granted before in having in my life just overwhelmed me. I finally gave up, and figured I would just wake up to a dead battery and have to get a neighbor to help me out this morning. When my DD came home from work, she took one look at it and realized that the back window was not closed all the way, and fixed it for me. I felt like such a fool. I have got to stop letting the sadness rule my life.

I guess those feelings are typical for someone who really loves another and loses them. I don't believe that our spouses will find their perfect love somewhere else though. They are unhappy in themselves and another person will not be able to change that. It may be hidden for awhile, but it will come back to bite them. There's an old song that says "For everything you win there's something lost" and I believe that if a person throws away someone who truly loves them, they will someday feel that loss.

The game was good. It was Arkansas vs. Mississippi St. My friend was actually my boss, and we had a good conversation. He is also friends with my STBX, so we didn't talk much about her.

The AD's will help you. They take a couple of weeks to take full effect, but they will even out the rollercoaster ride some.

I don't get what your H is doing. Does he want you or someone else or both? Remember tough love. You are doing great.

Morning all,

Very uneventful evening last night. It was one of those days w/the kids though, that I couldn't wait until they were in bed. My 4 year old was acting out something terrible. He kept hurting his little sis - it just was not a fun evening. Doesn't help that I am congested w/a cold and the weather is yucky today too.

I just keep praying for the best with my H. I am hanging onto those few things he said to me yesterday. That he does love me & that he was actually looking for a new home for all of us. I keep praying to God to give me my family back & help make it stronger and better than ever before.

One day at a time is my motto now. I have to do what is best for me at this point and let everything else fall into place however it is meant to. I was originally going to hold off on going back to work, but I think now I am going to start pursuing it. DS will just have to be in preschool 5 days and I'd have to find a daycare for DD. Just stinks because we are going to be moving and I am not certain where b/c of the circumstances. I'd also have to take some training to get me back up to speed in the industry I used to work in. That would be about a week or two - so I have alot of things to think about. Not only for financial reasons, but for myself, I really think I need to work. I thought that being a Stay at home mom was what I wanted, but I am not sure now. Up until 2003 I worked for 13 years in the same industry and had a great job. I think, for myself I need to go back. I was going to be spiteful and hold off until my H made his decision, but I am not. I want to do it for me, not just him and our family. It feels good to sort-of have a plan and to know what I need to do for myself.

No matter what, I do believe that I will be ok and that whatever happens is for the best.

Sorry for being so longwinded - have a good day all!

Thankful, it sounds like you are in a good state of mind. I like your statement about being "ok". That is where we all need to be.

I think it's great that you have an interest in going back to work. I also think that fits in good with the "Tough Love" mentality of "I love you, but I can and will make it without you". If we all could get to the place where we recognized that we are special and that our spouses are lucky to have us, then we could get through anything.

Good morning Two. I hope you are feeling better today. At least now I know not to ask you any questions about fixing my car. I really feel that after you have healed from this, you will be able to love again. I think that all of us will.

Tired: I just don't know what he wants. And asking him does no good because he can't give a straight answer. This is just the way it has to be. He says that there's no one else, but I know that is a lie. I just don't know what the heck is going on.

A couple of weeks for the AD's to work. Sheeesh, I didn't know it would take that long. I need help now. But if I have to wait then I have to wait.

Blue: I have noticed too that my patience is very limited. If I'm trying to figure something out or do something simple I have no patience whatsoever. Tuesday night I was trying to get a knot out of some strings that were on a shirt I wanted to wear and if my H hadn't have taken it from me I'd have ripped the stupid thing up. I lose my patience and then all I can seem to do is sit and cry. I get so frustrated so easily.


Thankful: I too am praying for the best for you and your H. You are right, whatever happens is for the best. My proablem with that is, I'm having trouble accepting that this D is for the best. Because it's not. It's tearing our family apart. I used to hang on to my H every word...until I realized that it was just a lie. If I had a nickel for everytime he told me that he wasn't leaving me then I'd be a rich woman. Everytime he'd lie to me or we'd get into an argument I'd keep telling myself, "He said he wouldn't leave me" and then I'd feel better. But he was lying. He knew what his plans were yet he still looked me in the eye and promised me that he'd never leave. I believed him, I believed him. And he lied. KNowing what his plans were.

I need some more advice. My H keeps asking me what I want to do for our anniversary. It doesn't really matter to me. Really it doesn't. We really have nothing to celebrate. But he keeps asking. I told him I would leave it up to him. He said we could stay at home, go on a short trip for the weekend, just go out and eat...whatever. He keeps asking me what I want to do. I don't want to LB, I don't want to sound short with him. But it really doen'st matter to me. I just want him to decide. What should I tell him?????

I was never cut out to be a SAHM, and having been raised by a single mom, I grew up knowing I could handle anything. Fix the washing machine, basic auto mechanics, even high finance. I put myself through college with 2 small children, bought my own home even. I can manage life with the best of them usually. I have always been one of those people that functions well under extreme stress and all my friends call me the go to person in crisis situations. I have never been afraid to tackle anything and could always find the grace to laugh at my own mistakes. Since WH left I have not been able to put one foot in front of the other without careful concentration and things that I normally could handle blindfolded, I can't even begin to fathom. It's the first of the month, and though I have tons of work due, I am on the internet!

I can't seem to stop thinking about XH, who hasn't bothered to call me in over two weeks. I hope the AD's kick in soon. I know I can't control this, I know that moving on is the right thing, but my heart has control right now and will not let my head take over.

Soon, you could say something corny, like, "It doesn't matter to me, I just want to be with you" or something like that. Or, if you really don't want to celebrate, just tell him the truth. I guess, in all my troubles with STBX, the thing I always wanted was the truth (didn't get it very often, but still wanted it).

Two, I know that feeling. With me, it's not so much that I can't do the things I once could, it's more that I don't care about doing them. I know we get sick of reading this, but it will get better with time. I don't think we ever forget these feelings and memories, I think that we simply wear them out. I know when I get upset about all of this, I tend to think and worry in a circle. I find myself getting upset about the same thoughts over and over again. I am now getting tired of thinking these things. Time will help.

I just wanted to say a quick goodbye for the day. I'm leaving work early. I am having a very hard time today and I have to get outta here. I'm nervouse about everything, I can't breathe. Feel like I'm trapped. And nothings happened, I haven't talked to H since early this morn. I dont know what's wrong with me. I don't even know where I'm going or what I'm going to do, I just know that I can't be here. Not right now. I keep trying to slow down and breathe and get calm but I can't do it.

This is driving me crazy. Here I sit at work every day in this state and my H is taking care of himself, eating right taking all these diet supplements, exercising every day. How can this be so damned easy for him. i want it to be that easy for me. why can't I just forget about him, pick up and find someone who really cares about me. Why do I want him so bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Boss just walked in, I'm going to go for now. I will check back in tomorrow morn. have a good day all.