I've been reading posts the past 5 or 6 days and I decided that I am
ready to post.

My background (I don't know all of the acronyms yet so bare with me). I am 30 years old. My wife (29) and I have have been married for over 6 years. We have 2 girls (5 and 10 months). My wife is a high school teacher and I am in publishing.

On On Jan. 9th of this year. My wife confesses that she was having an affair with a coach at the hs. The OM is a friend of the family. Their friendship started at the beginning of the year.(He isdivorced... no kids.) WS would invite OM over to eat dinner... I also on occasion would help OM out.. (drive him to a game when his car was
in the shop). I was trying not to be the jealous husband, and I thought there friendship would be ok.

Our main marriage problems: We got married, graduated from college, had a baby, moved to a different town, and new jobs all in a 12 months span. This took a toll on us financially. Money has always been a struggle w/ us despite good jobs. We have never communicated well
about spending, budgets, etc. (WS was raised in a well-off family, and grew up getting everything she wanted.) I have always had a tendency to say yes to WS even if we didn't have the money... If I would tell her "no"... she would call me cheap. She left paying bills
and money decisions to me... She said that she does "everything else"... (which is not true) Everything started to catch up with us. We bought a house we can't afford and we had our second baby. This past Dec. (12-9) I told WS that we were negative in our check account
900... To WS, this revelation was the last straw... I was hidding our money problems... I betrayed her trust...

Right after the money thing, I told her I would change... put my best foot forward--- I made a budget, communicated better etc. But she said it was too late.WS started to act funny. She got her own checking account. She said
she needed space. That she thought i should move out for awhile..so she could heal. She started to hide things from me: car keys, purse, cell phone, etc.

She told the OM about our problems---the money issue... (I've been preoccupied with money issues, an new baby, I haven't been there emotionally for WS too). According to WS: after the money revelation, her friendship with the OM became more... at the end of Dec., it became a PA. She confessed to me after the PA was only going on a 10 days or so, but it has been going on off and on since that day. After I found out, I was in shock for a day or so. I started to plead to her to stop the affair... I begged... I threatened to tell everyone...
She would say (still does) that even w/ out OM in picture we have a lot of problems... She pushed me moving out more... (so i moved to the extra bedroom to compromise)
One minute WS would lash out... the next, she would cry, appoligize for hurting me, and ask me to rub her hair and hold her.... then next
lash out again...

Another thing happened on Feb. 15th. She had only confided the affair to 2 of her friends (both other teachers). One of them decided that they should tell the principle... According to WS: the principal had
a long talk with her and OM separately. The principal talked to her on a personal level---saying that he had the same problems in his marriage. That he could help her if she wanted... She wasn't going to get fired or asked to leave. And he wasn't going to tell anyone. He only told the super-attendant (who was the principals boss when he had an affair... so he's on the same page as the principal.)---side note: we live in a small town 2500 people...I thought by now everyone would know... but that doesn't seem to be the case.The same day that WS told me about the principal finding out, she also told me that she had broken off the PA with the OM that past Monday. But regardless, I still needed to move out. I told her no... (I stared going to a marriage counselor by myself, and he said moving out would not help). WS got hysterical... she threatened everything and said everything : (I don't love you, if you don't move out... I'll divorce you. I won't help pay the house payment... I'll move far away and take the girls.) This back and forth went on for 3 days... Finally I said I would move out... not for her...but for me... that I was standing up to her... That I needed space to fix my problems (I was just taking what she said about her and changed it to me.)That night, she let me hold her... the next day was good. We all went to go out to eat and shopping (up until that day, we hadn't even been in the same car for a month). She stopped hiding her cell phone, purse, etc. Last weekend we even went on a date--- her idea. She started to be honest about OM... that he is coming to visit her a few times a day still... I checked WS cell phone and she is still calling him. WS says that there is no way it will become a PA again... but she refuses to end all contact with OM. I'm trying to do Plan A... pretty good w/ only one or two setbacks...She still says even without OM in picture... I don't love you...I don't want to be with you right now. I'm not going to stop contact w/ OM because that would mean that I'm committed to you and I'm not.

WS has seen a counselor twice... but they are focusing on her childhood. Her brother died tragically when she was 11. Her Mom and Dad fought all the time, but stayed together. (she says that them staying together permanently scarred her. that divorce for us might be better for us.) WS is also big on the idea that we are both codependent... that we need the separation to fix that.

I don't know what to do now... just be patient, wait for her to completely break all communication with OM (she said that he is going to move this summer.) She says they are only friends now. Do Plan A still? should I expose the affair to more teacher friends and others... maybe the om's friends or other coaches... Part of me thinks they are just cooling things down between the OM and WS, but I
have no proof of that plan. Sometimes WS is receptive... but a lot of times not... we haven't had sex in 3 months... so it's mainly me saying i love you and rubbing her hair when she lets me. She thinks
I'm looking to move out still, but I'm just going through the motions... not actively searching...

I'll take any advice... If I need to give more details... let me
know...

Thanks in advance

PD

PD, the best opportunities I see here to save your marriage would be to MOVE HOME and then EXPOSE the affair. The worst move you have made here is to move out of your own home. That has only enabled the affair and increased your risk of divorce. Not to mention the fact that it exposes your children to her sleazy affair. They should never be exposed to the OM.

Many courts view this as ABANDONMENT, so not only have you harmed your chances of saving your marriage [you can't fix it if ya ain't there!] you have hurt your chances in any future child visitation proceedings.

So, that should be your first step. Pack up and move home NOW. TODAY. Don't ASK. Just GO HOME.

The second thing I would suggest is exposing the affair. Make up a list of key targets and call them all on the same day. Tell them your W is having an affair and ask for thier support in saving your marriage. Call her parents, your parents, the OM's parents, siblings, close friends. Tell everyone!

Exposure is ruinous to affairs so do everything to get it out into the open.

I would also suggest sending a certified letter to the superintendent, principal and human resource director telling them of the affair and how it has impacted your family. Tell them they are risking sexual harrassment suit by turning a blind eye to this and say this: "what do you intend on doing about it?"

I would then get your hands on Dr Harley's books: Surviving an Affair and HisNeeds, Her Needs. You can order them fairly cheaply on this website. You might want to also consider phone counseling with the Harleys. They are superb counselors that will give you a PLAN to save your marriage.

Dr. Harley has a radio show evry day from 3-6 CST that you can access from this website. Just click on the link up in the right hand corner of the page.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry you are here, my friend.

Move back in. She wanted you to move out so that she could continue her affair. Also, if this were to proceed to divorce, the person living in the home will likely retain it.

First step, move back in. Let her know that if SHE wants to seperate or whatever, then SHE can move out. Make it clear that you're there to work on your marriage.

Read up on plan A and B. Start applying plan A immediately.

And...keep posting here for advice and support.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

PD I say stay at home and save your family. Make her see that you are a good husband and father. You guys need to fall in love again. Your situations sound a whole lot like mine. Exposing the A might help, but would do more harm to her reputation than anything. You may forgive your wife, but others won't forget. The will always refer to her as the W who cheated on her H. Don't do that to her, it is only going to bring more pain. You don't want your kids to be affected by this years down the road.

You guys need couseling toghter. You may need to understand her past in order to deal with the present and future.
I wish you the VERY best.

Secretsrevealed, exposure is a tried and true Marriage Builders principle that is very effective in busting up affairs. It is the AFFAIR that brings pain, not the exposure. Affairs thrive on secrecy, which is why exposure is so ruinous. As Steve Harley once counseled a member, "do everything short of taking out a billboard."

Listen to MelodyLane she is right on.

I am like you in a lot of ways. My wife made threats to me and I would always back down. The problem with that is she knew she could do whatever she wanted and if I din't like it she would threaten divorce to control me.

You need to move back into your home. Why should she get to have the home the kids her Other Man and if your lucky you get a "Date" once in a while.

How about if she wants someone to leave she leaves and without the kids. You be the "Man" and stand up for your children and if she wants to leave then let her.

Why does she need you when she has the house the kids and her other man and she also has you paying for it.

Also expose her Affair. Maybe your afraid she will be mad? So what. You are already living out of your home without your kids and your wife is having an Affair with another man.

My wife did not like exposure and lied about everything. I can assure you when she found out I was going to take the house and the kids and she I booted her out well lets just say her attitude changed a great deal. She will now do anything to save our marriage but I don't want her anymore.

If you continue to do what you are you will be paying for your wife and other man to live together in your house while your two beautiful girls start calling him daddy. Please don't let that happen.

DON'T MOVE OUT...EVER, PERIOD, END OF STORY

Mr. Wondering

It's not clear whether you moved out or not. If you did -

Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.
Move back in.

Find out the school board policy on fraternization or adultery between teachers. Assuming one exists, keep going up the chain of command until you find someone who will act on it.

Just don't make it worse. You don't want her career to be questioned.

huh? WHY NOT?

I think he did move out, y'all:

secrets...

Career is much less important than marriage and family...ALWAYS!!! Exposure is crucial in this situation...please read everything on this site about it, before giving advice that could actually be harmful...exposure is a very important and critical step in an effective Plan A...

Mrs. Wondering

Mel...

He also says the above...I don't think he has yet, even though he IS considering it...NOOOOOO!!!!


PD, DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!


Mrs. W

Whewww,
Thanks guys, I almost had to come out of stealth mode when i read secrests reply. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
J

I'm sorry I wasn't more clear. I haven't moved out. I'm not going to either... no unless I decide to give up.

I'm hesitant about exposing the A to more people. I know that WS will see it as going behind her back----that is how she see's her friend (the one that told the principal.)

is her lack of trust for me valid because of the money issues? does her past hurt give her a good reason for her actions?

Your reasons for exposure are to end the affair...NOT to be vengeful or sneaky...your WS will be VERY angry, but she WILL get over it...my most favorite MB advice applies here...Your marriage CAN survive your wife's anger, but it CAN NOT and WILL NOT survive an ongoing affair! Expose this affair and get it's death underway...


ABSOLUTELY NOT ON BOTH COUNTS...both are just justifications and rationalizations for her behavior...I'll put it back to you another way...When is it ever right to have an affair?

Mrs. W

PD,

Listen to Melody Lane and the others who are telling you to expose.

It may sound counter intuitive. It may seem like it will hurt her more. It may seem that you will damage her reputation. However, you are in a fight of your life here.

Exposure ruined my wife's affair in less than a week. And I exposed her cheatin [censored] anywhere I thought I could get people who would influence her to end the affair. Affairs flourish in secrecy. Shine some light on them and they will often end.

Contact the school as Melody suggests. Kill this fantasy stone dead right now. Get the Harley books. Read everything on this site you can find starting with the infidelity FAQ's. (Linked below). Cqall the Harleys for some councelling.

And under NO circumstances move out.

Hi hunny! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> We need ya to come back, Jer!

Thats ok. She is not supposed to LIKE it and you will not get roses for doing it. In fact, she will scream, rant and rave and spit at you for exposing her. That is because exposure ruins affairs. And that is what you have to do *IF* you want to save your marriage.

Like Mrs. W said, your marriage can survive a little anger, it CAN'T survive an affair.

Affairs can only survive under the veil of secrecy. Exposure ruins them, because no one wants to carry on an affair in the full daylight. It forces the affairees to see themselves through the eyes of others, which is ruinous to the fantasy.